Everything Is Just...Blank.

Later that night I was sitting in my bedroom examining my body for any other marks.

I found marks on both wrist and high on my thighs. How could I do this?

There was a knocking at my door. “Yea?” I called out quickly pulling on a sweatshirt. “It’s me…open up.” “Hold on.” I said pulling on sweat pants. I rushed to the door and opened it. “Okay Sel’s gonna pick us up on her way. Just tell mom you’re sleeping there okay?” He asked. “But mom wouldn’t care if we slept at the Jonas house I thought?” I asked remembering when she didn’t care Joe was in my bed. “No but she knows that Mr. and Mrs. Jonas aren’t home.” He said and I nodded realizing this was not just a hang out party.

“Uh Josh?” I called out as he left. “Yea?” “What would I wear?” I asked and he laughed. “I’m not a girl…” He said and I frowned looking back to my closet. “Kers, wear what you want! You are you!” He said leaving and I smiled. You are you.

“Where are you going?” My mom asked as me and Josh started out the front door, duffel bags in hand. “I’m sleeping at Selena’s...if that’s okay?” I asked and she thought about it for a moment before nodding and looking over towards Josh. “Me to.” He said and she cocked an eyebrow that made me laugh. “Whatever. Have fun, be safe, remember Kerstin you’re being watched!” I twisted around and stuttered out nervously, “W-what?” “Paparazzi!” She said and I laughed. “Right.” I said and then quickly ran out the door before I broke down and shouted where we were actually going.

“Way to play it cool sis.” Josh said giving me a nuggie. “Watch the bump!” I shouted even though he missed. “Oh my god Kers I’m so so so sorry!!” He shouted and I laughed. “You missed.” I said running ahead of him to the car where Selena was laughing at our fighting. I got in the front as Josh squezzed in the back. “You know since I’m bigger I should be in the front. Push your seat up!” He complained. “Uh I’m older. And no. you can suffer for the ride.” “It’s an hour ride!” Josh shouted in protest. “Really?” I asked Selena. “No. It’s twenty minutes at most.” I laughed and my little brother’s weak attempt to get some leg space. “You’ll live.” I said back to him.

Exactly eighteen minutes later we arrived at the Jonas home. I hopped out and Josh made an over exaderated scene on getting out of Selena’s car. “Josh shut up! It was not that bad!” I said “HEY THEY’RE FIGHTING AGAIN!” was shouted from the door. I looked up and had no idea who the guy was. “Who is that?” I asked Selena as she grabbed our bags from the back of her car. “That is Aaron. Stay away from him Kers okay?” She said with seriousness. “Why?” I asked curious. “He’s a former boy of yours who gets extremely jealous when you’re seen with anyone but him.” “Um…” I said nervously. “He’s friends with everyone else here but us. And the boys.” She said. “Then why did they invite him?” I asked. “He throws amazing parties, so he gets invites to all the other ones” She answered with a shrug. “Well we party a lot more then I thought.” I said and she laughed…I was serious though.

We made it in the house and Selena took our bags up to Nick’s room leaving me alone and awkward. “Hey Kerstin! I heard about your accident, great to see you out though!!” a few different people said. I smiled and said hi back. I’m guessing no one knew that I didn’t know who they were…”Kers!” I twisted around and saw Joe and I lit up. “Joe! Thank God! I was feeling awkward.” “Don’t feel awkward! This place is basically your home and all these people are your friends. Just smile and talk to people, maybe some memories will come back” He said smiling and staggering a bit. “Joe, are you drunk?” I asked. He only smiled and walked away dancing a bit. I looked around for someone, anyone.

I saw my brother across the house and he waved then went back to talking to a few girls. I looked around and saw that Aaron guy I was told to avoid. He noticed me to. I quickly turned and trotted up the steps and entered the third door on the left. I locked it and could hear someone calling my name. It was Aaron I’m guessing. I turned around and took notice to whose room I had locked myself into. It was painted a shade of green and had different posters everywhere and a lab asleep in the corner. There were guitar pics spread out all over and a few guitars hanging on the wall. I sat on the un made bed and took a breath and starred at my reflection in the mirror across the way. I looked scared. I noticed the pictures shoved in the frame of the huge mirror. I stood up and walked over to see them. I smiled at the first picture, All three of the boys in front of their first tour van, the next was a picture of me and Nick. We had to be like nine. We were both laughing and had cake smeared on our faces. Another picture of us with him kissing my cheek that was ripped and re taped down the middle. Then there was one I picked up, Nick and Selena kissing. I held it closer to see it and then I started to fade out…

… “Nick she was my best friend!!” I shouted at him. He looked so rigid. Like he didn’t care at all. I was crying out of heart break and frustration. “How could you!?” I shouted at him. By the look on his face it wasn’t the first time I had yelled this at him. “Look Kers I’m sorry! But I can’t, we can’t do this anymore!” “Damn right we can’t. YOU KISSED MY BEST FRIEND!” I shouted at him. We were in his room. I took the picture of him kissing my cheek and ripped it in half. “Don’t you EVER talk to me again Nick. EVER!” I shouted throwing the torn picture at him. “Kerstin!” He shouted and I turned, All I need is a sorry. “What?” I said bitterly. “Can I have my ring?” He asked. I wanted to break down right there. I ripped off the stupid ring he gave me two years ago and stamped over to his window. “You want this?” I asked and he sighed. “Fine. Go get it.” I said throwing the ring out the window. “God do you have to be so dramatic Kerstin!?” He shouted at me. “Fuck you Nick.” I said walking out of his room…

There was a loud pounding and then a burst of air hit me. I shot my eyes open and started coughing. “Kers!” I heard. I was being lifted on to the bed and I was embarrassed. “I’m fine!” I shouted at him. He stopped and immediately backed up. “Are you sure Kerstin?” He asked. “Nick. I am fine.” “You were on the ground, you went missing, I got scarred.” He explained and I laughed. “Why aren’t you with Selena?” I asked holding up the picture that was still clenched in my hand. “Were you snooping in here?” He asked grabbing it from my hand. “No, it was on your mirror. And I remember the break up. You cheated on me. With her.” I said. He put the picture back and sighed. “Okay so you remember, are you pissed again?” He asked. “No. I don’t care.” I said standing up. He looked confused. “Let’s go get some drinks…” I offered.

After that memory I needed a drink…now I think I know why I party so much…

I had so much I wanted to forget.