Alex Gaskarth Is My Best Friend

“We are done, you stupid cunt. Get the fuck out of my house!” He screamed, I’ve never heard him this furious or loud before. She grabbed her clothes and her man in the bed and turned around before leaving the door.

“You were never any good at pleasuring me anyways. I never even loved you, you pathetic naive guitar playing faggot.” Even those words stung me, no one talked about Alex like this. The boy had left the room already and I walked right over to Remy.

I didn’t even speak a single word. I punched her so hard in the face she fell back and hit the dresser behind her. She was surprised and began to sob from the pain. I punched her again, this time in the stomach. My knuckles were throbbing and my heart was pumping. I felt two warm hands snake around my body and pull me away. She scampered out of the room and I heard the door close to the house.

After my rage calmed down, and Alex’s hands had been removed for a few minutes.
I realized all I’d done is inflict pain on Alex’s 18th birthday. Guilt consumed me. What have I done?

I turned around to see Alex with his head in his hands. Sobbing. I walked over and placed a hand on his back.

“Don’t touch me.” He yelled. I recoiled my hand, like I had touched something hot.

“You too Capri, get the fuck out of my house.”

That is just great, I had pushed Alex farther away.

I walked home feeling numb and disgusting.

---

Weeks passed and Alex refused to look at me. He didn’t really speak to anyone, slowly he began to talk to his friends. And then Alex entered into a new stage of his life. The womanizer. He constantly had parties at wherever he could and he was constantly sleeping with girls. I’m surprised he didn’t catch an STD.

At this point, I barely talked to anyone. I would nod my head at Jack and Jessica and Rian and Zach. They all knew I was losing it, they just didn’t know how to help me. I can’t say they haven’t tried, I was just unreachable. I was up to almost a pack a day. I still maintained my grades, the promise of college was the only thing keeping me together. My mother was out a lot but never neglected me. I just was quiet most days. I would never result to self harm because I just knew better, I guess you could say smoking was self harm but I was hooked.

I had grown accustomed to the emptiness that my soul held. The loneliness that walked with me everyday. The feeling of nothing, was my only emotion. I attended every party, just in hopes of catching a glimpse of Alex.

It was early February and still freezing. It was another house party Friday. I sat on the couch staring at Alex who surprisingly wasn’t talking to a girl tonight, but looking back at me. There was no joint between his fingers or a red cup in his hands. He looked sober for once. Our eyes connected and I let him look through me. His eyes seemed as vacant as I felt. A pang of need coursed through my body and I hated it. I quickly broke our connection and walked up the stairs. I walked into an empty bedroom and opened the window. I lit a cigarette and smoked, the nicotine bringing me back to the emptiness I craved.

A knock on the door made my heart jump, something I’d not felt in weeks.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” I said, looking out the window, continuing to smoke.

“Could I join you?” He asked.

I merely nodded. The bed moved around me and he sat down. We didn’t touch but I could feel the heat of his body radiating onto mine.

“Um, so how have you been?” He questioned. What the hell was this?

“Dandy, Alex.” I muttered bitterly. I thought maybe, he would realize how much time he had wasted on Remy and let me back into his life, but he just ignored me further. I had really fucked myself.

“Same.” He added, with a dark chuckle.

“Really you seem happy, I mean with all the pussy you’re getting. You should be on cloud 9.” I had flicked the cigarette into the snow below, but refused to look into his eyes.

“Can you look at me?”

“No.” I really couldn’t.

“Please.” He words were coated with true emotion, so I turned my head. His eyes were deep, beautiful honey, as usual.
“I’m just trying to block out the hurt Capri.” He said honestly, staring into my empty soul.

“You could of talked to me.” I mumbled, fighting back the hurt.

“I couldn’t bare it. I had wasted so much time on a whore, when I had you...” He trailed off.

“Well, we all make our choices.” I said.

“Well, I made the wrong one.”

“I’m well aware.” I rolled my eyes.

“Is there anyway you could forgive me...?” He asked, and my heart broke again, like it had been mended. I wanted to reach out and bury my head into his chest, sob, and let him hold me. Give him kisses of forgiveness. Show him the love I had for him.

“Of course, I can forgive you.” I said biting my tongue, from what I truly wanted to say.
His eyes lit up.

“Goodnight, Alexander. See you around.” I gave him a half smile and left the house. That was one of the hardest things I’ve done. But I knew things would be better now.

--

I woke up late the next day. I had just collapsed into bed after the house party. It was raining outside and I rolled out of bed. It was a little after noon, and on my wall was a note from my mom.

I will be out of town until Monday, xox mom
Call me if you need anything, money on counter.

Cool, alone again. I grab a fresh thong and my bra and walked into the bathroom. I turned on the shower and stared at myself in the mirror.
I played back the details of last night in my mind. I couldn’t help but smile.
The shower relaxed me and washed away the scent of party from my body. I got dressed into a pair of baggy sweats and a loose tank top. I would probably end up spending today at home, and a party after. I liked to be around people, I just hated to talk to them.

I walked down stairs and was upset. It was raining so I couldn’t smoke, we had no outside covering. I gave myself a mental note to remind my mom to do something about that. I had lost my appetite for almost anything lately, nicotine was my food. I had lost 15 pounds. My hip bones stuck out and my breasts really did weigh my whole body down, no weight would be lost from them. My collarbones protruded and so did my wrist bones, my stomach was so flat I thought I was physically hallow inside at times. My thighs no longer touched one another but my ass still stayed. I guess I was fortunate in some ways. I wasn’t really confident about my body anymore, not since Alex abandoned me. I never really knew how much those compliments meant until they no longer existed. I turned on the television and watched whatever was on FX. I was beginning to fall asleep when, there was aloud knock on my door. I jumped up and opened it. There stood a soaking wet Alex.

I stood there in shock. I looked kind of disgusting right now and there was perfect Gaskarth standing before me. I let him in and shut the door behind him. He pushed the wet hood from his head and looked at me, there was a passion in his eyes I could see.

“Uh hey?” I said, I didn’t really know what terms we were on anymore.

“Listen to me. I am in love with you, I always have been, even when I was with Remy. I always was jealous of whatever boy you were talking to, I always looked at you, always wanted you. Even when I was kissing Remy I was thinking of you. I don’t know why I stayed with Remy for so long. I just didn’t want to lose our friendship by having a romantic relationship. I mean what if it didn’t work out and I considered all these things, but I ended up losing you anyways. I mean everyday I missed you, and needed you. I just was stupid and didn’t show you. I hurt you so bad, and I even hurt myself. I knew Remy was cheating on me I just didn’t want to admit it. I’m just so fucked up, and Capri you are the best thing thats ever happened to me, you’re all I need, all I want, and the only thing I love right now. I walked in the rain for an hour just thinking about what to say, and I decided on the blunt truth. I can’t restrain myself any longer. I want you.” He rambled all of that out. And I stood there with my mouth wide open. In shock, this was all I ever wanted to hear from, and I couldn’t move.

Before I could register it Alex was kissing me. Every nerve in my body seemed like it was on fire, my lips were burning, and my insides were burning with desire. I needed him, in every way.

He pushed me onto the couch and I realized he was still soaking wet. He noticed too, he unzipped his hoodie, and discarded it on the floor. It still wasn’t good enough, his shirt was starting to wet mine. I tugged at it, as we continued to kiss, our tongues battling eachother for dominance. He ripped his shirt off over his head and my hands went right to his chest, feeling every bump. Alex had rock hard abs, I guess I’ve missed a lot. My lips were getting swollen at this point and he noticed too. He removed his lips from mine and started working on my neck.

This was my favorite place, he started from the hallow under my ear down, down down, kissing, nipping, sucking, leaving a stamp of desire all down my neck. He was about to reach my collarbone when he noticed it was covered by my shirt. I just ripped it off, needing his lips back on my skin. He picked up, right where he left. He kissed across my collarbone and I could tell he was surprised at how skinny I had gotten.

Days without his love made me weak.
He kissed down until he reached my breasts. His arms wrapped behind my back and unhooked my bra, in one swift motion. I was already a D and not comfortable with my body at all. I blushed and of course, he notices everything.

“Don’t be shy about your body Capri. It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful.” He kissed my chest sweetly and I bit my lip. I could feel my wall of emptiness developing cracks. He picked me up and stood up swiftly. Still connected to my neck. My legs wrapped around him and he carried me upstairs. I had no idea how strong he was. He busted my door open and lay me down on the bed. He positioned himself on top of me and continued to caress my breasts with his lips. I started on the belt of his pants. He allowed me, and he flicked them off. He pushed me higher on the bed and started to kiss lower. Until I finally moaned. It just escaped my throat, and I blushed. I hadn’t done anything sexual in almost a year, and was never a big fan of being loud in bed. I was still a virgin, and that finally hit my when I could feel Alex kissing my hip bones.

He stopped and looked up at me.

“May I?” His eyes were so sweet. I nodded, biting my lip. His slowly removed my sweat pants and started kissing my legs, like he was discovering my body, worshipping it even. He stopped and came back up to my face and we began kissing again. I’d given one blow job in my whole life, and it was disgusting. No one has ever given me oral before. So I would say I was pretty unexperienced, and I felt embarrassed. Alex could feel me tense and he stopped.

“Whats wrong?” He asked, slightly out of breath.

“I’m a virgin.” I muttered, looking anywhere but into Alex’s eyes.

“Baby, look at me.” The use of baby always made me happy. I obeyed.

“Are you in love with me?”

“God, yes I am.” 

“And I’m so in love with you, if you don’t want to yet, I would be content to just lay by your side.”

“I..I do want you. More than you know.” I blushed because it was true. I had never felt this much pleasure before in my life.

“What do you want me to do?” He asked sincerely.

“I want you to make love to me.” He smiled at me and nodded, going back to kissing me again. He stopped for a moment, grabbed something from his wallet and did something else. I was guessing he was putting on a condom, because the next thing I felt was his package up against my underwear.
His eyes gave me a questioning look and I just nodded again. I’ve always been in love with Alex, I was giving this away to someone I wanted to marry, this was the right choice.

He slipped of my underwear off, and in that moment I truly felt bare.

“Are you ready?” He asked, between kisses on my neck.

“Yes.” is all I said.

I gasped and grabbed onto Alex’s back. I bit my lip so hard I thought it was going to bleed. It was something I’d never felt before. It was the worst pain I’d ever felt, mixed with the best pleasure. I wanted to cry. But I refused. I knew Alex was trying to be gentle with me, he hadn’t even gone in the whole way. He slowly pushed in, and I whimpered.

“Oh, God. Am I hurting you?!” Worry filled his eyes, and I could feel my eyes brim with pain. I shook my head no and gave him the best smile I could muster.

“It’s okay baby, I love you.” He whispered in my ear, and it made some of the pain dull. He thrusted very slowly at first, I could feel myself leaving dents into Alex’s skin, but he said nothing except sweet I love you’s, and you’re perfect, and hold on sweethearts. I was beginning to get use to the pain. Alex kept kissing me and my neck and jaw lightly, trying to keep my mind off the pain.

“Baby I’m close.” He panted. And I had a feeling bubbling in my stomach. The pleasure began to take over, and soon the pain drifted away. He was thrusting faster now, and I moaned. The ball in my stomach was about to burst. And just as mine did, Alex let out a moan and my toes curled. He pulled out of me, and lay next to me. He grabbed my hand and looked at me.

“Thank you for forgiving me.” He said. He placed a kiss on my swollen lips and I noticed I could barely keep my eyes open. He pulled me into his arms and wrapped the blankets around us, and I fell asleep with the boy I loved.