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Alex Gaskarth Is My Best Friend
Sunday
Capri’s POV
I woke up to the sound of rain against the window. I smiled. I was finally in Alex’s arms, a place I had been dying to be for what seemed like years. I assumed in a moment like this I would feel complete and satisfied but something didn’t feel right in my heart. I opened my eyes to see Alex’s staring down at me, his arm propped underneath his head. He smiled.
“Goodmorning, beautiful.” He whispered, kissing me.
“Hi.”
“So, last night was amazing. How are you feeling?” He asked still with a constant smile on his face. The smile I had fallen in love with seemed sad to me now.
“Um…Hungry.” I responded, not wanting to voice the feelings of uncertainty that were beginning to consume my mood.
“Lets make breakfast then!” Alex was full of enthusiasm but why wouldn’t he be? He got to sleep with Remy for years, disregard our relationship and somehow still have me in bed with him.
I pulled on an old T shirt and walked downstairs to the kitchen with Alex. He went to the fridge and removed 2 eggs.
“2 eggs? That’s all you have?”
“Yeah, I guess I don’t really eat much.”
He began to cook them as I watched the rain continue to pour outside in my yard.
“I’m gonna freshen up.” I announced walking to the powder bathroom on the main floor.
I entered the bathroom and turned on the light, turning towards the mirror.
I blinked a few times looking at myself in the mirror. You’d think any normal person would do this daily to verify their appearance was acceptable for the outside world but I think this was my first time truly looking and seeing who was looking back at me.
Who had I become? I had wasted away. Physically I had lost maybe 30 pounds but mentally I had lost myself. I had picked up a destructive habit for what? So Alex would notice me and feign interest in my well being? I wasted away while I loved someone who ignored me.
I began to sob. It was a cry that you knew had waiting to be heard for months. I couldn’t breathe. I ran out of the bathroom and past Alex in the kitchen who was now eating one of the two eggs I had left. I opened the sliding glass door to my backyard and tried to slow down my breathing. I was so focused on my breathing that I had forgotten about the rain.
My tears and the rain mixed and I finally gained control. I slowed down and let the ran clear my thoughts.
Alex came outside and waited underneath the covering, not wanting to get as wet as I already was.
“Capri?! What is going on, whats wrong?”
I walked towards him under the shelter and looked into his deep brown eyes.
“Alex, have you not seen me? I have been here waiting for you. I have been waiting for the past 3 years since you asked me to be yours and then discarded me like trash for someone else.”
“Capri, of course I have seen you. I didn’t mean to discard you..I was just mixed up.”
“OH! You’ve seen me sinking into a depression? Losing weight? Smoking? Basically killing myself to get you to notice me? I don’t which is worse, you claiming you saw me doing these things and doing NOTHING to help me, or you not having seen me at all. Are you purposefully hurtful or are you careless, Alex?”
This was everything I had ever wanted to say to him, all coming out at once but the tears had stopped now. My mind was clear. I was finally taking a stand for myself.
Alex looked at me, stunned. Without my friendship he hadn’t held himself accountable for any of his actions the past couple years and was now getting a dose of unwanted reality.
“But I love you,” was all he could manage.
“I love you, and I always will but I spent so much time loving you, I forgot to love myself…”
The anger dissipated and all that was left was an emptiness, an emptiness I could no longer ask Alex to fill, but that I would have to fill myself.
Alex nodded his head, recognizing my words were true about him as well. He had veered off course, messing around with Remy and he had pushed his music aside. He was empty now too.
“I guess I’ll go home now,” Alex said.
I sat there and allowed the rain to wash Alex out of my hair and out of my mind.
Alex’s POV
I watched Capri sit there in the rain wondering if this was the last time I’d ever see her. I turned on my heel and left.
Graduation was here in 2 months, the band and I had a gig lined up we planned months ago which would allow us to possibly get signed and finally recognized. I had pushed back this gig for months because I was too busy partying or messing around with girls not worth my time. None of my bandmates were happy with me. I wasn’t happy with myself.
I had hurt the only person to love me without conditions. I had spent months trying to fill an emptiness inside myself. I was using women and hoping I could replicate the love I had once shared with Capri.
I looked up into the sky and contemplated what was next. Capri was right, I was no good for her. I had to accept the idea that I wasn’t going to end up with her like we had imagined when we were 8.
The sky was grey and cloudy and, I can see now that all of these clouds are following me in my desperate endeavor to find my whoever, wherever she may be.
I woke up to the sound of rain against the window. I smiled. I was finally in Alex’s arms, a place I had been dying to be for what seemed like years. I assumed in a moment like this I would feel complete and satisfied but something didn’t feel right in my heart. I opened my eyes to see Alex’s staring down at me, his arm propped underneath his head. He smiled.
“Goodmorning, beautiful.” He whispered, kissing me.
“Hi.”
“So, last night was amazing. How are you feeling?” He asked still with a constant smile on his face. The smile I had fallen in love with seemed sad to me now.
“Um…Hungry.” I responded, not wanting to voice the feelings of uncertainty that were beginning to consume my mood.
“Lets make breakfast then!” Alex was full of enthusiasm but why wouldn’t he be? He got to sleep with Remy for years, disregard our relationship and somehow still have me in bed with him.
I pulled on an old T shirt and walked downstairs to the kitchen with Alex. He went to the fridge and removed 2 eggs.
“2 eggs? That’s all you have?”
“Yeah, I guess I don’t really eat much.”
He began to cook them as I watched the rain continue to pour outside in my yard.
“I’m gonna freshen up.” I announced walking to the powder bathroom on the main floor.
I entered the bathroom and turned on the light, turning towards the mirror.
I blinked a few times looking at myself in the mirror. You’d think any normal person would do this daily to verify their appearance was acceptable for the outside world but I think this was my first time truly looking and seeing who was looking back at me.
Who had I become? I had wasted away. Physically I had lost maybe 30 pounds but mentally I had lost myself. I had picked up a destructive habit for what? So Alex would notice me and feign interest in my well being? I wasted away while I loved someone who ignored me.
I began to sob. It was a cry that you knew had waiting to be heard for months. I couldn’t breathe. I ran out of the bathroom and past Alex in the kitchen who was now eating one of the two eggs I had left. I opened the sliding glass door to my backyard and tried to slow down my breathing. I was so focused on my breathing that I had forgotten about the rain.
My tears and the rain mixed and I finally gained control. I slowed down and let the ran clear my thoughts.
Alex came outside and waited underneath the covering, not wanting to get as wet as I already was.
“Capri?! What is going on, whats wrong?”
I walked towards him under the shelter and looked into his deep brown eyes.
“Alex, have you not seen me? I have been here waiting for you. I have been waiting for the past 3 years since you asked me to be yours and then discarded me like trash for someone else.”
“Capri, of course I have seen you. I didn’t mean to discard you..I was just mixed up.”
“OH! You’ve seen me sinking into a depression? Losing weight? Smoking? Basically killing myself to get you to notice me? I don’t which is worse, you claiming you saw me doing these things and doing NOTHING to help me, or you not having seen me at all. Are you purposefully hurtful or are you careless, Alex?”
This was everything I had ever wanted to say to him, all coming out at once but the tears had stopped now. My mind was clear. I was finally taking a stand for myself.
Alex looked at me, stunned. Without my friendship he hadn’t held himself accountable for any of his actions the past couple years and was now getting a dose of unwanted reality.
“But I love you,” was all he could manage.
“I love you, and I always will but I spent so much time loving you, I forgot to love myself…”
The anger dissipated and all that was left was an emptiness, an emptiness I could no longer ask Alex to fill, but that I would have to fill myself.
Alex nodded his head, recognizing my words were true about him as well. He had veered off course, messing around with Remy and he had pushed his music aside. He was empty now too.
“I guess I’ll go home now,” Alex said.
I sat there and allowed the rain to wash Alex out of my hair and out of my mind.
Alex’s POV
I watched Capri sit there in the rain wondering if this was the last time I’d ever see her. I turned on my heel and left.
Graduation was here in 2 months, the band and I had a gig lined up we planned months ago which would allow us to possibly get signed and finally recognized. I had pushed back this gig for months because I was too busy partying or messing around with girls not worth my time. None of my bandmates were happy with me. I wasn’t happy with myself.
I had hurt the only person to love me without conditions. I had spent months trying to fill an emptiness inside myself. I was using women and hoping I could replicate the love I had once shared with Capri.
I looked up into the sky and contemplated what was next. Capri was right, I was no good for her. I had to accept the idea that I wasn’t going to end up with her like we had imagined when we were 8.
The sky was grey and cloudy and, I can see now that all of these clouds are following me in my desperate endeavor to find my whoever, wherever she may be.
♠ ♠ ♠
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