Hot Sauce and Cigarettes
Inspection Day
Abraham
"Got the hose out today! Inspection day?"
"Yes."
I smiled at her, and she just frowned. I didn't understand. The sun was shining, birds were singing. Trees swayed and the clouds looked like bunnies over my head. Except for that one that looked like a cake. The price of milk had just gone down. Life was good.
Georgie
There was disaster on the horizon, and we were about to get dragged in. And not a disaster you'd expect.
Three men were walking down the line of registers now, led by Reeves. They were identical, wearing dark aviators and ebony suits. Except for Reeves, he was wearing a dark red shirt like the color of blood. Kim, Tammy, myself, and all the other nameless cashiers dare not say a word as the invaders passed. Their footsteps were heavy and hurried.
Reportedly, one of the world's great wars was started over a sandwich. Let it be known that Thompson's War began with the tuna display. And some women, but that's beside the point I'm trying to make here.
You've seen those, right? No, no, not women. Displays. The gigantic, often themed, stands of food--usually located in the front of the store--advertising sales or some seasonal thing. We had many for each holiday: Christmas, St. Patty's, Mother's Day, any other glaring day on the calender we had to work while others did not. We built them at random times of the year too, and this was one of those times.
Tuna. Canned tuna in stacks, glaring ominously at passerby, packed in aluminum.
Abraham
"You look... thirsty," I said, "I could go inside and get you something. Dr. Pepper. Water, maybe?"
She smiled, and when her teeth showed it was like the icy shining blade of a knife pressing against my throat and I sort of gulped. All I wanted today was a bag of doritos to go with the subway sandwich I wanted to get before going back to work. I swear I wasn't going to do anything. Honest, mister.
Lady Person withdrew a bottle of water from one of the large pockets within her purple wizard robe thing. She sipped cooly, proudly, then set it on the ground, taking up that garden hose once more and holding it in a gaurding stance. Usually it was assigned for watering flowers. Hurr-durr. I watched it carefully.
Then this weird game started, where I would leap forward and she would block, I would dart and she would hold her ground, aiming the hose at me.
"Have you ever heard the saying, 'A rolling stone gathers no moss'?" She asked after a few minutes.
"No." I said, "Have you ever heard the saying, 'All your base are belong to us'?!"
"What--"
And I lunged, grabbing up her water bottle. I opened the top quickly, poured it all onto the ground with an excited flourish. The water made a glugglugglug sound, and drew interesting patterns on the shady sidewalk.
"Ha ha!" I yelled, victorious, "NOW YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DRINK!"
People out in the front parking lot turned to look at us. We must've looked quite silly, her standing there with the garden hose wrapped possessively round her thin, tall body like an angry god of war, me yelling blatantly about her lack of liquid hydration. I looked back at all of the people for a second and got a little nervous, I imagined they were all talking about me. That hurts my feelings.
I shook the paranoia out of my brain and pointed to the lady, who stood numbly next to the glass doors.
"And... and... that means when you get thirsty... I'll be here to get you a drink!" I leaned against the tall yellow-brown pillar opposite from her, nodding, affirming this fact. Which meant I won.
She laughed.
Oh crap, maybe I didn't win.
"You really are an idiot." She dug into another pocket and came up with a cigarette this time, perching it between her teeth and lighting it.
"That stuff causes cancer."
"Hot sauce causes can-cer." She retorted.
"No it does-n't." I taunted.
"I wish it did..." She muttered, and blew smoke in my direction. I pretended like I didn't hear.
Georgie
"Hey Tim," I hissed as he passed me to begin his shift on the register ahead, "Crazy Guy get in here yet? I thought I heard his cart."
"Negative."
I just finished ringing up a family of three that ate like a family of seven, when one of the men in dark suits walked up to me. His cologne was subtle, his face very handsome. He had a bluetooth in his ear, which meant he was too awesomely busy and on-the-go to hold his cell phone like everyone else. He was very well groomed, which I noticed as he got right in my face. He smiled perfectly, whispering,
(oh god please don't hit on me I hate when they do that)
I cringed, leaned back a little.
He finally said, "Do you know a guy... named Abraham?"
"No." I said immeadiately.
I don't trust guys with suits and bluetooth phones. They're usually very rude anyways. They always hold a finger up as if to say, "hang on a second, I'm a total jerk", when you're the one who's only asking paper or plastic.
He looked disappointed, "Well if you see him, could you please... call me? Here's my card."
(OMG it even has a watermark do you like huey lewis and the news?!
wait is he giving me his number?? OH GROSS)
I snort at this thought and he raises his eyebrows.
"Sorry. Er, yeah. I'll um, call. Sure."
"Thanks. What's your name."
"George. What yours? Patrick Bateman?" I couldn't help but get sarcastic with him. He was an easy target from the start.
"Who?"
"Never mind. Have a nice day Mr...," I look at the card, "Mason. Wilkes Mason?"
"Friends call me Will."
"Uh-huh. Bye, Mr. Mason."
He points, winks, leaves. And I think I'm going to throw up. I looked at the mighty sunkist tuna display then, set up to look something like a wave, and smile. Riley spent all morning working on it, even came in extra early--he said so as he picked me up for work, which was lunch break for him. Other than water cooler talk, the ride was shy and quiet. Mainly because I was imagining pulling that gold tooth out of his mouth.
"Hey. Hey. George! GEEEEORGE!"
I jumped, "Oh hey, Joseph!"
He looked serious, however, "You have a costumer."
"Oh. Oh. Ooops."
I went back to ringing up crap. Just then, Sid passed Joe, spiking up his hair absentmindedly, "Ey, going on a smoke break..."
"Okay," Joseph chimed, "But remember the inspectors are here and you have to clean your locker... oh, screw it." Because Sid was already passing the costumer service window. The two men in black suits were standing in front of it, tapping their shiny feet and bobbing their heads. I pictured them sharing an iPod and felt better, less threatened.
Demeter
"Hey, Sara. Sara I need you in here. I can't find that one form--"
I growled impatiently, "Everything is in the filing cabinet."
"Yeah but I couldn't find--"
"Jesus, Reeves, without me, you couldn't even look straight."
I looked around quickly, putting the hose down. I was not panicky or frightened, Abraham (I was going to have to get used to calling him that) was ducking strangely behind one of the huge pots of flowers next to the red metal bench outside of the store. I peered into the parking lot, where my boyfriend was climbing into his car, but he didn't acknowledge my presence.
Whatever. I sighed, looking back at the lump behind the flower pot, curious as to why he was hiding.
I followed Reeves inside to find the stupid piece of paper.
Sid
"Hey. Heeey. Hey guy." I whispered from my seat on the bench.
He looked up from behind the flowers, "I'm not your guy, bud---wait, that doesn't make sense."
I shook my head, not knowing what he was talking about.
"Well listen, man, I can get you into the store."
That got him going. He raised his head a bit, "Is that asshole gone?"
"What asshole. There are a bunch around here."
"Nevermind. ...I just want my bag of sweet and spicy doritos. I have to get back to work soon."
"Kay. Follow me." I smiled, and we darted over to the warehouse entrance, located on the right side of the building, "Wait... you work? ...Bollocks."
Demeter
SLAM.
The metal drawer shut firmly in my grasp. I scanned the document and smiled sweetly at the two men in the window, sending them whatever form it was they needed to verify through the chute.
Idiots.
"There you are, gentleman." And with a smile.
Georgie
I yawned. Dead time at the register meant leaning time for cashiers. Reeves had instructed us to look busy, but that was hard. I had enough to deal with, Sid yelling
(where is Sid it's awfully quiet other than the endless beeping and the kids screaming)
in the background and the other baggers fighting for a spot as Joseph sang. So now, it was relaxing time.
Tim, ahead of me, apparently agreed. He looked up, over at the costumer window.
"Yes, indeed. It appears this semi-annual inspection will pass smoothly. They're signing the final papers as we--"
SCRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCH
Demeter
"You boys have a nice--
Oh my God."
I could only feel my face freeze, my entire body tense up as the two men in black, dressed like death to me then, turned and witnessed
Georgie
A cart, the loudest cart I might add, screaming towards the tuna display
(london bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down!)
too quickly. Nobody could catch it. Everyone just stared. Costumers scurried out of the way. There was no driver (Crazy Guy was nowhere to be found, though he was, of course, the sole suspect in the aftermath) behind the silver wheels, just a loud noise and a collective gasp and a concious thought of
HO SHI--!
And then canned seafood and wagon collided, and the whole neatly stacked display--cardboard cutout fishies and all--came toppling down. Tammy looked at Kim, Kim looked at Tim, Tim looked at me. I just stared at the cans, hand covering my mouth again, all crashing down in a flood across the floor like the thing was an actual wave.
When the cans quieted, there was a moment of silence. A cough.
cricket cricket.
Joseph said, "TIMBEEER."
The cashiers looked at him and he shrugged, "What? Too soon?"
The two guys in black just tapped their feet, shaking their heads. And then something happened that even shut Joseph up. Reeves walked into veiw, messing with his barely there hair and rubbing stressfully at his face. Demeter was actually slouching.
"This is gonna get ugly." Tammy said softly.
"Already is." I replied.
"Got the hose out today! Inspection day?"
"Yes."
I smiled at her, and she just frowned. I didn't understand. The sun was shining, birds were singing. Trees swayed and the clouds looked like bunnies over my head. Except for that one that looked like a cake. The price of milk had just gone down. Life was good.
Georgie
There was disaster on the horizon, and we were about to get dragged in. And not a disaster you'd expect.
Three men were walking down the line of registers now, led by Reeves. They were identical, wearing dark aviators and ebony suits. Except for Reeves, he was wearing a dark red shirt like the color of blood. Kim, Tammy, myself, and all the other nameless cashiers dare not say a word as the invaders passed. Their footsteps were heavy and hurried.
Reportedly, one of the world's great wars was started over a sandwich. Let it be known that Thompson's War began with the tuna display. And some women, but that's beside the point I'm trying to make here.
You've seen those, right? No, no, not women. Displays. The gigantic, often themed, stands of food--usually located in the front of the store--advertising sales or some seasonal thing. We had many for each holiday: Christmas, St. Patty's, Mother's Day, any other glaring day on the calender we had to work while others did not. We built them at random times of the year too, and this was one of those times.
Tuna. Canned tuna in stacks, glaring ominously at passerby, packed in aluminum.
Abraham
"You look... thirsty," I said, "I could go inside and get you something. Dr. Pepper. Water, maybe?"
She smiled, and when her teeth showed it was like the icy shining blade of a knife pressing against my throat and I sort of gulped. All I wanted today was a bag of doritos to go with the subway sandwich I wanted to get before going back to work. I swear I wasn't going to do anything. Honest, mister.
Lady Person withdrew a bottle of water from one of the large pockets within her purple wizard robe thing. She sipped cooly, proudly, then set it on the ground, taking up that garden hose once more and holding it in a gaurding stance. Usually it was assigned for watering flowers. Hurr-durr. I watched it carefully.
Then this weird game started, where I would leap forward and she would block, I would dart and she would hold her ground, aiming the hose at me.
"Have you ever heard the saying, 'A rolling stone gathers no moss'?" She asked after a few minutes.
"No." I said, "Have you ever heard the saying, 'All your base are belong to us'?!"
"What--"
And I lunged, grabbing up her water bottle. I opened the top quickly, poured it all onto the ground with an excited flourish. The water made a glugglugglug sound, and drew interesting patterns on the shady sidewalk.
"Ha ha!" I yelled, victorious, "NOW YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DRINK!"
People out in the front parking lot turned to look at us. We must've looked quite silly, her standing there with the garden hose wrapped possessively round her thin, tall body like an angry god of war, me yelling blatantly about her lack of liquid hydration. I looked back at all of the people for a second and got a little nervous, I imagined they were all talking about me. That hurts my feelings.
I shook the paranoia out of my brain and pointed to the lady, who stood numbly next to the glass doors.
"And... and... that means when you get thirsty... I'll be here to get you a drink!" I leaned against the tall yellow-brown pillar opposite from her, nodding, affirming this fact. Which meant I won.
She laughed.
Oh crap, maybe I didn't win.
"You really are an idiot." She dug into another pocket and came up with a cigarette this time, perching it between her teeth and lighting it.
"That stuff causes cancer."
"Hot sauce causes can-cer." She retorted.
"No it does-n't." I taunted.
"I wish it did..." She muttered, and blew smoke in my direction. I pretended like I didn't hear.
Georgie
"Hey Tim," I hissed as he passed me to begin his shift on the register ahead, "Crazy Guy get in here yet? I thought I heard his cart."
"Negative."
I just finished ringing up a family of three that ate like a family of seven, when one of the men in dark suits walked up to me. His cologne was subtle, his face very handsome. He had a bluetooth in his ear, which meant he was too awesomely busy and on-the-go to hold his cell phone like everyone else. He was very well groomed, which I noticed as he got right in my face. He smiled perfectly, whispering,
(oh god please don't hit on me I hate when they do that)
I cringed, leaned back a little.
He finally said, "Do you know a guy... named Abraham?"
"No." I said immeadiately.
I don't trust guys with suits and bluetooth phones. They're usually very rude anyways. They always hold a finger up as if to say, "hang on a second, I'm a total jerk", when you're the one who's only asking paper or plastic.
He looked disappointed, "Well if you see him, could you please... call me? Here's my card."
(OMG it even has a watermark do you like huey lewis and the news?!
wait is he giving me his number?? OH GROSS)
I snort at this thought and he raises his eyebrows.
"Sorry. Er, yeah. I'll um, call. Sure."
"Thanks. What's your name."
"George. What yours? Patrick Bateman?" I couldn't help but get sarcastic with him. He was an easy target from the start.
"Who?"
"Never mind. Have a nice day Mr...," I look at the card, "Mason. Wilkes Mason?"
"Friends call me Will."
"Uh-huh. Bye, Mr. Mason."
He points, winks, leaves. And I think I'm going to throw up. I looked at the mighty sunkist tuna display then, set up to look something like a wave, and smile. Riley spent all morning working on it, even came in extra early--he said so as he picked me up for work, which was lunch break for him. Other than water cooler talk, the ride was shy and quiet. Mainly because I was imagining pulling that gold tooth out of his mouth.
"Hey. Hey. George! GEEEEORGE!"
I jumped, "Oh hey, Joseph!"
He looked serious, however, "You have a costumer."
"Oh. Oh. Ooops."
I went back to ringing up crap. Just then, Sid passed Joe, spiking up his hair absentmindedly, "Ey, going on a smoke break..."
"Okay," Joseph chimed, "But remember the inspectors are here and you have to clean your locker... oh, screw it." Because Sid was already passing the costumer service window. The two men in black suits were standing in front of it, tapping their shiny feet and bobbing their heads. I pictured them sharing an iPod and felt better, less threatened.
Demeter
"Hey, Sara. Sara I need you in here. I can't find that one form--"
I growled impatiently, "Everything is in the filing cabinet."
"Yeah but I couldn't find--"
"Jesus, Reeves, without me, you couldn't even look straight."
I looked around quickly, putting the hose down. I was not panicky or frightened, Abraham (I was going to have to get used to calling him that) was ducking strangely behind one of the huge pots of flowers next to the red metal bench outside of the store. I peered into the parking lot, where my boyfriend was climbing into his car, but he didn't acknowledge my presence.
Whatever. I sighed, looking back at the lump behind the flower pot, curious as to why he was hiding.
I followed Reeves inside to find the stupid piece of paper.
Sid
"Hey. Heeey. Hey guy." I whispered from my seat on the bench.
He looked up from behind the flowers, "I'm not your guy, bud---wait, that doesn't make sense."
I shook my head, not knowing what he was talking about.
"Well listen, man, I can get you into the store."
That got him going. He raised his head a bit, "Is that asshole gone?"
"What asshole. There are a bunch around here."
"Nevermind. ...I just want my bag of sweet and spicy doritos. I have to get back to work soon."
"Kay. Follow me." I smiled, and we darted over to the warehouse entrance, located on the right side of the building, "Wait... you work? ...Bollocks."
Demeter
SLAM.
The metal drawer shut firmly in my grasp. I scanned the document and smiled sweetly at the two men in the window, sending them whatever form it was they needed to verify through the chute.
Idiots.
"There you are, gentleman." And with a smile.
Georgie
I yawned. Dead time at the register meant leaning time for cashiers. Reeves had instructed us to look busy, but that was hard. I had enough to deal with, Sid yelling
(where is Sid it's awfully quiet other than the endless beeping and the kids screaming)
in the background and the other baggers fighting for a spot as Joseph sang. So now, it was relaxing time.
Tim, ahead of me, apparently agreed. He looked up, over at the costumer window.
"Yes, indeed. It appears this semi-annual inspection will pass smoothly. They're signing the final papers as we--"
SCRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCH
Demeter
"You boys have a nice--
Oh my God."
I could only feel my face freeze, my entire body tense up as the two men in black, dressed like death to me then, turned and witnessed
Georgie
A cart, the loudest cart I might add, screaming towards the tuna display
(london bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down!)
too quickly. Nobody could catch it. Everyone just stared. Costumers scurried out of the way. There was no driver (Crazy Guy was nowhere to be found, though he was, of course, the sole suspect in the aftermath) behind the silver wheels, just a loud noise and a collective gasp and a concious thought of
HO SHI--!
And then canned seafood and wagon collided, and the whole neatly stacked display--cardboard cutout fishies and all--came toppling down. Tammy looked at Kim, Kim looked at Tim, Tim looked at me. I just stared at the cans, hand covering my mouth again, all crashing down in a flood across the floor like the thing was an actual wave.
When the cans quieted, there was a moment of silence. A cough.
cricket cricket.
Joseph said, "TIMBEEER."
The cashiers looked at him and he shrugged, "What? Too soon?"
The two guys in black just tapped their feet, shaking their heads. And then something happened that even shut Joseph up. Reeves walked into veiw, messing with his barely there hair and rubbing stressfully at his face. Demeter was actually slouching.
"This is gonna get ugly." Tammy said softly.
"Already is." I replied.