Emotions
Emotions
Gerard’s POV
We did it again tonight. I saw you approaching, your eyes fixed on me. I knew right there and then what was about to come.
It happens all the time: we play a show. We play our music, our songs and we deliver a performance. We give the fans a show they will never forget. The touching and the kissing is a part of it. It’s to entertain the crowd – we know they love it – or to set homophobes off – we know they hate it. We have been acting like this as long as I can remember.
It started as a joke, everything was just for fun. But something has changed, at least for me. I know you don’t feel the same.
Something was different tonight. You kissed me. Not on the cheek as you usually do. No, this was a full blown kiss. You pressed your lips against mine, wet from the sweat caused by the heat on stage. You gripped my hair with your hand pulled me closer. My body was pressed against the cold metal parts of your guitar. The kiss lasted only a few seconds, but it was enough to send me straight to heaven. I lost my focus. I went on autopilot the rest of the show, everything was a blur. All I wanted was you to kiss me again.
We went back to the tour bus right after the show, already leaving for another city. That is where I am now. I’m lying in my bunk trying to get some sleep. I seem to be the only one awake; the sound of even breaths and snoring fills the darkness that surrounds me. I sigh and turn in bed, now lying on my back, hands under my head. The memory of the kiss keeps spinning in my head.
Do you have any idea of how much your actions affect me? I guess not. To you, this whole kissing and touching thing is nothing but a joke. But… what if… what if you actually feel the same? Maybe this kiss was your way to show it. After all, we keep getting more and more intimate on stage…
“Stop it”, I mutter to myself. I know it’s not true. You have a fiancée, and I know how much you love her. I see it in your face every time her name is mentioned. I only wish I was the one who made you smile that way…
I sigh again and throw the blanket aside. I need a cigarette to calm down. I find the pack of cigarettes in the pocket of the jeans I wore earlier. I leave the bunk area and head for the small kitchen, sticking a cigarette in the corner of my mouth.
I enter the room and stop dead in the doorway. You are standing by an open window, blowing out cigarette smoke in the darkness of the night. You look equally surprised to see me.
“Seems like I’m not the only insomniac here”, you say. You knock the ash off the cigarette in the white ashtray standing on the sink next to you.
I’m still in the doorway, not knowing what to do. I came here with the hopes of forgetting about you for a while. Might be a bit difficult to ignore your presence now, don’t you think?
“You’re not going to smoke?” you ask while showing me your lighter. I smile: the lighter is black with the Misfits logo. You are such a nerd.
“Nice lighter”.
You giggle. “Come over here. I’ll light your cig.”
I walk over to you. You raise your hand and light it. Your hand is shaking slightly, probably from the cold coming from the open window.
“I thought you were going to quit”, you say.
“I thought you had already quit”, I reply.
“Shut up.”
I laugh.
We say nothing more. We continue blowing the smoke out of the window, staring into the night, both lost in thought.
“It was fun today”, you say, breaking the silence. “It was a great show.”
I nod in agreement. Did you have to remind me about the kiss? Not that I ever forgot about it…
“The crowd was wild”, I say.
“Yeah.” You giggle. “They loved the kiss.”
My insides flutter. This is the perfect moment to confess my feelings for you. We are alone, and it wasn’t even I who brought up the topic. For a moment I wonder what would happen if I told you that I also loved the kiss, probably a lot more than the fans… Would you reject me, or would you tell me that you feel the same? Being so close to telling the truth scares me. Do I even want you to know the truth? Is it worth it? What if it would ruin our friendship?
“They always love it”, I finally say. I can’t tell you the truth. “They know we are just joking around.” I could have cut my tongue off. Why on earth did I say that? I might not have the guts to tell the truth, but this is making it even worse!
“Yeah…” you say slowly. “I guess so”.
Your reaction surprises me. You don’t nod in agreement or smile at me. Hell, you don’t even look at me. In fact, you look bewildered, almost… sad. You seem lost in thought yet again.
“Frank”, I say. “If you don’t chuck out that fag soon you’ll burn your fingers”.
“What? Oh.” You throw the cigarette in the empty ashtray. You end up standing by the sink, your fingers nervously tapping the shiny surface.
“Frank, what’s...”
“Gerard”, you interrupt, taking a step closer. You swallow hard. “Doyouthinkwecoulddoitagain?”
“What?” I blurt out, not catching a word of what you just said.
You back away from me, apparently shocked by your own words.
“I… No… Never mind. Just forget it”. You turn around and leave the room. I stare at the empty doorway, not knowing what happened.
Then it hits me. Oh my God. My slow brain finally manages to separate the blur of words you said. You were talking about the kiss! I drop my fag in the ashtray, hurrying after you.
“Frank!” I call loudly. I don’t want to wake the others, but I need to catch your attention before you run away from me.
I catch you halfway to your bunk. I grab your arm tightly and drag you out of the room, back to the living room area. I grasp your shoulders, not letting you move an inch. I want you to repeat what you said. I need to know.
“Say that again, Frank”, I breathe, my face close to yours. My heart is beating fast, waiting for you to answer. You don’t. You don’t take your eyes off me. You are hesitating, looking almost frightened.
“Please, Frank”, I beg. I sound more desperate than I intend.
Then things happen shockingly fast. I am no longer standing with my hands on your shoulders, looking down at you. I am pushed against the wall, your body pressed against mine. Our lips collide violently. You grab my hair, just like you did on stage, pulling it, making it impossible to get away from your hungry lips.
I’m so shocked I can’t move. Then I finally realize what’s going on. You’re kissing me! You’re actually doing it! I put one arm around you. The other one is searching its way down your chest. I slip my hand under your shirt, touching your soft, tattooed skin. I pull you even closer, until there is no space between us. I moan as your lips leave mine only to start nipping my neck.
“Frank… Oh, Frankie!” I gasp as you pull down the collar of my shirt and kiss my exposed skin. It feels like I’m living one of my many dreams about you, only this is real. I try to take in everything: your scent, the touch of your hands on my body, and your wet lips tracing its way up my neck to finally meet my lips again. Your hand is slowly making circles on my back, while my hand is playing with the curls in your neck. This is the most amazing feeling in the world.
I break the kiss, panting, our eyes connecting. You hold your hands around my waist and your breathing is uneven.
“It’s not a joke anymore, is it?” Your breathing is still heavy.
I shake my head and look deep into your beautiful eyes, finally ready to confess what I’ve wanted to tell you for so long. “It hasn’t been a joke for a while. Not for me”.
“Something happened today when we kissed on stage”, you say. “Thinking about it… It actually happened long ago.” You fall silent, as if you are pondering over what to say next.
“I can’t pretend anymore”, you continue. “I’m in love with you, Gerard. I’ve been in love with you for months.”
My heart skips a beat and I feel overwhelmed by emotion. After all this time, all the heartache, my dream is finally coming true. You’re in love with me! You’re actually in love with me!
I pull you into a tight hug.
“I’m in love with you too, Frank Iero.”
We did it again tonight. I saw you approaching, your eyes fixed on me. I knew right there and then what was about to come.
It happens all the time: we play a show. We play our music, our songs and we deliver a performance. We give the fans a show they will never forget. The touching and the kissing is a part of it. It’s to entertain the crowd – we know they love it – or to set homophobes off – we know they hate it. We have been acting like this as long as I can remember.
It started as a joke, everything was just for fun. But something has changed, at least for me. I know you don’t feel the same.
Something was different tonight. You kissed me. Not on the cheek as you usually do. No, this was a full blown kiss. You pressed your lips against mine, wet from the sweat caused by the heat on stage. You gripped my hair with your hand pulled me closer. My body was pressed against the cold metal parts of your guitar. The kiss lasted only a few seconds, but it was enough to send me straight to heaven. I lost my focus. I went on autopilot the rest of the show, everything was a blur. All I wanted was you to kiss me again.
We went back to the tour bus right after the show, already leaving for another city. That is where I am now. I’m lying in my bunk trying to get some sleep. I seem to be the only one awake; the sound of even breaths and snoring fills the darkness that surrounds me. I sigh and turn in bed, now lying on my back, hands under my head. The memory of the kiss keeps spinning in my head.
Do you have any idea of how much your actions affect me? I guess not. To you, this whole kissing and touching thing is nothing but a joke. But… what if… what if you actually feel the same? Maybe this kiss was your way to show it. After all, we keep getting more and more intimate on stage…
“Stop it”, I mutter to myself. I know it’s not true. You have a fiancée, and I know how much you love her. I see it in your face every time her name is mentioned. I only wish I was the one who made you smile that way…
I sigh again and throw the blanket aside. I need a cigarette to calm down. I find the pack of cigarettes in the pocket of the jeans I wore earlier. I leave the bunk area and head for the small kitchen, sticking a cigarette in the corner of my mouth.
I enter the room and stop dead in the doorway. You are standing by an open window, blowing out cigarette smoke in the darkness of the night. You look equally surprised to see me.
“Seems like I’m not the only insomniac here”, you say. You knock the ash off the cigarette in the white ashtray standing on the sink next to you.
I’m still in the doorway, not knowing what to do. I came here with the hopes of forgetting about you for a while. Might be a bit difficult to ignore your presence now, don’t you think?
“You’re not going to smoke?” you ask while showing me your lighter. I smile: the lighter is black with the Misfits logo. You are such a nerd.
“Nice lighter”.
You giggle. “Come over here. I’ll light your cig.”
I walk over to you. You raise your hand and light it. Your hand is shaking slightly, probably from the cold coming from the open window.
“I thought you were going to quit”, you say.
“I thought you had already quit”, I reply.
“Shut up.”
I laugh.
We say nothing more. We continue blowing the smoke out of the window, staring into the night, both lost in thought.
“It was fun today”, you say, breaking the silence. “It was a great show.”
I nod in agreement. Did you have to remind me about the kiss? Not that I ever forgot about it…
“The crowd was wild”, I say.
“Yeah.” You giggle. “They loved the kiss.”
My insides flutter. This is the perfect moment to confess my feelings for you. We are alone, and it wasn’t even I who brought up the topic. For a moment I wonder what would happen if I told you that I also loved the kiss, probably a lot more than the fans… Would you reject me, or would you tell me that you feel the same? Being so close to telling the truth scares me. Do I even want you to know the truth? Is it worth it? What if it would ruin our friendship?
“They always love it”, I finally say. I can’t tell you the truth. “They know we are just joking around.” I could have cut my tongue off. Why on earth did I say that? I might not have the guts to tell the truth, but this is making it even worse!
“Yeah…” you say slowly. “I guess so”.
Your reaction surprises me. You don’t nod in agreement or smile at me. Hell, you don’t even look at me. In fact, you look bewildered, almost… sad. You seem lost in thought yet again.
“Frank”, I say. “If you don’t chuck out that fag soon you’ll burn your fingers”.
“What? Oh.” You throw the cigarette in the empty ashtray. You end up standing by the sink, your fingers nervously tapping the shiny surface.
“Frank, what’s...”
“Gerard”, you interrupt, taking a step closer. You swallow hard. “Doyouthinkwecoulddoitagain?”
“What?” I blurt out, not catching a word of what you just said.
You back away from me, apparently shocked by your own words.
“I… No… Never mind. Just forget it”. You turn around and leave the room. I stare at the empty doorway, not knowing what happened.
Then it hits me. Oh my God. My slow brain finally manages to separate the blur of words you said. You were talking about the kiss! I drop my fag in the ashtray, hurrying after you.
“Frank!” I call loudly. I don’t want to wake the others, but I need to catch your attention before you run away from me.
I catch you halfway to your bunk. I grab your arm tightly and drag you out of the room, back to the living room area. I grasp your shoulders, not letting you move an inch. I want you to repeat what you said. I need to know.
“Say that again, Frank”, I breathe, my face close to yours. My heart is beating fast, waiting for you to answer. You don’t. You don’t take your eyes off me. You are hesitating, looking almost frightened.
“Please, Frank”, I beg. I sound more desperate than I intend.
Then things happen shockingly fast. I am no longer standing with my hands on your shoulders, looking down at you. I am pushed against the wall, your body pressed against mine. Our lips collide violently. You grab my hair, just like you did on stage, pulling it, making it impossible to get away from your hungry lips.
I’m so shocked I can’t move. Then I finally realize what’s going on. You’re kissing me! You’re actually doing it! I put one arm around you. The other one is searching its way down your chest. I slip my hand under your shirt, touching your soft, tattooed skin. I pull you even closer, until there is no space between us. I moan as your lips leave mine only to start nipping my neck.
“Frank… Oh, Frankie!” I gasp as you pull down the collar of my shirt and kiss my exposed skin. It feels like I’m living one of my many dreams about you, only this is real. I try to take in everything: your scent, the touch of your hands on my body, and your wet lips tracing its way up my neck to finally meet my lips again. Your hand is slowly making circles on my back, while my hand is playing with the curls in your neck. This is the most amazing feeling in the world.
I break the kiss, panting, our eyes connecting. You hold your hands around my waist and your breathing is uneven.
“It’s not a joke anymore, is it?” Your breathing is still heavy.
I shake my head and look deep into your beautiful eyes, finally ready to confess what I’ve wanted to tell you for so long. “It hasn’t been a joke for a while. Not for me”.
“Something happened today when we kissed on stage”, you say. “Thinking about it… It actually happened long ago.” You fall silent, as if you are pondering over what to say next.
“I can’t pretend anymore”, you continue. “I’m in love with you, Gerard. I’ve been in love with you for months.”
My heart skips a beat and I feel overwhelmed by emotion. After all this time, all the heartache, my dream is finally coming true. You’re in love with me! You’re actually in love with me!
I pull you into a tight hug.
“I’m in love with you too, Frank Iero.”