Too Much

[ Jasey Rae ]

I must be insane. I agreed willingly to come over to Alex’s house and I watched a movie with him. A whole hundred five minutes without a single harsh word between the two of us. I was still hesitant, but things seemed to lighten as the movie went on. Before I knew it, I was standing on the porch with Alex about five steps in front of me.

“You know, that used to be our movie.” Alex chuckled, referring to Rocky Horror as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. I had warned myself against picking it, but I hadn’t seen it in so long that I’d simply shrugged off the fact that Alex might get ideas from it.

“A long time ago,” I agreed and crossed my arms. I stared down at my feet and took in every detail of my old, worn out converse. I’d need some new ones pretty soon.

“So, did you have a good time?” Alex asked hopefully, teetering back and forth on his feet. His eyes were worried while he tried to smile. It looked wrong.

“I had a great time.” I giggled lightly as he gave a huge sigh. It was almost as if he’s been holding his breath for my answer. I didn’t like how he was walking on egg shells around me. I was still expecting the raging Gaskarth to come roaring out at any moment. Surely it would come, it always did.

“So, you think we could do this again?” It was his smirk that unsettled me. He was getting cocky. My stomach dropped while I bit my bottom lip.

“I don’t know, Alex,” I shook my head slowly. Things seemed to settling down between us, but it still felt like with one wrong word all that could change. A loud thud caused me to jump and quickly look back up to Alex.

He was angry. That much was obvious, but why I wasn’t so clear on. “Dammit Jasey!” He yelled and I suddenly felt small. I was apparently what made him angry. “Why! Why are you making this so fucking difficult?” He groaned as his hands went to his hair, as if to pull it out with frustration.

“I didn’t know I was.” I answered, a bit hurt. I was still trying to figure out why he’d punched the wall, but I didn’t like the way he was talking to me.

“Of course you know you are! You always fucking do it!” He extended his hands toward me, exasperated. “I try to be nice and you snip at me, driving me mad, and in the process, making me do something stupid!”

“I can’t take credit for your stupidity.” I spat, anger building up inside of me too. “That just comes natural to you.”

“See!” Alex cried, pointing his finger at me. “There it is! Why can’t you just make up your fucking mind and either forgive me or entirely rule me out? Stop playing with me!”

“Stop playing with you?” I repeated with disbelief before I completely saw red. “I tried pushing you out of my life, remember that? You wouldn’t leave me alone! Instead you butted in every chance you could and I’m sorry if I can’t forgive you as fast as you want, but. You. Hurt. Me.” I clutched my chest, as it started to pang at memories.

“And it always brings us back to this shit.” Alex shook his head and turned his back to me.

“Of course it always bring us back to this shit. Alex, you walked out on me! I put up with your inconsistent moods and overly flirty ways, and then you walked out on me at one of the most terrifying moments of my life.” There were tears building steadily, angry, hurt tears as he turned back around toward me. “I was always there for you and when I thought I was pregnant with your fucking kid, you walked out like it was nothing!” I hadn’t realized my voice rising until the last word came out and it rang in my ears. I needed to leave before I broke down in front of him.

“I was a kid, Jasey! Of course I did something stupid!” His voice rang in my ears too.

“We were both kids Alex. I was just as scared as you, but I fought through it because I thought I had to.” My breathing was coming in quick, irregular takes. I’d be a right state soon, gasping and crying all over the place. “You ran like the fucking pansy you are!”

“At least I realized my mistake!” He scowled at me and then gave a short, bitter laugh. “I came running right back to you after I came to terms with things. I was ready to give the world just to be with you and have a kid with you. You wouldn’t give me the fucking time of day. Instead you wanted to do this whole self righteous bullshit while you hid from everything!”

“Oh, and what exactly is it that I was hiding from, Alex? You?” I tightened my hold on my sides, trying to control my breathing bit by bit.

“Yes, you hid from me, but you were also hiding from everything else!” Alex’s eyes softened as he continued to stare at me. I wouldn’t let myself ease up on him as my eyes stayed narrowed and ice cold. “You used the baby and the whole argument with me as an excuse not to chase your dreams.”

“What the fuck ever,” I muttered and turned to leave. I was down the sidewalk when he jogged to my side.

“Like you said Jasey, we were kids and we were scared. You were scared to get out in the world, that’s why you blew this whole thing up. So you could blame someone for your ruined future when in reality, you were too much of a coward to move on after high school.” His words cut through me and brought the tears flowing freely down my cheeks. He touched my arm gently, trying to stop me and turn me toward him.

I ripped away from him. “Don’t you ever, fucking touch me again!” I spoke sternly even with the tears and the awful feeling in my chest.

Alex looked hurt as I stomped away from him and to my car. I didn’t give a second look back as I got in the car and drove as fast as I could as far away as I could. I didn’t stop until I reached the beach, and even then I got out of my car and just kept walking.