Jizz In My Pants

Staring at the devil and his sex slave, All Time Low and company waited for them to finish consuming the drugged Pumpkin Squares. As horse-face gobbled the remaining treats, he laughed, spitting crumbs everywhere. "None for you!" he sang horribly, pointing at them.
Satan slapped Trace’s arms lightly and laughed. “You son of a bitch! You ate the, the last…” He couldn’t finish due to the enormous amount of laughing emanating from the pit of his belly. It was uncontrollable; the drugs had started to take effect. Their laughter turned to giggles, which then turned to little hiccups. Before long, both of the evil men were laying unconscious on the floor under the mercy of the pumpkin squares.

Gabe ran over to Satan and kicked him in the side, making sure he was out for the count. In a hushed tone, he crouched down and said, "Okay, guys. Now we've got to get you back to the bus before they wake up. But be quiet!” Skulking away, they attempted to get out of the cave without making a sound. Jack, however, fucked that whole plan up after a random flame shot up from the ground and singed his eyebrows.

The Arab jumped back, squealing. "My face! My face!" Gabe slapped his hand over Jack's mouth, holding a finger to his own. They all listened in silence before it was concluded that the bad guys didn't wake up.

"Dude, you’re such a dumbass! Come on!" Gabe whispered as the gang followed him out of the cave. Sitting just yonder was a motorcycle with four side cars. Everyone coupled up and jumped in with Gabe on the bike. Mark stood at the side, face slightly pink; he wasn’t quite sure where to sit. Gabe pointed to the seat behind him, "Get on!" After a moment’s hesitation, he complied and grabbed on tightly. Instead of the roar of the engine, a distinct hissing sound came from the bike. Everyone turned to Gabe as he screamed his battle cry and popped a wheelie. “COBRA!” With that, the bike took flight over the fiery wasteland.

Flying over hell was much like flying over Hollywood. Sure, there were a number of celebrities, but none that anyone cared too much about. Zack would occasionally point and laugh at the latest washed up reality TV star below. Suddenly the bike was struck by a foreign object, almost sending them all careening down to the unforgiving and rocky ground. Ever the hero, Gabe managed to keep it upright. Everyone frantically looked around trying to find the source of the collision. With her keen eye, Laura found it. Spiraling out of the sky in a plume of smoke was a similar vehicle. “There! It’s another bike!”

Rian's eyes went wide when he realized who was in the bike. He then proceeded to emit a loud, girlish squeal. Jumping out of the car, he tried to fly after the group, forgetting the blatantly clear fact that humans cannot fly. The rest of the group stared shell shocked. Mason was the first to react. "SAVUS THATUS FUCKINGUS BIKUS!" The bike Rian was after slowed down and landed safely, much to Mason’s relief. Beside them, Gabe landed the overloaded motorcycle. Like mark Hoppus separated from his mong, Mason ran to his love. He grabbed Rian's hand. But the mind reader slipped out of his grasp, running towards the other group.

"BAM!" he screamed in fanboy-ness. Looking at each other, the group had the same thoughts. Surely it couldn't be...? Oh, but it was. Rising from the smoke came Bam Margera, Steve-O, Johnny Knoxville, and Wee-Man. Together, they made up the mighty Jackass team.

Mark stepped forward, astonished. "What are you guys doing here?"

Johnny brushed off his jacket, pulling a spare cigarette out of his pocket. "Well, see, we were trying to do this stunt where Wee-Man-"

The dwarf cut him off. "I said, call me Jason! You know I don't like it when you-"

"I need to take a piss," said Steve-O. With a nonchalant air about him, he bounced off to find a suitable place to take a leak.

Rian still was not over the fact that the Jackass crew was before them. Even though they were dead, it was still pretty cool. "You guys might have pulled that off if Bam hadn't lit his ass on fire!"

Bam laughed. "Yeah, but Wee-M-"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" The four foot wonder huffed angrily. He was about to drop some knowledge on Bam when suddenly a roar came from behind them, causing everyone to jump slightly.

"Satan's awake! Or maybe that was Trace..." Alex and Jack grabbed onto their spouses and looked around protectively. Anna and Melissa looked at each other and wondered why their boyfriends were so possessive. Anyways, they had to get back to their bus pronto.

But Rian still had so many things he wanted to ask the dead dare-devils. "Hey!" he called, grinning madly. "You guys should come with us. Is there some sort of an 'exit' button out of hell?"

Gabe smiled sadly. "Rian, I’m sure it was their time to go. Besides, I'm sure they'll be happier down here." To prove his point, he pointed at Steve-O, who was currently pissing on the shoe of Billy Mays. The bearded man continued to try to sell them his new product, 'Piss Away', as the hyperactive bald man leaked his urine all over his suede shoes. "Okay, now come on!" The gang regretfully left the Jackass crew behind, jumping back into the bike. Breezing through hell, they made it to the bus in a matter of minutes.

Gabe stood by his bike. "I'll see you later, guys." Everyone tearfully said goodbye to the heroic Cobra. Just as they were about to board their bus, a loud snarl erupted from behind them. The terrible two had caught up to them and they were pissed.

"GABE SAPORTA! YOU DIE NOW!" Steam poured out of Trace’s ears as he pointed to the hoodie clad, lanky man.

Satan raised his hand timidly. “Well, technically if he’s in hell, doesn’t that mean he’s already dead?”

"W-WELL, THEN, UH, I'LL BANISH YOU TO THE WORST DEPTHS OF HELL! WHERE ONLY THE WORST BASTARDS LAY FOR ETERNITY! YEAH!" Raising his hand, Trace was about to smite Gabe. But suddenly, a group of people appeared behind the man. “Wh-what?! Who are these people?”

Anna squinted her eyes. “That’s not Midtown… Who are they?”

Gabe and the rest of his gang threw up their fangs, the Cobra symbol of power. The energy of this sign was too much for the devil to handle; he melted in a puddle of molten leather pants. Trace screamed in horror at his former master on the ground. Just as they were about to disappear into the distance, Gabe offered a simple explanation. “I’m a Cobra now. Cobras never die.”

The wise man and his crew quickly took off into the sky, flying out o hell all together. Jack didn’t hesitate to run onto the bus while Trace was having his mini-breakdown. The rest of the gang soon followed suit; Mason used his powers to levitate the bus up and out of the pits of hell.