Jizz In My Pants

Not a single person uttered a word, for Mark’s offer was simply too much, too shocking, for them to comprehend. One might think that after all everyone had been through, the thought of a pregnant man would be rather tame. Fighting the Cracken is pretty high up there on the WTF-scale, officially measured at 516 fuckibles. Mark looked around the room of faces again and urged on his idea. “Come on, please? I can do this! You will have all the adorability of a kid without having to get fat!”

Melissa turned to Alex and tried to read his expression, which wasn’t hard because he looked completely ecstatic about the whole thing. As long as he’s happy… “Count me in.”

“YES!” Both Alex and Mark rejoiced and hugged Melissa, grateful that she would agree to such an outrageous thing. Laura put on her “oh shit” face and folded her arms across her chest. While Jack and Anna were already scheming ways to be the cool aunty and uncle, Zack and Rian fist pumped like they were on Jersey shore.

Caught up in the moment, Melissa had failed to mention that she had but one condition. “Wait! Guys, wait. We have to summon Humble-Whore tonight.”

With a laugh, Mark sat down and put his arm around Melissa’s shoulder. “What’s the rush, honey-buns? We still need to figure out the way to summon him. I mean, I’m sure there’s some intricate ceremony to call upon his greatness, right? Sure wizards can do it, but we ain’t. So yeah, gotta read up on how this works.”

“If we don’t do it tonight and the transfer doesn’t go as planned, then I still want to be able to make my appointment…” Like an ice cream cone on a hot summer day, Alex’s face melted when he heard of Melissa’s still made up mind that she wasn’t going to have the baby. But he understood her reasoning; she really could not afford to do it. “I know I seem like an inconsiderate asshole, but it’s either tonight, or no deal.”

Slinking back into the couch, seated between Alex and Melissa, Mark began to think up a way they could get Humble-Whore, the greatest wizard of all time, to come to the RV. “I don’t know shit about wizards except for the few things Rian told me when the fat one was with us. So don’t look at me.”

Accordingly, all stares were then directed to Rian. He groaned in response, knowing that they all expected him to be the one knowing how to call Humble-Whore. “Wow, uhm, okay… I-I think I vaguely remember Mason telling me something about a ceremony to call the ‘Great One,’ who I guess is Humble-Whore. But I’m not sure if it will work…”

“What do you remember?” Laura asked. Although she wasn’t completely sold on the idea of Mark being a pregnant man, she was still interested in the process in which such a thing would happen.

Walking over to get a pad of paper stolen from one of the hotels and a pen, he wrote down the items needed to perform the ritual. There were quite a few. “Okay, if we can just go to the store, then-“

“We don’t really have time to go to the store. It’s already almost dark. If this is going to happen, it will be tonight with whatever stuff we have, or I’m going to miss my flight. And if I miss my flight, I might as well be dead…”

“Okay then!” exclaimed Alex. “We should have all the stuff, right Rian?” The expecting father looked hopefully to Rian, who in turn only gave back a worried look.

“We need five candles, a black robe for each of us, a hot meal to sacrifice to the spirits, a leg of a spider, an N*SYNC CD, weed, a bull’s left testicle, a black rose, and a porn magazine.” Checking over the list again, Rian made sure that they didn’t need anything else. “Oh yeah, and someone has to recite a poem to actually perform the ceremony. I guess I’ll be the one to do that.”

With a sharp exhale, Alex tried to calm his nerves and get a grip. “Okay, okay, we can do this! Mark, I’m sure you can take care of the porn, weed, and N*SYNC CD, right?”

“Definitely. And just down the road is a ranch that we passed on the way to the diner. Jack will go up to a bull and chop his nuts off. Won’t you Jack?”

“Wait,” said the Arab, “why me?”

“Because you’re dumb and will do anything I say,” said Mark with a very excellent point.

“Can’t argue with that logic.” Jack sighed dejectedly and put his arm around Anna, wishing that he wasn’t so hooked on the Hoppus.

Conversation continued amongst the group, picking and choosing how they would get each item and preparing themselves for the ceremony. Everyone seemed really confident except for Alex, who was freaked out more than he had ever been in his life. Losing that baby would break him and he prayed that his friends could help him prevent Melissa from getting an abortion.

Only about an hour later, everyone was gathered behind the bus which was parked behind the barn at the nearby ranch. Rian was gathering the items that they had all collected and was setting up the preliminary measures for the ritual. Laura had taken care of the spider leg when she saw one of the arachnids crawling in Zack’s hair. After Zack screamed and punched Laura on accident for fear of the spider, Laura kicked him in the nether regions, stunning him, and killed the spider to extract a leg. He was still cringing in pain on the ground outside. “Oh my god, why did you have to fucking kick me there? I’m never going to be able to reproduce! Look at me! I’m too hot to not make copies of myself!”

“Well you wouldn’t stop being a pansy! I had to find some way to make you stop squirming.” Laura shrugged and looked over to the barn where Jack still was, attempting to retrieve a bull’s left testicle. “Should any of us go in there and-“

“GOT IT!” A triumphant Jack came running out of the barn with a little brown paper bag, its contents being the bull’s family jewels.

Rian laughed and took the bag from him, inspecting it and putting it in the pile. “How did you manage to get them? I completely thought you’d get yourself killed.”

“It wasn’t easy. I had to do a couple of things I weren’t proud of, but I got the bull to comply to giving me its balls.” Mark Hoppus and company looked skeptically at the lanky boy, but resolved to not discuss the matter any further; the fear of what images might conjure in their minds kept their curiosity at bay.

Anna used one of the roses that Jack had given her recently and put all of her eyeliner on it to make it black. Alex heated up a hot pocket in the microwave as a meal. Seeing as there were only three candles on the bus, the other two were substituted with dildos lit on fire, supplied by Melissa. Rian was the only one with an authentic black robe, for Mason had given him his old wizarding cloak from Pig-Pimples. The rest of the crew replaced the black garment with other articles. Anna and Jack were quite comfortable in their two-person Snuggie. Laura, Zack, Alex, and Melissa wore togas made from bed sheets. And Mark, ever the classy individual, wore his black mong.

Again, Rian checked over his list and the items before him, concluding that they had everything they needed to summon the Great One. “Okay, now first we have to set up the candles/ dildos in a circle. After, we have to take the magazine and make a small fire out of it, roasting the bull’s testicles. The hairiest person in the group has to eat it along with the spider leg to represent the monster spirit.” Jack gagged a little in his mouth, knowing that he would most definitely be the one to eat them.

Mark took the initiative and arranged the candles and dildos in formation and crumpled pages of the porn magazine in the middle to get ready for the fire. “Okay, then what after that?”

“After Jack eats the, erm, ‘parts’ of the bull and spider, he has to take the black rose and throw it in the fire. I don’t really know what that signifies, but whatever. Then to make everyone one with the Great One, we all have to take a toke from a joint, passed around the circle in a counter-clockwise motion. And I, as the speaker of the spell, have to eat the presented meal of the hot pocket and say the incantation. It is very important that N*SYNC must be playing in the background, or the spell won’t work. Humble-Whore will appear in the middle of the circle and we will be able to request his help.”

Anna scratched her head with inquiry. “I thought you said you only vaguely remembered the ceremony? That’s oddly specific instruction.”

“I have a photographic memory,” explained the beautiful, knowledgeable man.

“Prove it!” yelled Mark. “What color mong did I buy when I first met you all?”

“Blue.”

“Damn!” Amazed, Mark adjusted his current mong and took his place in the circle; it was time to begin.

As instructed, Rian turned on the N*SYNC CD via the stereo on the RV and blasted it so it could be heard where they were. Then, the candles and porno-fire were lit, Jack ate the spider leg and bull balls, burned the black rose, and rolled a joint for everyone to smoke. Once it was passed around in a counter-clockwise direction and everyone was thoroughly stoned, Rian ate the hot pocket and recited the spell.

“Oh Great One, we are but humble mortals seeking your guidance. We have learned the ways of the wizard. Reveal yourself to us. Deliver unto us your power!” A small string of cheese hung out of Rian’s lip as he forcefully recited the enchantment. Soon after, a gust of wind came out of nowhere and blew out all of the candles and the small fire. Thick and overwhelming, a black smoke appeared in the middle of the circle, soon blown away by the wind. In its place stood none other than the Great One.

“…Shit. I think I did the wrong spell…” Rian held his head in embarrassment while the group stared at the figure in front of them. It was not Humble-Whore. No, it was a man far more powerful, wise, and great than him.

“Hello, my children,” boomed the man dressed in white, his voice able to soothe the minds of millions. “It seems that you need some help?”