Everyone Pretends They're Happy

Most people see me as the perfect girl. The one the boys want to take home to show off to their mothers. The one they all like to boast about to their friends. I’m looked at as the perfect daughter. I get good grades, I’m well mannered, I respect everyone equally. I have friends, but I’m not popular. I would hate that. My parents are still happily married, have been for twenty five years, so most teenagers at my school envy my home life. I have dreams of moving away from New York because its just too big for me.
People find my imagination crazy and interesting, I’m noticed because of how carefree yet down to earth I am. But what people don’t seem to realise is…I don’t want to be noticed so much. I don’t want to be looked upon as perfect. No one is perfect. Yes, they may seem it, but we all have our flaws.
I have many flaws. I’m irritable, snappy, have huge mood swings, I lie, and I cant commit myself to many things. There are so many more, but they are the few that make me far from perfect.
I don’t want to delve into my past, but the basic line of it is, I was hurt…just like every other teenage girl who thinks they’re in love. I gave him my trust, I gave him my heart, I basically gave him my whole life, but he still threw that away and hurt me anyway.
My parents and friends didn’t understand why I’d changed so much in the past year. I used to be so open and let anyone into my life. I used to smile everyday without realising it, laugh without needing anything to laugh at. But all that changed when the word love broke me. On the outside I was still the same old me, I smiled and laughed, talked to everyone the same, but on the inside, I’d changed. I’d learnt how to bottle up my feelings and hide how I felt about things. If I was upset, I wouldn’t show it. If I was close to tears, I would hide away.
After loving someone, like I did, then being hurt, like I was, you learn to keep your trust to yourself and your feelings away from everyone you know. I was just too scared of being hurt again, scared of loving again and scared of letting anyone else in. I was afraid the same thing would happen. I was never a fan of pain, I don’t think anyone is, really.
Pain breaks you down and makes you vulnerable. It makes you weak and open to more pain. I was like that, for a week or so. I was just about to let any other person back into my life, just to make me feel complete, happy and wanted. But that wasn’t the right way to go about things. So instead, I sucked up my pride and shrugged it off. Although the feeling of being hurt again never left, I tried to ignore what had happened.
That’s when the talks about me being perfect started. People had found out what had happened and were shocked at the fact I was able to move on and forget about it…or so they thought. People wanted my life and wanted to see the happy side to things like I did, but it was all just a sham. I wasn’t happy and perfect, I was miserable and heart broken. That was until I left New York and found him.
He tried so hard with me, and almost gave up. He wanted so desperately for me to let him in and open up to him, so he never stopped trying. Even at my worst moments he was still there, helping me through it. He took my pain away, my heartache, my trust issues and helped me move on. He helped me see the better things that I used to see. He made me happy again. And I didn’t think I could love him much more than I did.

***

‘‘Are you sure you want to move so far away?’’ My mom asked as I continued to pack my suitcase. I knew she was worried and concerned that I was making the wrong decision. I knew she was scared because she thought I was never going to come back home to her, but overall, I knew she was happy for me and wanted to let me leave no matter how hard she was trying to make me stay in New York.
‘‘I’m sure mom, I’ve been talking to a girl over in Tempe, she’s going to be in my art class. I’ll have at least one friend, I’ll be safe.’’ I told her, trying to reassure her that I wasn’t going to be alone in a new place.
‘‘I’m going to miss you.’’ She said as she walked over to me and wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me into a hug. I smiled and hugged her back. There was no one I’d been closer to, my mom was my everything, and she was the sole reason I’d passed up a chance to get out of New York sooner. My dad had to leave us on business trips for work and I hated her to be alone. My dad would call everyday, but it wasn’t the same not having him here. I knew my mom got lonely so I stayed in New York to keep her company.
When my dad told us the company he worked for was failing and he was being paid off from work, I knew I just had to get out of New York and let them handle the stressful situation. Without me there, they wouldn’t need as much money for bills since I wouldn’t be running up electricity and what not. I didn’t see this as being selfish, I just knew they’d cope better without me there.
‘‘We still have a week together, we can cram lots of stuff in before I leave.’’ I was trying my best to keep her happy and upbeat. I didn’t want the last week I spent with my mom to be a sad one. I didn’t know when I’d come back to New York. I wasn’t built for the city, I wanted something less dramatic. I wanted change and I wanted to leave.