This Love Was Accidental

I hesitated while walking towards the door. Everyone made a small path for me to slip through. I laid my hand on the golden doorknob that was dull from the lack of lighting.

I was nervous. I honestly didn’t know how to comfort him. Plus, Garrett and I weren’t the closest. We didn’t fight or anything, we just didn’t hang out a lot. We had only gone to the occasional horror movie that looked good, went out to eat when no on else was available, or just talked during school. It was rarely ever just us two together. Sure, we had known each other for quite a bit, but we never took the time to get to know each other really well.

“Garrett?” I whispered through the bathroom door. I was replied by something be slammed and his angry voice.

“What the fuck!? I said leave me alone! Are you all fucked in the brain or something!?”

I didn’t cringe, surprisingly. His voice sounded raw and hoarse, as if he’d been screaming for the past few hours. I ignored what he’d just yelled and asked through the door, “can I come in?” I heard him tap his foot against the cupboards, creating a hollow knocking noise. That was all the only sound that filled the house for a bit before I heard him sigh angrily. “No.”

I rolled my eyes and twisted the knob. I knew that it was locked, but have you ever known a remote was out of batteries, but you still tried to press the buttons? Same thing, except this was with a door.

“It’s locked,” Pat whispered to me. “I know!” I snapped back at him. He shrunk back and leaned his back into Jared. I looked at him apologetically. “Sorry Pat, I just…Garrett’s fucking stubborn, that’s all,” I apologized. Pat beamed at me and hugged me quickly before standing off to the side like everyone else. If only Garrett was that easy…

“Garrett, just open the goddamn door. Just me and you, I swear. I’ll even personally kick the other guys out of the house if you want me to,” I negotiated. “Jesus fuck! No!” He exclaimed while pounding God knows what. I easily lost my temper, and I was quite surprised that I was so patient with him this time. Usually, I would already be half way through my rampage.

“Garrett fucking Nickelsen! You listen, and you listen good. It’s fucking graduation and you’re making everyone here feel fucking horrible. Don’t, I repeat, don’t ruin this for us, and me. The people standing behind me are fucking concerned, and we’re just trying to help. We’re supposed to be celebrating, not acting depressed and shit! Get the fuck out of the bathroom Garrett, or I swear I will kick this goddamn door down just to get you out. I mean every fucking word Gary, and you know that, so don’t make me kick John’s fucking door down just to get your emo ass out here.”Well, so much for helping him…

I was fuming, and I was pretty sure that the reddening of my face could tell you that. I felt a little light headed from saying all that within two breathes. I tried not to pant, just to hear what that boy was doing in there. Silence, that was all. What passed through the door next made me stand there, shocked.

“Get your heart fucking broken, then I’ll talk to you.”

I could feel tears rushing to my eyes. I clenched my fists tightly, feeling my nails dig into my flesh, possibly cutting it and turning my knuckles white. I also began shaking, small tiny shivers that ran through my body. A hand laid on my shoulder, but I slapped it away and went back to staring at the door. Something in the back of my mind told me that if I stared for just a little longer, I would burn the wall down. Bullshit, I’m no Superman, but I did keep staring.

“Lily, he doesn’t know wh-“

“Shut up John, he knows,” I snapped. John just nodded solemnly and stepped back. I growled as I grasped the doorknob once more, shaking it senseless – if that was even possible. “Do you know what you just said Daniel?” I growled, using his middle name accidentally. It just…rolled off my tongue.

“You didn’t love him as much as I loved Rae!”

“Bullshit Garrett! I’m still not completely over him, and how long has it been Garrett? Tell me.”

A silence hung in the air once again, making everyone hold their breath and try to prevent blinking. I grew restless after a bit, so I asked him again. This time, I slammed the door with my fist. “Tell me Garrett. Just fucking tell me.”

The door swung open, revealing a red eyed Garrett. Trails left behind by tears were dragged down his face. His hair was messy, messier than usual at least. You could tell he had been pulling and ruffling it while he was in the washroom.

“A year! Okay? Are you fucking happy!?” His voice did not at all match his appearance. He looked like a train wreck, but how he was feeling; he was in fact feeling as powerful as a train wreck.
I didn’t even bother blocking the door to prevent him from closing it if he ever did. “I’m fucking giddy – what do think I feel?” I retorted, hearing my voice crack. He silently stood there, glaring at me. I shot daggers back. “I know I loved her more than you loved him.”

I brought my fist to his face, making a big smack sound as he stumbled back and into the counter. Before I could grab a hold of him again, I was pulled back. Everyone was restraining some part of me, preventing anymore damage done to Garrett’s face.

“Calm the fuck down!” Nick shouted as he struggled to get my attention away from the boy that was now rubbing his face and wincing.

“You don’t know shit on how much I loved him!” I cried, trying to pull my arm free. Garrett simply glanced up, and stood up straighter. “What if you just can’t let go? What if you’re just not good at letting go? Maybe, just maybe, you didn’t love him that much, but since he was your first boyfriend, you just can’t let go?”

I pulled free of everyone’s grasp with every ounce of anger I had. I leaped at Garrett, only being able to punch him in the shoulder before I was pulled back once again.

“Fuck you Garrett! Fuck you! I loved him, I truly loved him!” My shrieks and yelps continued on for a bit more while I struggled to free myself. I finally settled down, but my glares at Garrett hadn’t softened. “I loved him…” I whimpered. My lip trembled as tears kept pouring out of my eyes.

“How much?” he mumbled. I stood up straight as I could get in the human chains I was trapped in. My eyelids slowly drifted downwards as flashbacks flew through my mind. I swallowed hard; recalling old memories was hard…Remembering his face, and every detail that I had memorized was even harder…

“It wasn’t some teeny bopper love Garrett. It was actual love. My stomach wouldn’t just tie up in knots when he kissed me, it’d fucking tie so tightly that it would hurt sometimes. I also didn’t feel like it was just butterflies in my stomach. I would giggle sometimes ‘cause that butterfly feeling in my stomach got so extreme, and that was just from holding his goddamn hand. You know that little shock you get when you kissed Rae? It felt like a million bolts to me Garrett, but I kept my lips firmly pressed to his. Why? He was favourite pain. Sounds insane, but love isn’t easy. Love isn’t pain-free.”

I was now on my ass, my knees pulled up to my chest. By now, my makeup was probably all streaked down my face. I probably looked like a mess. I probably looked like Anthony had just told me our five year relationship was over. I looked up from the floor, and saw Garrett looking back at me with sympathetic eyes. “Stop Garrett!” I screeched. He stepped back slightly. “I don’t need you to pity me right now,” I growled. His face suddenly scrunched up in anger.

“Pity you?! Really? Fucking really Lilith?! I feel like we’re equals, but if you think about it, I should be the one breaking down. Not you” he snarled. I shot back up, shoving back everyone’s arms that tried to keep me under control. “Why!?” I questioned him.

“’Cause Lilith, you weren’t serious about that relationship until, what? Grade nine?” he spat. “Well you weren’t so serious either! You started dating her in grade eight Garrett. Didn’t you start taking it seriously in grade nine? Like me?” I shot back. He sighed angrily, knowing I had won this round. “How did he break up with you?” he suddenly asked. “W-w-what?” He shook his head disapprovingly. “You heard me. How?”

My eyes widened, my fist closed even tighter, and I was rigid.

“Oh my God, Lilith! Loosen you’re grip!” Halvo exclaimed, leaping over to me. He grabbed my hands and unclenched them. Small pieces of skin stuck upwards, revealing flesh and small amounts of blood pooling to the top. I swallowed – from the memories – not the pain of my hands.

“Do you really wanna know?” I asked, barely above a whisper. Everyone’s eyes travelled to me. I never told anyone how Anthony had ended it. I never told anyone about the ring, the necklace…I only told them that Anthony ended it. That was it. Now that I might spill what happened, everyone looked at me.
He nodded his head sternly, and I took in a lungful of air.

“I was over at his house, waiting for him to get out if the shower. Damn…I remember that night like it just happened,” I began slowly, “While waiting, I decided just to snoop around. I usually did that when I got bored at his house…I came across his sock drawer, where a little black box sat. I panicked, and picked it up. I crack it open, ever so slightly. I finally flipped the container all the way up. On the lid, it read ‘I love you…forever.” I was fucking happy at first! At that point, I was so in love with him, I would’ve said yes in a heartbeat – even if I was seventeen at the time. But I was looking at the ring, and the box. On the bottom of the box though…The name ‘Isabelle’ was written on it. As if on perfect timing, he walks in, and sees me with the ring.”

“L-L-Lily! I can explain!” he stuttered out. I stared at him in bewilderment. I stood up from my crouching position and stepped in front of him. He backed off slowly, keeping his eyes on me and the ring.

“What’s this?”

My words sounded small, weak. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he didn’t hear the at all, but he did.
At first, he just stared at me, wide eyes and all. Then, his face softened and he tried to look me in the eyes. I kept looking away though; I didn’t want to look into the eyes of lies, deceit, and dishonesty. He soon dragged me to his bed, making me sit lightly on his feather-like bed. If the situation was different, I probably would’ve allowed myself to be engulfed by his bed – but I didn’t.

“What the fuck is this?” I demanded. He gently took the ring from my hand and placed it in the palm of his hand. The small diamond in the center of the silver band shone brightly. It was so small…delicate even. But his hands closed, trapping the ring in his palm. I looked up to his face, trying to see why he had suddenly closed his palm.

“Who’s Isabelle?” I quietly asked. He sighed, shaking his head.

“I love her…” he stated simply, not even bothering to answer me. I was fine though, because those three words that had just left his mouth was another reason to make clawing his eyes out okay.
“So what? Am I just your fuck? Your temporary pleasure while she’s not by your fucking side?” I snapped. He shook his head, waving a balled up fist and free hand around. “I love you both,” he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Bullshit,” I growled. “It’s true!” he pleaded. I narrowed my eyes, making sure they would claw at his eyes if it was ever possible. “If you love us both, then I guess we both have rings?!” I shouted. He looked taken back, as if he never expected the question to come. Well, he should’ve seen it.

“I d-don’t, b-but I g-go-“ I snapped at him before he could finish. “You love her more don’t you!?” I said within gritted teeth. “No! I love you both equally,” he claimed. “Then where’s my ring?” I seethed. He looked at me helplessly, wishing for forgiveness.

“Do you love me enough to leave her?” I asked, hardly above a whisper. He stared at me, blank in the face. “Answer…” I muttered angrily. He was still frozen, shocked by what I had just asked.

“That’s like asking you to stop loving me,” he sighed. I leaned back, slightly shocked. I quickly recovered though. “Well I might just stop loving you,” I snarled. Those looks of forgiveness returned. I shook my head vigorously. If I gave in, I’d never escape, no matter how much pain.
I grabbed his hand forcefully, pulling open his hand. In the center of his palm was the ring that always seemed to sparkle and shine. Why couldn’t my life be like that?

“Me or her,” I bluntly said. “W-what?” he stuttered. I blinked back tears that had gathered at the rim of my eyes. “Me or her.” He let his eyes slowly close while bringing his hand up. He began rubbing his chin, a habit he had always had.
I crossed my fingers behind my back, hoping he’d choose me. Me…

“I’m sorry.”

I guess he didn’t love me as much as her. He barely hesitated there.

“Are you fucking happy?” I growled. Garrett just blankly stared at me. I suddenly felt eyes piercing at me from angle. I spun around, scowling at everyone. Everyone looked at me with…pity. I turned back at Garrett to see if he was responding. But no, he just looked at me with a blank face.

“Why aren’t you over him?” he suddenly asked. My hand immediately grasped the necklace around my neck. Everyone seemed to notice that simple movement. Curiosity danced in their eyes – with the exception of John, who had anger and confusion in his eyes.

My hand traced the crescent moon that cupped around the little star. Anthony’s words echoed through my head.

“You’ll always be my little star Lily, always” he whispered while slipping something ice cold into the palm of my hand.

“Because Garrett, he told me I would always be his little star. Always means forever, doesn’t it?”

“Lilith…” John began. Everyone turned their attention to him. “What else…happened?” I sighed, shaking my head at the memory.

“This necklace,” I started, while weaving the chain in between my fingers, “was given to me by Anthony. He gave it to me right after he chose her, but he said I was his little star and he gave me this.”

I jerked my hand back from his, and noticed the cold sensation beginning to warm up. I brought my hand close to my face and opened my hand. Sitting in the palm of my hand was a necklace. A crescent moon curved around a little star while they both glittered in gold. “My little star, always.” I shook my head and tossed the necklace back at him. He caught it with ease, with just a mere swipe of his hand.

“She’s supposed to be your little star, not me. You love her, not me.”

His head was shaking at a quick pace. “No! I love you, but I love you both! Don’t you get it?!” he exclaimed. “You can’t love two people Tony!” I snapped. He flinched, but quickly brought his hand over mine’s. I pulled my hand out from underneath his. “And by the way you chose her over me when you claimed to love us both equally,” I growled. “I can tell who the favourite is.” I stood up and strode over to the door. I was ready to pull the door open, before I was forcefully turned around. He grasped my shoulders tightly, possibly leaving some bruises. “Don’t g-go…yet,” he whispered. I shook my head and looked down at my hands. “We wouldn’t want your fiancé to-be walking in on us would we?” I snarled. I shrugged his hands off my shoulders and twisted around, throwing the door open. I didn’t casually walk away though. Instead, I took off running. I half tumbled down the stairs and out the door. I realized that John had driven me here earlier, and that if I called him now, it would take him at least fifteen minutes to make it here. Luckily, Garrett lived close by.

I started down the street, each step pounding in the cement. But a thudding was audible behind me, and it didn’t take a genius to figure who it was. I picked up my pace, creating pants that escaped from my lips. I was slow, or maybe he was fast; either way, he caught me.

I was pulled back by two arms that wrapped around my waist. “Fuck you! Let me go!” I cried. I was thrashing at him, trying to pry his hands off me, but I barely made blink. “Hear me out,” he whispered, brushing his lips against my ear. A familiar shiver tore through my body, making me calm down. I turned around, still in his arms. “What?” I mumbled. He chuckled softly, knowing that I was one step closer back into his arms. I wouldn’t allow myself though. I just wouldn’t.

“Take the necklace,” he whispered. “And wear it. You’ll probably never want to see me again, but wearing the necklace is good enough for me.” I looked up, and into his eyes. His eyebrows were turned downwards, and his lips in a small pout. We continued to gaze at each other like this until his raised one of his arms from my waist, putting the balled up fist facedown on my chest, just above my heart. “Just take it, please.” I could only nod.

“Is that why you came to my house crying?” Garrett asked, just below a whisper. The silence made his whisper sound like a scream. I meekly nodded, exactly like I had that night when I agreed to wear that necklace. We made eye contact for a bit, before he finally nodded and left the washroom. He pushed passed everyone and up the stairs. I closed my eyes, preventing any tears from escaping my eyes.

Today’s your grad, don’t ruin this for everyone. Don’t be a hypocrite, I thought to myself. I mustered up all I had and opened my eyes. Everyone’s eyes were on me, making me shift uncomfortably. I knew what they all were thinking.

Poor girl, having to find out like that.
I hope she gets over him.
Maybe I should I help her out for the next while.
Wow, that must’ve been rough.

I didn’t want anyone pitying me – at all. I pulled on a fake smile, forming an annoying ache in my jaw. “Don’t look at me like that,” I began. “None of that was true anyways.” I added a small laugh at the end to try and make it sound more real. Everyone stared wide eyed at me.

“Y-you mean that wasn’t true?” Jared stuttered out. I chuckled at his reaction. “Yup,” I simply answered. “Half of us were gonna start bawling!” Pat whined, playfully punching me. “I wasn’t, ‘cause I’m manly!” Kennedy joked, trying to shove that suffocating air that was just present. “Oh yeah right! I saw you look at me during her story. With your teary and red eyes,” Nick laughed.

We all laughed, feeling that tense air fly off and away. “Hey, you guys ready?” Andrew asked. Everyone nodded and mumbled a ‘yes’ while I told that I’d be with them in a bit. I slipped into the washroom, tightly closing the door behind me. I could feel sobs trying to crawl out of my mouth, but I shoved them back down. I stepped over to the sink and rested my hands against the edge of the counter. I looked up into the mirror, seeing a heartbroken girl that had re-emerged. I had tried so many times to kick her down and keep her that way, but she would always pop up occasionally.

I wish that she would die. I wish that heartbroken girl would choke on all her sorrow and just die already. But she couldn’t, she wouldn’t, because if she did…

I would be missing a bigger part of me…