Well Thought Out Twinkles

Jacob is the most beautiful baby I've ever laid eyes on. He had a head full of Ville's brown hair and he had my blue eyes.

I watched him move around then finally settle into a position he liked.

It's all I want underneath the cyanide sun.

--

"We start doing tours next year." Ville said before taking a draw of his cigarette.

My heart sank into the pit of my stomach. It's only a few days after Christmas. Next year isn't far away.

Tears fell down my cheeks, I stormed into my bedroom. Ville chased after me.

"Alice! Stop!" He said, his large hands wrapped around my skinny arms and stopped me from running any further.

I stopped and looked at him. In all my messy glory I stood before him. My hair fell around me in small waves, my eyes were red from crying and my face was wet with tears.

"Stop crying." He said then put his hands on either side of my face and wiped the tears with his thumbs.

"Give me a good reason."

"It won't help anything, or make it any easier." He tried his best to calm me down. He was on the verge of tears himself.

I sighed, "If it means I can't see you then I don't want that baby."

Ville let go of me. He sighed.

"Ape said she'd keep him while we're in the states and you can bring him on tour with us." He offered. I shook my head violently.

"No. A tour bus is no place for a baby!" I yelled then turned my back to him.

How many times have you wanted to die?

"Well, we'll take him to West Chester." He pleaded.

"Fine." I said then laid down in the bed and wrapped the blanket around me. This isn't normal. I should want to live, I should want to be with him. I love the way he moves, breathes, touches, sounds and smells. But I don't want to be with him.

I don't even want to hold my baby.

--

I closed the bedroom door only to hear a wailing scream from Jacob's room. I groaned and went to change, feed or just hold him. Whatever he wanted.

Alice has been weird since Jacob was born. She won't hardly touch him, she just watches him. Now she said she wishes he wasn't born.

Ali walked into the room, "It's postpartum depression." She sighed and began folding the wadded up baby clothes that lay in the over stuffed chair.

Jacob's room was painted light yellow. Alice bought a huge white chair to sit in the corner and bought white furniture.

The room was quaint to say the least.

It crushed me to see her hurting and it hurt me even worse that she pushed everyone away. Ali put the folded clothes in the corner and I gently rocked Jacob. His eyes closed and I could've swore I was holding a doll.

"I know what to do." Ali said.

Stay away from me.