Well Thought Out Twinkles

I woke with Ville's arm swung over my waist and his light snoring in my ear. He wakes me up most nights, just like this. I nudged him and he stopped snoring. Like most times.

I pushed his arm off me, got up and staggered onto the balcony. I sat on the railing with my back against the wall. I picked up Ville's cigarettes, pulled one out and lit it with his lighter.

I'm not much of a smoker. I don't inhale, so I never got addicted. I always thought of it as a sort of catalyst. To clear or cover my weary mind in a haze of nicotine, tar and smoke.

It's hard thinking about having to take care of Jacob on my own. I remember how we picked out the name.

"Jacob was bought his brothers birthright for a bowl of soup, deceived his father and then became on of the a patriarch in the bible." Ville argued, the smile on his face said it was only playful.

"Well that means that he'll persevere. Jacob is also faithless minister who regains his faith to fight an army of vampires too! You know, from dusk 'til dawn." I said then gave him a funny look.

He wrapped his arms around me and smiled, "Jacob it is."

You're what keeps me believein' this world's not gone dead.

I think this is the one of the hardest things I've gone. So I'll just put on my big girl panties and deal with it. This is no time for weakness.

--

Watching him fade into distance I wanted to jump out of the cab and run back to him. Just to hug him, kiss him, anything one more time. But I didn't. Bam found Ville a rehab in Pittsburgh. So I can go see him on weekends and on visiting days. I planned on staying with mom and Bam but I rented an apartment instead.

I pulled Jacob's blanket up around his small head. He's started smiling this precious smile. His smile is identical to Ville, except instead of teeth you see gums.

If I had a clue, I'd know exactly what to do.

So for now, I'm going to be strong and we'll see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully better days and an joy is insight for tomorrow.