My Heart Is Yours

Wednesday’s pov

This wasn’t something that I wanted to have to do. I would have much rather just ignored everything that had happened yesterday and live life with Alex. But the problem with that was the fact that I couldn’t handle the guilt of not being in love with him. Once again, I loved him, but I didn’t love him. And I knew that I wouldn’t be able to live with the fact that I didn’t love him. It just wasn’t the same… Especially since I loved Max. There was no getting past that fact now. At all.

He looked at me like he knew what it was that I was doing. He stopped unpacking his things, turning to watch as I hung my head, swallowed that ball of nerves in my throat and went to go sit on the edge of the bed. I had my hands in my lap and I was trying to stare at them through the tears. I’d practiced this earlier today, before he came home. I knew what I wanted to say to him, what I had to say to him. But the problem with that was the fact that now he was here in front of me and I was actually going to have to break him.

I prayed that I wasn’t going to hurt him too bad with this…

He moved to sit next to me and I bit down on the inside of my cheek to try and keep everything down. The last thing I wanted was to completely word vomit all over the place and have everything come out the wrong way…

Ugh. I was thinking too much…

“What’s up?” he asked me. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and I had to fight pushing him away completely.

“Alex…I…I’m so sorry…” I muttered.

“I…understand…” I looked up at him, unshed tears kind of blurring my vision at this point as I saw him looking at me with a mixture of disappointment and…something else that I couldn’t name. I sighed and looked away, too much of a coward to be able to say this to his face…

“I can’t…Alex, I love you. But not the way that you deserve from your girlfriend. I just…God…” I sighed, burrowing my face into my hands and trying my hardest not to break down in a fit of tears. I had to do this. And it was now or never, literally. “Lily’s dad was in town yesterday…” I felt him tense at that and I felt absolutely dreadful. “He…came over and I just…Alex, I’m so sorry…” Well, there went not crying my damn eyes out…

“You still love him, don’t you?” he asked and I sighed, nodding and curling in on myself. I wanted him to get as far away from me as possible. I wanted him to hate me. But I knew Alex and I knew that wasn’t going to happen. But all the same, that is what I wanted. I didn’t deserve his comfort. He rubbed small circles on my back as I shook and cried into my hands. I hated myself.

“I should have…never, ever agreed. I’m…so sorry…” I cried, all the while he sat there comforting me. Yeah. I was a terrible fucking person.

“No, it’s not your fault, Wednesday. I kind of pushed you into the whole thing…”

“But I agreed! I shouldn’t have…”

“No, you shouldn’t have. But that doesn’t change the way that things happened.” Why was he being so calm about this whole thing? If I were him, I’d be pissed. I’d hate me. But, again, that wasn’t in Alex’s nature to hate anyone. Ever. No matter how bad they fucked him up or deserved his hate…

Instead of shoving me away, he pulled me to sit up and wrapped his arms around me to hold me to his chest while I cried. I should have just pushed him away. It would have been easier on both of us. But I didn’t have the strength or will right now to do that. “Shhh… It’s okay, Wednesday. Relax,” he cooed in my ear. Which didn’t help anything.

I shook my head, frowning and trying to clam down enough. I didn’t want to go hysteric again. “No, it’s not, Alex! It’s not okay because I’m a terrible person and you should hate me!”

“Wednesday, I could never hate you. I just…I really don’t want to see you hurt again,” he said, hugging me tighter. He was too sweet… “And I would like to think that you didn’t do this just for the hell of it…” At that suggestion, I shook my head, pulling away and looking at him quietly. He looked sad, but he had a smile on his face. A sad smile… He reached up and wiped the tears from my cheeks, still smiling sadly at me. I think he was trying to reassure me that he was alright or something. Pretty sure it’s a man thing to do that…

I sighed and took a deep breath to try and calm down. It…kind of worked. It didn’t really help the guilt that I was feeling, but oh well… not much I could do to stop that…

“What are you going to do?” he asked, furrowing his brow at me. Oh wow. I hadn’t even really thought about that other than the fact that I wanted to be with Max. Correction on that statement. I needed to be with Max. I bit down on my lower lip and turned my gaze back to my lap.

“I don’t know… I need to talk to Craig about it…”

“Are you going to move back to Vegas?” he asked and I just nodded, I didn’t know what else to say to that.

“Look, Wednesday. I know this is going to sound cliché of me, but you will always have a place in Tallahassee with me…” I sighed and nodded. He pulled me into his chest again and rocked me back and forth quietly.

“I know…”

“And I swear to god, if you don’t call me I’m going to freaking kill you.” I managed to let out a choked laughter at that. I was glad that he didn’t hate me. Even if I did deserve it to the fullest extents… “Good. You’re laughing. No hard feelings, alright? I…kind of always knew that I came second to whoever the hell this kid is.”

“Max…” I muttered, feeling guilt wash over me yet again even if he didn’t hold anything against me. Again, he definitely should be… But putting a name to the featureless, nameless blob that I made Max made me feel almost better. I felt the butterflies in my stomach all over again and I prayed that he wouldn’t hate me for what I had told him last night…

God, if he hated me, I might just die… Mentally, anyway. Because I still had Lily to take care of.

Oh god, Lily…

“Hmph. Well then.” I smirked at that, rolling my eyes at Alex’s taking of knowing Max’s name. “Do you mind if I ask you something, though?” I nodded quietly, prodding him to continue. I wondered what it was going to be… “Why didn’t you have Lily’s last name be Lee like yours?” Ah…that question.

That was something that I’d had to explain to Craig. And would have to explain to Max here soon… Because I still hadn’t told him the full name of his daughter…

“I didn’t want her to be ‘Lily Lee.’ It’s almost a tongue twister and I…I don’t know…” I sighed, shrugging and pulling away from Alex quietly. I wiped at my cheeks again, getting rid of the few tears that were still straying their way down my cheeks.

He smirked and pulled me towards him, kissing my forehead for a prolonged moment before he pulled away.

“You should call Craig. I’m gonna go see if I can stay at Derek’s for a few days…” My head shot up at that. This was Alex’s home and had been for the last few years. He shouldn’t have to leave just because I’d broken up with him. Hell, I was hoping that I’d be leaving soon myself…

“Alex, you don’t have to go…”

“Yes, I do. I’ll pack my things for a few days and…and when you’re gone…well, I need to find my own place, anyway…”

I sighed, not exactly wanting to have him leave me. Mostly because I was a selfish person that absolutely hated being alone. I know it was terrible of me… but that was how I worked. I sighed and nodded. It was probably for the best that he wasn’t around all the time. It would be easier on Lily when we did leave.

Speaking of leaving, I really did need to call Craig now…

Alex smiled and kissed my forehead again, lingering for a few moments before he walked away and out to the living room, leaving me to the silence of the room. Groaning, I lay back on the bed and pulled my phone from my pocket. I was such a terrible person…

I dialed up Craig and smiled as he answered.

“Wendy? Hey! What’s up? Is everything okay? I’m sorry about what Max did…he’s…definitely sorry about the whole thing.”

“Craig, you talk too much.”

“Yeah, well. What do you need, pretty lady?” I sighed at his questioning, nervous as all hell about the whole thing.

“Um…I broke things off with Alex…”

“…Seriously? Why?”

“Because I need Max…” For how wrong it was that I had been with Alex, it felt so good to say that out loud.

“I knew you didn’t mean what you said last night. So what’s the plan?” I didn’t really know if what I was thinking was going to work out. Might as well just propose it and pray that it would work, right?