Was I The Only One?

When I stepped into my room, the tears came again. I was still broken but the wounds felt as if salt had been thrown into them when I saw my bedroom.

I stood in the door way. I just looked at my room, imaging, remembering… I could vividly see where Joe would usually be sat, cross legged on the edge of my bed with a bowl of cereal watching TV in his navy plaid pyjama bottoms and a black vest. A sob shook my body as I stepped further in only to be bombarded with all of the pictures of the two of us together, even pictures without him in reminded me of him.

I began to pluck them from the walls all around my room and from my large collage of pictures of my friends and me. Each picture was like an electric shock through my fingers, a stab of pain, or a blow to my lungs almost knocking the breath out of me. I piled all of the photographs into a shoebox and shoved them all deep under my bed. Even as I looked at my bed more tears came, memories and images of us cuddling and being close to each other came back to me.

With a large sigh, I slipped my feet from my shoes, pulled back the duvet of my bed and crawled into it. I pressed the button on my room remote and closed the curtains, enclosing me into complete blackout darkness. I felt better knowing that it was too dark for people to see me cry, so I just cried myself to sleep.

But I couldn’t even escape him in my dreams. He was always there, from the second I closed my eyes, to when I was in a deep state of unconsciousness to when I woke up. It was making me even more exhausted. I needed to sleep but I thought of him less when I was awake, but when I was awake I was just sad all the time. I couldn’t escape from him.

My mom wasn’t even around much either, though she wanted to be with me she still worked for them and had to return to finish off the 3 more tour dates. Even that made me sad; the fact my mom was with him and I wasn’t; and she wasn’t here to make me pancakes or any other type of food.

Hearing my stomach, I decided I should just go and eat a banana or something easy. I rolled out of bed, cringing at how cold it was in comparison to my warm bed so I dragged my duvet with me and wrapped it around my body. Groggily, I slipped my feet into some slippers and sighed.

I didn’t fail to notice that the spaces all around the house where pictures of Joe and pictures that included Joe were had been replaced with empty square shapes that were a shade clearer than the cream that had surrounded it for so long. She’d left the house so tidy that it didn’t hold any homing feel to it, so when I made myself a cup of coffee I left everything I got out of the cupboards around the kitchen in an organised mess. I even purposefully sprinkled some sugar on the counter to make it even more messy and comfortable to be around.

Being in that sort of a mood, I ditched the banana and grabbed the better option of Ben and Jerry’s from the freezer with a large spoon. I shuffled into the living room carefully balancing my duvet, ice cream and coffee as I walked.

Once I’d settled down with the Harry Potter films I noticed that my mom had left my laptop on the arm of the sofa, it was in the direct corner of my eye. The shiny white body of it was a major distraction and I had such an urge to go online and read everything and anything I could. Plus I was having with drawl symptoms from Twitter.

After a bit of thought, I put my coffee cup and ice cream on the table in front of me and reached to grab a hold of my lovely yet haunting apple laptop. Just as my finger tips touched the laptop the house phone let out a shrill ring, making my heart almost jump out of my mouth from fright.

I speedily unwrapped myself from my cocoon and grabbed it from its stand across the room, on the caller ID it read ‘Emma’ so I just cancelled the call. I really didn’t want to talk to anyone, I wanted to be alone with Harry Potter and maybe Jim Carey… no, not him, he’s Joe’s favourite actor. Ryan Reynolds would have to be the substitute comedic actor for my alone movie session.

Now I’d started to cry again, thanks Jim Carey.

All of a sudden, my doorbell rang. I groaned and trudged towards it, my feet making the laminate flooring creak. I looked through the peep hole and smiled a genuinely happy smile, with a great pull I swung the door open.

“I don’t know where to hide the body.” Taylor said simply holding up a picture of Joe with the face scribbled out with black marker.

She wrapped her lanky arms around me in a loving hug, then I stepped out the way and let her in. “Thanks for coming.”

Taylor smiled at me and took off her long trench coat to reveal her pyjamas, inside her large hand bag she had numerous bags of sweets and 2 cans of whipped cream and monopoly.

She strolled into my living room, paused Harry Potter and then tossed the remote gracefully onto the sofa. Then, she pushed the table to one side clearing a space on the floor where she began to set up monopoly whilst I just stood and watched her quite fascinated with her lean grace.

“It’s time for us to diverge ourselves in an imaginary retail paradise, now, I’m guessing you’re wanting to become a silver boot?” She grinned.

And just like that, Taylor Swift had made me forget about Joe Jonas.

We played monopoly until we got bored of it, then we put on a Beyonce CD and danced around my living room with sunglasses on and hair brushes as microphones. Though Joe was never off of my mind, during those few hours he wasn’t at the forefront of it and even that little bit of release made me slightly happier.

But then, Taylor had to leave. Being the superstar she is, I’d had as much time with her as possible and now she had to rush off to a fashion show. The thought of being alone again was haunting my mind when she began to pack everything away.

“I don’t want to leave you alone.” She pouted, “So, I want you to come with me. You can borrow one of my dresses, and my make up and hair artists can glam you up.”

I pondered the thought of being photographed in a state than to being alone and an even worse state, I went for the photographers.

Maybe it wasn’t my best idea in the world, I’ll admit that. Only two days after breaking up with my boyfriend, I was heading out in public with his very famous ex-girlfriend and to a place where I had no business being. But I knew I couldn’t survive in this house filled with memories alone, it was so difficult when I’m awake and I wasn’t even tired.

The only thing stopping me from going out was Joe’s feelings. So I didn’t.

I stayed inside this house filled with torturous memories. I wandered around it, just thinking about how stupid I was forcing myself to stay in this house because of Joe’s feelings. He didn’t think about my feelings when he cheated on me yet I’m still desperately trying to protect him.

To be honest, I was far from even a though of being close to over Joseph Adam Jonas. He still embodied all of my thoughts, even the ones that weren’t supposed to be about him ended up in some way, shape or form linking to him. I was beginning to regret making my life revolve around him so much, if I’d have just taken time away from him then this whole thing wouldn’t be so hard on me. I would have other people in my life than the Jonas family and the others who know them and I could turn to them, but even being with Taylor reminded me of Joe.

I managed to sleep, only to be struck with dreams of a peaceful reconnection with Joe.