Fault

“They don’t get it; they never will.” Her soft voice was already fading.

“Then make them understand.” I tried desperately. Her eyes gazed into mine and I saw something there; something I had never seen before. “You don’t get it.” She whispered. I shook my head quickly as my vision blurred.

“Tell the truth; what do you think about the people in this room?”

I could have said no. I could have walked away from it all. I could have stayed sober. I could have lied. But right now, in this moment, I knew it wouldn’t have been a lie.

“That’s not a dare, idiot.”

Because now I saw the truth, “I do! I do!” Grabbing her hand, I tried to make it all stop. Tried to make it all go away. Tried to wake myself up. This was a nightmare.

“Fine. Then I dare you to tell us, truthfully, what you think of everyone here in this room.”

Through my blurring vision I thought I saw the ghost of her smile but later I was almost certain I had been mistaken.

“You think you do.” She whispered quietly but fiercely her words painted with anger and maybe even pain. I shook my head again, “I do get it. I do understand. I was lying before.”

“Fine; I’ll do it.”

“No, it was the truth…and you know it…” Her voice was fading. Soon it would be nothing. Nonexistent.

I gripped her hand tighter and looked her straight in the eyes, “Maybe it was the truth then. But now…now it’s not. I know it’s not. I understand now. If I was ever told to repeat those words, they would be lies. All of them. I swear they would. Please believe me.”

“Her? That’s easy. An obsessed freak of a weirdo. Go kill yourself, hun. Bang bang.”

“Say what you want but I know I was wrong. Why did you ever even listen to me?”

“Because I had to.”

“No! You didn’t have to and you know it! What about those…those chemical guys you’re always talking about? You said they saved you. So why not now? Why not again; this time?” I spoke quickly as if every word would heal her. As if every word would save her and every pause would kill her. And in the back of my head, I knew that that could very well be the truth.

I heard the beeping of her heart machine in the background coming slower and slower and the sound of it made me want to collapse.

“Not this again. Just shut up about your little freak show already!”

“You told me yourself…that…that they don’t matter…So why let them save me again?” I froze with realization. It was my fault. All of this. Everything that had happened was my entire fault. Sure the others had teased her but I was the worst. I made her life hell and I had done it every day and never stopped or gave her a break.

Her heart pumping slower; my fault. The cuts on her arms; my fault. All the blood she had spilled from her own body; my fault. Her lying in front of me in the hospital bed; my fault. Your fault. That’s all I could get my mind to think. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. I wasn’t sure if I could ever stop that one thought from running through my head. The guilt would always be there for the rest of my life. I was never going to live this down.

“Get me a glass of water.” She said hoarsely, her eyes closing.

Beeeeeeeeeep…..

Gone. Gone because of a dumb dare. Gone. Because of me. Dead.