You Just Never Know

I just stare at Billie Joe. I mean, what am I supposed to say? My mouth hangs slightly open and I don’t know if it’s in shock or because I’m trying to speak. My head swings from side to side as I shake it in disbelief. He didn’t just say that. Here I am, 16 years old and speechless for the very first time in my life.

“Mikey;” Billie Joe says to me touching my cheek with his fingertips. I jerk away from his touch almost throwing myself backwards. I don’t know exactly why I reacted like that. It just happened. It hurt him though. A lot. He looks at me with big, sad eyes. His bottom lip is trembling a little like he’s about to cry. Please don’t cry Billie. Please don’t.

Still I have no idea what to say. How should I react? I don’t know. I just don’t know. He wants me to say something. Anything. I can see it in his eyes. Anything at all would be better than the silence. Why can’t I just speak? Just say something. I wanna tell him it’s ok. Because it is. But I can’t. I think I’m gonna be sick. Just wanna run away.

“Mikey, did you here me?” he questions looking at me. He seems so vulnerable, like he would break if I let him down. I think that’s because he’s shorter than I am, and just tinier overall. Maybe that’s why I always feel like I have to take care of him and make sure he’s ok.

“Yeah,” I mumbled so quietly it can barley be heard.

“I just told you that I think I’m bisexual, aren’t you gonna say anything?” he asks reaching for me once again. This time I don’t move away and he places a shaking hand on my shoulder. I lay my hand on top of his smiling encouraging. He gives me a weak smile in return.

“It’s, well, ok. I don’t mind. You’re still my friend. It doesn’t change anything,” I babble looking at him nervously. “I appreciate that you told me ‘cuz we don’t keep secrets from each other do we?”

He look at me for a long time and I can’t help but feeling a little uncomfortable. Does he think I lied? That I not actually accept it? What if he thinks that I’ll hate him now? He can’t believe that. Can he?

“Of course I told you. I kinda had to, you would have figured it out eventually,” he says giving me a wry smile.

“Well, it’s not completely out of the blue but, I don’t know. You could’ve kept it secret for a very long time if you’d wanted to,” I respond. He smiles warmly at me now.

“But I wanted to tell you ‘cause you mean everything to me. And admit that you would’ve been angry if I hadn’t told ya and you’d found out another way,” he tells me.

We just sit still for a few minutes. Not stirring, not speaking. It’s kinda nice actually. Bill is the only person I can do this with. It feels so awkward with other people when it’s silent. Even with my family. And I don’t like it when people sit or stand too close, but with Billie Joe things are different. I’m also okay with him touching me, like hugging me or putting an arm around my shoulders. I usually just hate it when people do that. I’m not that much for physical contact. For some reason I don’t feel like I’ve to push him away when he does it though. I guess that will change from now on. Now I don’t know what his intentions are when he does those things, and I don’t want him to think that I like him in that way. What a mess. I did say that it wouldn’t change anything. Well, I might have been wrong about that.

As I try to figure out how I should act an emotional Billie interrupts me. All of a sudden he throws his arms around my neck hugging me tightly.

“I love you Mikey,” he murmurs against my neck. “You’re the best”

I wait a few seconds for him to end the sentence with ‘best friend ever’ or something like that. It never comes though. For the first time since I got to know him I want to get away from him. I can’t help but thinking about what would happen if he fell in love with me. It’s just impossible for me to act like everything’s normal when it’s not.

All the times he has touched me hugged me or just been sitting or standing close to me flashes back into my mind. Was it only because he was being friendly? Was it something else? Something more?

I can’t take it anymore so for the first time ever I push him away. I scramble to my feet and walk out of reach. He looks at me with those eyes of his. Those sad, so sad, beautiful eyes.

“Bill, I can’t do this. I mean things can’t be like they’ve always been,” I start trying to organize my thoughts. It’s damn hard when he keeps looking at me like his heart is going to break though.

“I know I said that this wouldn’t change anything but, but. I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t want to be your friend. Your friend, Billie Joe.”

I sigh and sink down on the floor pulling my knees up to my jaw, grabbing my hair with my both hands. I feel like I’m going crazy.

“I’ve been waiting for a reaction from you,” Billie Joe said simply.

I look at him. He doesn’t look sad anymore. He looks rather relived. Like he’d expected much worse. I let my head fall and hang it down in misery. What, isn’t this bad enough? My mind is messed up as hell, I’m hurting him, rejecting him and he’s relived?! Ok, now I’m being stupid but he could at least. I don’t know. Seems like I know nothing today. I just want it all to be like it used to be. I don’t like changes.

“I knew you were too shocked to react at first. I knew it would take some time,” he says as he gets up from where he was sitting and walks over to me. He kneels down in front of me and lifts my up head by placing his hands on my cheeks. I would rather look at the floor, the walls, my feet. Anywhere would be fine. Anywhere but his eyes.

Maybe he wants to mess our relationship up even more because he’s face is so close to mine. Too close if you ask me. He places a soft kiss on my forehead and my jaw drops. What the hell?!

“Don’t worry Mikey, I’ll make everything ok. I won’t lose you. I’ll never lose you my sweet Mikey,” he breathes against my skin, his lips still brushing against my forehead.

He doesn’t want me to leave? Well, Billie Joe, great way of showing it!

He shouldn’t have kissed me. He shouldn’t have said those things. It made me panic. I pushed him away for the second time this day and jumped to my feet. When I started to run I could hear him screaming after me. Screaming my name. But I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to hear. Didn’t want to hear the sound of his heart breaking. All he needed was for me to be there for him. And what did I do? Yes, the best friend ever, Mike fucking Dirnt, ran away. What a great fucking friend I am.

***

He actually fled. I didn’t think he would do that. That he would be upset? Yes, I had counted on it. Confused, shocked? Yes, that too. But not unable to deal with it. Mike doesn’t always deal with everything however. It happens that he chouses to ignore some things hoping that it will go away, but of course it won’t and he knows it.

I didn’t think he would pretend that this never happened, I really didn’t. Finally I had worked up the courage to tell him that I’m bi and he just. Just. React like that. React like. Like Mike. How stupid of me. I should have known that he was going to run like that. That’s always been his solution when he doesn’t know what to do. Maybe I should go find him? Nah, he comes around eventually. He got to. He has no other place to go. What am I going to say when he comes back? Shit. If I do it wrong he might end up running again. Guess it’s not a good idea hugging him. Not to mention kissing him. I’ll go insane if I’ll have to keep away from him though.

My friend. He said he still wanted to be my friend. That’s all we’ll ever be. Best friends, yes, but still nothing more than friends. I can’t tell him that I like him. Like him as more than a friend. He said that we don’t keep secrets from each other. But, what would he do if I told him that I think I’m bi because I’m falling in love with him? I mean, what the fuck! Then he would look at me like that again. Shocked. He’ll move away from me whenever I get close. I can’t stand that look on his face. The confused and hunted look. I could see that he wanted to get away. Away from me, from what I am. I make him sick. Fuck, I know I make my best friend sick. I’m sure he stopped somewhere down the street to throw up.

This must be one of the worst feelings in the whole world. Damn him for being straight. Damn him for not being mine. Damn him for being so goddamn perfect! Damn me for fucking falling in love with him! Wait a sec, love? Do I love him? Damn it all to hell! I hate this, hate it, hate it, hate it!

I need to calm down or I’ll be all high-strung when he does come back. The only thing that helps right now is to play some on good old Blue. Or there are actually two things that help when I get like this, but the second happen to be on the run right now.

I get my guitar and sink down on my bed once again. I try to focus on playing but I keep hitting the wrong chord all the time or simply just forget to play at all. The only thing I can think about is Mike. Mike, my Mikey. I really must be in love with him. I hate it but I can’t help it. He’s just so wonderful and so perfect. I know I believe in that nobody’s perfect but well. He actually is perfection. So since I can’t play at the moment and since Mike is all that’s on my mind right now I tried to write a song about him. My first attempt turned out to be crap. It was far too sissy. The second wasn’t good either; it was more like a ‘fuck it all’ sort of lyric. I did one I kept however. If he ever finds it, if anyone ever finds it, well, let’s just say that no one could figure out that it’s a love song about my Mikey. I think ‘Don’t Leave Me’ will make a good title.

He’s not back yet, and I said that I would never lose him. I’ve said loads of things. Like I’ll go for miles till I’ll find him. That I’ll never leave him, always be there, do anything for him. And, of course, the classical ‘if you jump, I jump’.

Usually it turns out like this when we have a fight or whatever. He runs and eventually I go look for him if he’s not back after a while. Sometimes I find him sometimes I just go home and sit and wait on his bed for him to return.