You Just Never Know

***

“Yes you did, you moaned my name!” I giggle and my smile grows even bigger. Mike just stares at me with a dumb expression on his face.

“No,” he repeats and moves his hands away from me, simply letting them fall down onto the bed.

“Yes!” I exclaim happily. “Yes, yes, yes, oh yes, oh God yes!” I continue as my happy outcry turns into something that’s supposed to sound like moaning. Mostly it sounds stupid but it makes Mike blush none the less. I grin madly at him and he gives me a small amused, but embarrassed, smile.

“I didn’t say,” he starts then he licks his lips nervously before he continues, “Say anything like that, did I?”

“Aww, Mikey! You’re so cute when you’re all embarrassed. I love it when you blush!” I tell him with a caressing voice. Not too big of a surprise his cheeks turn red again.

“Did I?” he asks with a small voice as he fiddles with the duvet pretending that it’s far more interesting than my answer.

“No,” I assure him and a can see how much he relaxes. “But you did moan my name.”

“You kissed me,” he contradicts in a businesslike tone of voice. I guess he’s trying to say that he moaned but I kissed him, so it kinda makes us even.

“What can I say?” I giggle and man it sounds so, I don’t know, sissy. “You’re neck is tasty.”

“I wasn’t talking ‘bout that,” he says shaking his head. “I meant before, when you were pissed off. You kissed me. Why?”

I stop acting silly and just stare at him dumbfounded. Right, what the hell am I supposed to say? I did it because I’ve wanted it for so long and something snapped in my brain? That it was because he’s so fucking hot? Or should I maybe say that I did it ‘cause I’m fuckin’ in love with him? Oh, so many good choices which one should I pick? Well, let me think! None of the above maybe? Fuck.

“Was it ‘cuz you wanted to mess with my head?” he asks but I know that I won’t have to answer his question ‘cause he’s already thought of an answer. And as expected he continues.

“Did you do it ‘cuz you noticed how I reacted when you kissed my forehead? It was some kind of pay back, wasn’t it?” Mike rambles. He keeps fiddling nervously with the duvet and now he let his eyes dart around randomly.

“Yeah. Yeah it was,” I say as a plan slowly takes shape. “I wanted to confuse you. And, I don’t know, make you feel bad I guess.”

“Ok, thought so,” he simply says and I can’t believe that he went for it. It was obvious that I lied. I thought Mike knew me better then I do, but maybe he doesn’t. Well, of course I wasn’t exactly lying ‘cause those things had been my intention too but it wasn’t the main reason. So perhaps that’s why I was able to fool him.

“Ok,” I say for no reason really and shrug my shoulders.

“And why did you kiss my neck?” he demands to know.

“I’ve already answered that,” I say sounding somewhat irritated.

Please shut up Mike before you get close to the truth. I don’t want you to know, and trust me, you wouldn’t want to know!

“That doesn’t count. It wasn’t a real explanation,” he states stubbornly. He looks me in the eyes and I can tell immediately that he’s not giving this one up. Not without a fight.

“Well, um, after I’d kissed you I ran to my room, as you know and, um, I kinda, well I sorta might have, you know,” I mumble knowing that I’m not making any sense but this is hard dammit. Why? Because this time I’m gonna be honest about the reason. Mostly anyway.

“You what? Go on!” he urges and I try to organize my thoughts.

“I-I was all angry, um, but it was a good kiss and I, um, thought about it and I accidentally said you name and it, it sounded like, or I mean I did actually, but not on purpose!” I stutter and he places his hand on mine and then entwines our fingers as he smiles comfortingly at me.

“Yes?” he says patiently waiting for me to get to the point. I shift nervously and run my tongue over my lips I few times before I can proceed.

“I moaned you name. But it wasn’t on purpose I swear! So, so therefore I wanted to see if I could get you to moan mine. ‘Cause then, then, um, then,” I trail of lowering my gaze as I fiddle with his fingers like it claims all my concentration.

“Then it would be ok that you’ve done it? If I did it too?” Mike finishes for me and I smile relived at him.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I nod feeling very awkward and rather stupid.

“You know, you’re just too cute,” Mike smiles.

“No I’m horrible,” I mutter. ‘Cause I truly am, aren’t I?

“No you’re not, you’re perfect,” he tells me with a soft voice. He’s just saying that. We both know that I’m not. I was awful towards him and still he’s so incredibly sweet. He’s the one who’s perfect.

“I’m not perfect. I’ve been mean to you loads of times. But I never meant to does those things to you. I never meant to hurt you, I’m so sorry and I wish I could take it all away. Take away all the pain I’ve put you through. I’ll try to change starting from now. I’m still learning Mike. How to be, how to act and most importantly how to treat you. I’m gonna be so much better. I swear. I’ll try to be perfect for you Mikey. Everything is for you,” I tell him with a loving smile but yet there are tears in my eyes. I really am sorry for hurting him and I’ll have to live with it everyday. Knowing every second I’m awake that I’ve done those nasty things to him. That I’ve been horrible towards him and that I never can take it back no matter how much I want to.

“You’ve only been ‘mean’ to me because I’ve acted like such an idiot. Remember that I made you cry and not vice versa,” he says and it makes me fall even more in love with him. Damn him for being so sweet.

“I cried ‘cuz I treated you bad and you didn’t deserve it,” I explain but he simply shakes his head at me. Can he tell that I’m lying? Or does he just feel guilty?

“You’re perfect Billie. You’ve kept me safe and you’re my reason to live. If it wasn’t for you I would be dead. If you aren’t by my side everything is pointless. Even music is pointless without you,” he smiles and his eyes twinkle for a second.

“Even playing bass?” I ask curiously.

“Yeah, even that,” he laughs like it was obvious.

“Without you things would be pointless for me as well. Nothing matters if you’re not around,” I assure giving his hand a light squeeze.

“Not even Blue?” he wonders wide-eyed.

He looks so adorably. It’s like he can’t bring himself to believe that he’s the most important thing in my life. But he is. He really is.

“No, not even Blue,” I confirm shaking my head and he gives me a smile. And I’ve never seen him so happy before. I should have told him this long ago. I should have told him every minute of every day since I met him. He deserves to know. He deserves to be happy. God, I love him.