Breaking Down & Coming Undone

You know that guy, the one that you want so bad that it hurts. How your whole body tingles when someone mentions him, or how you try to bring him up whenever you can? The guy that you want but you know is so incredible bad for you, that you could never, ever, let your guard down enough to be with him? The one you swore you would always protect your heart from? Jonathan Ericsson has always been that guy for me.

From the moment my blue eyes met his on the way from Sweden to America, I was instantly hooked. From his sexy brown hair to the way his sent was so intoxicating, he had me eating out of the palm of his hand. His heavy Swedish accent and the way he gave off an aura of confidence only added to my attraction. He pulled me in to him, asking if he could see me again. I laughed and told him sure, not buying that a guy this sexy would ever be interested in a plain blonde, American who had been an exchange student as a University in Sweden. I gave him my number as a joke and also so that in case he was really nuts, he would have it. To my surprise, he called a week later.

Things went so fast after that. We hooked up on the first date and it instantly became a constant string of hook ups and random dates whenever he was in town. From the outside I looked like his girlfriend and even from my perspective it did. But apparently it wasn't in his eyes, or at least that's what I told myself so that the sting of his cheating ways was easier to accept.

It's not been 2 and a half years since I met Jonathan and we've been through this cycle so many times that I felt myself growing tired of waiting up for him at night. I was tired of him coming home smelling like another women and slipping in to bed next to me, trying to persuade me to sleep with him. He was a disgusting human being and tonight was one of those nights that I was sick of it. So, instead of going to bed and being passive, I packed up all of my stuff that I had at his apartment, and prepared myself to leave.

I sat patiently on the couch, the TV on as background noise and a light to fill the dark apartment. My eyes started at it, not registering what the infomercial was even trying to sell me. I licked my lips, tossing my long blonde hair over my shoulder. I took in a deep breath as I heard Jonathan outside the door, talking softly on the phone before his key slipped into the door. The lock turned and I glanced to my left, watching as he silently slipping in through the door, still whispering to the person on the phone. His brown eyes looked towards the TV before the couch where he finally registered me and the suitcases that stood ready to be pulled out of the apartment.

"I've got to go," Jonathan told the other person on the phone.

His face took on a look of slight panic as he watched me stand up, wheeling my two suitcases over as I came to the island in the kitchen, leaning against it. I set my perfectly manicured hands in front of me, staring at the promise ring that meant absolutely nothing to me anymore. It rested on my right ring finger, supposedly symbolizing that Jonathan was going to change. Something he had given me the last time he messed up, that time with a red headed puck slut who enjoyed giving him free rides while I was studying for my master's degree.

"Melanie, what's going on?" Jonathan whispered, his voice holding a slight edge of pain in it.

"I'm leaving," I stated simply, shrugging my shoulders up as he sighed deeply.

"Just like the other times right? What did I do this time?" He asked tiredly, his face relaxing and I felt a smirk form on my face. He didn't think I had the balls to leave for good.

"You might want to start fighting for me because if I walk out that door, you won't see me again, Jonathan. I dare you to call my bluff." I threatened, my blue eyes burning into his brown orbs. I watched the doubt flicker before hesitation took over, stamping his pride out.

"Why are you leaving?" He whispered, a defeated look on his face.

"You know why." I stated, looking at him, wanting him to admit that he slept with her. The one person that was a deal breaker. The official puck bunny of the Detroit Red Wings, Bethany Martin. She was disgusting, foul, and the only person I couldn't bare the thought of Jonathan with. My eyes weld with a couple tears just with the thought of her stroking his skin and him whispering sweet things in her ear like he did to me. My skin crawled the couple times I had been with him since I found out, repulsed by the thought of him with someone like her.

"Mel..." He started but trailed off, the look in my eyes telling him he wouldn't get out of this by lying to me anymore.

"I'm not taking your shit." I snapped at him, watching as he winced like I had hit him. He was a fucking coward, his eyes never meeting mine. "Don't lie to me Jonathan. I know the truth but you need to fess up. You owe that to me."

He closed his eyes, placing his elbows on the counter before thrusting his hands into his hair. He tugged harshly on the thick hairs, his body deflating the longer I stood there, not in his arms or giving in to him.

"I didn't mean for it to happen. It just did. She just, was there, and you weren't." He winced after the last part slipped out, bracing himself for the explosion.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! I wasn't there for you, so you fucked another girl!?" I exclaimed, my voice reaching hysteria. "Jonathan! I was getting my master's degree Forgive me for not being able to babysit your worthless ass while I tried to form a foundation for my future because I knew you wouldn't be in mine. I knew you would be gone by the time I was ready to settle down and get married. Hell, I would be long gone! Because goddamn it Jonathan, I love you but I can't do this anymore." I told him, the angry tears burning my cheeks as they slid down, my voice staying firm despite the obvious weakness.

"Mel, I love you so much." He pleaded with me, looking up from the counter, his brown eyes locking in on me.

"No you don't Jonathan. You think you do, but let's be honest, after all this time, it's pretty obvious that you can't love me and you won't. You're not that type of guy and I can't expect you to change for me. I used to pray for the day that would happen. I thought if I took you back time after time that it would make you want to change for real. Hell, I thought when you gave me the promise ring you would." My fingers wrapped around the cool medal, tugging the ring off my finger and holding it up for him to see. "But this means absolutely nothing to you. And now, it mean nothing to me." I placed it softly on the counter, grabbing my suitcases and wheeling them towards the door.

"Mel, no! You can't leave me," Jonathan begged, his hands firmly grasping my wrists and spinning me back to him. I dropped my suitcase handles, letting him pull me into his strong chest, his heart beating rapidly under my ear. I closed my eyes, taking in his sent and the firmness of his body pressed against mine. I willed myself not to cry out as the pain surged through me, knowing this was the last time Jonathan would ever hold me. I pursed my lips, holding out the deep sobs that made my body shake within his arms. I pulled in a deep breath, shoving it out and sucking in another.

"Jonathan, you need to let me go. I need to move on with my life." I whispered, trying to ignore the violent protests within my body.

"No," he whimpered, the tough guy act completely gone as he squeezed me to him, a childish act in itself.

"Jon, let go." I pressed my hands to his chest, using all of my will power to push him firmly away. He stumbled back, tears in his eyes as he watched me back away, setting my key to his apartment on the counter.

"Mel, please," Jonathan begged me one last time, his voice cracking as a single tear rolled from down his face.

"You had multiple chances to change and you didn't do anything about your ways. I'm done sitting around and letting you drag me through this. I deserve better and I'm going to go find better." I told him, trying to detach myself from him, the pain in his eyes too much for me to handle. He was experience every ounce of pain I had up until this moment and I felt for him despite the fact that I used to curse the horrid emotions on him.

I turned from him, not able to stand looking at him anymore, my heart getting ready to launch myself across the room to him. I walked towards the door, my heels clicking against the wood floors. I turned the knob, glancing over my shoulder and watching Jonathan sit on the couch, his head in his hands. He heard the clicking of my heels stop and he looked up, his dull eyes taking every part of me in.

"Goodbye Jonathan," I whispered, knowing I was making the right decision. He would do nothing but hurt me and I couldn't handle any more pain. I needed to move on with my life, find a fresh start in a new city, and a man who could love me unconditionally. With the confidence that the future held less pain, I walked out of the apartment, leaving Jonathan and the utter wreak of a relationship behind me.
*** (3 years later)

I sat in the front pew of a church I had never been in until today, tears streaming down my face as I blankly looked at the dark casket in front of me. My eyes focused in on the casket, temporarily looking away from the dark oak, looking at the picture of the striking young man who served his country in the best of ways. He went and fought a war that wasn't even considered a war anymore. He served his country in the time of need, completely unselfish but it ended up costing him his life.

I sat next to Captain Sean Peters' mother who sobbed next to her husband, his silent tears meeting with hers as he pulled her in close while the soldiers carried their second deceased son's casket out of the church and down the steps. Everyone else stood up, following the casket out, some crossing themselves while others cried about the loss of a magnificent man. I scowled at the cross that hung from the ceiling, cursing it in the worst ways as I wondered how someone could be so cruel, taking the man that treated me like a princess away from me.

Sean had been my only boyfriend after my previous bad relationship with Jonathan. He treated me the exact opposite of the NHL hockey player. He always called, he was always on time and he would never even consider cheating on me. I met him in Virginia, a place I went to escape the drama of my fail of a relationship and also a place without hockey. It was a blissful escape from the up and down roller coaster I had been on. I met Sean on a walk one evening while I strolled the street with my bulldog Champ.

Sean was nothing but polite, always calling me ma'am and keeping a respectable distance after he asked to walk with me one summer evening. He was the definition of a gentleman, always cracking jokes and opening doors for me once I agreed to go out with him. He made me happier than anyone ever could, taking my mind and heart away from Jonathan, securing them in a place that was supposed to be safe. But now he was gone and once again I was left with nothing but a shattered heart.

The church had long since emptied as continued to stare at the altar, cursing the heavens for ending the life of the man that I loved. I ignored the slight nagging of my conscience, telling me that yeah, I loved Sean, but not nearly as much as Ilove loved Jonathan. My fingers brushed under my eyelids, carefully rubbing the tears away and the smudged mascara. I sniffled, holding my breath and trying to swallow the lump in my throat. I took my time leaving the church, knowing that I was once again all alone in the world just like after I left Jonathan. For some reason, thinking about Jonathan had actually been comforting these past couple weeks after Sean's death. It was almost like a consolation, Sean had died but Jonathan still remained, a living, breathing person that I still loved with all my heart.

The guilt settled in the pit of my stomach like always when I thought of Jonathan instead of Sean. It was a never ending cycle, just like in my relationship with Jonathan. He dominated my thoughts, day and night, especially on the lonely days when I hated myself for saying no when Sean proposed to me before he left for Iraq. I couldn't say yes, not when I pictured Jonathan on one knee instead of Sean. I couldn't be that cruel, making him replace the real person I loved.

A body plopped down on the bench next to me, a man no doubt from the long, suit covered legs that stretched out. I didn't turn to look at them, not really caring who it was or what they had to say. I rubbed my nose with the back of my hand, a couple more tears leaking from my eyes as I felt another wave of sobs threatening to shake me to the core. I hated crying because it never changed anything. Whatever the issue was still existed after you sobbed your heart out.

"I'm sorry about your loss," an old voice from the past whispered. I pursed my lips at his voice, hating the way my heart lifted from my aching chest, pounding to life again as his arm wrapped around my shoulder.

"Jon-" I started sobbing, not able to choke out his name. He tugged me into his body, letting me cry into him. I sobbed for Sean, for my failed relationship with Jonathan, for not saying yes when Sean proposed, for myself, and for the fact that Sean wasn't even in the ground yet and I was already back in Jonathan's arms. His hands rubbed steady circles into my back and I focused hard on them, my sobs subsiding and my tears streaming down silently.

"Come on," Jonathan whispered, tugging me up and helping me walk out of the church. The bright sun shone down on us as we headed to where a black Mercedes was parked. Jonathan unlocked it, helping me into the passenger seat before he climbed in. He drove down the highway, heading in to the direction of my house despite the fact that he shouldn't know what way to go. I was too upset to care, my body sinking into a state of total numbness as Jonathan grabbed my hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "It's going to be okay."

"How can it possibly be okay, Jon? He's dead. He's not coming back," I wailed, slamming my head against the seat. He stayed quiet, his hand laced with mine the only reminder that he was still with me. I sighed as my latest emotional outbreak subsided, "why are you even here?"

"Because you need me." He stated, turning onto my street.

"No I don't," I mumbled, my heart aching and yearning for Jonathan, Sean far from my mind.

"Then I can leave," Jonathan shrugged, "I just thought you would like some company." I rolled my eyes, irritated with him and how nonchalant he was being. I pushed the door open, slamming it shut and stomping up to my front door. I fiddled with my keys, trying to find the one for the front door, my irritation building when I wasn't able to locate it.

"Fuck," I mumbled as my keys slipped from my hands. I heard a car door slam and I whimpered as Jonathan came up next to me, bending down and grabbing my keys.

"Which one?" He asked softly. I pointed to the one with the blue band around it, surprised it was so much easier to find with Jonathan next to me. He flipped the lock, opening the door and helping me in.

I kicked off my black pumps right away, needing to let my feet breathe. I sat down on the stairs, rubbing my face roughly and looking at Jonathan.

"How did you know where to find me?" I asked, watching as he shifted uncomfortably before taking a seat next to me on the stairs.

"Sean." I snapped my attention to him, watching as he grabbed both of my hands, shoving a letter into them. I unfolded the paper slowly, looking down at the hand writing that was similar to the letter I read from him a couple days ago, giving me his final farewell. "Read it," he whispered when I looked at him.

Jonathan,

I know you don't know who I am or probably ever will since you're reading this right now. But we have a mutual girl who we both care a lot about, Melanie. She's told me a couple stories about you, always mentioning your old ways and how I treated her so much better but I can see the distant look in her eyes when she talks about you. Sometimes it's to vent and get it out, mostly when I first met her, but there are always the moments of longing. Sometimes I would wonder if she was ever going to get over you but I came to the conclusion that she wouldn't when I asked her to be my wife and she politely declined. It's no secret anymore that she's still in love with you, I doubt she'll ever tell you or let you in again but I need you to try for me. If you're reading this I was killed in the line of duty, never to return home to our girl. She won't be ours anymore, only yours and I need you to go be with her when you get this. I have strict arrangements for my funeral so you can be there in time. Be with her, treat her right this time, and hold her. She needs you and don't you dare let her push you way. I've heard enough about you to know that you love her as much as I do. So don't settle for feeling it, show it to her, make her understand. And then marry her, because she needs you as much as you need her.

Best of luck,
Sean.

Tears spilled from my eyes, smudging the ink as I sobbed loudly. I looked over at Jonathan who also had tears running down his face, mirroring the same kind of loss that my face did. I was sad and angry at the same time. What was Sean doing thrusting Jonathan back into my life? What didn't he understand about me pushing him out of my life? I didn't want him around where he could string me around and hurt me. I couldn't handle any more of that.

"Just give me another chance to prove this to you. I know it's not a good time, but Melanie I still love you, so much that I've been broken ever since you've left."

"I can't right now and I don't know if I ever can," I whispered.

"I've waited three lonely years, and I'll wait forever if I have too," he murmured, kissing my cheek as more tears flowed down from my eyes, an endless stream of the salty water. He pulled me into his side and let me cry on his shoulders for hours before I passed out in his arms, all cried out and too exhausted to try anymore.
*** (1 year later)

I placed the red flowers on the grey tombstone that held Sean's name, calling him a beloved friend, son, and brother, along with the dates that he lived from. He died so young, barely 24 years old. I ran my fingers over the engravement of his name, ignoring Jonathan as he sat on the bench behind me.

"I miss you every day," I whispered to the wind, thinking maybe it would carry my voice to him. "I wish you were here to pull me through, to tell me I can trust Jon again. Then again if you were, he wouldn't be here. I guess I should thank you for that. You were right, I needed someone and Jonathan was the only one who would get through to me. I owe you a lot." I bit my lip, staring at my expression as the glossy surface reflected my image.

"I hope you're okay. I hope you're with your brother, catching up and sharing the stories you always wanted to but couldn't. I hope you found someone up there that you should have been with but couldn't. And know that I love you and I'll be seeing you again someday." I finished, bringing my fingers to my lips before pressing them to the cool engravement of his name. I closed my eyes, the wind surrounding my body, making me feel like Sean was there with me. I smiled, tilting my face up to the shining sun. I stood up after speaking my peace to Sean, feeling like I could move on with my life. I turned to Jonathan, owing where I am today to him.

He stayed with me this whole year, moving me back to Detroit where he remained my sole support system, pulling me through the hard times. He kept me busy, never forcing me into anything but always keeping the girlfriend option open. I never accepted. He stayed on the sidelines when I had bad days, letting me cry to him while he held me tightly in his arms. He never complained, showing me just how much he had changed. His whole attitude about life had not to mention how he spent his free time. Instead of going out to clubs, he stayed in with me and we'd watch a movie or simply cuddle on the couch. Sometimes we would go out but most of the time we kept it low key.

Jon let me talk about Sean whenever I wanted, rubbing my back and listening to all the silly stories and memories that I would always hold close to my heart. It was actually his idea to come back to Virginia for the first anniversary of his death, bringing the red roses to show how much I still loved him. Flowers were already there from other friends and family but I hadn't talked to them in months.

"How you doing baby girl?" Jonathan asked, pulling me into him.

"I'm alright," I whispered, wrapping my arms around his waist.

"Good, that's what I like to hear. Let's head out," he suggested to which I nodded. We walked out of the cemetery that was dedicated specifically to solders who had died in the line of duty. I looked back at Sean's grave one last time, telling him a final goodbye in my head, sensing that I wouldn't be back for awhile.

Jonathan and I walked down the street hand in hand, walking past various shops that lined the street until we reached a giant plaza that randomly sat in the town. We walked through, coming to the middle at the same time Jonathan tugged on my arm. I looked over at him quizzically, finding him kneeling on the ground instead of next to me. My eyes widened with shock as he flipped a box open, showing me a beautiful diamond ring that was meant for one purpose: marriage.

"Jonathan-"

"Melanie, please marry me," he asked, his eyes hopeful. I shook my head forcefully, scrunching my mouth up in a disapproving look. I wanted to stop him before he begged. I couldn't do this, he couldn't ask me or put me on the spot in front of a large amount of people. I couldn't do this, and I wouldn't. We weren't even together for Christ's sake.

"No, I can't marry you, Jonathan." I told him, closing my eyes so I wouldn't have to see the people gawking at us. A couple people grimaced when I said no as Jonathan's face fell in defeat. His expression was a perfect mirror from what he looked like a couple years ago when I left him in his apartment.

"I appreciate everything you've done for me and I know Sean asked you to do this, but I can't. He doesn't understand and I don't think you do either. I'm still hurting from the last time and I can't just let that go. I can't let you back in knowing that the possibility of the pain coming back is so high," I shook my head at him, turning on my heel before he had the opportunity to grab me.

"Melanie, please." Jonathan pleaded, calling out in one last desperate plea.

I stopped a couple feet from my previous spot, closing my eyes as people bustled by me in the busy plaza. I took a deep breath, feeling the pain course through me, the pain that he inflicted with his stupid actions from the past. Damn him for making me unable to trust him. But even though the pain was rocketing through me so viciously, it was hard to stand, I turned back around.

My eyes took in the gorgeous man in front of me and I gave him a slight smile before walking back to him. He watched my approach with hopeful, hungry eyes. Everything about him begged me to take accept his proposal, his features, the way his eyes glistened more so than normal, and the way his breath was fogging up the air in front of us in a rapid but steady way.

I watched him closely, wondering if I was making the right choice by walking away. My eyes flashed over him, one more time, and I told myself this was it, the last time Jonathan would see me again. I could already see him slipping back into his old ways. He would get complacent and I would be stuck in the same position I was before. I needed to get out now, watching as his eyes already flickered to other women once and awhile like he was beyond bored with me and the need for time. I needed to push Jonathan out of my life for good.

Because there comes a time when you can't do it anymore, when you can't hold on because love isn't enough, especially when you're not getting it in return. I needed to cut my losses and move on with my life, even if leaving him again would kill me just like the first time. So I took a deep breath and I did what I knew I had to do in order to ever be happy.
***

"MOM!" a little boy's voice screamed at me from the front door, "you missed it! I got a goal, I did it mom!" Jayden came screaming into the kitchen, still dressed in all of his hockey stuff. I turned from my spot washing the dishes and caught him when he leaped towards me. I ignored the stench of his equipment, instead smothering his face with kisses.

"I'm so proud of you sweetie. I'm sorry I couldn't come." I told him, tapping his nose. His eyes shone with excitement and a smile graced his baby face. His dark hair, just like his dad's, was matted and stuck up in random places but he still looked adorable.

"Dad said I looked just like him out there." He grinned, obviously happy with the compliment his dad had given him.

"Oh I doubt that hun. You're way better than your daddy. He's lucky to be in the same category as you."

My son giggled at me, shaking his head before squirming to be let down. He was coming to the age where he was too old for his mom to pick him up and hold him. He was daddy's little man now, he did big boy things and wore big boy pants. I giggled, watching him tackle his dad's legs when he sauntered into the kitchen with our new baby girl.

"Can I see dad? Can I see?" Jayden stretched to look up at his dad in a futile attempt to look at his baby sister.

"One second Jayden." His dad told him, "take your stuff off and I'll set you up on the couch to hold her." Jayden squealed with delight as he ran off to get undressed.

"So he scored a goal huh?" I asked my husband, crossing the kitchen and looking at our daughter, Aubrie.

"Yeah, just like I taught him." He boosted, wrapping an arm around me, pulling me to his side.

I placed my head on his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat. My eyes drifted over to the little girl cradled in her dad's arm, pressed gently but firmly to his chest. She opened her blue eyes, gazing up at her dad. I felt his heart pause for a second and the flutter back to life as his little girl yawned, stretching her arms towards him. I pulled away looking up into Jonathan's face. He looked down at me rolling his eyes at my pointed expression.

"I can't help it that she has a hold on me. She's like her mom that way." He smirked, kissing my lips firmly.

"Ew." Jayden said, scrunching his nose in distaste after seeing our display of affection.

"You'll understand someday, Jay. Your going to find a girl that your going to want to kiss everyday, until your last." Jonathan spoke, never taking his eyes off mine.

"Girls have cooties," Jayden told him, fists on his hips, chest stuck out like he was Superman.

"They do now but they won't always," Jonathan told him, turning to look at him.

Jayden reached for the baby in his arms, still trying to get a look at her. The baby was so new and exciting for him, after all she was only a week and a half old. He was entranced by her and all her baby glory. It made me appreciate that they weren't at the age where they could be bickering and fighting like I was with my brothers and sisters. I knew I would probably miss this someday, but for now I just lived in this moment with my two children and my husband.

"Bud, get on the couch," Jonathan chuckled lightly as Jayden hung on his dad's leg, pulling his jeans down his hips as he jumped up and down. Jay listened immediately, running into the living room and dive-bombing onto the couch, giggling as I smiled at him.

"You're crazy bud!" I exclaimed, sitting on the couch next to him and tickling his sides. He squirmed and giggled as Jonathan patiently waited to hand him his baby sister.

"Stop mom! I wanna hold Brie!" He laughed excitedly, his blue eyes shinning.

"Tell me you love me, honey," I smirked down at him and he grinned up at me, showing me his loose tooth.

"I love you mommy," he breathed out as my hands ceased to attack him.

"I love you too Jay," I told him, kissing his forehead lightly.

"What about daddy? and Brie?" He pouted slightly.

"I love them too," I responded, looking up at Jonathan, seeing so much wisdom and change in him, the same qualities that made me turn around and say yes the same day I promised myself I'd walk away. Jonathan smiled at me, sitting down next to me and placing our daughter in my waiting arms.

Her eyes fluttered open, a brown mirror like her daddy's. She blinked a couple times, studying the faces of the three people that hovered over her. Her little lips tightened slightly, the perfect resemblance of a little smile. All of us grinned down at her, completely overtaken by this little body.

"Mom, can I hold her now?" Jayden asked, lightly touching the baby's head.

"Yeah, do you have the pillow?" I asked, looking over to see him already plopped on the couch and the pillow at the ready on his lap.

"Hold your arms out," I instructed, watching as he mirrored his dad who was showing him what to do. I placed the little girl in his arms, supporting her head with one hand as he looked down at her. I softly placed her head on the pillow, knowing Jayden couldn't support her head that well.

"I love her momma," Jayden cooed, making my heart flutter. Jonathan leaned into me from behind, his lips pressing softly against my cheek.

"We did good huh?" He asked me, his chin resting against my shoulder as we both looked down at the two little kids who were now our whole world.

"I guess," I smiled, my hand wrapping around to the back of his neck. I sighed contently, closing my eyes and enjoying the moment, knowing that if I had kept walking, none of this would be here.

I knew all those years ago when he proposed to me that I should really just walk away, leave him there because once a cheater always a cheater. But sometimes in life, there are people you just need, because you love them with so much of your being, that you need them in order to live. And even though Jonathan had always been the guy who could hurt me more than humanly possible, I loved him so much that he was worth the pain. Because you can't have the good without the bad. And Jonathan will always be the really good in my life, good enough to make the doubts disappear, and replace it with an indestructible force of hope and love.