Say Goodnight

“Julia!” I yelled as I put on Alexander’s shoes. I heard her yell back and then I saw her run down the stairs.

“You ready?” I said picking up my purse. She nodded and slipped on her shoes.
I picked up Alexander and I opened the door, Julia went out and ran to the car. I turned around and locked the door. I sighed and looked up at the sky. It was another gray and cloudy day, just how I feel.

I put Alexander in his car seat and he just smiled at me and started to mumble things. I smiled and kissed his forehead.

“Mommy, I need help,” Julia said. I smiled and helped her with her seatbelt. She smiled at me, showing her dimples. I smiled back and shut the door and got into the drivers seat.

“Will daddy be awake today? He has been taking a nap for a long time,” Julia said, playing with some random toy that was in the car as I was backing out of the driveway,

“I hope so sweetie,” I said as I drove towards the hospital.

The whole ride I just thought about Matt. I just thought of everything we have been through, everything we did together. I almost cried just thinking that I might not have him anymore. I need him. The kids need him.

I looked in the back seat and saw Julia playing with Alexander.
I can still remember the night she was made, which brought tears to my eyes.

*Flashback

“Oh Katie!” I heard a voice yell they walked into the house. A smile grew on my face once I heard the voice.

“Hey babe,” I said kissing him once he got close enough to me.

“Where are your parents?” he asked looking around.

“They went up to LA for the weekend with my uncle. So, the house is to ourselves,” I said wrapping my arms around his neck. He just grinned at me and kissed me deeply.

After a heated make-out session he pulled away.

“What do you wanna have for dinner babe?” he said resting his hands on my hips. I shrugged.

“How about… I make your favorite,” he said kissing my nose.

“Matt, you don’t have to. And besides… Chicken Parmesan is hard to make,” I said as he let me go and walked into the kitchen.

“Psh. You know my mother cooks all the time! I even helped her once when she made this back when I was little. I still remember,” he said tapping his head. I just laughed and lifted myself up onto the counter and watched as he got everything ready. We made small talk. He told me about the band and the songs they wrote. I told him about the colleges that I want to go to, just to give him a heads up.

After an hour, the food was ready.

“Dig in,” he said. I looked at it, scared that it might start moving on the plate. Don’t get me wrong I love Matt. But sometimes… his cooking isn’t great.

“Kate, just eat it. Its good,” he said taking a bite. I used my fork to cut a piece of the chicken off and gathered some cheese and sauce on it and took a bite. My taste buds started to explode.

“OH MY GOD! This is amazing!” I said after I swallowed.

“See, told you,” he said. I just laughed and finished eating.

Matt cleaned up and joined me on the couch in the living room. I was watching some random MTV show.
Once Matt sat down I snuggled up next to him. He wrapped his arm around me and kissed the top of my head. I smiled and tilted my head up so I was facing him. He just smiled down at me and kissed my lips.
His tongue swept across my lips and I opened, allowing his tongue to battle with mine. I straddled him and ran my hands up and down his chest. I brought them to the bottom of his shirt and started to lift it. He broke apart so I could lift it over his head. I threw it somewhere in the living room and ran my fingers down his bare chest. He pulled on the bottom of my shirt and I lifted my arms so he could take it off. He tossed it somewhere in the living room too.

“Beautiful,” he said kissing my neck and down my chest. I squirmed on top of him, just wanting him. I reached behind myself and unhooked my bra throwing it. I shivered as the cold air hit my chest, making my nipples harden. Matt smiled and kept kissing down my chest. He took one of the small buds in his mouth and started licking and lightly biting it.

I threw my head back and groaned, running my fingers through his hair. He shifted us so I was laying down on the couch and he was hovering over me. He kissed down my stomach and stopped once he reached the top of my pants. He looked up at me and grinned. He unbuttoned them and slowly dragged them off my legs, along with my panties. I pulled him down on top of me and kissed him deeply. I ran my fingers down his chest and unbuttoned his pants and pushed them down as far as I could. He pulled away and threw them on the floor, along with his boxers. He laid on top of me, and I felt him pressing against my inner thigh.

“Did you bring a condom?” I asked kissing his neck. He shook his head.

“It’s okay… I just had…you know what,” I said. He just nodded and entered me slowly. I gasped and gripped onto the back of his head. We have had sex many times, but it was still a shock every single time. Slowly he started to pull out and push back in. I threw my head back and moaned.

“Matt…” I moaned softly. He kissed and sucked on my neck. I gasped and clawed at his back as he sped up his pace. He grunted and kissed my neck more. I pulled his head up so I could look at him. I saw sweat already forming on his head. I smiled and pulled him into a kiss. When I did that he started to pound harder and faster into me. I broke away and screamed. I dragged my fingernails down his back, most likely leaving marks.

“I’m…close…” I gasped as he kept hitting my spot every time. I felt him nod agaisnt my neck.

A couple of more thrusts and we both came at the same time. He sighed and just laid on top of me. We both focused on getting our breath back to normal.

“That was…wow,” I said running my hand through my hair.

“Yeah,” Matt said kissing from my neck up to my lips. I smiled into the kiss. He pulled away and pulled on his boxers. I sat up and looked on the floor, finding my panties and Matt’s shirt. I pulled them on and snuggled up next to Matt.

“I love you,” he said kissing my cheek. I looked over at him and smiled.

“I love you too,” I said kissing his lips softly.

I pulled into the hospital parking lot and found a parking spot. I shut off the car and got out. I opened the back door and Julia jumped out. I leaned into the car and got out Alexander. I shut the door and locked it. I rested Alexander in my hip and Julia grabbed my hand.

“Is uncle Zacky gonna be here?” She asked skipping beside me.

“He said he was going to be,” I said walking into the hospital. I took the elevator up to the 4th floor and walked to the waiting room, a route I did to many times.

“Uncle Zacky!” Julia yelled and let go of my hand and ran towards him. I smiled. She loved him to pieces, as did he.

“Hey!” he said opening his arms and she ran right into them. He lifted her onto his lap and handed her a kids book to look at.

“Any word on him?” I said standing in front of him, shifting Alexander to my other hip.

“No. No one has came in here yet,” he said looking up at me with sad eyes. I nodded and walked out of the waiting room and down the hall to room 410. I entered the room and the sound of the heart monitor flowed through my ears. I looked at the bed that held my husband and wanted to cry. He was such a strong man, and now he just looks so weak and fragile. I walked around the bed and sat down in the chair by the bed. I rested Alexander on my lap and grabbed Matt’s hand.

“Hey hun. It’s me and Alexander. Julie is in the waiting room with Zacky,” I said running my thumb over his wedding band.

“You have to wake up… We need you Matt. I need you. Julia misses you and Alexander is growing so much and you aren’t even here to see him. The guys need you too,” I said not fighting back the tears anymore. I kissed the back of his hand, hoping that he would just wake up. I sighed and stood up. I put Alexander on the bed and he crawled right up on Matt and laid on his chest. It was something that he has always done. I just wish that Matt would hold him too.

I sat there for hours, just holding Matt’s hand. Alexander fell asleep shortly after he crawled up onto his chest. Julia came in and talked to Matt. I saw sadness in her eyes when she realized he was still ‘sleeping’. Zacky decided to take her back to his house so she could play with his daughter, Olivia.

“Thanks Zacky,” I said hugging him.

“Anytime Katie,” he said rubbing my back. I just broke down right then. His grip tightened on me and I cried harder.

“I need him Zack. I really do. I don’t think I can live without him. I'd sacrifice everything in this world to hold him,” I cried.

“I know hun. And he will. You’ve got to have faith,” he said pulling away. I nodded and wiped my tears. He kissed my cheek and left.
Alexander woke up shortly after Zacky left. He looked up at Matt and started to cry. I picked him up, in hopes he would calm down. But he wouldn’t. I sighed and craddled him in my arms. He needs his father, he really does.

All of a sudden the heart machine started to beep like crazy. I stood up and looked at him. His heart was slowing down. No…No!

Doctors and nurses rushed in, pushing me aside. I looked on in horor. He was dying.

“Miss, you need to leave,” a nurse said pulling on my elbow.

“NO! No! I will not leave! That is my husband! I am not going to leave!” I yelled holding Alexander closer to me, who was also screaming and crying.

“Miss, You can’t be in here,” She said pulling on my elbow again. I finally gave up and went with her. I sat in the waiting room and just cried. I called Tia, Zacky’s wife, and told her what was going on.

“Oh hun! I will be right there!” she said and hung up. I closed my phone and held onto Alexander and just cried.

Alexander pulled back and looked up at me then softly laid his hand on my cheek. I smiled and looked at him. He looked just like Matt. The same eyes, nose, mouth, color hair. Everything. He smiled at me and his small dimples showed, another thing from Matt.

I prayed that Matt would live. That they would save him and he would wake up. I prayed that he would come back and be with his family again.

Tia came rushing in and pulled me into a hug the best she could, since I was holding Alexander. I cried on her shoulder.

“Mrs. Sanders?” a voice said. We pulled away and I looked up at the doctor. He walked over and sat down next to me.

“I’m sorry. Matthew didn’t make it. I’m sorry for your loss,” He said lightly touching my hand. He gave me a sad look and left.

I started to shake. Tia grabbed Alexander out of my arms and I leaned over and cried. I screamed and cried.

I just lost the love of my life. The only person I ever loved. My best friend. My husband. The father of my children.
I lost him.

I can still remember when he asked me to be his, forever.

*Flashback

I was laying in bed, reading a parenting book. Matt was laying next to me, off in his own world. Then he got up and walked over to the dresser. I heard a drawer open then shut. He walked back over and pulled the book out of my hand. I looked at him. He pulled me up so I was sitting. He stood in front of me.

“Katie…I have known you for what? 14 years?” he said. I nodded and gave him a questing look.

“Well…Ever since middle school, I knew you were the perfect one for me. I knew you were the one I wanted to get married to and start a family with, which we already started,” he said rubbing my swollen stomach, “and I knew that I could never ever let you go. So, what I’m trying to say is…” he paused and got down on one knee. Oh My God! He pulled his hand around to reveal a black box.

“Matt…” I said speechless. He just smiled and opened the box to reveal a beautiful ring. Tears ran down my cheek. He smiled and pulled the ring out of the box and threw the box on the bed behind me.

“Will you marry me?” he asked. I nodded and cried. He slipped the ring onto my finger and stood me up. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him with everything I had in me. He pulled me as close to him as he could without hurting the baby. We pulled away and he rested his forehead against mine.

“I have something for you,” I said. I got out of his grip and walked over to my purse and pulled out the picture. I turned and walked back towards him and handed it to him.
“Its from the ultrasound today,” I said. He looked at it with a confused look, and then his face lit up.

“A girl?” he asked. I nodded with a smile. He rushed over to me and kissed me. Then kneeled down so he was level with my stomach.

“Hey baby girl, It’s daddy. You are going to be a daddy’s little girl. I can feel it already. I love you,” he said kissing my stomach. I smiled and rubbed the top of it. He stood back up and kissed me again.

“I love you too,” he said.

“And I love you,” I said kissing him.

But that is just a cold memory now…

-

“You need help hun?” Tia said walking into mine and Matt’s room. I looked up from the bed and shook my head. I looked back down at my lap and played with my dress. She walked over, her heals clicking on the wood floor. She sat down next to me and rubbed my back.

“I’m sorry,” was all she said. I nodded took a deep breath. I stood up and smoothed out my dress. Tia stood up and hugged me. I hugged back and let the tears fall freely from my eyes.

“Let’s go,” she said. I nodded and followed her out the door. I looked back in the room once more and then closed the door. I walked down the stairs and found all the guys sitting around the living room talking quietly.

“Momma, why is everyone sad?” Julia said running up to me as I sat down in the chair. I pulled her onto my lap and she rested her head on my shoulder.

“Because babe, Today… Today we say goodnight to daddy forever,” I said trying not to break down in front of her. I explained to her that her father will never wake up from his ‘sleep’. She didn’t quite understand.

“But can’t we just shake him until he wakes up?” she asked looking at me. I shook my head and kissed her cheek.

“It doesn’t work that way hun. As much as I wish it did, it doesn’t,” I said. She just nodded and laid her head back down on my shoulder. Everyone gave me sad looks. I just smiled as best as I could. But deep down I was breaking into pieces.
“It’s time,” Zacky said walking inside. I sighed and got up, slipping Julia off of my lap. Brian handed me Alexander. I smiled and thanked him. Alexander just laid his head on my shoulder as we walked out to our cars. Tia was driving mine with Zacky, Julia, me and Alexander. I strapped him into his car seat and got in the back seat next to him.

The whole ride I was crying, but trying not to let Julia see. I needed to be somewhat strong in front of her.

We pulled up to the church, the same church me and Matt got married at. I started crying harder.

“Momma, Don’t cry,” Julia said as we got out. I kneeled down and stood Alexander up and hugged her. Then I felt little arms wrap around my waist, I looked down and saw Alexander hugging me. I smiled and picked him up and sat him on my lap.

“It’s okay hun. Momma will be fine, okay? It’s just a sad day. Because this was where me and your father got married. But today is a day to cry, okay? If you are upset, then cry,” I said brushing some hair out of her face. She just nodded and hugged me. I hugged her back with one arm.

I stood up and rested Alexander on my hip and grabbed Julia’s hand. We walked into the church and took our seats in the front pew next to Matt’s parents.

“Oh hunny!” His mother said as I sat down. She pulled me into a hug and cried. I hugged her back and cried too.

“Oh, look at him. He just keeps looking more and more like Matthew,” she said when we pulled away. She picked up Alexander and sat him on her lap. I smiled. Julia pulled my arm. I turned and looked at her.

“What’s in that?” she said pointing to the casket that held Matt. I felt a lump in my throat. I coughed trying to clear it.

“That’s where daddy is. He is in there,” I said wrapping my arm around her. She just nodded. It’s hard to explain to a 7 year old that there is a dead body in there.

The service went on and people talked. Each one of the guys went up and said something. I decided not to. I couldn’t handle going up there. I would just cry.

We all got back into our cars and drove to the cemetery.

“Momma, why are there those stone things?” Julia asked. It seems like she doesn’t know anything, but she does. But me and Matt tried to keep her away from things like this.

“Those are gravestones. It has the person’s name that went to heaven on it. It marks where their body is,” I said. She just nodded and looked around as we drove to the gravesite. We parked and got out. Alexander was sleeping now, which was good I guess.

We all sat at the chairs that were gathered around his casket. Luckily the burial was just for family and close friends. I looked at the flowers that surrounded his casket. They were so bright and colorful. Which made this dark and cloudy day just seem to shine with color.

The preacher said some things then it was time to say goodbye…forever.

I grabbed Julia’s hand and walked up to the casket.

“Say goodbye,” I said crying. She just looked up at me and then at the casket.

“Bye daddy. I love you,” she said and placed her flower by the casket. She walked back over and sat in her chair next to Matthew’s mother.

I turned to the casket and laid my hand on it. I cried and leaned forward and kissed it.

“Goodnight…I love you baby…I will see you soon… Farewell my friend,” I said and kissed the casket once again. I laid my flower on top of his casket. Once I did, I felt the wind blow and thought of Matt. As if he was here right now. I sighed and walked back to my seat. Everyone did the same thing. Then… They lowered his casket. I cried, as it got deeper and deeper into the ground.

We walked back to our cars, everyone crying. Then, the sun came out. I looked up and smiled.

“Mommy! The sun is out!” Julia said pulling my hand. I nodded and kneeled down to her.

“Wanna know something? Sometimes, I think that when the wind blows, that it is daddy. And when the sun shines, like this, that it is daddy. Like, he is trying to say something, but can’t. So he just…uses the sun or wind to do it. So whenever you think daddy is with you, he is. He will always be with you okay?” I said. She nodded and wrapped her arms around my neck, hugging me. I hugged back and looked up at the sky.

I got into the car and looked at Alexander. He looked at me and smiled. His smiled looked just like Matthew’s smile. I kissed his forehead and smiled back.

I thought back to when we found out I was pregnant with him.


“We have to wait 5 minutes…” I said sitting down on the bed next to Matt. He just nodded pulled me into a hug.

“If you are, great! If you aren’t, then it isn’t our time to have another baby,” he said kissing the top of my head. I just nodded and wished time would speed up.

“Well, I just don’t want to be pregnant and have you be on tour… I need you here… I don’t think I can go through it alone… “ I said looking up at him with sad eyes.

“Babe, I promise you I will make things work if you are,” he said. I just nodded and the timer went off. I stood up and shook my hands, trying to get all the nerves out of my system. Matt stood up and grabbed my hands.

“Lets go check together,” he said. I nodded and we walked into the bathroom. I picked up the test and almost dropped it when I saw the result. On the test was a black smiley face. I looked up at Matt and jumped on him, wrapping my legs around his waist.

“I’m guessing it’s postive?” he said holding my thighs. I nodded and kissed him deeply.

“Well, lets go tell Julia,” he said. I nodded and we headed to her room to tell her that she was going to have a little baby brother or sister.

I knew I would never get over Matt. I would never be able to move on. I had a feeling that I would be miserable for a long time.

That night I laid in bed, trying to get to sleep. It has been hard to sleep without Matt being there beside me to hold me.
All of a sudden I felt something warm against my back. I looked and I swear I saw Matt laying next to me with a smile. I blinked and he was gone.
I sighed and rolled over. I’m going crazy now, awesome. I closed my eyes and as I was just about to fall into a deep sleep I heard a voice say, “I love you Katie. I am always with you. Goodnight,” In my left ear. I knew the voice. It was Matt. I tried to wake up, but I couldn’t.

I guess I will have to live my life without him here in person, but I know that he will always be around me in spirit. And he will never, ever, leave my heart and mind.