Worth The Wait

CH 14

“You’re what?!” Sid’s eyes popped open and his stomach flipped.

“I’m going back to Philly next week.” Phoebe’s revelation of her plans to Sid did not come out smoothly and she was having a hard time keeping herself composed. She pulled away from him and walked a few steps away to separate herself from him.

“Why? For how long?” Sid rapidly spit out.

“Uh, because I want to and I don’t know how long. I’m leaving after my finals are finished. I need to get away from here.”

“You mean you need to get away from me.” He bitterly corrected her.

Phoebe tried to keep her gaze from meeting his but it was inevitable. “That’s not what I said,” she said softly.

“You didn’t need to say it Pheebs. I know what you’re doing and I get your point. It’s perfectly clear.” His aggravation and hurt was transparent.

“Sid…what does it matter anymore?” she couldn’t bare to look at him. Seeing the hurt and anger in his eyes made her feel unimaginable guilty.

He thought about it for a second. “That’s a good question Phoebe. Great, in fact. Why don’t you wonder that question when Richards is hovering over you, fucking your brains out.”

This time it was her eyes that popped out of her head. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? What does that have to do with anything?!” she irrationally and disgustedly screamed. He didn’t even know what he was talking about. “Huh?”

“Gee, I don’t know,” he yelled back. He got closer to her with each step. “You get mad at me for almost fucking some girl who I couldn’t care less about. Some slut I can’t remember what she even looks like and I’m not sure if I ever learned her name. Some girl I only wanted to go to bed with because my heart was broken and I thought I lost you…but it’s okay for you to let him fuck you when he shows up. No matter how much that broke my heart, not matter how much I wanted to rib my stomach out knowing you were here with him, and you were opening your legs for him…touching him…letting him kiss you and run his hands along your body.” He was standing right in front of Phoebe, looking her dead in the eyes and his voice was agonized. “After he’s been fucking whatever and whomever he wants in Philly. Then you make love to me and still can’t be honest with me about how you really feel and what you really want. But that’s all okay right?”

Phoebe was sobbing by the time Sidney finished his rant. She completely understood what he was throwing at her. She might’ve known that she didn’t make things easy on him, but she didn’t realize how much she’d been hurting him all this time. She should have, but she wanted to be ignorant to it because it was hurting her just as much. To her it was more of a reason to seclude herself and it was also more proof that he shouldn’t love her. That he deserved to be with someone better.

“What? Nothing to say?” She’d never heard him this angry before, especially not with her. But she knew that his screaming was because of the heartache that she’d caused him. After everything she had put him through it was amazing that he was even still bothering with her. She kept her head down as the tears kept streaming down her cheeks and shook her head no. She couldn’t find any words to say to him.

As pissed off as Sid was, he couldn’t stand tearing her apart. His momentary anger subsided and now looking at her so defeated broke his heart. What she failed to see was that he knew her better than she realized. He loved her for every little thing about her. He loved all her flaws and he trusted her more than the friends he had for years. He knew that she didn’t love Richards anymore, if she ever really did, and that she was in love with him. He understood why she was beating herself up over everything but he didn’t know what to do to make her realize he wasn’t going anywhere.

Phoebe wanted to make an attempt to defend herself. She wanted to yell something in defense as equally hurtful to him but in this moment she had to deal with her own shortcomings. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for everything,” she choked out through her tears. “I’m just so sorry.” She didn’t stop sobbing. She didn’t like being so overly emotional, but it was due to a combination of things she had not dealt with in years.

Not knowing what else to say, Sid grabbed her and pulled her close to him again. Her head was resting on his chest and her tears were soaking his shirt. He held her and she let him, something that neither one of them were expecting to happen during his visit. “You don’t have to do this,” Sid whispered. His voice was raspy and he swallowed because he was scared. Phoebe could feel and hear it, which made it even harder for her. She was too drained to fight him any longer. She just took in a deep breath and nuzzled her face into his shirt more. She allowed herself to grab his back held onto him for dear life.

She could feel him take in a breath and braced herself for the words he was about to speak. “I leave tomorrow.” It was a simple statement that she knew held much more significance. She nodded. She still didn’t pull away from his chest. It felt too good. And it prevented her from having to look him in the eyes.

“I don’t want to be away from you. I know no matter what I say you’re still angry about what happened with that girl.” She was. “I know it, but I don’t want you to run to Philadelphia. I know I can’t make up your mind for you but I need to know if you’re going to be gone before I get back next week.”

“…I don’t know.”

“I have no right to ask you to stay. I know this as well.” When she didn’t say anything he didn’t take it as a bad sign. “You’re coming back for the spring semester though right? You can’t be gone more than a month.”

“I haven’t decided yet.” She found herself face to face with him, but it wasn’t her who had pulled them apart. “I’ll probably be back soon. For school. I just need time away.”

Sid knew that she wasn’t going to able to stay away from him. She was the one. It was that simple. And that meant she just couldn’t be away for too long…she had to know somewhere deep inside that he was the one for her too. If time was what she would need to realize that then he was willing to give it to her. Regardless of how hard it was for him.

“Can I ask one thing?” Sid asked her so softly she couldn’t say no. She slowly nodded up at him. “Can I stay the night with you? I-I’m not trying to seduce you into staying. I just want to hold you one last time.”

She opened her mouth to respond and started to shake her head, but instead of telling him she wanted him to leave she dropped her head and stared at the ground for a minute. She took a deep breath and met his gaze again. “Okay,” she nodded. She turned around and started to go to her bedroom but she didn’t grab his hand. Sid knew not to push her, she was so emotionally raw and confused that it wouldn’t be fair. Both of them awkwardly got ready for bed and met under the covers. As tense as she was and as much as she didn’t want to be near him, she couldn’t help but melt into him. Sid wasn’t sure if she would be the first to break their silence but he soon had his questions answered.

“I am still ridiculously upset about…” she didn’t want to say it. “Well, you know. I want to hate you for it. I don’t, but I want to. It put a damper on everything.” She quickly continued her sentence without so much as taking a breath. “And I realize that I’ve made my share of mistakes as well…I’m not perfect.” Sid wanted to interrupt her immediately and tell her she was perfect to him, but he opted to keep his mouth shut. “All I can say is that I’m sorry for messing with your feelings. I mean, I had no right to be upset about…it. I-I shouldn’t have even been there.” Pushing him away was what she needed to do to keep him from getting hurt. She did love him but she wasn’t right for him. At least that’s how she felt. And it might’ve been selfish to give him permission to curl up in her bed next to her, but she just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to feel him holding her for what would be the last time…possibly ever, in her mind. They both had responsibilities and commitments before they met, and marrying Mike was one of them. She was going to have to let go of Sid, but she wasn’t sure why she couldn’t shake the feeling that she wasn’t going to be able to. She loved him but she was marrying Mike. She should have been able to get over it.

Sid listened to everything she said. All he could think was how much Mike had fucked her up. There was no need to combat her or try to convince her she should be with him. Not tonight. If letting him stay with her overnight was all he could have for the moment then he would take it. It was something. It meant something. Sid knew that she loved him. It wasn’t a secret anymore. It was a matter or whether or not she would get the confidence to see in herself what he saw when he looked at her. He also knew that leaving the next day for his trip and not knowing if he’d get to see her before she left for Philly would kill him. Almost as much as not knowing how long she’d be gone.