Alone This Holiday

Worse was an understatement. Very much so. Even though I knew what was in front of me wasn't real, I couldn't help but be crying anyway. And gone was the anger from the spirit's face. She put a comforting arm around me, looking just as pained as I felt, "Listen closely, Bert."

"Today we gather here to mourn the loss of a man who will be m-missed by many. To me, he was a best friend as well as one of the hardest working, most artistic geniuses to ever grace this earth. To many of you, he was a brother, a friend, a hero, a lover . . . Gerard would not have wanted us to be sad for him. The ones who knew him best know this with a certainity. He viewed death as a celebration, as an escape from life that held nothing more for him. His lyrics and his voice will live on in infinite memory, a tribute to all things that were remarkable about him that many didn't even get the chance to see. I can't pretend to not know his reasons for leaving us without a final word, with no comfort other than the last time we saw him smile, but I can say that despite knowing he's better where he's at, I will miss him. We love you, Gerard. Rock on." This was Ray's final statement and the whole funeral home burst into tears. One by one, people filed up to look down on Gerard's snow white face. Mikey was being held down by Bob. It was obvious he'd want to try to go to his brother and stay. No two people were closer. Even knowing it wasn't real, I felt much the same way. Who wanted to live a life without Gerard?

Evidently not me. One girl who passed me, obviously unable to see me, murmured to the one at her side, "They say he just gave up and killed himself when he heard Bert did. Lover's suicide like he always wrote about. Well, that's kind of obvious."

The other girl nodded, "Do you blame him though? Even though they hadn't been together for years, everyone knows that he loved Bert. What did he name his first kid? Robert. And Libby let him."

"Of course she did. Wouldn't you, knowing your husband was more in love with someone he hadn't seen in five years than he was with you? You'd do anything to make Bob happy, Manda."

"Well. We're all to blame. None of us ever tried very hard to get them back together . . ." At this time, they were right up on the casket so they stopped talking.

I turned, "I'm ready to go now."

She nodded, her eyes sad and wide, "Yes. I thought you might be. Let's go."

On my couch, I cried as she rubbed my back. Finally, she sighed, "I have to be going, but I'm sure that you don't want that future for yourself or for Gerard. You want a good one, right?"

I nodded, "But would it be good if I did-?"

"I can't take you to anything that's not certain. Only that which I've showed you is certain if you continue the path that you're on now. And anything would be better than that." She disappeared before I could thank her.

Knock, knock, knock.

I stood and went to the door to see Jepha and Quinn there. Quinn hugged me, "Dude! I called like a thousand times! Are you okay?"

"Yeah, man, I'm fine. I was out. I took a long walk. Um . . . guys? I'm gonna go take a shower and then we need to talk." Okay, it wasn't that funny that Jeph pretended to be shocked at me offering to take a shower.

Quinn just grinned and nodded. When I got out of the shower, the pigsty I called a living room was straightened up. They were waiting eagerly for me to tell them what I had to say. I cleared my throat, "I really really need to get a hold of someone from My Chem."

"No shit." Quinn muttered.

I rolled my eyes, "Fine. Either Mikey or Frank. Not Gerard, Bob, or Ray." I sighed.

"Why?" Jeph frowned.

"Cause I'm a man on a mission and Bob wouldn't do me any good. He lives in Chicago. Ray
can't keep a secret and Gerard is the mission." Duh.

Quinn practically beamed his pretty blonde head off, "Come on! Please tell me you're not kidding. You're really trying to . . ."

I nodded.

He frowned now. Quick mood swings, "Are you drunk? Stoned?"

"Nope. Sober and straight. Well, you know." It's been a long time since I'd made a joke. At least Jeph got it.

He laughed, "Fine. We'll help. Get some clothes packed up. I'll call Frank. But you better not screw up, McCracken."

I just nodded again. No thanks. I'd done that enough for one life time.