You've Got to Hide Your Love Away

Adrienne paced the dressing room.

Amongst his rejected outfits strewn on the dirty carpet and the slow and steady roar through the arena Billie Joe had grown accustomed to, the soft padding noise of her nervous footsteps were the only real thing.

Billie watched as her hand moved to the back of her head to tangle with her dreadlocks in a look he knew too well. He sat in the folding plastic chair opposite to her and followed her across the room with his gaze. He was slouched over and resting his chin on the closed fist of his right hand in an attempt to hide the nerves brewing in his gut.

Adrienne came to a halt in front of him and he tilted his head to look her in the eye. He tried to feign mild interest and anticipation, but she saw through his facade.

“I know, Billie.”

“Know what?” He asked, knitting his eyebrows together and doing his best bewildered Bambi in the forest. impression.

She stared at the man in front of her, and realized for the first time that she might not know him as well as she thought – or maybe not at all. She had never felt more isolated and abandoned. And then came the rage. “Know what? I know about you and Ava, you lying son of a bitch.” The tone in her voice dared him to deny it and begged him to put everything back in its rightful place, where it would all make sense. Back when it was just him and her – no kids, no house, no record contract, just three twenty year old gawky kids who were a garage band at best : destined to spend their days working the drive thru at the In-and-Out-Burger and their nights playing shows to kids too intoxicated to care.. Even when he was across the country with full states or even oceans separating them, he was still just a phone call away. Now-with only the dim fluorescent lighting dingy carpet between them-he'd never felt further away.

“Did she tell you that?” He tried to muster up that righteous thunder in his voice, but it came out more like a shaky wind. The indignation was not there.

“Tell me it's not true,” She demanded and crossed her arms, blinking back the tears she could feel building.

His face was tired. He wiped a hand over his worn features as he sighed. Fucking sighed. Adrienne wondered if it was because he didn't care anymore or because he still did.

And that was just the icing on top of the motherfucking cake.

Until then, she'd clung to the minuscule gleam of that Ava was a crazy manipulative lying bitch who'd been through a few acting courses and that all of her instincts were dead wrong. That dream was shot to hell.

“I can't believe you,” She whispered and stared at him in disgust.

“Adie,” He went to stand and put an arm out to touch her but she side stepped out of his reach and shook her head.

“After everything that I've done for you, everything that I sacrificed to be with you-”

“I'm sorry,” He tried to interject into her anger, but she didn't even stutter.

“My career, my friends, my family – any chance at a normal life that doesn't involve raising two kids practically alone and seeing you when your schedule allows which is when, Billie, once in a blue moon and a couple of fucking holidays?”

“Adie-”

“Do you know what hell it is when you're not around for weeks, months at a time? When you're home everything's perfect because we don't want to waste the few precious moments of your time that we're worth with stupid arguments. But when you're gone? I've got some pissed off kids and I'm lonely as hell and I have to be the bad guy all the time while you get to be the hero. But I fucking do it. You know why? Because I love you, Billie. And I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I married you. But this-” She raised a finger and pointed it directly at him, “I did not sign up for this shit.”

Her words stung. Not because they were venomous or hateful or being fired at him like shrapnel from a machine gun, but because they were true, and Billie Joe knew he deserved every one of them. Guilt rose like a lump in his throat after dry swallowing a big pill. His head felt like it was going to burst from the pressure.

Her chest was rising rapidly with each angry intake of breath. Her eyes were dark as night and her cheeks were spotted with patches of hectic red. She was fuming.

“I know you didn't. And you don't deserve it. You've always deserved someone better than me. But I love you – I've always loved you – and I'm way too damn selfish to let you go and have something better than what I could ever give you.”

“I know that we'll always come second to music, Billie Joe. Music was a part of you before us, and I accepted that. But I don't understand why I'm not enough to even follow that, why you needed someone else too.” Her voice broke on the last part and he could feel his heart sink in his chest.

“Adie, you are enough,” His eyes pleaded with her, begged her to understand something that he himself couldn't even comprehend. His statement lacked the resolution he hoped it would bring.

“But...?” She trailed off, looking at him expectantly.

“But I dunno, I fucked up,” He tried the explanation, or lack thereof, out and both of them were unsatisfied.

It was quiet as the pair watched one another, wondering what else lay hidden below the surface of their marriage and whose line was next in the soap opera their lives had quickly become. Billie nearly jumped at the sound of Adrienne's voice when she spoke again.

“She's in love with you.” Her voice was quiet, but he could hear the pain in it better than when she screamed at him.

“I know,” He groaned back and cradled his head in his hands.

“Do you love her?” Adrienne asked with as much strength as she could muster and stared down at the top of his head.

He lifted his gaze to meet hers and watched the emotions flit across her face. “I love you.”

“That's not an answer, Billie.” She waited for him to give her the answer she wanted to hear, that it was just sex, no emotions attached. That would make it easier. When he didn't say anything, she felt her heart break all over again. “You do.”

“I don't even know what to think anymore.”

“Okay.” She let out a shaky breath and took a seat in the empty chair. She looked down at the floor and played with her hair then spoke slowly and quietly with trepidation. “We can go to counseling again, we can fix this,”

He stared at her with wide eyes. He couldn't figure out which one of them was crazier, him for cheating on his wife who loved him more than anything in the world, or her for still wanting to be with him after all the shit he'd put her through. He didn't know if they could come back from this one.

All the sudden he felt sick to his stomach.

“You still want me?” He asked her in shock. He could feel his head starting to spin.

“What do you mean?” She looked up at him, slightly alarmed but mostly puzzled.

“This,” He gestured between the two of them with a quick flick of his hand. “You still want to be with me, even after everything that happened?”

“Of course,” She looked both confused and offended in the same moment. “Billie Joe, when I married you, it was for forever.”

He took a deep breath to calm himself. He could feel his pulse beating out of time, feel his blood starting to rush. He closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

“Billie?” She asked, coming to his side to lay a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Are you alright?” She rubbed his back softly, but her touch only made his breath hitch in his throat again.

“I'm sorry, Adrienne, I need a minute.” He shot up from the chair and rubbed his aching temples.

“Oh- okay,” She tried to brush his outburst off but he could tell she was hurt.

He let out a breath and stopped to look at her again. “I'm sorry, I just, I can't do this right now. I need some air.” He tried to explain with a softer tone. She bit her lip and nodded, obviously disappointed. “I'll be back.” He promised quickly with a nod of his head.

And with that he took off out the door, down the hall and across the parking lot to break the promise he made to her only seconds before.