You've Got to Hide Your Love Away

Billie Joe knocked on the metal door of the bus with more urgency and force than he knew he had. He may have been surprised by the lack of dent in the metal, but the well deserved tell-tale pain shooting back through his hand didn't come as much of a shock.

He opened his mouth ready to let fly with the latest update to Ava, then clamped it closed when he saw an unamused blonde standing before him. He opened and closed his mouth a few more times before letting his lips form a soft “Hey.” Billie reached up to scratch the back of his neck nervously.

“Hey,” Danielle eyed him up and crossed her arms over her chest. When she'd stared him down long enough to get her point across she added, “You're kind of a douche bag.”

“I know.” He admitted after a few seconds of considering various replies and biting back some sarcastic remarks. He felt his stomach drop and started contemplating the walk back to his bus and away from those eyes.

“But,” She cocked her head to the side and looked at him. She searched his eyes for something. He gave her a blank stare back until she found whatever she was looking for. Satisfied, she added, “I'm going to let you in, and leave. I don't know what the hell is going on, but you had better fucking fix it.”

“I'll see what I can do.” He smiled his thanks and she rolled her eyes in reply. He brushed that off – he had more important shit to sort out right now.

Billie Joe walked through the abandoned aisle of the bus with trepidation. He hadn't exactly thought of some grand speech to make – but then again, he hadn't really thought he would need one. Ava sat in her bunk, back turned to him and knees curled up to her chest. A nearly empty beer bottle sat perched precariously on her knee. She ran her index finger over the smooth glass rim in slow, meticulously even circles as she stared ahead at the blank wall.

“Ava?” He beckoned softly. Those precise little circles didn't falter for a second at the sound of his voice. He sighed and moved to the other side of the bunk so that he could look at her, sat down on the bed, and ducked his face to meet hers. “Baby,” He said softly, placing a hand on her bare foot and giving it a comforting squeeze, “What's going on?”

She turned her gaze to meet his, her eyes blank and lips barely parted. She opened her mouth to say something, then stopped to gather her thoughts. That was a rare occurrence for libertine Ava. “What are you doing here?” She cast around the bus, confusion clear on her features - like he'd woken her from some sort of deep dreamless sleep. For the way she'd been staring at that wall, maybe he had.

“I told you I'd be back later, didn't I?” His hand rubbed the smooth skin of her foot and he immediately felt her tense up, toes curling inward and rejecting his touch. She gave him a look and he pulled his hand back into his lap. He had the good grace to look sheepish under her scrutiny.

“You've made a lot of promises you haven't kept.” She brushed her hair back only to have the unruly pieces fall back into place over her eyes. “What do you care, anyway?”

“Ava, don't do that-”

“Why not?”

“You know I care.”

“Did she kick you out and now you're over here trying to butter me up and salvage this?”

“The opposite, actually.” Ava's eyes shot up to meet his. He gave a hard laugh and scratched the back of his neck. “She fucking wants to work things out and see a therapist. Again. I couldn't take it, I had to get out of there.” He searched her eyes for permission to continue. “For good.” He spoke slowly, trying to gauge her reaction.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

The sudden voltage of venom in her voice threw him for a loop. “That wasn't obvious?” She watched him with wide eyes. “I want to be with you.” He reached up to cup her face in his hands. “Not Adrienne, not anyone else. You.”

She stared at him so long and hard he had trouble remembering the words that had just come out of his own mouth. “Billie, you can't.” She stated matter of factly. She put her hands on his forearms and pulled them away from her face and put them back in his lap.

“What are you talking about?” He sat back, the disbelief visible on his face. “I'm leaving her.” He elaborated more for his benefit than hers.

As if she hadn't gotten the message the first time.

She sighed and the noise broke something inside of him. She was emotionally drained and bone tired, and had been praying it wouldn't come to this. “Go back to your wife.”

“Ava, stop it, this is ridiculous-”

“I'm not fucking around, Billie.” The added volume in her voice gave him no reason to think otherwise. His mind stopped dead in its track and he shut his mouth.

“Tell me why.” He commanded with the most authority he could muster for lack of a better argument.

“Excuse me?” Her eyebrows raised towards the ceiling in synchronized indignation.

“If you're breaking up with me, you sure as hell better tell me why. I deserve a fucking explanation. And don't you dare bullshit me.”

“I don't owe you anything.” She fired back effortlessly.

“Bullshit, Ava. Don't think that you can act all pissed off out of nowhere and fuck with my head. I know you better than that. Now, what gives?”

Her eyes danced with his – his furious and dark, hers filled with contempt. A flash of desire came over her, spilling into her blood and making it boil under her skin. She shook off the burning sensation in her finger tips, but was powerless under the power of his jade green eyes that radiated with anger. Her anger abated faster than it had flared up. She broke. Ava sighed and her shoulders dropped. “I'm no good for you.”

“Bullshit,” He said again, putting his hands on her arms.

“I'm a taker, Billie. I don't have anything to give you. You need to be with your wife who's willing and ready to give you anything and everything at the drop of a hat.”

“Double bullshit. You've already given me more than you know.”

“Just give it a rest, Billie. It's not going to work.” Her voice was tired and resigned to something he couldn't quite place his finger on. The Tone – he'd heard it more times than he cared to count. Women, he inwardly scoffed at the thought of their mood swings and mind games he knew all too well. Ava may have won some before when she pulled that trick out of her bag, but she wasn't going to take this one. He would fight her to the grave.

“Why not? I'm going to leave her. Then it can be just you and me.” He stared at her, searching her eyes as she bit her lip and held back tears. “You don't trust me.” He concluded slowly with both resolution and disbelief. He didn't know why he was surprised, but that made it hurt all the more.

“No, it's not that.” She offered, and he believed her because she had never lied to him before. Especially not to spare his feelings.

“Is it because of tour and the bands?” He watched her with uncertainty. She bit her lip and violently shook her head. “Baby, I know I've fucked up, but we can do it long distance, I'm willing to work it out.” Hell, he was willing to jump through flaming rings into a heaping pile of dog shit if it meant winning Ava back.

“No we can't, Billie.” She shook her head and he jumped back like she'd burnt him. “Not now, anyway.” She gave a hard but quiet laugh.

“You're gonna have to help me out here. I'm a little lost.”

“Don't you see? It's always going to be you and me and this thing in between us! It will never be just us!” She threw her hands up in exasperation, trying her damnedest to make him understand.

“We can make it us, Ava! We can make it work!” He begged and the desperation was evident in his tone. Ava was unimpressed.

“Billie,” Her voice was calm yet slightly clipped. He paused in his fury to look at her. “If it weren't for me, would you ever even think about leaving your wife?” He raised his eyebrows. “I'm serious. Be honest.” She reassured him, her hand barely ghosting over the inked skin of his arm.

He tried to think back to a time before he met Ava. She'd shaken his world up so much that he had trouble keeping the proper footing to separate the past from the present. Then he remembered. He was happy, content with Adrienne. He came home after a day in the studio to a home cooked meal, two boys rushing to the front door and a kiss. With Ava, everything was a whirlwind - the highs were high and the lows were low, but that's was the best damn part of it all. “No.” He answered honestly after a moment of serious deliberation.

“You love her.” Ava conceded quietly but tried to shrug it off like it was just old news.

“Hey,” He caught her eye, “I love you.” He brushed her cheek bone gently.

“That doesn't matter.” She managed to stay strong despite how wonderful the simple gesture of his touch felt. She wanted to lean in to him, for him to touch her more, touch her everywhere. She shook off the thoughts as quickly as they'd come. “If you leave her for me, I'll always be the reason everything's so fucked up. You'll miss your kids. You'll miss your family. You'll hate me and make me resent myself. If you leave you have to do it on your own terms. You can't run away from something – you have to run to something.”

He sat back down next to her and looked at her with a new found pained resolve. “You're not going to budge on this, are you?” So much for fighting her to the grave, he thought fleetingly.

She smiled sadly and shook her head. “I did a lot of thinking since we talked earlier and-”

“That was only a few hours ago. How could you even make up your mind that fucking quick?” He felt a new sense of hope stir inside of him, and the slight gleam in his eye tugged on Ava's heart. She hated to do it, but she had to shut him down, fast.

“A lot happened. I talked to Adrienne-” She didn't miss the way he visibly cringed, “-and I know she's the girl for you. In another life, maybe we could have worked out, but not now. Not after all this.”

“You're the girl I want, Ava,” The words came out in an exasperated whine – not exactly the smooth James Dean impression he was hoping for. He knew he should really cut the desperate act, that shit never really appealed to Ava, anyway. On any other occasion, she probably would have threatened him, but right now, she was just as torn up and he knew it. She reached out to him and nestled her palm alongside the soft curve of his jaw, cupping his rough cheek in the smooth palm of her hand.

“But I'm not the one you need, Billie.” His face dropped and Ava felt a sharp pain in her chest. She wanted to reach out and smooth the crease on his forehead; she wanted to see his infamous smirk again, but it wasn't meant for her. She thought back to just a few weeks ago, when he'd broken her heart so bad that she'd wanted to make him hurt, make him pay. Not now. “You need to patch things up with your wife, she's worth fighting for.”

“What are you going to do?”

Ava shrugged, indifferent. “Whatever I did before.” She brushed off his concern with ease. As poised as that act was, Billie Joe didn't buy it for a second.

“I can't do that. Adrienne and I are-” He paused, what were they, really? “We're different now. You changed everything.”

“I just opened your eyes. Don't blame me because you don't like what you saw.” Her hand on his face tensed suddenly as she went on the defensive. He felt the muscles there clench against his skin.

“But I'm just supposed to go back? Are we going to pretend none of this ever happened? Just like that?”

“I'm not going to pretend it never happened.” Her voice sounded so hushed and small he was sure he'd hurt her. She dropped her hand from his face. “Is that what you want?”

He sighed and scooted closer to her on the bed. “You know I don't want that.” He opened his arms tentatively, hoping she would come into his embrace. She moved into his waiting arms, but she didn't snuggle closer to his body affectionately. He brushed her flopping bangs behind her ear and she looked up at him, still unsure and broken in the circle of his arms. He wanted to pull her body close and promise that everything would be alright, but he couldn't bring himself to lie to her. Not again.

“I just want to be with you,” She spoke softly into his t-shirt, her hands bunching up the fabric as she clung to him, breathing in his familiar scent. Memorizing everything she could about him. That much she was going to take with her.

He gave her a slow smile, but his eyes were clouded. “I know, baby.” He thought about her song. He really fucking knew. “And I understood. Every fucking word.” She didn't need to ask what he meant. He reached his thumb up to brush away the tear barely escaping from her eye.

“Prove it.” She tried to make her tone playful, but her voice broke at the end.

“Hm?” He murmured, giving her his full attention.

“Prove it to me, that you understand. Write me something.” She dared him with all the zeal she had left.

He dipped his face, his lips barely a centimeter from hers. She could feel them move when he spoke, his voice both soft and husky. “That's a tall request, I'll have to think about it.” She willed her lips to stretch into a small smile at that. “Aves, I'll write you everything.”

She pressed her lips against his one more time, the last time. She pulled away and buried her face in his skin, in his scent. “I love you,” She whispered against his neck and her lips gave him shivers. Somehow, they both knew those were her parting words. He was more confused about the future than ever before, but he was sure of two things; he would never talk to Ava or touch her again, and he would never go a day in his life without seeing her face.

“I'll always love you.”