You Can't Break a Broken Heart

Amara’s POV
I woke up with a smile on my face. This was the first day that I didn’t have to work at any of my jobs in a really long time. It was also one of the first times that I hadn’t been woken up by Aiden crying. I pulled on some clothes. Then, I walked over and noticed he was awake and staring at the mobile above his head, trying to reach for the moon and stars. I grinned and pulled him into my arms. “Hello baby boy,” he giggled happily as I brought him to the changing table. After changing his diaper and putting some clothes on him, we headed for the kitchen. I placed him in his high chair, and started warming his bottle. I also looked around the cabinets and began to write down what we needed. I also hooked up the slow cooker, and put in spaghetti sauce I’d had in the freezer. Mandy would be happy, she liked when I cooked Italian for us.

I finished my list, left the slow cooker off, and checked Aiden’s bottle. It was perfect, and I was thankful because I have never done it perfectly the first time. I fed Aiden and then carried him to the jeep, locking up behind me. I put him in his seat, tucked my phone into the cup holder and started the car. I headed to the store to get the items on the grocery list, thinking about whether I should call Mandy to see if she needs anything. I decided to wait until I was actually in the store. After parking and walking with Aiden into the store, I called her.

“Hey, I was about to call you,” She stated with a giggle. “I was going to ask if it was okay if I invited Brian over for dinner,” I could already see the blush on her cheeks. I agreed as I walked through the aisles. After about half an hour of shopping, we were standing in the checkout line. Aiden was getting restless and fussy. I smiled half-heartedly at my coworker, since I had gone to Albertson’s.

“Thanks Kari, I’ll see you later,” I smiled and walked out and headed for the car. After getting home, I ended up cleaning and turning on the slow cooker. I spent the rest of the morning playing with Aiden and watching some TV. I looked up as Mandy walked in, she looked quite aggravated. “What’s wrong?”

As soon as she saw me her face fell. “It wasn’t my fault. I’m so sorry,” She stated. “I invited Brian, and then some other people kind of got invited… So our dinner for three just went to a dinner for eight,” Mandy mumbled nervously, there was a look of fear behind her eyes. I couldn’t understand why, until it hit me like a ton of bricks. Adam.

I nodded and immediately walked into the kitchen to get away from her. I think I’d be okay, as long as he didn’t bring the blonde Barbie from work. Wait, I should be polite and call her by her name. Ellie. I rolled my eyes and continued to check the sauce and gets plates to set the table. Mandy went to ask me a question but I held up my hand. “Can you run to the Wal-Mart and pick up diapers. I totally forgot them,” I admitted sheepishly. She nodded with a concerned look on her face as I started placing plates. Mandy walked out the door and I put the plates down. I looked down at myself and sighed, deciding to take a quick shower, just to rinse off. Hopefully, I’d have time to shower again today.

I walked into my bedroom and smiled at Aiden who was playing with his mobile in his crib again. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a tank top, brushed my wet hair and left it down. “Wish me luck, Aid. I’m going to need it to keep my sanity through the night,” I whispered softly leaning in and kissing his cheek. He gurgled happily and reached his arms up, before attempting to sit up, and failing miserably. I giggled at his frown before pulling him up into my arms. I heard the door bell rang and closed my eyes. “Show time,” I whispered softly, wishing it was not so. I walked down to the kitchen and placed Aiden in his high chair thing.

“Thanks for inviting us,” I heard Ellie’s voice say in a perky tone. I almost cringed as I stirred the pasta. “The living room is so pretty,” She exclaimed in false excitement. I growled under my breath as I heard Mandy lead them to the couches. I sipped the water I had next to me as I listened to the quiet chatter.

“So what are we having?” Adam asked. I heard Mandy mumble a response and everyone smile. I sighed and smiled in relief as I realized it was almost finished cooking. I had loved that the dining room was attached to the kitchen, but right now I was regretting it.

I heard another knock on the door, and Mandy opened the door. I heard Zacky thank Mandy for letting them in. And Craig mumble an ow. “Dinner is ready,” I stated loud enough that I know they all heard. Mandy walked in first, followed closely by Brian who was shooting me an apologetic smile. I shrugged as everyone came in and grabbed a plate to pile spaghetti on. I pulled the garlic bread out of the over and set it out for everyone and looked up just in time to see Mandy shoot me a confused look.

“You’re not eating with us?” I shook my head as all eyes fell on me.

“I’m finishing up some homework and studying for my exams. I’ll catch you later,” I stated as I reached into the cabinet to grab pop tarts. Mandy frowned slightly, as I walked over to the high chair. “Let’s go study our little hearts out,” I told Aiden with a smile. “Cause this is exactly how I want to spend my first day off in four months.”

I made my way to my bed room and turned on the baby monitor. I knew that Mandy would have the one on that would allow her to listen in on me, so why not be able to hear her as well? I just made sure to turn it on low enough that she wouldn’t be able to hear herself. I placed Aiden on a blanket on the ground and laid next to him on my stomach. I had lied completely, I finished my homework the night before. I turned on my iHome and smiled sadly as ‘Only Fooling Myself’ started playing.

“But a rose won’t blossom from a ground, of desert sand , but I’d like to pretend that one day I’ll turn around. I’ll see your hand reach out. I’m only fooling myself, yeah yeah yeah. But maybe when you smile, it means you’d stay awhile. Just maybe you’d save me now,” I sang along with Kate’s meaningful lyrics. I heard Ellie say something about knowing that song from somewhere. I rolled my eyes, we had Kate in last week to sing at Fire and Ice. I smiled as the next song came on. Who didn’t love Rise Against?

I ended up singing along with the two last verses. “All because of you I haven’t slept in so long. When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean. Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down inside these arms of yours. All because of you I believe in angels. Not the kind with wings, no not the kind with halos. The kind that bring you home, when home becomes a strange place. I’ll follow your voice, all you have to do is shout it out,” I smiled as I looked over at Aiden who was staring me with a blank look. “What, not good enough for you?” I asked with a slight tone of teasing in my voice. He gurgled at me and took my finger in one of his little hands. I raised my eye brow and watched him giggle before promptly putting my finger in his mouth. I shook my head at him as the next song started playing.

Bree was going to appreciate this one. “Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort. Suffocation, no breathing. Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding. This is my last resort,” I sighed and let my eyes drift to my wrists where old scars from teenage years hid. I pulled my finger out of Aiden’s mouth and rolled onto my side so I was facing him. I frowned as I let my mind wander. Bree and Zacky had been texting back and forth a lot lately. “And the hits just keep on coming,” I muttered as ‘I’m Not Okay’ began to play. Aiden rolled over and crawled closer just to bite down on my arm. “I am not your chew toy little boy,” I told him with a chuckle. He reached out towards a photo album I had left on the floor and his hand landed on a picture of Frank. “He’s too nice to me Aiden, I don’t deserve this,” I let out a deep sigh and looked deep into his blue eyes.

I rolled back onto my back and paused the music as my phone began to ring. I hit talk and smiled as I said hello. “Mara!” I put him on speaker because I was feeling far too lazy to hold the phone to my ear. “What’s up? Eating dinner?” I glanced down at my untouched pop tarts.

“You could say that,” I stated as I opened my pop tarts. I heard Frank scoff.

“You’re eating pop tarts aren’t you,” I blushed a deep red and looked around the room expecting to see a camera or something. I even glanced at the window, wondering if he was looking in.

“How did you know that?” I asked as I caught a look at my red face in the mirror. “Are you hiding in my closet or something?” He laughed and told me he’d let me get back to what I was doing, and that he couldn’t wait to hang out with me. “I’ll see you later, Frankie,” I stated as I noticed Aiden’s eyes drooping. I picked him up and put him in his crib to nap and grabbed my iPod, popping a headphone into my ear and nibbling on my cookies and cream pop tart. I hummed along to the random song playing and frowned slightly at the one that came on as I entered the kitchen. I shrugged and reached into the refrigerator for a bottle of water. I hit next, unable to stomach listening to a Three Days Grace song with the asshole in my home. I found it funny that ‘I Won’t See You Tonight, Part 1’ came on.

“Cry alone, I’ve gone away. No more nights, no more pain. I’ve gone alone, took all my strength. I’ve made the change. I won’t see you tonight. Sorrow sank deep inside my blood. All the ones around me, I cared for and loved. Building up inside of me. A place of dark so cold, I had to set me free. Don’t mourn for me, you’re not the one to place the blame. As bottles called my name, I won’t see you tonight,” I once again found myself staring at old scars while biting my lip. I was such a fucked up teenager. I frowned at my thoughts and put my water down before sliding down against the cabinet and staring more intently at the faded scars. I heard Ellie ask what I was doing, but I knew Mandy wouldn’t know the answer. Not even Zacky knew, and he had been my best friend. I heard a knock on the door but was too out of it to do anything about it.

I looked up slightly as Adam’s shoes passed in front of me to go to the door. “No more warmth inside. Essence left my heart tonight. No more warmth inside. Essence left my heart tonight,” I mumbled as I heard Frank come in and felt him sit next to me.

“Whatcha looking at?” Frank asked taking my wrists in his hands. He looked down, and I guess he knew what to look for because he started running his fingers up and down the old scars. “When?” He asked with concern shining behind his hazel eyes.

“A long time ago,” I admitted super quietly. “I wasn’t the happiest of teenagers,” I mumbled softer yet. He nodded and pulled me into a hug, and kissed the top of my head. I looked up at him, and when our eyes met, I felt myself finally break down. I realized it was true when Frank ended up wiping a tear from my cheek. “I make the same stupid mistake each time. I should have… I should have cut deeper,” I stated quietly.