Too Blind to See It!

 
“They beat them before, they can beat them again Jenna. Don’t be so nervous.”
 
“This means so much to him Pheebs. He’s wanted this his whole life and now he’s there in Vancouver playing hockey for his country, in the freaking Olympics.” I couldn’t contain my excitement and being calm was not an option. Of course I couldn’t help but gush, swelling with pride at Zach making the team and living out his dream. I’d been beaming since he left for the Pacific North West, and Phoebe must have noticed because when she arrived to watch the gold medal game with me, she handed me a t-shirt that read: My Boyfriend Plays for Team USA.  She knows me too well.
 
I’d talked to Zach earlier in the day. He was incredibly nervous, but also excited. He was so proud of how far his team had come when no one even expected the US to make it to a medal round. This was by far the biggest game of his life, it far surpassed his success in World Juniors and the Devils couldn’t seem to get past round two in the playoffs to make a real run for the cup.
 
I was starting to feel heartbreak creep in with so little time on the clock and the US down by one goal. The determination on Zach's face showed how he felt personally responsible to keep his team in this game. Tears started to creep into my eyes with thirty seconds on the clock and a score of 2-1, a Canadian lead. But then the Miracle happened.
 
Who am I kidding, it wasn't a miracle, it was my boyfriend, it was Zach. He scored tying the game! Phoebe and I jumped up and down in excitement and relief. The game was going into overtime.  Zach had saved the day and  bolstered the hopes of not only his team, but an entire nation.
 
By now we all know how overtime went. Maybe it’s just me, but it was almost more heartbreaking because the team had come so close. Because Zach scored a goal that gave us hope, the disappointment felt worse. But the disappointment we felt as citizens of a nation defeated was nothing compared to the utter devastation I saw on Zach’s face, and the face of his teammates displayed for the whole world to see.  We weren’t even supposed to be there, we should have been eliminated rounds ago according to the analysts. Zach and his team proved them all wrong, but it would be little consolation to a group of guys who knew they could do it despite their critics.
 
“Well at least they got silver.” Phoebe said looking more down trodden than I’d expected. Somehow I didn’t think Zach would look at it that way.
 
He didn’t.
 
****
 
I didn’t hear from Zach that night or the next day, and I was sick with worry, regretting turning down his offer to travel to Vancouver with him. I could have been there for him. I could have done something to help. I didn’t see or hear from Zach until he showed up on my doorstep two days later at his expected time of return.
 
“I made you dinner,” I cooed to the man who stood broken in my arms.
 
“I’m really not hungry Jenna,” he replied, his face still buried in my neck.
 
I masked my disappointment, knowing how much Zach loved my cooking. I thought that cooking for him might cheer him up, but I was completely off base. “What can I do Zach? What can I do to make it better for you?”
 
He pulled away and looked down into my eyes. He looked so needy and vulnerable; I stood on my tip toes and kissed him softly, hoping for some reaction. He didn’t kiss me back, so I started to pull away. He stopped me, holding on to my arms, keeping me up on my tip toes. His lips came to mine this time hard and hungry. He’d felt so cold earlier, so distant that now I was just thankful to have him react to me. I let him take the lead. I just wanted to feel connected to him again, to feel like he was going to be OK.
 
His touch wasn’t soft and loving like I had grown accustom to. He was rough and moved so fast, walking me backward toward my bedroom and savagely tearing at my clothes.
 
I may have been a virgin, but I wasn’t naive. I know sometimes couples make love, and sometimes they have sex, rough carnal sex. I know that passion sometimes takes over and there’s no place for gentleness, that desire can be stronger than intimacy. I figure it’s healthy for this to go on between a couple, especially when it’s mixed in with bouts of intimacy and love, when making love is the norm. The intimate moments, the love, it's what makes a woman feel safe in situations where lust controls the act. This Zach was new to me, so forceful and rough, but I trusted him. I completely trusted Zach. My one fear…this is not how I wanted to lose my virginity.
 
When Zach had me standing in nothing but my bra and panties, his mouth on my collar bone, nipping and sucking, I confess, I felt like I was on fire. My body took over responding to his every touch. He didn’t bother unfastening my bra, opting instead to pull the material down exposing me to him. Without ceremony his mouth found my exposed nipple and he began sucking and then biting. I couldn’t help but release the moans that were building up.
 
Zach laid me down on the bed, my breast sore from where his teeth had plundered it. He stood over me for a moment and I wondered if he was collecting himself again, if he was going to turn back into the sweet gentle Zach I knew and loved. I couldn’t have been more conflicted. Jenna the virgin wanted the old Zach, the Zach that handled me like a china doll, but Jenna, the woman who just had a small taste of the extreme lust building inside her man, wanted him just like that. I watched as his eyes glossed over and he pulled down the other cup of my bra. He leaned over me, his fingers toying with the nipple that hadn’t yet been touched. Then he pinched down hard and I let out a squeal just as his mouth covered mine in a torrid kiss, if it could be called that.  I felt the wetness pooling between my legs. My body telling my brain to let him go, that he loved me, this was good, Mmmm very good.
 
I felt intoxicated, my judgment clouded as Zach’s mouth made its way down my body. His teeth nipped and his tongue licked in all the right places. I know I sounded like a whore, but I couldn't hold back. He wasn’t gentle when he thrust my knees apart, bent them and went to work between my legs, but my body loved it and I threw all my modesty out the window as I screamed out to him begging him not to stop. He worked me to a frenzy until my stomach tightened, and I lost complete control falling into the abyss of orgasm that was so good I could barely breath.

I don't know if I would have known my own name at that moment, the same moment when Zach had stripped down and crawled on top of me. I don't know how long he'd been talking, pleading, but I finally began to focus, not because of his words, but feeling Zach hard between my legs. "Please Jenna. Please," he said as things became more clear. "I need you Jenna, I need to be inside you."

Sill in a state of euphoria, I began to realize what he was asking, and my biggest fear was realized. I was about to turn down the man that I loved. I thought for sure when he asked I'd be ready. I thought it would be perfect. I didn't want it like this, nothing but a rage of hormones. I didn't want to have sex, I wanted to make love. If he would have just said it differently. If he had just said, "Let me make love to you Jenna." I would have said yes. I would have given myself to him, but he didn't. "Not like this Zach," I replied, hating myself for saying it.

His whole body tensed up and he froze over top of me. He looked hurt, dejected. I wanted to explain. I wanted to tell him that I wanted nothing more to make love to him, but just not like that. I wanted to feel loved and safe, and while I was thoroughly engrossed in what he'd been doing to me, loving the way my body felt; it didn't feel safe or loving. It felt dirty. It felt great, but dirty. I pushed him on to his back and kissed his mouth softly. "Not like this. I repeated, but that doesn't mean we have to stop." He didn't kiss me back, but I didn't give up. I used my tongue and my lips and my wandering hands until his lips began to move against mine again.

****
Zach laid beside me on my bed completely naked and breathing deeply from his recent orgasm. I wanted to know what he was thinking. I wanted to explain the reason for turning him down. He didn't seem like he was in the mood to talk, so I laid beside him also naked, and completely vulnerable. Now I was positive I wanted a sign of the sweet, loving, gentle Zach I was in love with. You can imagine my shock when he stood up and began dressing without so much as a word. "Zach? Is everything OK?" I could feel the panic starting inside me.

He finished pulling on his jeans and turned to face me. "Seriously? Are you seriously asking me that?" He'd never used that tone with me before. So hateful and mean.

I could feel the stinging in the backs of my eyes signaling the on slaught of tears approaching. I didn't know what was bothering him more, the fact that I'd turned him down or the loss of the gold medal and I felt silly even comparing the two. "You played amazing baby. Your team played amazing."

"We lost Jenna."

"You won the Silver. That is an amazing accomplishment. You should be so proud…"

He cut me off before I could continue. "You win the gold. You win the bronze. You lose for silver. We lost. My team lost. Silver is a fucking consolation prize."

I tried to reach out for him, but he shrugged away, breaking my heart. "I'm sorry Zach." I couldn't think of anything else to say and the tears slid down my cheeks.

My words were no consolation, and now fully dressed he turned to me. "What are you sorry for Jenna? That my team fucked up the chance of a lifetime or that at the time I needed you most you said no."

"Zach," I pleaded but he didn't let me finish.

"Stop. Just stop Jenna! I can't do this."

I threw my t-shirt over my head and ran toward him as he headed toward the door. "Zach wait. Let me explain."

He stopped and turned an evil glare in my direction. "Explain what? Explain that I begged you to let me make love to you and you said no. That you don't trust me enough?"

"That's not what you wanted tonight Zach and when you cool down you'll see that. Tonight wasn't about love, it was just sex."

"No Jenna, it wasn't sex. It wasn't. It's what we do instead of sex because you don't trust me." I was breaking down right in front of him. I couldn't keep it together. But he pulled no punches. "This…I can't do this!" he said pointing to me and my tears. "I have too much to deal with, too much!" He ran his hand through his hair. "I need a break Jenna. I need space." He walked through the door without looking back, closing it behind him.

I fell to my knees in the middle of my living room floor. Sobbing. Feeling as though I'd lost everything. Everything I'd ever wanted just walked out the door. Somehow my Zach left for Vancouver, and someone else returned.

****

"Jenna, let me talk to him. I'll pull his head out of his fucking ass and straighten him out."

I gave her a smirk, knowing she'd actually do it. "Thanks Phoebe, but I need to handle this myself."

"There are ways to take care of men like that Jenna."

"What are you suggesting? I hire a hit man? Get him some lead shoes?" I laughed at her. "I'm not sure that's gonna help the way my heart feels these days."

"That's not what I'm suggesting at all. I'm suggesting that you buy some sexy lingerie and walk around in it, let him know what he's not going to be able to touch cuz he's such a fucking douche bag."

"That's not gonna work either. It's been almost two weeks. He hasn't stopped by or called. He hasn't even texted."

"Seriously… Let me go…"

I cut her off "NOoooo! Seriously. I know you Pheebs and I don't want you to say anything. He's not himself. The playful Zach who teases right back with you isn't here. That Zach never came back from Vancouver. He's still really hurting over the Olympics loss."

"He's sulking is what he's doing, but it's not cuz he lost a piece of medal. It's cuz he got cock blocked."

"Phoebe!" I scolded. "That's not what it is."

"Damn right it is, at least part of it. You bruised the boy's ego. I'm willing to bet your Prince Charming hasn't been told no very often. Maybe never. He's behaving like a spoiled brat. Though I'm guessing you picked a really rough time to turn him down." She looked at me through her eye lashes.

"What was I supposed to do? Give in because he'd had a rough go of it? Should I have just let him fuck me Pheebs?" I was starting to get upset. Sensing it, Phoebe had her arms wrapped around me in no time. "That's what it would have been, fucking. If he asked me to make love I would have said yes."

She gave me a squeeze, which helped me to understand that I had her support. Something that was very important to me. "I think you did the right thing Jenna girl. I think you did the right thing," she cooed. She held me for a few seconds before she said, "You know…something good did come out of this."

"Yeah what?" I replied skeptically.

"You said Fuck." We laughed still in our tight embrace and I knew at least I had Phoebe.

****Zach's POV

Two weeks. It had been two weeks since I talked to Jenna. I know I was an ass, a real bastard. I had so many regrets about the Olympics, about that night. I wish I could do the whole fucking thing over again, but I can't and now here I am. Stuck between my pride and making things right with a woman that I'm madly in love with. It seems so easy, just knock on the door grab her up and apologize, but it wasn't. This wasn't a simple fight. I was a nasty fuck and I fought with her… about sex of all things. I pushed her to do it, something I promised I'd never do, then I did my best to make her feel bad that she'd said no.

I was just like every guy out there. Why the hell would she even want me now that she knew the truth? She wasn'tlike other women, women that would let me treat them that way, and then turn around and beg me to come back, just because I'm Zach Parise. That's what I love about Jenna, my Jenna. I know she shouldn't still want me after what went down, but I'm holding out hope. I hoped that over the months that we'd been together she'd found some redeeming quality in me that would make her still want to be with me.

Each and every time I've stepped off the elevator and walked past her door on the way to my apartment I've had a plan, a plan to make things right. To stop and apologize. I was prepared to grovel if I had to, beg for her forgiveness. Every time I stepped off the elevator I'd think I have the balls to do it, but my legs seemed to carry me past her door. I kept thinking if I could just catch her in the hallway, If I could just see her face to face, I wouldn't be such a pussy. I'd make it right with her.

The elevator opened again and this time I was confident. I'd knock on her door and win back her trust; she'd end up in my arms where she belonged. I stepped into the hallway, but I wasn't alone. There was a tall guy, maybe six three wandering the floor. "Can I help you?" I asked. The guy was clearly a soccer player. He was sweaty and was carrying a football, as the Europeans like to call it.

"Yeah," he replied and gave me a smile like I was saving him from a fate worse than death. I know guys don't check out other guys, but I'm not blind. He was tall with sandy blond hair, well built in a soccer player way. He had a cocky way about him and I could tell this guy surely didn't have any trouble getting laid. He looked like a real player. I smirked remembering those days at NoDak. "I think I got turned around. I'm looking for Jenna Anderson's apartment."

All of a sudden the pretty boy beside me felt like the enemy. I wanted to kick his ass and throw him back on the elevator. I'd keep the soccer ball and hand it to Jenna telling her that her soccer player left the building, but I was still here. "What do you want with her?" I asked my tone turning icy.

Before he could answer, Jenna's door swung open and she popped her head innocently into the hallway. Her eyes went wide when she saw me. "Zach!" she said in surprise. Was that guilt I heard in her tone? She seemed to get over her shock however and her next words called out to the soccer stud that stood beside me. "Aidan. Glad you found it. I'm over here." She was talking to him, but her eyes were set on me as Aidan brushed me on his way past. She broke eye contact and without another word stepped back into her apartment. Her new friend Aidan turned back toward me and threw me a healthy smirk before following her and closing the door behind him.

Fuck Me! Now what do I do?