Too Blind to See It!

Sitting at a table in a club with flashing lights, mind numbingly loud music, the unavoidable smell of sweat and beer surrounding me, watching Phoebe grind against some unsuspecting schmoe was not my idea of a good time. The only comforting thought was this time I wore normal clothes not some slutty French maid get up. I sipped my fruity cocktail praying for the night to come to an end. I wondered how Phoebe could do that, press her body against someone like that without even thinking about Travis, the man she at least seemingly was having regular sex with. I could never be Phoebe. I could never do what she does, yet there was a certain freedom she had that I longed for.
 
I worried about everything, Phoebe goes with the flow and has fun doing it. I planned everything out before I did anything, She was spontaneous and got caught up in the moment.  I was reserved and skeptical and she threw caution to the wind. I always said and did the right thing, Phoebe said and did whatever she wanted. I made a heavy sigh and watched the guy, who looked like a college kid, grope Phoebe. I finished my drink and asked for another hoping the liquor would make the waiting a little easier to bear. Why I came to places like this with her was beyond me. She always left me to go off with some guy. She’d bring me here under the premise that we needed some girly party time, then I’d watch as some naive man would make a move on her.  You always hear about how women go to these places looking for their future husbands, you never hear about the men. Men who walked through the door for a good time a good thrill were needy in Phoebe's grips. I got my share of offers too, but I'd rather pay for my own drinks. Thank you very much. Phoebe would sit with me and we'd chat and giggle until she couldn't stand it anymore. The aura of bodies meshing and thumping music was too much for her and the next Tom, Dick or Harry that hit on her was going to get a thrill, at least on the dance floor. So I'd sit there and drink my drinks turning down invitations that ranged from buying me drinks, to dancing, to letting him go down on me under the table. That guy got a nice handprint on his face. 
 
I do know why I stayed. I stayed because I'm the level headed one. The one with a plan. The one that will keep her from going home with a serial killer. The one that calls a cab instead of driving drunk. I sighed again finishing up the second drink. The things I do for that girl. 
 
Maybe clubs wouldn't be so bad if I was here with someone I cared about, someone I actually wanted to smash my body against. (Another thought I'm glad Phoebe didn't hear.) With the right person, dancing like that would be fun, sexy, hot. I blushed because the person I pictured doing that with just walked through the door. Zach and Travis walked into the club and there was no question they were looking for someone. 
 
What were they doing here? I'd spent hours earlier telling Phoebe how I planned to put some space between Zach and I. I told her in order to stop this silliness I needed to spend less time with him. We needed to move back to casual friends instead of spending every free moment together. She obviously didn't listen because of all the clubs in the area, Zach was in this one at the same time as me. Coincidence? I think not.
 
I should have known Phoebe would pull something like this. She went on and on about how impractical it was to avoid him, we do live in the same building, and if I wasn't planning to tell him I was avoiding him (which seemed like the oddest of ideas) Zach would keep knocking on my door for lunch and idle chit-chat. 
 
"Don't avoid him Jenna. Kiss him," she advised.
 
"What? No. I'm not going to kiss him."
 
"You can tell a world of information from a first kiss. You can tell if he's worth the trouble of pining over. You can tell if your actually attracted to him or if your attracted to the idea of him.  You can tell when his head moves below your belly button he'll be able to…"
 
"PHOEBE!"
 
"I know. I got carried away. Maybe he'll be a horrible kisser and you'll never think of him that way again."
 
"Kissing Zach is a horrible idea." I protested.
 
"You're just afraid it's going to seal your fate. You'll kiss him and you'll know once and for all that Parise's the guy. He's your Prince Charming."
 
I argued with her about it a bit telling her I wouldn't kiss a guy who had a girlfriend, but she was right. I already knew if I ever kissed Zach, that would be the end of me. I'd be ruined for any other man that ever came along. There would be no kissing and I was sticking to my plan, put space between Zach and I, except Zach had spotted me sitting there and was on his way to the table, Travis in tow. 
 
"Hey gorgeous," he said nonchalantly taking a seat in the booth. He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I finished my drink in one big gulp.
 
Travis didn't sit down; his eyes searched the place looking for the woman who was the current object of his affection. I could tell when he spotted her because his eyes widened, and his mouth curved downward. "Who's the guy?" He asked no one in particular, but I was the only one equipped to answer.
 
"No one important, I can assure you of that."
 
"She looks like she's having a good time." His tone was bitter and jealous.
 
"Did she invite you here?" I asked.
 
His eyes still hadn't left her. "No, but she told me she'd be here."
 
"That's as close to an invitation as anyone get from her Travis."
 
He rubbed his chin, and continued staring. Zach and Travis ordered beers and I ordered another fruity thing that Phoebe had ordered for me originally. Luckily the waitress knew what it was. 
 
"Where's Allison?" I asked, not really wanting an answer.
 
"Not sure," Zach replied, and I noticed the look he exchanged with Travis. Obviously he was omitting some piece of information that would make me better understand the situation. It was none of my business, I decided and focused on my third drink.
 
So for about half an hour Zach and I talked while Travis hung over the booth watching Phoebe have at it with random boys on the dance floor. "Why don't you go dance with her?" I asked.
 
"Who?" he asked trying to perceived as cool and non affected by what he saw. 
 
"The person you've been staring at since you got here. Just go dance with her. She wouldn't have told you we were going to be here if she didn't want to see you."
 
"No. She's having a good time." and for maybe the first time that night Travis turned around to look at Zach and I.
 
"Well aren't you the cutest little couple," he said.
 
I hadn't realized it, but Zach's arm was around the back of the booth. It wasn't touching me, but it was around me.
 
"What's the matter there Parise? Afraid someone's going come by and snatch her from you?"
 
Zach and I both laughed it off. Travis looked back toward Phoebe and Zach's eyes connected with mine. He held my gaze for a long time. Even with the distraction of the flashing lights, the thumping music and the hundreds of bodies around us, there was no one in that moment but us. I felt as if I could see inside his soul, and what I saw gave me goose bumps. It also made me wonder what in the world he was doing with Allison, when he was looking at me like this. As soon as I realized I was seeing right though him, through every wall he had up, through every one of his good intentions, I also realized he could do the same to me. If I could get all that from a look, he could surely do the same. I quickly looked away feeling much warmer than only moments ago. The whole distance thing would have been great right about now. When I looked up I noticed that Phoebe was dancing with some guy but her eyes were on Travis. She was taunting him. I shook my head, and moved out of the booth. 
 
"Where are you going?" Zach asked.
 
"To dance and you're coming with me." I didn't wait for a response. I grabbed Zach's hand and pulled him up to his feet. What Phoebe was doing wasn't fair, and I planned to put an end to it. "You're coming too Travis," I said and now both boys followed me to the dance floors without argument. 
 
I chose a place not far from Pheebs, close enough that she could see us, but far away enough that she'd be too curious to stay where she was. I had no idea if Zach could dance, but the second we hit the dance floor he took charge. His hands were on my hips in what seemed like an effort for everyone around to know I was exclusively his dance partner, well except for the Travis who was grinding just a bit into my back side. I laughed at myself practically bumping bodies with two gorgeous hockey players. What some girls wouldn't give to be in my place. 
 
Zach moving against me caused me to remember what Phoebe had said about kissing and dancing and how that translated to the bedroom. I actually found myself blushing, wondering if she was telling the truth or just saying it to tease me. I know I shouldn’t have been thinking of Zach that way, but then I probably should have stopped at two drinks.
 
I was completely right about Phoebe, there was no way she was going to let us have fun like that without her, and seconds later she was beside us checking out our moves. "Damn you guys look hot. I'd do you. All of you!," she yelled over the music.  I rolled my eyes at her and then scowled as she pulled Zach from in front of me and started dancing with him. The moment was priceless as Phoebe danced around letting her hands rub up and down his chest and back while she circled him like a vulture about to attack a harmless kitten. Zach who was easily twice her size looked terrified. Travis filled in the hole left by Zach's absence and man could he dance.  
 
"So Prince Charming when are you going to make an honest woman out of my Jenna?" Phoebe asked him.
 
Before he could respond I yelled at her for the comment, but the tone lost all affect being drowned out by the loud music. 
 
"You know how cute you two would be together. You'd have amazing babies!"
 
Since my yelling didn't help I reached over and pulled Zach away, physically replacing him with Travis. "OK you don't have to get grabby." Phoebe said. "I was going to give him back, Gawd."
 
"Thanks, she scares me a bit." Zach confessed only loud enough for me to hear.
 
"She should." I giggled.
 
I vaguely recalled wishing earlier for someone that I'd like to smash my body against and it appears as though my wish had come true. I reminded myself that he has a girlfriend, but I'm only human and to say that he was driving me insane with the way he moved against me would be putting it mildly. I never knew dancing could be so erotic, but the way he touched me, yet managed not to cross that line was making me want him more. His hands fluttered down my bear arms before he turned me and pulled my backside into his front. My mind exploded as the memories of my dream came flooding back, and I wished that I could recreate the scene in real life. He lifted my arms over my head, up into the air then trailed his fingertips down my arms and down my sides. It was almost more than I could handle, and it's probably the single most sexiest thing a man has done to me in real life.
 
I turned away hoping to catch Phoebe and plead for her help. I needed something that would snap me from these feelings that were overwhelming me, but when I looked toward them Phoebe and Travis they were in full out make-out mode, their lips attached and Travis's hands up her shirt. That is until Travis bent his knees and rubbed up Phoebe's bare legs from her knees to thighs and under her short skirt. That was definitely not helping my situation. It took everything in me to not scream at her that this is not the place.
 
All my attention went back to Zach though, who turned me again to face him. He was getting sweaty and his already sculpted t-shirt started clinging to him, yet another thing that wasn't helping my cause. This time he pulled me forward closing the distance between us so our chests were pressed together. I seemed to lose all rational thought and a bit of reservation as my stomach filled with butterflies. I'd never physically been this close to him and despite the sweat I couldn't help noticing how good he smelled. My hands hit his chest and worked their way around his neck until my fingers went into his hair ruffling the short buzz cut on the back of his neck. My touch must have sparked something in him because his movements slowed a bit and he looked down into my eyes. I bit my lip as his face came closer. I was sure he was going to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me, I didn't want him to kiss me. I didn't know what I wanted, but when his lips settled on my forehead I felt desperate and empty. He put his hand in mine and walked me back to toward the booth.
 
I was utterly disappointed with myself for wanting him to kiss me so badly. I tried to remind myself that the reason I liked him so much was because he wasn't a cheater. He told me that. What was wrong with me that I wanted his lips on mine when they belonged to someone else. I felt as if I could cry, partially because I was ashamed of my feelings for him and partially because my feelings hadn't changed. I wanted that kiss. I need to get away from him. I couldn't sit and have idle chit-chat with him now. As if I'd willed it upon myself, I was about to slide into the booth when a strange hand wrapped around my arm. "Hi beautiful. How about a dance?" 
 
He was tall and blond and not altogether bad looking. Under normal circumstances I would have rejected him flat, I don't dance like that with strangers. But today was not normal circumstances, I was yearning for a man I couldn't have, and this blond boy was my way out.  I didn't answer at first. My eyes shifted to Zach and I could see on his face that he was silently begging me to say no. "YES" I said more enthusiastically than I would have liked, but my eyes stayed on Zach. Some part of me wanted him to know how hurt I felt. Before he could say anything the blond boy was leading me away from my Prince Charming and into the pit of thumping bodies they call a dance floor; his grip on my arm remaining steady.
 
"I'm Greg." he said and thrust his body against mine, already grinding himself into me. I tried to ignore it and just focus on clearing Zach out of my head. Of all the guys I could agree to dance with why did I have to get the one with the roaming hands?
 
"Whoa there." I said and pushed him back a bit trying to give myself a bit of space and keep his hands off my rear end.
 
"What? I saw you grinding against that guy in there. You didn't seem to mind then."  
 
I turned to walk away, knowing immediately what a bad choice I had made, but Greg grabbed my wrist and pulled me back to him holding me there tight against him. I was pushing him in the chest, but the harder I pushed, the tighter he held me there. "Come on baby. I'm just looking for a little fun. You seemed so eager before. Just let yourself go." Now his free hand started wandering under my shirt.
 
My back was to Zach, so there was no way to get his attention. My eyes searched the dance floor for Phoebe and Travis, but They were too wrapped up in each other to notice me squirming. I was Trying not to panic but the neanderthal started making his way further up my shirt. I did what any self respecting girl would do. I lifted my knee and went right for the family jewels. That did the trick as he bent over releasing his grip on me. "You Bitch!" he yelled and grabbed me yet again. Now I saw Phoebe and Travis heading toward me and even though his grip was hurting me, I knew the cavalry was coming and felt a huge rush of relief. Before Travis and Phoebe could reach me, I turned and saw Greg hit the dance floor  hard. My heart thumped in my chest. "I hope you learned your lesson. Keep your hands off women who don't want to be touched." My mouth hung open but Zach didn't give me time to say or do anything he grabbed my hand and pulled me straight out of the club. 
 
We reached the chilly air of the November New Jersey night, and stopped as soon as we reached the clearing of the crowd. 
 
"Are you OK?" he asked, his hands on my bear arms.  I didn't say a word just nodded and watched him in awe. All the dancing and grinding we did didn't compare to the way I was feeling at that moment. Seeing Zach come to my rescue like that gave me feelings I'd never had before. I wanted to leap into his arms, I wanted pull him into that kiss that I didn't get earlier, I wanted him to be mine.  
 
He rubbed his hands up and down my arms trying to push away the goose bumps. What he didn't realize is that he was creating them. "Jenna," he said softly. I didn't say anything I just looked into his eyes. They sparkled like they do when he talks about hockey. Zach's eyes always betrayed him and I could see he felt this too. “Did you drive?” I shook my head no, still caught up in the moment. He wrapped one arm around me and pulled me in closely as we made our way his car.
 
The ride home was silent, except for the conversation I was holding with myself. My head was telling me that Zach has a girlfriend, and if he was really interested in me, he would have left her. My heart was telling me that there was more to it than that. Zach looked at me the way he did because he has feelings for me. My internal struggle was wearing me down, and I was starting to lose control of the way I felt for Zach. I’ve always been in control. That’s just who I am, Jenna who does the right thing and thinks before she does anything. Falling for Zach is not part of my plan, it’s not the right thing and all rational thought tells me to stay clear. The emotional part of me says to hold on to him for dear life. Men like him don’t come along every day.  He could be the one.
 
“We’re here.” Zach said springing me from my internal battle.
 
“Oh, right. Sorry.”
 
“Are you sure you’re OK?” He looked worried.
 
“I’m fine Zach. Thanks.”
 
There was no discussion about whether he was coming in, he just did. I excused myself and changed into flannel pajamas, still feeling the chill of the night on my skin. By the time I returned to Zach I noticed his shirt was un-tucked, soft music was coming from my ipod speakers and Zach was in kitchen looking at the bottles of wine. “Red or white?” he asked.
 
“White.” I replied and smiled at how comfortable he’d become in my apartment. He brought the opened bottle of wine and two glasses and sat them on the coffee table. I sat down on one end of the couch while he poured the wine. “I hope you don’t mind me making myself at home?  I like being here. It’s comfortable.”
 
I liked him being here too. “Of course I don’t mind,” I replied looking over at him on the other end of the couch.
 
He had that look again, and I could see the slightest trace of his dimples. He slipped off his shoes and stretched his legs out on the couch. “Come here,” he said pulling me between his legs so my back pressed against his chest. His arms wrapped around me, and I shut my eyes tightly just savoring the moment. “I’m glad you’re Ok,” he whispered into my ear.
 
“I’m glad you were there to save me. Thank you Zach.” I couldn’t have meant those words more. I know Phoebe and Travis were there and would have helped me out, but I’ve never had a man come to my rescue like that.
 
His grip on me tightened. “You don’t have to thank me. I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to you.”
 
Was that really the kind of thing you say to a friend? Was he holding me the way you hold a friend? His lips pressed against the side of my head; is that what you do with a friend? Maybe. Maybe on all counts. I was really getting sick of maybes.
 
“Jenna? Can I talk to you about something?”
 
“Sure anything.” I settled my head into the crook of his neck.
 
“I think Allison is cheating on me.”
 
“What? Really?” I asked pushing away slightly to look up into his eyes. I acted surprised, but I’m not sure that I was. What kind of woman would leave their boyfriend, their amazingly gorgeous, incredibly sweet, boyfriend like Allison does. Deep down I’ve always know something wasn’t right there. But to cheat on Zach.
 
“I’ve suspected it for awhile now.” He let out a sigh.
 
“I’m sorry Zach. I don’t understand how anyone could cheat on you.”
 
He let out a somber little chuckle. “I’m not perfect Jenna.”
 
“You seem pretty perfect to me.” I don’t know if it was the wine talking, the fruity drinks from earlier or just the way my heart felt, but the words slipped from my lips before I could stop them.
 
He chuckled again. “You might think so, but I must have done something to make her cheat.”
 
I pulled away and turned to face him. “You’re not seriously blaming yourself are you?”
 
“I don’t know. This relationship has been falling apart for a long time now. I’m holding on to something from years ago, and it just doesn’t exist anymore.
 
“I’m really sorry Zach,” I replied and wanted desperately to know what he intended to do about it. Was he going to end it with Allison? How terrible was I that I was praying for that result. She was so wrong for him. Wrong in every way imaginable.
 
He pulled me forward so now I was laying on his chest. I breathed him in and closed my eyes wishing I could stay like this for the rest of my life. I wanted to make this better for him, to make his hurt go away.
 
“You have nothing to be sorry for. You’ve been amazing.”
 
He ran his fingers though my hair with one hand and held me tight to him with the other. I knew deep down that I shouldn’t be laying with him like this, even if his girlfriend is a cheating whore. Not only was it wrong, it wasn't good for me and my newly peaking feelings for him. No part of me wanted to move away from him though, not even the part that told me I shouldn’t be doing it. I hoped that the wine would make us sleepy or at least give me an excuse to fall asleep in his arms. It's doubtful that my pounding heartbeat would allow me to actually find sleep being this close to him. I didn't get the chance to find out, as my door burst open and Phoebe and Travis stepped inside. Zach and I both jumped at the intrusion, but rather than flying apart, his arms tightened around me as we sat up.

"What are the two of you up to?" Phoebe asked slyly with a knowing grin on her lips.

"She's fine see! I told you Parise was with her," Travis whined.

"Zip it. She's my best friend." Phoebe stood beside me in seconds, pulling me from Zach's arms

"Are you OK?" she asked hugging me tightly.

I giggled. "Yes Pheebs. I'm fine. Thanks to Zach. It wasn't that big of a deal."

"Not that big of deal? Where's my Jenna? You know the one that would be freaking out about now. The one that would be ripping my head off for taking her there in the first place. The one that would find no humor in being molested by a lumberjack."

"Well it wasn't funny, but Zach was there and I'm fine really. Except your crushing me a little bit."

She released me from her death grip and looked back and forth at the two boys, Zach still sitting on the couch and Travis leaning back against the door. "You two out!" she commanded pointing between them.

"What?" Travis asked.

"You heard me. Get out both of you. I need some alone time with Jenna."

Zach looked at me with a disappointed glean in his eye. He stood and walked over to the door.

Travis was a bit more openly disgruntled. He met her half way to the door and pulled her into him by the hips. "Come on baby. Don't make me go." Travis cooed moving his hands to her rear and giving it a good squeeze.

She leaned up put her lips on his and gave him one of those kisses that you see in movies. The kind that get you a little worked up just watching it. "Another night Cowboy," she said and sent the two of them on their way.

When the door was firmly shut and the guys were gone, Phoebe turned to me with her hands on her hips, tapping her foot.

"What?" I asked

"First some dude attacks you on the dance floor, you're perfectly fine with that, then I walk in here and you and Prince Charming are all sprawled out on the couch lovey-dovey? Do you see anything wrong with this picture? What happened to 'I don't dance with strangers?" What happened to 'He-has-a-girlfriend?' What happened to Snow White who doesn't take kindly to being groped by her neighbor?"

"He wasn't groping me Pheebs." I wanted to give her further explanation, tell her exactly what was going on, but I'm not sure I knew myself.

"That's all you're going to say? He wasn't groping you?"

"I know, I'm terrible. I know. I shouldn't have let him hold me like that. I should tried to keep my distance, stuck to the plan, but Pheebs!" I flopped down on the couch and Pheebe joined me.

She could read me like a book. I didn't need to say anything. "That was pretty fucking hot watching him punch that guy out for you. Then he drags you out of there. Very sexy. Do you need to go change your underwear?"

"Phoebe!"

"Please Jenna. Please just admit that it was hot as hell. Admit that he's perfect for you, that no man comes to a woman't aid as quickly as that if he doesn't feel something. Just admit that you're panties are wet."

"Stop! OK, I admit it was hot, really hot." I put my head in my hands.

"What is it baby?" she asked rubbing my back sweetly, like she was my real sister and not one that I'd adopted and clung too for years now. "Hey I gave up sex for you tonight, spill it!" she said in typical Phoebe fashion.

"I like him Phoebe." I turned my head to look at her, and she had that look. The one that said even though we were polar opposites, she got me. She knew my heart was bursting and that Zach made me feel things I never felt before. She understood that I wouldn't let someone hold me like that if we didn't have more than friendship, and for the first time I was pretty sure we had more than friendship. I'm glad she didn't make me say those things, because if I did it would all be real.

"So now the question Jenna girl, the question you need to ask yourself… What are you going to do about it?"

****
I didn't have a plan, but I knew I needed to see him. My lack of sleep and Phoebe's words that echoed over and over again "What are you going to do about it?" made it clear. I put conservative reserved Jenna on the shelf, and I was going to see him. Asking him to come over for breakfast seemed like the way to go. I'd never been nervous to see him before, but my heart rate was rapid and I put lip gloss on. Lip Gloss for breakfast? I took a deep breath and set out down the hallway toward Zach's apartment.

I stood outside his door and took a deep breath, lifted my hand and knocked. That's when I heard her voice, the giggles. "Stop. Baby stop," she said. I could feel my heart breaking. Of course Allison was there. I turned to leave but froze as she said, "Again?" more giggles. "God you're amazing" more giggles. "Just give me second. I'll get rid of whoever it is." That's when I should have sprinted down the hallway, but my feet wouldn't move. The door flung open and there was Allison. She wore Zach's dress shirt fastened with only one button. Her hair was a mess and she smelled like sex. I closed my eyes for a second and prayed she wouldn't see the tears.