I Caught Myself

Waking up this morning was disappointing because when I drew back my curtains a miserable, gloomy overcast rainy day was revealed. Weather like today limited plans for the day, time passed so slowly and it was a struggle to fight boredom. Alex had called Jack, Rian and Zack to have band practise at his house though Jack and Izzy already had plans to go shopping for outfits for Jack’s cousin’s wedding. I received a call from Alex, “What Gaskarth?!? I answered with a sharp voice smiling at my prank.

“Come hang at mine, Zack and Rian are already here.” he demanded ignoring my ‘greeting’.

“Mmm, Maybe. I might already have plans…” I lied just to annoy him.

“Alright, cool. We’ll see you in ten. Byee” he hung up before I could protest.

I drove to Alex’s and Rian answered the door letting me in; I walked through to Alex’s lounge room hearing the boys in there while Rian made his way to the kitchen. Zack was spread across a lounge with his feet propped up on the arm rest while Alex was on his tiptoes searching the top shelf of a cupboard.

“Hey boys” I greeted while lifting Zack’s legs up to sit crossed legged letting him stretch his legs across me back to the arm rest again.

“What about twister now Cassie is here?” Alex turned to Zack and I raising his eyebrows suggestively.

“Shot gun spinning the board” I blurted out quickly raising my eyebrows back at Alex causing the boys to cringe at the thought of the them twisting and turning like a pretzel around each other.

“Okay, let’s skip twister.” Rian decided entering the lounge room with cans of coke and lollies.

“Cluedo?” Alex suggested. Everyone shrugged in reply, none of us could care less we were all just super bored and lethargic due to the crappy weather. Alex pulled the Cluedo box out of the cupboard and placed it on the coffee table in front of us. Rian began setting up the board while Alex handled the cards, “I’m going to visit to Ben later this afternoon.” Zack opened a can of coke taking of sip.

I nodded relieved Zack was making a genuine attempt to sort Ben out, “He should open up to you seen as you guys are still pretty close.” I popped a red jellybean into my mouth. Zack and Ben were still relatively close unlike Ben and myself; we drifted apart that little further when he began dating Jess. At first I accepted it as a temporary thing to reassure Jess I was just a close friend. I knew it was the right thing to do to avoid misunderstanding because many people used to confuse my relationship with both Ben and Zack, they’d be convinced I was much more with either one of them when really it was all platonic. I thought everything would eventually fall back into place with our relationship and Jess would be an additional member to our tightly knit friendship group though I was wrong. Ben never had a desire to rekindle and strengthen our friendship and instead allowed his friendship with Zack to weaken even.

“Maybe, I guess I’ll find out this afternoon anyway.” Zack said taking his pile of cards and marking his list secretly with the person, weapon and room he knew was not involved in the murder.

“Even if he doesn’t feel like talking he should come around eventually. I mean its Ben, it’s only a matter of time before he can’t handle bottling himself up and he explodes.” Rian added, his eyes wide when he said ‘explodes’ knowing how horrible it was dealing with Ben’s temper, he was infamous for his tantrums.

Alex began the game cupping his hands to shake the red die, “Ahh the mystery” Alex sighed as he released the die allowing it to roll across the board landing to reveal a three.

I wasn’t sure whether he was referring to Ben’s issue or the game of Cluedo currently in play…

*****
Zack left Alex’s after two games of Cluedo and a couple of Family Guy episodes to visit Ben. Rian and Alex decided to the two of them would eat out for dinner, which time was closely approaching, and then meet up with everyone at the local pub for drinks. The two messaged the whole group to let them know the plans for the night; the boys assumed I was planning on joining. Rian offered to pick me up from my house on the way presuming I needed to shower and change for the night. I hesitated knowing I would have fun at dinner with Rian and Alex and the pub but I wanted time to speak Zack alone about Ben. I declined the dinner offer but loosely promised I may meet the boys at the pub depending on ‘my other plans’ I lied about. Leaving Alex and Rian to get ready for their night out I drove home growing more curious and eager for Zack to drop around my house with information. Time flew by, the clock handles rushing by leading later into the night and still I had not heard from Zack. My phone was on loud so I didn’t miss his calls or texts and I waited by the window for his car to pull into my drive to visit me. I was so damn curious too know what was going on it was ridiculous. Patience is virtue I was once told though my patience ran thin after waiting three hours for a word from Zack causing me to scoff at that wise quote and dial Zack’s number.

“Hello” he answered eventually.

“Hey, where are you?” my words rushing out of my mouth. Subtlety was not my expertise especially when I was hungry for details.

“I’m at home getting ready for dinner with Rian and Alex. Why? You’re coming right?” he said with ease.

What? He was at home and he didn’t think to even call or message to let me know how things went?!

I tried to keep my cool and maintain composure if I wanted Zack to talk to me, “ Um, well I guess I thought you were gonna drop by and just let me know how Ben was doing. I mean I’m kinda worried about him and of course Jess is too…”

“Oh.” was all he could manage, he didn’t volunteer any information.

“So…?” I prompted him to talk. There was a lengthy silence, I could hear his breathing in the receiver. I imagine he was gathering his thoughts and quickly debating what to share with me.

Zack sighed, “ Cass, he just has shit to sort through as Jack said- ”

I cut him off, “Why do you quote Jack all the time?” I snapped not meaning to though it aggravated me he was using Jack’s words to avoid answering me with a proper answer.

“I don’t quote him, you know that Cassie.” his voice stern. He was right, I was guilty of accusing him for something that wasn’t true and didn’t even matter regardless. My impatience and snapping was steering the initial purpose of the conversation off track.

“What shit are you and Jack referring too then? What could be so bad it’s ruining Ben and Jess who we all know are an inseparable couple, Zack?!” I cried getting highly irritable and puzzled.

“Look Cassie, it’s not my problem to share and it’s probably best he is given space and time to sort himself out because for now he is fairly confused and messed up.” Zack’s voice firm as he resisted answering my question.

“ So if you really are worried about him- which you shouldn’t be because he will be just fine,” Zack’s tone dripped with mock sympathy for Ben during that last part, “then you will listen to what I say and stay away from him until he is back to himself”

Zack was somewhat aggressive and harsh in making his instructions that bordered demand to stay away from Ben. I didn’t understand what was going on and I didn’t like it either. First Ben acts odd and possesses weird but rude behaviour which causes Zack to somewhat defend Ben and do all his dirty work; if Ben had a problem with me- which was the impression I was under- then it was Ben who should be confronting me directly.

“Are you even listening to what you’re saying Zack?” I argued, “You’re asking me to stay away completely from someone who I consider one of our best friends when he seems to be battling with an identity crisis! That’s ridiculous! He needs support, Zack-“

“You don’t understand Cassie.” he rebutted.

“Well help me understand, Zack because by the sounds of it one of our friends is struggling with a hardship and he is being stubborn telling us to give him space when really he needs all the fucking support he can get.” My confusion was getting the best of me as it worked into anger.

“Cassie, trust me Ben will be fucking fine. Just stop being determined and nosey by listening to me because the best thing is for you to butt out of this. I am keeping an eye on Ben and Jack is here for him as well.” Zack’s tone was calm and he was practically pleading for me to agree.

I hated this, my fists formed into balls while my nails dug deep into my hands to suppress my anger. Ben was being a dickhead to me for some mysterious reason while Zack and I were sort of fighting.

“Cassie, please just spend some time with Jess and Izzy.” Zack’s voice was gentle, “Do the right thing and look out for Jess while Ben gets his head out of the clouds, okay?” he waited for an answer.

I bit my lip knowing Zack only spoke truth; the best thing for this situation was to look after Jess. Understanding how Ben was treating me I realised Jess must be highly miserable if he was treating her similarly, after all Jess was his girlfriend and she was good to him- she didn’t deserve this.

“You’re right” I answered quietly. There was a lengthy and heavy silence between us allowing time to breath after our verbal boxing match. The tension that had mounted was slowly dissolving though the air was not entirely clear.

“Are you coming to the pub tonight because if you like I can give you a lift?” Zack broke the silence.

“Thank you but I’m tired so I think I’ll skip tonight and catch up on sleep” I lied not willing to socialise anymore.

“Oh” he couldn’t disguise the disappointment in his voice though I knew Zack wouldn’t apologise because he was only doing the right thing being a supportive to friend to Ben. Zack was loyal and that was one of the qualities I adored about him, I could trust him with everything. “Well have a nice night and take it easy”

“Thanks, have a good time tonight” my voice was weak as I pressed my lips together waiting for this horrible conversation to end before it felt any worse.

“Thanks. Goodnight.” I could tell there was something hinting in Zack’s voice that it bothered him to end the conversation on a bad note like this. I didn’t have the control to hide or disguise how miserable, angry, frustrated and bothered I felt.

“Goodnight”

After a beat of silence I heard the dial tone ring out as Zack hung up.