I Caught Myself

Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Roughly three weeks, five days and seven hours drifted past since Zack and I have properly spoken to each other after our bitter phone call. I take full responsibility for straining our friendship by not bothering to communicate with Zack though.
There is a purpose as to why I’ve chosen to disconnect with him temporarily; primarily being for my own selfish sake, I need room to breathe because lately I seem short of breath figuratively speaking. I can’t seem to shake that horrible, monstrous feeling of loneliness and the only way to cure the curse is to conquer it. Ben’s mysterious reclusion and Zack’s defence of Ben confronted me with the brutal realization. At first I found the idea hard to swallow but the undeniable truth lingers… without Zack or Ben I was vulnerable.
The proof has been presented to me too many times, take Ben verbally attacking me- instead of fighting back with Ben I fought with myself not to cry while Zack defended me. Take the argument between Zack and I, my mind went running wild once it ended- what if one day a tsunami of complications crashed over the two of us and broke the years of friendship in a matter of seconds. What if my friendship with Zack or Ben burst at the seams and we were irreconcilable? What if…so many what if’s and possibilities it made my head spin.
It’s these what if’s that forced me to retreat and take a holiday from real. For my own mental health’s sake I was determine to learn to be independent and form a sincere content with this freedom of depending on only myself. The first few days to myself were tough, I developed a habit of gnawing on my lip from debating with myself whether to just give in, accept my weakness and put ultimate faith in Zack and Ben to always be there for me. It was a fierce internal fight to focus on reflecting and learning about myself; it dawned on me how easy it is to become colour blind in life and miss the bigger and brighter picture in life- how simple it is for us to see the shades of grey and identify the flaws in life started to sadden me. The sun rose as quickly as it set causing each day to pass swiftly like the blink of an eye, as the beginning of the fourth week neared I felt rejuvenated and somewhat stronger.

I missed everyone, especially Zack and Ben- the growing desire to merely hear their voice was at its best so I took the urge as a sign to end my quest for independence seen as I had lasted practically a month without the boy’s companionship. I reached for my phone turning it on for the first time in almost a month confident I had given myself enough time to put everything in perspective. Cassie Adams was repaired I had decided with the most satisfying smile spread across my face, my phone interrupting my euphoria by frantically buzzing as if overwhelmed with the missed calls and messages.
I smiled while appreciating the wishes of well being from everyone, there were calls and messages from Iz, Jess, Jack, Rian- heck even Gaskarth showed his wavering concern of my disappearance in a cute text despite his awkwardness with handling girl’s feelings and mood swings. The bombardment of texts and calls enlightened me with the notion that absence really did make the heart grow fonder. The only people who didn’t try to contact me were the two closest to me- none other than Ben and Zack. Ben, I did not expect a call seen as he too was in a state of isolation like I was, but Zack…
Putting my friend’s minds at ease I sent them all a generic text informing them that I was okay while thanking them for their concern as it was both reassuring and flattering to know I had such supportive friends. Moments later my phone buzzed back with replies which I dismissed for now as I had other plans of greater importance on my agenda- to get my two best friends back. Determination rushed through me giving an electric surge and confidence to revive the friendships that have formed some of the greatest moments in my life and moulded me into the Cassie Adams I am today.
This empowerment was liberating to say the least, it was as I had grown another layer of skin that was thick enough to be a shield and obstruct any negativity from crossing my mind. “Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough.”

In such an elated mood I took self-assured strides past my car opting to walk; my heart rate slightly increasing as I kept a steady but quick pace. My eyes wandered absorbing the brilliance of nature surrounding me; maybe my happiness caused the illusion of everything appearing brighter. The strong hues of greenery from the leaves in trees and grass, the tranquil blue beaming in the sky, twirled cotton candy clouds dispersed in the sky with the warm orange rays of the sun- you’d think I was in a Disney movie my setting was seemingly so magical. It was as if smiling was my latest addiction because everytime I tried to stop beaming my mouth would curl into a grin and grow back to its original ecstatic expression, suddenly I was invincible. I rounded the corner approaching the familiar house, with each step closer I grew stronger-if I were the hulk I would have progressed to the boldest green though my hue brightened from joy rather than negativity. As I advanced toward the thick black front door I curled my hand into a ball then tapped my knuckles on the door firmly. My eyes were fixed on the elegantly designed silver door handle while waiting for a response. The handle twisted slowly followed by the door opening slightly ajar, I averted my stare away from the handle to look up at the face. I sighed at the sight of him not sure of what to say anymore, it had resulted to desperation…I wanted things to be normal again.

“Ben…”

Answering the door in an old, beat up faded grey singlet and a pair of black, baggy basketball shorts stood Ben looking like a stranger to me. His golden honey hair was ruffled into a distraught mess, his face dishevelled from the stubble he had grown around his jaw as a result of not shaving. Ben had never looked so unkempt.

Ben’s face cringed into a painful frown at the sight of me; he then proceeded to rub the stubble with his hand tracing his jaw line looking uncomfortable. He leaned there in the doorway obstructing my path to enter; the door still remained only half open…I was not welcome.

“Cassie” He couldn’t even bring himself to reach eye contact with me instead his head hung low in shame.

“What’s going on?” pleading dripped in my voice, it was almost a beg for an answer simply within the question.

“It’s nothing, honestly.” he began slowly.

“Have I done something?” I asked with fear feeling partially guilty for some weird, twisted reason.

“No” he answered instantly while his eyes shot up to lock with mine, it was then I knew he was telling the truth, “No one has, it’s just me. I promise.”

“Do you want to talk about it? I hesitated before offering.

“No.” his eyes falling to his feet again. The silence enveloped the air. “You should go.” his shoulders rolled forward into a slouch as if defeated as he sighed.

All I could do was nod. He sent me a weak lop-sided smile before returning his expression to a frown, the next thing I saw was the thick black door that had been shut in my face keeping a barrier between the two of us.