I Caught Myself

I survived the first two days of the trip, surprising myself as to how I was having a sincerely fun time. Everyone was chilled out and relaxed, the breathtaking lake view from our bedroom windows having a calming, tranquil effect. This summer was already something I treasured and adored, it hurt realising how much I was going to miss everyone once we have to make tracks and part ways to pursue a future. If there was any one moment I wanted to freeze time and relive, it would be now; maintaining my happiness was as simple as surrounding myself with the true friends I endured not only high school with but many other challenges life seems to have thrown at me. Our days fell into an unplanned routine of sleeping in late, jet skiing or rope swinging into the water followed by a big cook out for dinner around the campfire where we shared stories and did sing- a -longs until early hours in the morning.
Jess and Ben were beyond back to normal in terms of their relationship, they were functioning and extremely happy in one another’s company; all was right and orderly in Jess’ world again. It was during the night when the sky was veiled in darkness and I had too much time to think that I’d rack my brain about Ben. I never understood what really happened between us or why all we were capable of was fighting up until recently.
I kept my promise to Zack and gave it my all to make an effort with Ben. We spoke occasionally, Ben and I, though nothing serious or personal was shared like the deep intense talks we used to have. It was still nice talking to him casually again rather than resisting an urge to yell at him, Ben was actually friendly this trip. Zack was right I concluded, Ben was honestly trying to put everything in perspective and calm down.
It was these little chats and my strong desire to gain Ben’s friendship back that pushed me to communicate with him and spend a decent amount of time in his company- seen as I had not done so for a while. Zack warned me not to force myself rapidly back into Ben’s life at risk of ruining everything but to be patient like himself and let Ben approach us.

“Cassie, you know how Ben operates. He’s not the type of guy that appreciates you interfering, he may seem fine but he probably isn’t ready just yet to hang out with us.” Zack was persistent for me to give Ben more space.

“Zack, he has been coming to me to talk. Besides, it sucks not talking to him seen as the three of us used to be inseparable…”

“I know,” he sighed in defeat, “but I think our safest bet is to just wait…”

Waiting for Ben to approach me could be like waiting for a bus that has taken a different route and may never arrive at my stop, that precious time waiting could be futile so I continued repairing Ben and I myself. I thought by sharing something meaningful with Ben during our next chat would help him open up to me, though that wasn’t the case. Luckily when I did share personal details with Ben he wasn’t judgemental or critical just passive-he listened to me contently willing to assist. It was a change from our verbal boxing matches so I took it as progress though Zack begged to differ.
It wasn’t until the third night around the campfire that true progress could be made between Ben and I. The day unfolded much like the previous ones, the sun setting while the moon took its place to light up the dark sky while we were gathered around the campfire drinking and talking. We had drank an impressive amount of alcohol this trip I noted once looking at the pyramid of bottles and cans that were set on the kitchen bench. Alcohol and getting hammered didn’t really appeal to me tonight seen as I was extremely tired and worn out. I decided to take the night easy and pace myself sipping my drink slowly; the consequence of a hangover wasn’t tempting me tonight.
Jess seemed to feel the need to take ‘responsibility’ for consuming my share as well as her share of alcohol for the night, knocking back drink after drink rapidly. The effects of the alcohol hitting her fast and hard, she continued to fall deeper into a drunken state pouring another shot of vodka to skull. I noticed Jess’ eyes were both blood shot and droopy from the alcohol while she gently swayed in her seat unable to keep still. Everything appeared funny to Jess as she giggled uncontrollably, I started to feel embarrassed for her- especially when she tried to contribute to the conversation only to be misunderstood as she slurred. Eventually the alcohol completely overpowered Jess as she leant on my shoulder resting her head dozing off to sleep.

“Jess, sweetie, it’s time to go to bed.” Izzy said softly while shaking her gently.

“Mmmm” Jess barely managed nodding her head in agreement.

Izzy and I smiled at each other, Jess was so smashed-she’d really let herself go. Izzy and I couldn’t believe how heavy and hard she had hit the drinks only to write herself off so early in the night.

“Here, I’ll lift her up” Zack volunteered.

“I can do it, Zack. Relax man, I’ll be a good boyfriend!” Ben smiled putting his beer down to lift Jess.

“Alright” Zack shrugged taking his seat back next to Rian to rejoin the conversation with the boys he had left.

Ben slipped his arms under Jess pulling her towards his body cradling her, Jess’ body was relaxed as she snuggled her head against Ben’s chest. Izzy and I opened the door for Ben and then pulled the sheets back on her bed for Jess to rest on. Ben gently put Jess on the bed and kissed her goodnight, we all filed out of the room and just as I was about to shut the door Jess called me.

“Cassie”’ her voice was sleepy.

I gave Ben and Izzy a look to go ahead back to the campfire without me then made my way back to Jess kneeling beside her bed.

“What’s wrong Jess?” I asked her softly.

Jess rolled her body over to face towards me, she looked at me then shut her eyes as she struggled to keep them open, “ I can’t believe Ben didn’t talk to me”[i/] she finally managed to spit out clearly.

I frowned in confusion wondering what she was going on about; the boy not only spoke to her the whole night but then carried her to bed.

“Ben’s dog died, can you believe it! That’s why he was a complete arsehole to me! ...Because of his dog...and now…now he is fine? I don’t understand him sometimes…” with the slip of her tongue Jess unveiled Ben’s secret. Jess was now sobbing, the alcohol overwhelming her.

My jaw dropped, Mickey was dead?! It made sense that Ben was so distraught and of course he didn’t talk to Jess about it, she wouldn’t understand seen as she never really liked dogs to begin with. She didn’t even know the story behind Mickey- neither did Zack; it was a story Ben shared with only me. Mickey was Ben’s childhood pet and his best friend; he was a present to Ben from his Grandad before he passed away. Ben must have been hurting losing Mickey and reminded of losing his only hero, his Grandad who acted as more of a father figure to Ben then his Dad would ever live up to.

“Don’t worry, Jess. Just know that Ben loves you and he is happy now so that is all that matters.” I tried to soothe Jess to sleep reassuring her all would be fine even though I doubt she’d remember this in the morning. I stayed with her for a few minutes until she drifted into a deep sleep.

I returned to the campfire taking a seat in between Zack and Rian where the group talked until late. Izzy and Jack eventually caved feeling the fatigue and desiring sleep, Rian soon followed. My head was rested on Zack’s shoulder as I fought my hardest to keep myself awake, my eyelids were feeling heavy and I was struggling to focus on the conversation between Zack, Alex and Ben. Eventually the thought of a comfortable mattress and soft pillow to rest my head on encouraged me to get up and make my way to bed.

“I’m going to bed, I’m too tired to stay up” I yawned interrupting the conversation.

The boys wished me a goodnight sleep then I made my way to the small bedroom I was sharing with Rian. I made a conscious effort to keep quiet so I didn’t disturb Rian though by the sounds of his loud snores he seemed miles away from surfacing awake. I lay down on my bed, as soon as my head reached the soft feathered pillow my body relaxed and I quickly dozed off to sleep.

A sudden noise caused my body to jolt up in shock and fear, my head shot towards the alarm clock searching for the time. The bold red digits reading 3.47 am, my body felt hot and clammy as I began to stress hearing the cracking of a stick breaking outside near my window. Izzy’s place was unfamiliar to me so the threat of a possible intruder freaked me out. My breathing was heavier as I pushed my body out of bed ever so carefully and tiptoed towards the window peaking out of the curtains cautiously. My body tensed when all I could see was the outline of a dark silhouette; the dark surroundings obstructing my vision. I noted the fire was still burning weakly and the silhouette was pacing around the fire.
Panic rushed through my veins and my heart rate increased. I wasn’t sure what to do, I began to contemplate whether to wake Rian though voted against it seen as I doubted he could be woken -with a snoring so monstrous the crack of a stick wouldn’t bother him. I tip toed out of my bedroom reaching for a glass bottle from the pyramid we’d made as a weapon for defence against the intruder. My hand was shaking so viciously and it felt like the bottle would slip out of my grip instantly as I sweated profusely.
I slid the sliding glass door open slowly with ease to reduce the noise while avoiding alerting the intruder of my presence. I crept towards the fire place with my eyes fixed on the silhouette whose back was towards me; my senses heightened and fully aware. As the silhouette turned around the fire light up a glimpse of the intruders face. I sighed with relief and my shoulders rolled forward while my whole body relaxed, “Ben” my voice was croaky having just woken up.

Ben jumped startled from being unaware of my presence. “Fuck, you scared me.”.

“You scared me!” I laughed while rasing the bottle in my hand.

He laughed realising the situation, “Oh god, please don’t bottle me!”

“What are you doing out here?” my heart rate finally beginning to calm back down to its regular pace.

“Just thinking,” he shrugged,“I can’t really sleep right now” he took a seat on the log by the fire.

I took a seat next to him; there was no way I would be able to resume instantly sleeping after such a scare. We sat together watching the fire while a silence enveloped us; only the crackling of the fire was heard occasionally. An internal battle was currently in place in my head, did I mention Mickey’s death and let him know I knew or leave it alone.

I bit my lip hesitating then impulsively I took the leap of faith, “I’m sorry about Mickey” my eyes remained fixed on the passionate orange fire.

From the corner of my eyes I could see Ben’s head turn to look at me though I didn’t have the guts to face him in fear he would snap with anger and repairing our friendship would be hopeless.

Instead he just sighed, “It sucks. I miss him like crazy, Cass. He was one of my best friends. It seems like I’m losing all my best friends lately.” he admitted slowly.

I wasn’t certain how to reply to this so instead I remained silent waiting for him to proceed. Listening and being passive seemed the best option like Ben had done so for me when I had shared personal stuff with him.

“ Not only my friends, I nearly lost my girlfriend too. I’ve had too much time to think, it’s driving me mental. I didn’t even know what I wanted in life anymore, everything seemed worthless.”

I knew exactly how he felt, a part of me losing sight of what really mattered when I was isolated. It seems Ben felt degraded just like myself, looks like he needed Zack and I as much as I needed him and Zack.

“I know how you feel” I sighed reflecting on how horrible I felt withdrawing myself away from the world for those few weeks; I believe it did make me a stronger person though I also believe it scared me into the realisation of how miserable my life could be if I didn’t have friends to go back to after being so reclusive and disconnected.

“…But it wasn’t just Mickey that has got me thinking, Cass.” he looked me dead straight in the eyes, his stare intense as I saw the disturbance within him I had witnessed at the restaurant, “It was my ex-girlfriend.”