I Caught Myself

My eyebrows knotted in instant confusion and my face cringed in concern as I was baffled as to where Ben was leading the conversation, “What?”

“My ex-girlfriend, she got me think-“ he began to repeat himself as his lips formed in a straight line while he fiddled with his hands absentmindedly studying their form.

“I know, I heard you the first time.” I spat quite aggressively knowing it was a risky reaction to express if I wanted to secure my friendship with Ben though frankly I didn’t care. “I don’t understand what there is to think about? You guys have split; you’re over so how could she be the cause of all your weird behaviour Ben?” I was feeling a mixture of frustration and panic. The frustration boiling at the thought of this past relationship bothering Ben so much it disturbed his friendship with Zack and I, the panic for Jess’ behalf- no one liked the mention of an ex-partner. Why Ben was even thinking of his ex in the first place was threatening to Jess. The heat of the scorching fire rose as did the tension between Ben and I as my stare deepened like I were shooting daggers at him with my ominous look. My razor sharp eyes were fixed on the side of Ben’s face daring him to pathetically defend himself though he didn’t let his eyes leave the fire to confront my stare.

The fire remained ablaze, Ben’s focus and emotion absorbed into the passionate, fiery flame while I searched his face for an answer. A thick veil of fog suffocated the air, the immensity of smoke trapping my lungs as I felt myself become more and more edgy. It was useless, his face was calm, serene…composed. He wasn’t phased by the increase of volume in my voice or my stern tone. Instead he began slowly maintaining his expression and tone, “My ex Laura, I recently bumped into her. I found out she is exactly where she planned to be three years ago, she has the job she wanted, earned her dream car and settled down in a solid relationship. My plans, well they flew out the window long ago, there was no chance in hell I could’ve achieved all I had wanted to back then.” he spat that last part seeming irritable himself. He picked up a stick beside him to fiddle with; I feared it to be an ideal weapon for distracting himself and possibly diverting the conversation.

“Why not?” I asked curiously after seeing the pessimistic bitter side of Ben. My eyes dancing back and forth between Ben’s face and the fire wishing if I transfixed my stare deep enough I could miraculously learn Ben’s thoughts; his new found mystic profile was hypnotic.

“ Well, because my priorities and plans have changed. I don’t want to plan all that shit, Cassie. There is plenty of time to settle down but for now I’ve got youth on my side so I should be living it up.” He began to lightly trace the dirt beneath him with the stick; my eyes now followed Ben’s hand as he glided smooth lines and swirls on the ground.

After letting his words absorb I nodded hesitantly still slightly shocked Ben was being so honest with me, “Well your relationship with Laura has ended. You don’t have to pressure yourself into reaching hers or even your past expectations so I don’t see why you can’t ‘live it up’ now…Liberate yourself from those past plans Ben or else you’re going to do some damage to yourself…”

“ Neither can I yet I’m still not free, Cass. His hand ceased from drawing on the ground with the stick, the pattern left unfinished. Slowly he raised his head from the dirt to my face for the first time throughout the duration of the conversation. “After Laura I vowed I wouldn’t fall deeply in love with a girl like that again because they don’t live in the fast lane, they don’t take chances, they’re all about plans and expectation. I want a fun, lively, spontaneous youth, to be thrilled by the unknown and unexpected. I haven’t done that because once it ended with Laura because a few months later I met Jess…” he ranted passionately, his eyes dancing wild at the thought of an extravagant lifestyle.

I decided to be cruel snapping him out of his daydream and back to reality, “But you’re happy Ben.” I pressed though I wasn’t entirely sure of my statement.

There was a thick silence as Ben contemplated my statement; I waited with anticipation to see if he would challenge me. The sensation or pain of waiting with anxiety, an instant hunger for knowledge, swept over me simultaneously.

“No. I’m not sure I am.” he shrugged casually, my jaw dropped. How could he lose all his passion for Jess so easily?! This was highly unfair to Jess; she was such a dedicated girlfriend to Ben. “Don’t get me wrong, if Jess were to leave me of course I’d feel unfulfilled because I do love her and I would’ve lost her but also because I’ve wasted opportunity while in the relationship. Cass, look at me, I’ve been fighting with Zack and you- and we’ve rarely fought before. I’ve been fighting with you because I envy you both, you live it up while I’ve become this serious, intense almost sour guy.”

I shook my head ready to rebut and disagree with his reflection of himself but before I could open my mouth Ben cut me off, “ I don’t drink or party like I used to before dating Laura or Jess. I barely smile or laugh sincerely, I can’t muster up the same refreshing, and youthful energy I once had before I was tied down. I’m falling into the same old tiring pattern Cass and I refuse to do that anymore. I want to be a better man. Not this old sour man I am with Jess nor the lost young boy I believed I was without a relationship.” his eyes remained locked on the fire watching the blistering orange blaze while concentrating on his thoughts.

Zack and I had noticed Ben’s transformation when he jumped into a relationship with both Laura and Jess, they were changes we had both adjusted to and accepted. Little did we know they bothered Ben, Zack and I presumed these sacrifices and changes were made to better the relationship though really they’ve only worsened and confused Ben over time while straining the relationship. Living a life of desire for Ben resulted in the demise of his spirit.

I swept my fingers through my long locks pushing back the loose strands from my face softly, “So you want to live in the fast lane? To seize every opportunity? Why not start by repairing things with Zack then so we can live it up like we used to?” I encouraged him hoping those rusty memories would race back to comfort him.

Ben let out a short laugh to himself “Poor Zack, he probably thinks I’m the biggest dick right now.” his forehead creased in disgust at himself.

“Zack’s a good guy, he’ll understand.” I reassured knowing Zack would forgive Ben as easily as he forgave me.

“Well I hope so because I have a lot of explaining to do…I only told him about Mickey so he thinks I’m going crazy over my dog…” he said rubbing his jaw with his hand while considering how to mend the damage with Zack. He took the thick stick he had been using, cracking it in half and then threw it into the fire watching it burn. A soft sigh escaping his lips. The fire began spitting cinders blazing vibrant shades of orange and red as the stick crumbled aggravating and raging the fire to burn stronger and brighter.

“Please talk to Zack.” The silence was comfortable for the first time in what seemed an eternity, “We’ve missed you Ben.” I gushed.
Ben’s hazel eyes then locked with mine; there was a glimmer of freedom flickering within them, a rise in spirit. A weight had been lifted from his shoulders after finally revealing his troubles to me; Ben was finally willing to release himself from his misery. Suddenly a small smile crept upon his face, his lips curling upwards reminding me of the mischievous somewhat reckless teen Ben used to be. I smiled back bearing all my teeth, it was that night I felt the wind change gears lifting to a light breeze, there was a shift signalling change in the air, more importantly a change in the dynamics of our relationship. We were finally getting back on track.