I Caught Myself

I had began frequently spending time with Zack and Ben catching up on time we had lost when fighting. This grew problematic as the more commonly I spent time with Zack the increasingly skewed my friend’s perceptions of us had become. I can admit Zack and I shared a rare friendship, we were so attuned and accustom to each other our bodies and minds were practically in sync. We shared a great bond, thinking in a similar mindset and having common interests; we knew each other very well. Knowing each other well was the result of many years of an enduring friendship, having travelled through many experiences and hardships with each other it is to be expected we are very close and intimate friends. It’s the reward earned by people when they invest time and dedication to a relationship; the bigger the investment the greater the reward. The complication was my friend’s seemed to be under the impression Zack and I had blurred the line between friendship and something more which I couldn’t understand because nothing had changed between Zack or I and neither of us, I felt, had done anything to suggest or imply something more. Everyone was misreading the signs; especially the few people I thought understood and knew me better…

***

The night was stretching into early hours of the morning, dawn was waiting to approach. The air was cool though I was comfortable wrapped in warm, thick woollen blankets that shielded the chilly air from seeping through and reaching me. The blazing heat from the campfire was helping fight the cold air while I sat alone curled up on one of the old beaten up lounge chairs that was permanently left out by the fire. I couldn’t sleep after making the mistake of taking an excessively long nap that afternoon which consequently interrupted my sleeping patterns. Instead of restlessly tossing and turning between the sheets I decided to take some time out by the fire and gather my thoughts. My plans didn’t run smoothly as Ben had surfaced abnormally earlier than I expected. He joined me by the fire crawling under the blankets I had smothered myself in, his hair dishevelled and a knotted honeycomb mess while his eyes were half open attempting to fully wake.

“What are you doing awake?” I frowned not understanding why Ben, the boy who I am convinced could sleep through a combination of an earthquake, fireworks display and rock concert, had risen so early.

“I woke up because I’m starving. My stomach is aching from hunger pangs because I tried to ignore the growls for food and go back to sleep but it just made it worse.” he whinged.

“Well go get some food then. Go eat you fat lazy shit.” I ordered playfully while shoving him off the lounge chair and stealing back the blanket he had taken.

“Hey!” he shoved my shoulder back playfully before offering to get me something to eat. I politely declined so he left to rummage through the kitchen for food, eventually coming back with a packet of corn ships. He was wide awake now wiggling his way back under the blankets on the lounge chair pulling open the chip packet and scoffing a handful immediately. We sat there in stillness for a good while, Ben content munching on his corn chips while I found comfort in relaxing on the lounge chair by the warmth of the fire thinking about nothing and anything.

Taking the opportunity to talk to Ben one on one privately seemed ideal so I interrupted the quiet asking him how he was going. The conversation having no direction took rapid, unexpected turns leading into various topics that we could have spoken about for ages. It was nice chatting to Ben, he and I got along like a house on fire when we weren’t fighting or being stubborn. The conversations we had were always interesting and valuable, we could have a funny conversation then shift so easily onto a topic that was humour’s polar opposite, something deep and intense Tonight we talked about finishing school, future plans, family, music, sports, past memories, parties and then he told me about Jess and him.
The shift in conversation to the next topic made me cringe,

“So, you and Merrick huh?” he asked with raised eyebrows taking a bite of a corn chip.

“What? What about us?” I questioned casually not willing to have to convince Ben we were just friends.

“Come on, Cassie. I’m not stupid, I caught you both swimming near nude in the river…” he reminded me.

I sighed, “ Okay so you caught us swimming in our underwear, it doesn’t mean anything and you know that Ben. You, of all people, should know that. I mean Zack and I always muck around -like we used to when it was the three of us all the time! There was nothing meant by it, just harmless fun.” there was a hint of desperation in my voice begging him to believe me.

“Ohh” he studied my face realising the authenticity of my claim, “Sorry. I just thought-“ he began apologetically before I cut him off.

“Don’t worry about it, you’re not the only one to think that…I just thought you of all people would know it wasn’t true and believe me.” I explained trying to lift away some of Ben’s guilt.

“They’re probably always going to think that you know.” he said while looking at me. My eyes were locked on the fire though I was listening to him, my forehead creased as I frowned bemused by what he stated. “You and Zack, you’re always going to have chemistry. A warped, distorted chemistry or a lingering tension between you both. It was the something that became more obvious to me and I noticed when I began dating my first girlfriend.”

“What?” my face scrunched up absolutely perplexed, Ben’s concept was foreign to me; if anyone was to understand the dynamics of Zack and I besides each other it would be Ben. For Ben to express such a bold idea was astounding; I couldn’t help but look at him like he was a mad man.

“Well, you barely noticed my slight withdrawals and departure from social events because you were and still are so consumed with each other.” he explained answering to my puzzled expression.

“That is not true! Zack and I were most definitely aware of you withdrawing your time from us to be spent with your latest girlfriend. In fact we were somewhat offended you couldn’t dedicate more time to us because we missed your company.” I sighed feeling so disappointed Ben felt neglected from Zack and I.

He chuckled light heartedly though he was transparent to me, I could see his hurt “That is one big fat lie you’ve made there, Cassie. If you’re not going to admit it to me at least admit it to yourself that you have always liked Zack better than me.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing; I swore my ears were deceiving me. Ben did not just ask me to choose who I favoured more between Zack and him- it was absurd. It was angering me that he expected me to choose and that he accused me of not caring for him. “ It is the truth, Ben. I did miss you and I care for you as much as I do Zack!”

“It doesn’t appear that way, Cass… I felt the same while with all my past girlfriends, even while I’m with Jess. We just don’t bond the same as Zack and you.” he stated simply trying to dismiss it as an insignificant fact even though his statement stirred not only me but himself.

“I crushed on you for two and a half years, Ben!” I cried out in extreme frustration, “ And, you know what, you still never get the message that I care! I sent out the signs, I even took the risk of telling you even though I was scared of ruining a beautiful friendship. Do you remember that, Ben?” He nodded while I continued ranting furiously, “ How did you respond? You ignored me, you treated me like shit and instead you chose Jess over me! So don’t tell me I don’t fucking care and give me this guilt trip bullshit because it still bothers me to this day, Ben! I care!”

Consumed in a whirlpool of emotions and thoughts I lost my perceptions. Before I could register what I had just confessed to which would complicate these thoughts and emotions further, the gap between Ben and I had been closed quicker than the blink of an eye and his lips came crashing onto mine.