I Caught Myself

“Shit it’s cold!” Alex cried while his arms cradled his knees towards his chest for warmth. We sat on the cold lake bank together in dim lighting as the sun parted for the awakening of the night.

The day had been uneventful and dull; in fact I had missed a majority of it to catch up on much needed sleep. When I woke up my mind had jumped back to the same thoughts I had drifted asleep to, the kiss with Ben. Honestly, I thought my mind was playing sick twisted tricks on me but whenever I traced my lips with my fingertips I knew it was reality. The vivid imagery, the shivers that broke down my spine and the way my heart rate sped up whenever I did trace my lips reminded me of the kiss; it was all too distinct for my mind to create out of thin air. Even after accepting the kiss as reality, my head was still boggled by the idea. I just couldn’t seem to grasp on to the fact we had kissed, it was surreal. It was also sinful. Instead of over analysing the previous nights act and being overwhelmed with the emotions that accompanied it I found myself avoiding reality. My escape was finding a sanctuary, a comfort in sitting by the lake bank absorbing the nature and all my surroundings.

Alex had made his way down to the lake bank later in the afternoon to find me. It didn’t bother me that Gaskarth wanted to keep me company because I enjoyed having him around, he brought the best out of me- sometimes! We ended up talking for hours because before we knew it the sun was setting as night began to fall upon us; I guess time really does fly when you’re having fun.

Alex was now shivering, his teeth chattering as his body tried to curl into a tighter ball of warmth. He was wearing a zipped up, thick, brown hoodie with his old beaten up, faded black skinny jeans. The attire he wore still couldn’t mask the chilly afternoon breeze that would transcend into a bitter, cold and possibly stormy night. Bleak grey clouds looming in the sky would only progress to darker, vicious shades- and Alex was right about the wind, it had an edgy bite with a strong force like a slap to the cheek.

“Yeah it is getting cold.” I finally agreed with him, only aware of the chaotic weather after his remark; my thoughts had drained out the realisation of how miserable the night was progressing into.

Alex raised an eyebrow, “What’s up with you, Cass? You’re usually the first to feel the cold!”

I shrugged not sure of the answer to his question, “Maybe I’ve gotten fatter, more layers to shield the cold?” was all I could volunteer.

Alex’s response was an immediate scoff, “Oh yeah, that’s believable! You’re looking as fat as Jack… But seriously, what is with you? All day you’ve had the same grin on your face, goofy.”

“What?” I played dumb knowing that was my safest bet. I needed to buy as much time in the conversation as I could to plan out an excuse or reason for my goofy grin! Kissing Ben wasn’t a very valid reason… it was very wrong when I had enough time to think about it.

Alex’s dark cocoa eyes were now narrowed in suspicion as his thick, bushy brow that was raised now levelled with the other to form a slight frown of curiosity, “Cassie, you’re shitting me right? Don’t play dumb, you can’t hide it from me. You were one bubbly bumblebee today, Miss.”

A giggle escaped my lips as I realised how absurd I must’ve looked all day to Alex, an image of myself as a young giddy school girl popped into my head.

Before I could respond Alex’s body jolted up with a finger pointing at me. A smug smirk planted across his face, “I knew it!” he exclaimed. “You’ve got a crush.”

“Pftt No I don’t.” I denied pathetically feeling a hell of a lot like that school girl I’d identified with...

Nodding with the same smug smirk, “Yep, you do. You got it bad.” he teased. “Who is it?” his cocoa eyes now dazzling with excitement at the gossip.

“No one.” I insisted feeling slightly alarmed, the conversation was becoming risky. Sometimes Alex knew me too well, as if I were a book he had already read and I was only half way through. The last thing I wanted was for Alex to know that Ben was the reason my head was in the clouds. I stood up from the river bank using the dark and cold as my excuse, “Let’s head back to the house, it’s late.”

“Okay Cass, way to subtly divert the conversation” he joked, following my lead by scrambling to his feet to walk back to the house.

“Oh shutup Gaskarth.” I rolled my eyes.
“Just so you know, you can’t avoid this.” I stopped dead in my tracks as my shoulders rounded intensely. I waited for him to finish, unsure of whether he knew more than he thought, “You’ll spill who it is. Even if I have to force it out of you!” he threatened playfully.

I sighed with relief thankful he was done pestering me about my crush for the night.

***
My day had been surprisingly pleasant sitting by the lake yet my world had spun into reverse as soon as Alex and I chose to return to the house. Izzy and Jack were setting the table together for dinner, Jack setting down the dinner plates while Iz followed him with cutlery. Rian and Zack were sprawled across the lounge watching a rerun of a Simpson’s episode. The two didn’t even notice Alex’s or my presence as they were so consumed with the cartoon played across the television screen.

“Smells good.” Alex praised the desirable mixed aroma of herbs and garlic that immediately enveloped our nostrils upon entering the house. The mouth watering smell dominated the house, teasing Alex’s and my own tastebuds. I knew this for sure as I heard his stomach grumble expressing its hunger which sounded much like the way my tummy felt.

“Yeah, what is it?” I asked Izzy and Jack curious of the meal being prepared.

“Some fancy pasta.” Iz shrugged not entirely sure herself, “Jess and Ben are cooking it. Looks pretty good though if you ask me.”

“Not as good as the pasta I cook you though babe!” Jack said confidently while setting down the last plate.

“What, Easy Mac?” Izzy frowned while Jack nodded, “I don’t think that counts as cooking me pasta…”

Jack wrapped his arms around Izzy’s waist pulling her closer towards him into a cuddle while he nodded at Alex and I, “She loves it. Can’t get enough. It’s my speciality.” he finished with a seedy wink.

I chuckled at Jack before noticing Alex who was now clutching his stomach in hunger after talks of food, “I’m going to see how they’re going in the kitchen.”

I decided to follow him. That was probably a mistake… There I saw Ben and Jess happily cooking pasta together and the elated mood that had me as high as a helium balloon was now burst so simply and quickly like the prick of a pin. Call me naïve or stupid but I guess I had hoped Ben would’ve been as wrapped and ecstatic over the kiss as I was. Instead he was in the kitchen with Jess looking neither miserable nor content, maybe he was just complacent. At that current moment I was also reminded of the fact that Jess was apart of the equation, in fact she was Ben’s girlfriend therefore his main priority. My thoughts had been consumed by only two people, Ben and myself, and I preferred to keep it that way. Reality wasn’t as sweet as the kiss replaying in my head because in reality Ben barely acknowledged me. I wasn’t meant to set his heart into overdrive or catch his eye as I had hoped after the kiss, instead Jess was. That was the harsh truth that I found hard to swallow when I stood in that kitchen watching the couple cook. I was never meant to be a part of their equation to begin with, the kiss was never meant to have happened and I sure as hell wasn’t meant to have put my cards on the table and straight up reveal my true feelings to Ben. It was all never meant to happen, but it did which made it hard for me to ignore or disguise, I wasn’t as natural at coping with this as Ben was. I suppose I didn’t have to seen as I wasn’t the one committed to a relationship, I didn’t have as much to lose…
Or maybe I did which is why I may have felt obliged to keep the peace because I cared for Ben and Jess was my friend.

“Yum, that looks awesome” Alex beamed, licking his lips at the sight of the pasta being heated over the stove.

“Hope you guys are hungry!” Jess enthused, excited by the success of her pasta cooking creation.

“Believe me, we’re starving” Rian yelled from the other room not moving from the lounge.

Ben stood over the stove stirring the pasta, “I think it’s ready babe” he looked at Jess waiting for her opinion. I cringed slightly bothered by the fact he called her ‘babe’ but knew I couldn’t let it get to me so clenched my jaw tightly together in attempt to maintain composure.

Jess nodded agreeing the pasta looked ready to serve before Ben turned off the heat on the stove.

***
Dinner was painful. Not the food of course, the pasta was delicious to the point where at the dinner table conversation fell quiet as everyone was too preoccupied enjoying and savouring the taste of the meal. Dinner was painful having been seated across from Jess and Ben. My eyes were green with envy because I wished that were me in Jess’ spot, I wanted Ben’s attention. Instead of torturing myself by watching the couple I kept my head hung low focussing on the serving of pasta across my plate.

“Not so chipper anymore, Cass?” Alex asked before shovelling a mouthful of pasta into his mouth.

“Pardon?” I tried to ease and lighten my expression realising my face was probably scrunched up into a sour arrangement of jealousy.

“Not your bubbly bumblebee self like today?” he teased. I managed to chuckle deciding it was best to leave the question unanswered and let the room lapse back into a silence with only the occasionally clinking of cutlery.

Once everyone finished their meal Jess began gathering the dirty plates and cutlery to clear the table setting, Alex following to help with his duty of clean up.

“Alex, you can wipe up.” Jess’ voice travelled through the kitchen to where we had dined. “I’m washing because half the time the dishes aren’t clean!” she insisted before Alex closed the kitchen door behind him and their argument was muted.

Izzy and Jack stood up to leave the table, “We’re going for a walk. Does anyone want to come?” Izzy offered while Jack linked his hand with hers.

Everyone shook their heads declining to give them time alone, “Alright, we’ll be back soon.” Jack said grabbing a coat for Izzy and himself before they left, shutting the door behind them.

“Where have you and Alex been? Feels like I haven’t seen you all day!” Rian turned towards me before leaning back in his chair relaxing to allow the food to digest.

“That’s probably because you haven’t seen me all day!” I chuckled, “I slept in for half the day then spent the remainder of it down by the lake where Alex joined me. What have you boys been up to?”

“Well today I caught up on some Lost episodes… he stopped mid sentence to think, “that is pretty much all I did.” he laughed aware of how lazy his day was.

“I see you made lots of progress today, Rian” I returned a laugh before looking at Zack, “What did you get up to?”

Zack just shrugged casually, his arms folded across his chest as he leant back on his chair like Rian had.

Ben scoffed, “You’re kidding me, man? You’re just shrugging after that intense day!” Ben leant his elbows on the table as support to face me before he further exclaimed, “Zack and I spent the day training and working out. We went for a long arse jog before we pumped some weights and did Zack’s usual workout routine which can I add almost killed me!”

Zack was laughing at Ben as if he were over dramatising the intensity of the workout though sadly I didn’t doubt Ben, Zack was a buff boy. I feared the worst for Ben tomorrow when he felt the aches and pains of over worked muscles. Zack was a gym junkie whose fitness boundaries seemed limitless, he was great at all sports and had a great motivation and determination in maintaining a trim, toned, healthy body and lifestyle.
“I’m seriously stuffed, Zack. I’m going to sleep like a baby tonight.” Ben cried with sincerity.

“Good.” Zack grinned, “Then my job is done. You said you wanted a workout, so you got just that.”

“I think he got more than a workout, Zack. He looked like a flogged horse when he was done. It was as if you sent him to fat camp!” Rian chipped in.

Zack put his hands up to plead innocence, “He asked for it! Anyway, I’m going to hit the showers before Jack gets back.”

“Yeah, good idea! Last thing you want is Barakat to clog up the drain pipes with all his hair.”

My face scrunched into one of absolute disgust “Eww.” Rian laughed proud he had grossed me out before rolling off the couch following Zack to their bedroom to gather their bathroom gear before parting ways to use the two bathrooms to shower.

That left me alone at the dinner table seated directly across from Ben, it felt uncomfortable for a minute. I wasn’t sure what to say but I was afraid of what he would or wouldn’t say as well. I fiddled with my hands feeling entirely uneasy with the situation currently at play, the idea of his girlfriend being beside us in the next room adding to the awkward factor.

Ben ruffled his honeycomb hair, brushing the strands off of his face before letting a small laugh escape his lips, “Bubbly bumblebee?” Really? You were a ‘bubbly bumblebee’?

I smiled at the lameness of Alex’s nickname.
The kitchen door flung open and Alex barged through to sit down with Ben and I before Jess yelled after him, “Alex you have one more pan to wipe and put away!”
Alex groaned, spinning on his heel back towards the kitchen to finish off his cleaning duties.

“I’m not a bumblebee. You’re a bumblebee.” I looked at Ben feeling bitter hearing Jess’ voice and being constantly reminded of the complex situation at hand. Ben frowned not understanding what I meant, “You’re the bumblebee Ben,” I repeated, “becauseyou stung me” I traced my lips again with my fingertips and suddenly Alex reappeared boisterously through the door again.

“If she asks where I am, just tell her I’m in the shower!” Alex exclaimed escaping the kitchen before Jess could recruit him for more tasks, with that he proceeded down the hallway out of sight towards the bedrooms.

Ben didn’t have a chance to comment on my remark as Jess now exited the kitchen taking her seat back next to Ben. Her body slumped in the chair looking exhausted after her kitchen duties.

Ben shot a glance from Jess to I before opting for the cope out, “I’m pretty tired so I think I’m going to head off to bed.” Ben stood up, pushing his chair in behind him.

“Alright Popeye, I think you deserve it after a hard days work with Merrick.” Jess smiled as she tilted her head to receive a kiss goodnight from Ben. I fought the muscles in my face to not reveal a grimace, the kiss making me squirm on the inside.

My fists formed into balls of frustration and anger, I couldn’t tell whether I was more angry at Ben, Jess or myself… Before I could even decide or let the anger erupt inside me Jess intervened, “So, had a nice day almost all to yourself thinking I hear?”

The panic alarm set off in my head again, I was paranoid she was suspicious or somehow knew about the kiss. I bit my lip trying to focus on acting natural…or even casual, “Yeah…umm, I just spent the day by the lake and Alex hung out with me for a bit.” I volunteered.

A small smile was playing on her lips confusing me even more so. It made me highly nervous, knots forming uncomfortably in my stomach. “I know, Alex told me he chilled with you.”

“Okay?” I wasn’t sure where this conversation was going.

“He seemed heavily under the impression you were crushing on someone…” she rested her arms on the table.

My eyes went wide, “Oh” was all I could manage. The alarm bells ringing loud as I swore I was being caught committing the crime of kissing her boyfriend.

“He said you were in denial about it? So tell me, are you crushing? And who?!” I had her full attention and unlike Alex, I knew Jess would be persistent with getting proper answers.

If I thought I was panicked before it only seemed to increase the further this conversation proceeded. I was placed under the spotlight with no preparation or time to think anything through, luckily I was fairly good at acting calm so she couldn’t pry into the thoughts I feared would be given away by me. “I…Ahhh…Well” I stuttered.

She giggled at my response, “Oh God, he’s right. You have got it bad. So who?”

My mind was jumbled and in as state of panic the name rushed out my mouth before I had time to think my best option through, “It’s Alex.”

Oh God, what had I gotten myself into?!.