I Caught Myself

My eyes widened as big as dinner plates, the lump in my throat making it hard for me to swallow. All the logic and rationality of my brain had dissolved into scrambled mush. I was a natural liar thankfully though it didn’t mean I was comfortable doing it, especially under so much pressure. All stories and claims I made to Jess from now on would have to match up and be identical with the fictional plot I was role playing; I was going to have to be conscious of everything I lied about…

“Gaskarth? You’re crushing on Gaskarth?” Jess’ expression was incredulous; her dropped jaw wasn’t subtle in disguising her shock.

I slapped on that classic goofy grin I usually wore when a boy sincerely made me weak in the knees. Aware of my nervous habit to tend to fiddle with my hands I played up my role as the giddy, hopeless romantic girl twisting my fingers as if I were truly anxious.

Her eyes hovered to my hands as I knew they would and with that she was sold on my lie, “Oh my God. You’re not kidding me.” her soprano voice ringing up an octave as she bounced up and down on her chair in excitement.

My hand dove across the table to grasp Jess’ wrist and steady her, “Shh Jess, not so loud!” I attempted to calm her down, my voice low in case the others were in earshot, “He doesn’t know about it…in fact no one does.”

She pressed her lips together instantly realising how loud her voice was and the risk of it travelling, her eyes remained wide as if the secret I had shared was a huge deal. Jess began to shake her head up and down drastically nodding to confirm she was sworn to confidentiality. After having a moment of silence for Jess to wrap her head around the news she whispered, “I did not see this coming…”

Before I could oppress it, a scoff escaped me, “Believe me, I didn’t see any of this coming…” I leaned forward in my chair perching my elbows up to rest on the table, “Jess? Can you please promise me you won’t tell a soul about this because I don’t want things to become awkward or evolve into anything y’know?” a pleading tone lining my voice.

“Of course!” she assured me.

“Not Gaskarth. Not even Ben. No one.”

“I promise.” sincerity dazzling in her eyes to match the trustworthy, solemn expression written across her face.

I sighed knowing I had to trust she would abide her words and keep the secret, “Thanks.”

“I wouldn’t do that to you, Cass. You’re a big girl who can make your own moves when you’re ready. Besides I know how Gaskarth is with girls and feelings!” she said rolling her eyes at the idea of Alex coping with girl’s emotions and formal romance.

I sent her a smile as a way of thanking her, a wave of guilt washing over me as I realised how loyal a friend Jess was to me. My smile dropped from disappointment in myself for betraying her and then not even having the decency to be truthful about it. Preferring to avoid the guilt I put an end to the conversation with Jess, “I’m going to catch up on some reading, I’m curious as to what happens with Savannah and John.”

Her head titled to the left while her brow furrowed in confusion as to what I was talking about. She hadn’t the slightest idea. I answered her silent question, “ Savannah and John, two lovers in the book I’m reading. It’s a Spark’s novel!” I grinned at her once puzzled look now relax before heading to my bedroom.

***
Reading Spark’s words made my heart feel heavy and my soul seem remote like an anchor in the ocean. The story of John Tyree so far was heart wrenching, life dealt him a rough hand of cards he just had to cope with. John’s initial isolation before he met Savannah had me connected to him instantly; I felt this strong impulsive desire to be loved. Thinking about that kiss I shared with Ben sent me crazy, yet the sensation was like a firecracker. The kiss was bold, adventurous, vibrant and colourful at the time but had a small wick making it short lived. It left me craving more.

I sat upright in my bed with a collection of plush pillows behind me for support while my mind wandered. Spark’s novel rested on the nightstand with the page yet to be read bookmarked with a slip of baby pink paper. It probably wasn’t ideal for me to be reading a romance when I was feeling so reckless and emotionally vulnerable. Reading Spark’s novel was more affective in disturbing me than any finely crafted villainous vampire from Anne Rice’s novels, that’s saying a lot seen as Rice has a gift for vividly depicting an immortal from your worst nightmare! Pulling the layer of sheets and blankets closer to me I hoped for both warmth and emotional comfort, huddling them tighter against my chest.

“You alright, Cass?” a voice from my doorway gently asked with stress and concern underlying their tone.

I reacted with a small gasp of surprise after seeing Zack’s figure leaning against the door frame; I hadn’t been aware of Zack’s presence after zoning out into thoughts of loneliness.

I nodded giving him a small smile of reassurance. He pushed himself off the doorway straightening his stance and entered the room dressed in a pair of snug grey track pants and a loosely fitted black singlet. He grabbed the corner of the pile of blankets that were covering me and pulled the layers back to slide into bed next to me. It was a cosy fit as Zack squeezed under the blankets of the fairly large single sized mattress. We both rearrange ourselves by turning on our sides simultaneously to fit more comfortably on the bed, Zack then draped an arm around me.

We laid there in peace until Zack broke the silence, “You know what? We need to spend more time together. We already wasted the start of this summer fighting so now we should be making up for that lost time.”

I couldn’t help but laugh out loud, Zack obviously not a mind reader was curious, “ What?”

“You choose to say that we should ‘make up for lost time’ now ...while we are sharing a bed together?!” I rolled my eyes knowing that if it were any other boy than Zack the statement could’ve been easily misinterpreted. I understood what Zack meant but found the connotations fairly humorous.

I felt Zack’s body tense uneasily as he realised what his comment may have implied “That didn’t come out right…I didn’t mean it like that.” he muttered seeming embarrassed.

I smiled at how innocent he was, “I know.” with that his body relaxed again. “You’re right though.”

“I’d much rather hear you cry about how you can’t rope swing into water then have Ben make my ears drop from whinging about the intensity of the workouts we do.”

My mouth scrunched to the side while I registered his statement, “I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not but regardless I didn’t cry about it! I was heaps brave jumping into that water from the tyre.”

Zack chuckled, “I suppose you were.”

I scoffed, “You suppose? I’d like to see you try to get Iz or Jess to jump from that tyre like I did…it was pretty badass of me, Zack! I can be heaps wild and extreme! ” confidence radiating through me as I talked myself up.

“Well put your money where your mouth is! The next spider you see you have to kill for yourself.”My face disorientated into sheer horror at the thought of confronting my ultimate fear while my body stiffened feeling at edge,“I dare you.” Zack added that last part in a teasing tone that resembled an immature twelve year old.

My mouth curled down in disgust at the thought of the mortifying creatures; spiders were the one thing that caused a shrill scream of absolute fright. The minute a spider crept up into my sight I would shriek and run for someone to kill and dispose of the frightening enemy! I am not exactly sure why or how I developed a phobia of spiders but it started at an early age and has been apart of me from childhood until present; sadly something tells me I will never rid of my fear. The thought of a big, brown, hairy spider with long slender legs twisted within one of its sticky silver woven webs creeps me out to the point of instant chills shivering up my spine in repugnance.

“What about I rope swing into the water again?” I practically pleaded not willing to withdraw my statement of how daring I was though needed to renegotiate if I wanted my words to remain truthful. There was no way I could kill a spider, it was difficult enough being in the same room as one let alone so close to contact.

“If you’re as wild and badass as you claim then you should be able to crush an eight legged creature as small as your hand…” Zack walked two of his fingers up my arm as if they were spiders legs to psyche me out.

I gulped feeling unsure of myself. “Okay I’ll do it” I heard myself agreeing in a shaky voice. Sometimes I was too stubborn for my own good, it was an asset and a flaw of mine.

Zack began to slide out of the bed slowly, I turned my body over onto my other side to face him awaiting his response. A wide yawn of fatigue escaped him before he re-tucked in his side of the bed, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” he said with a smirk on his face before flicking off the light switch and leaving my room tossing a ‘goodnight’ over his shoulder.

My body curled tightly into a ball under the sheets, knees pulled up to my stomach whilst my head was ducked under the covers. I was feeling highly uneasy and I wasn’t sure whether the acceptance to Zack’s dare was responsible or Nicholas Spark’s novel had done some further damage in pushing me deeper into a pool of guilt. Either way the feeling was haunting.