I Caught Myself

Green. The colour of grass. The colour of a traffic light that signals ‘go’. The colour of tree frogs, apple Starburst lollies, enviro-friendly bags and one hundred dollar bills. The resulting colour of mixing yellow and blue paint together. The colour of envy I swore I witnessed flicker in his eyes, the image vividly embedded in my memory to replay again and again. I was slightly surprised and shocked to have caught the look. Catching the green eyed monster possess him drew me to the realisation of how careful and delicately I needed to handle the situation I had put myself in. Caution needed to be taken around everyone, feelings needed to be suppressed and secrets sworn to be kept. This wasn’t easy. Never the less I found green to be a flattering colour on him, it was nice knowing I wielded a sort of power that could bother and disturb him. It can’t be denied that I adored having the ‘green eyes’ glaring at me, being conscious of that stare let me know someone in this room cared for me. It sounds mean, almost torturing him, but nevertheless I exploited this jealousy using it in vain to gain attention. Gaskarth was used as my bait that I dangled right in front of his face to torment him with; I knew it wouldn’t be long until he bit the bait and I had him hooked.

Gaskarth and I got extra cosy and comfortable around each other after that night of mock flirting, neither of us minding either. We were both naturally flirtatious people and neither of us could deny affection from the opposite sex. In fact, Alex appeared somewhat flattered that I paid him extra care and attention. His ego went skyrocketing with each sign of affection or compliment I praised him with, the plan I had devised involving using Gaskarth as bait seemed flawless. Throughout the two days that had past the boys began to remind me of a flock of seagulls squabbling for that one, small last pathetic crumb of food remaining on the ground. In this case, I was the food crumb. My attention was always fought for and my company, always requested lately. Overall I had crafted a harmless and effective plan to promote jealousy. Gaskarth was adored, Izzy and Jess were ecstatic I had found a potential boyfriend in Alex and I gained the attention I wanted…it was a win/win situation for almost everyone.

***

The previous night had been another long, intoxicated one that closely resembled when we had celebrated ‘Cassie confronts her fear and touches a spider.’ Everyone lost their senses and drank themselves stupid. I had little recollection of last night, only noticing Ben had been acting slightly strange and suspicious after he snuck another kiss with me in his bedroom. Confusion did not do justice in describing the mixed emotions I felt about the kiss, I still wasn’t sure where this was going. Ben reassured me he was leaving Jess yet instantly after sneaking a pash with me he would be at Jess’ side closer to her than ever. Instead of ruining my night over analysing Ben and his crazy antics I enjoyed partying with Izzy, Rian, Alex and Zack. The five of us were idiotic enough to play almost every drinking game under the sun which would be a decision I would later regret the next morning.

When I had first awoken from a heavy slumber after a rough night of drinking I found myself tangled beneath sheets in someone else’s bed with someone. An arm was draped around my waist, a soft series of snoring was heard and I could feel their breath tickle the back of my neck. I snuggled closer towards the body that was hugging me, attempting to gain extra body heat, the arm instantly pulling me closer subconsciously once they felt me shiver and squirm towards them for warmth. Eventually my body stopped shivering and I was warm again. Feeling too lethargic and lazy to get out of bed, I pulled the sheets high over my head snuggling into the sleeping body behind me. Easily, I fell back into a light sleep despite the sun having fully risen to signal a new day.

I noticed the alarm clock beside the bed read 10:53am in bright bold red numbers when I awoke the second time that day. I allowed my body to rest, unable to immediately rise out of bed. It wasn’t until my stomach began grumbling and growling aloud for food that I made the effort to pull myself out of bed. As soon as I sat upright a groan escaped my lips, my head was feeling light, spinning rapidly and slightly blurring my vision. My stomach ached of both hunger pangs to feed it and the blend of alcohol I had consumed last night that was upsetting it. I placed my head in my hands, closing my eyes once more hoping to find I was only dreaming I was hung over, unfortunately the moment I reopened my eyes my nightmare was confirmed to be a reality. I was most definitely hung over, really hung over at that. The lose strands of blonde hair that were falling on my face were pushed back before I used all my strength to bring myself standing on my own two feet. It wasn’t easy, I was so tempted to collapse back on the bed and let the dizzy spells beat me only my stomach was too hungry to allow me to.

I fought hard to walk straight to the kitchen without passing out on the way. My knees were weak and shaking while my whole body felt limp and cold. When I finally arrived to the kitchen I found it to be completely empty, it seemed I was the first to wake which didn’t surprise me. I thought that I was crazy myself for having force myself to get up at eleven o’clock the following morning of a hardcore night of drinking. I perched myself upon a stool, my body slumping lazily. I rested my head which was giving me agony upon the cold marble bench taking a few deep breathes in and out while I mentally prepared myself to move back on my feet to get food. I’d wasted a good amount of time with my head settled on the bench; I was brilliant at procrastinating with my pathetic exhausted body fighting not to move but my mind and stomach begging for food.

Suddenly I heard a thump in the distance followed by clumsy and heavy footwork stomping down the hallway to the kitchen; I lifted my head and pushed myself off the bench and back on my feet, moving towards the cupboard that held the Fruit Loops. In a zombie like manner I collected the few utensils and ingredients required to make a bowl of Fruit Loops for breakfast. As I finished pouring milk into the bowl of cereal I capped the bottle returning it to the refrigerator; it was then Ben appeared in the doorway of the kitchen. His presence explaining the thump and noisy marching down the hall; not even capable of mustering a good morning to him I could only shot him a weak half smile as I slowly made my way back to the bench with my breakfast. He looked as chaotic as I felt, like myself, he was battling to stay standing steady on his two feet, using the walls as support.

Ben stumbled towards the stool next to me, taking a seat only to watch me struggle to eat my Fruit Loops. I was battling with scooping a mouthful let alone chewing and digesting the sugary goodness.

Breaking the silence in the kitchen Ben finally mumbled, “So what is this I hear about Gaskarth and you?”

A red alarm of panic was set off in my mind draining my energy, unsure of what was best to do during the circumstance I tried to play dumb, “What do you mean?” my voice was hoarse and my mouth caked and dry from last night’s alcohol.

Ben’s adam’s apple was bulging as he swallowed before admitting, “Jess told me you liked him?” his eyes were blank, staring at the inanimate marble bench. Puffy black bags circled his eyes and his golden honeycomb hair was a tangled mess, he looked like death but then again no one was looking their finest when hung over.

A strong urge to deny having any feelings towards Gaskarth surged through me. I wanted so badly to lay my cards on the table and tell Ben outright it was bullshit to divert any attention towards my feelings for him, but I knew better than to confess. If I confessed and exposed my feelings like that it would only result in weakening and degrading me to be putty in Ben’s hands that he could freely manipulate…“Mmm what’s it to you?” I shot back knowing I had to stay focussed in this game. I was walking on a fine wire, so close to losing my dignity and power.

“Come on Cass, you don’t want Alex?” He began as a question before shaking his head realising how weak and unconvincing his intended ‘statement’ had come across. “You want me.” He made direct eye contact, wearing a cocky half smirk.

My gaze fell to the colourful bowl of Fruit Loops in front of me, I was losing my appetite. I clenched my jaw feeling irritated at how easily he charmed me and made himself so irresistible. He was waiting for me to falter and admit to my sudden interest in Gaskarth to be a scheme. Rather than unleash my irritation and slight jealousy, I kept my cool, “Do I, Ben?” I challenged after looking up from my cereal bowl, “Because that would be stupid!” I snapped using a tone to belittle him, “Why would I want you when you want Jess?” I was determined, this was my love game and I wanted to win, I craved the taste of victory and I refused to let go of the power I had wielded.

“Cassie,” he began moving closer, I could feel his body lingering over me and his breath tickle my ear, “what you’re doing is dumb…” his movements were gentle and ever so cunning to try weaken or persuade me.

“Crushing on Gaskarth?” I turned to face him with an eyebrow raised and a sceptical look, “How so Ben? I was growing crankier by the minute, Ben was wearing my patience thin and my hang over was draining me.

After leaving Ben at loss for words, his mouth dangling open looking stupid, he obviously had no answer for my question. I decided to finish this conversation off, “It seems harmless having feelings for Alex, besides he’d be committed to me. He wouldn’t be gutless by only kissing me in the dark, Ben.” I made my intentions clear I was fed up of hiding secrets and lies, the guilt was sending me to be an insomniac.

Suddenly Ben used his hand to turn my head guiding my lips towards his, his lips were crashing onto mine in a forceful kiss. When I finally pulled away after realising he was gaining power dominance I couldn’t decipher what I was feeling: surprised, shocked, angry, relieved? “What was that for?!” my voice unsteady, I questioned the tone of how I had delivered my question.

“Just a reminder.” his smirk paired with an intensity in his eyes that bore in to mine. His face was only mere centimetres away from mine, our noses so close to grazing, “No one will kiss you like that, Cassie and I want you to remember that.”

I cursed silently to myself, knowing this was a very dangerous game I was playing. I was walking on a wire.

***
Not able to stand being in Ben’s presence any longer I left the kitchen moving back to the bedroom I had recently arisen from in desperate search of solace. Ben had me all fired up with mixed emotions which I could barely cope with when trying to manage dealing with my hang over. I gently pulled the bedroom door handle down and pulled the door open slowly to find Alex still asleep, his body sprawled across the bed. I crawled back into the bed as gently as I could despite Alex opening his eyes once he felt one side of the mattress sink with my body weight.

“Sorry to wake you” I barely whispered in the softest inaudible tone.

“That’s okay” he mumbled, his voice groggy as he wrapped an arm around me. His brown hair looking like a bird’s nest as strands of hair stuck out in random directions, and his chocolate eyes were coated with sleep.

I took one of his hands between two of mine and began to rub gentle circles on the top of his hand in an absent-minded manner with my thumb. I was beginning to rely on Gaskarth for reassurance and comfort, he may not have known it but he would restore the strength that Ben easily drained from me. Ben made me weak and vulnerable but Gaskarth had a way of healing me, he was exactly what I needed in a time of confusion.