I Caught Myself

“That sounds good.” I smiled, finally deciding to draw awareness to my presence after lingering in the doorway of Alex’s bedroom secretly.

Alex’s body jolted from sudden fear, he had been too consumed in his music to notice my company. I couldn’t help but laugh at how easily frightened Gaskarth had gotten.

In a softness resembling a whisper he was polite and gracious, “Thanks”

Concern instantly lacing my voice, “Is everything okay, Alex?” I questioned, approaching him to sit beside him on his mattress. Alex’s current solemn and quiet state was giving himself away in telling me something wasn’t right, he wasn’t his usual chipper self.

Alex’s chocolate brown eyes refused to make contact with me; they remained fixed in a daze on the floor. His guitar rested gently on his knee, as his face concentrated deep in thought. I waited patiently for a response, shortly Alex sighed snapping out of his daze and lifting his eyes from the ground to meet mine.

“Never mind” he dismissed, shaking his head.

I scrunched my eyebrows together in confusion, there was quite obviously something bothering him that he was not willing to share- another thing I found odd seen as lately we had bonded to be rather close, intimate friends. I decided not to press anymore questions despite my curiosity, I didn’t want to put Alex off side and I was aware of Alex’s struggle in talking about feelings…he usually expressed them through writing and music. Showing Alex I respected and understood his desire not to talk, I simply nodded my head, taking one of his hands in mine and giving it a squeeze of reassurance before wordlessly standing up from the bed and leaving the room.

A part of me was sorry I had left Alex’s room that had been filled with solace because when I entered the kitchen there was Ben and Jess with their lips connected in a passionate kiss. The sight reducing me to feel physically sick, my stomach churning and my heart aching as it slammed rapidly against my chest. I cursed as Ben’s words cruelly replayed in my head, ‘No one will kiss you like that, Cassie and I want you to remember that.’
Rather than torture myself further with watching the couple any longer I put my head down, hurriedly exiting the room. Unfortunately I was unsuccessful, “Hey Cass,” Jess called out after me once obviously breaking away from her kiss with Ben.

I stopped dead in my tracks, my shoulders slumping in defeat as I spun on my heel to face the couple yet again. Instinctively I folded my arms, crossing them across my chest as I saw Ben’s arms snaked around Jess’ waist. I felt so awkward standing there, a small art of me feeling degraded by Ben’s gaze that was fixed on me. The remaining part of me, was feeling a strong, deep guilt as I was confronted by Jess.

“Are you busy? I need to talk to you.” she asked whilst leaning into Ben’s chest.

My throat felt dry as I attempted to swallow the guilt I was wallowing in, my lungs constricting, depriving me of fresh air causing a hitch in my breathing. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I was in a major state of panic as I convinced myself Jess knew about my dirty deeds with Ben. I took a shaky and shallow breath before answering her ‘no’, my voice cracking during the response.

With that Jess shot me a small smile, “Good, because I’m coming with you for a walk.” She quickly pushed herself away from Ben, snaking her way out of his arms before approaching me.

“Babe, I thought we were going to spend some time together.” Ben groaned in which I rolled my eyes at his pathetic mood.

Jess just shrugged her shoulders, not seeming to give an absolute shit about letting Ben down, “We can later, Ben but for now I need some time to talk to my friend, okay?!”

Now I was downright confused as to why she needed to talk to me. It sure as hell couldn’t have been about my encounters with Ben if she was calling me her ‘friend’…unless she was psycho, really forgiving or delusional and drugged up?!

Ben didn’t seem overly thrilled that I had stolen his girlfriend from him yet he didn’t seem to mind the idea of me stealing Jess’ boyfriend… Jess shot Ben a look warning him not to bother protesting because her mind was made up and she needed to speak to me. He sighed before mumbling to Jess that she owed him. I couldn’t help but scoff at their loyalty system. If Jess owed Ben for talking to a friend then I couldn’t imagine what Ben owed her for cheating with me!

With that, Jess tugged at my arm leading us out of the kitchen to outside where we began to walk aimlessly. It was silent for the first few minutes which I found myself uneasy despite the refreshing crisp air and stunning sight of nature surrounding us. Of course it was Jess that broke the silence between us, a small smile tugging on the corner of her mouth, “So…” she let her words dangle, mid sentence.

My voice flat, “So…?” I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans to avoid fiddling with them as I always did when nervous.

She stopped in her tracks, giving my shoulder a playful slap as she unleashed her smile, “Oh come on, so you and Gaskarth! What’s the deal?” she laughed like a little school girl before moving back into a slow paced walk in which I followed behind her.

“Oh,” I finally caught onto what this was all about, “umm yeah, things are good?” I wasn’t quite sure how to answer truthfully; I was too busy swimming in shame. Seeing Jess so excited and stoked for me to have found a romance with Alex made me feel extremely guilty. Jess didn’t deserve this, she was so damn loyal and genuine that it was killing me a little that I had began to grow jealous of her. I knew I should’ve just learnt to appreciate her for the great friend she is to me rather than to deem her a frenemy I was to compete with.

Her eyes widened in surprise as she looked at me, “Good?! Just good?” her voice gaining volume and grew more enthused with the conversation. All I manage as a response was to nod, because the more I lied the more pathetic I felt.

“Hmm, it has to be more than just good! What’s been happening between you two? I heard you two were sleeping together the other night…oh and you have been pretty cosy around each other if I may add.” she said in a cheeky tone trying to torment me.

I bit my lower lip feeling slightly embarrassed she knew about my little sleep over with Alex. “How did you know we were ‘bunking’ together? I over emphasised the pronunciation of the word to send a clear message of how harmless the act was and hint towards the innocence of Alex and I.

“Zack told Ben.” she replied with ease whilst fiddling with the delicate silver bracelet she wore on her wrist.

An inevitable smirk escaped me knowing Ben was aware of my intimacy with Alex; I was confident that would drive Ben crazy with jealousy. Before I could oppress the smirk I realised how stupid I was being, thinking of Ben and playing his sick little games. I can’t deny that I enjoyed making Ben jealous in the same way he made me envious with Jess however I was tired of the lies, secrets, the betrayal and twisted games.

“I am still surprised you’re got a thing for Alex though!” Jess enthused cheerfully, interrupting my thoughts.

I chuckled while tucking loose strands of hair behind my ear, “Believe me, I am too.”

Jess shook her head looking at me as if I’d misunderstood her, a small grin returning to her face.

I couldn’t help but send her a similar small smile despite my confusion, my eyes narrowed in curiosity, “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Jess bit her bottom lip as she folded her arms across her chest, she shrugged casually before admitting “It’s just…well I always thought it was you and Zack, but you proved me wrong.” a soft laugh escaping her lips. “It doesn’t matter who it is anyway, Cass. As long as he makes you happy!” she shot me a genuine smile that spread from ear to ear revealing her straight set of pearly whites, her eyes warm and smiling even.

I gulped, feeling nauseous. The friendly look she was giving me made me feel like a piece of dirt, she was obviously a far better person than me. It was then I heard Ben’s fucking voice replay in my head but this time I made better sense of his words ….
‘what you’re doing is dumb…’
He was exactly right even though my interpretation wasn’t what he meant.
Never the less, I was being dumb which was why it was time to see the stop sign and hit the brakes.