I Caught Myself

My moral conscience was growing slightly stronger, close to resembling a rattle snake. The interference of ethics slithering amongst my thoughts and my guilt was like snake’s venom poisoning and rattling in my head, driving me crazy. What I had done to Jess was a horrible thing, it was outright betrayal. It was one thing to put an end to the foolish games Ben and I had decided to play but it was another to confess to committing the crime. I wasn’t sure what to do with myself and it wasn’t as if I could ask any of my other friends for advice on the situation seen as they were not aware I was dealing with cleaning up a mess that I had deliberately made for myself…
Fuck I had been frequently recalling my options on how to deal with the problem, none of them appealing or least harmful in hurting anyone involved.

Option One was sort of simple in a warped way, don’t tell Jess. However that would result in the risk of living with my guilt and lying to Jess for eternity whilst knowing Jess is dating an unfaithful partner.

The Second was to runaway and start fresh, by cutting ties with all the people involved I wouldn’t have to be reminded of my mistake daily or face the consequences either. The ramifications in running away though wouldn’t be easy, even though I wouldn’t be reminded of my mistake I would loose my friends which seems a lot to sacrifice…

My third option appeared the scariest for me, and that was to tell Jess the truth and admit to what I had done. Although this option seemed the most rational in solving the problem seen as telling the truth is considered a virtue, the outcome to this seemed the most unpredictable which unsettled me. Confessing to what I had done would be painful for everyone to cope with, tarnish my reputation and destroy friendships. Any option seemed risky; none of them necessarily any better than the other seen as there seemed no right or wrong way to deal with such a terrible situation. The damage was done and it was too late for me to be considering Jess’, my friends or even my feelings in this situation because regardless someone would get hurt and nobody would win.

There I was sitting by the bonfire alone in the silent night, regretting that first kiss with Ben that sparked the flame of our affair. Never did I think things would go this far and that I’d let myself fall so deep into this mess. What started as an innocent passionate flame was now ignited into a fully blazing fire burning fiercely, it was dangerous. The saddest part was I knew the fire had to die, everything between Ben and I would turn cold, it would turn to ash. I gnawed on my lower lip, my arms wrapped around my knees, hugging myself tightly into a ball to stay warm and in attempt to comfort myself. I sighed knowing there was no way to put myself at ease. My neck was stiff from the muscles tensing with stress and my head ached as it was swarmed with thoughts; my temples pounding and throbbing in pain.

I had been sitting out in the cool night air with only the fire as companion for easily two hours, usually I would find this peaceful and reassuring but as of lately been stranded with only time to think proved to be detrimental to my wellbeing. I heard the faint crunch of dry leaves scattered amongst the ground crush against footsteps. The sounds progressively nearing towards me when finally I felt the presence of a being linger behind me, moving to the side to sit beside me. The sound of leaves crunching ceased once the trail of footsteps stoped and all to be heard was the person’s soft breathing alongside mine. I felt the presence of them beside me, though I couldn’t bring myself to look at who it was, I didn’t even dare steal a glance from the corner of my eye. I shut my peripheral vision down putting all my energy into focussing my stare on the fire as I silently cursed it for reminding me of Ben.

“Do we need to talk?” he barely whispered sounding almost afraid, his voice so gentle and quiet it was almost inaudible and lost in the night’s cool breeze.

I gasped, overwhelmed by the combination of my heightened emotions and his concern. My throat ached, feeling dry and scratchy, while my pulse quickened. The urge to breakdown into tears was strong but my will to maintain composure in front of him was more powerful. I chocked back tears, blinking my eyes to prevent the tears that were welling in my eyes from falling. Instead, I straightened up, unwrapping my arms and freeing my legs from the grip. I moved my gaze from the fire to the boy who sat beside me wearing an intense look while he stared deeply at the fire, not bold enough to look at me. I swallowed the lump in my throat, pausing to think carefully of what to say to him. My situation was helpless, I didn’t know how to explain myself, I was pathetic.

“I’ve done something wrong, Zack.” I pursed my lips together after letting the words rush from my mouth in panic and despair. The nerves eating at me, my foot tapped rapidly against the dusty ground and my hands fiddled ludicrously. He wouldn’t look at me; his intense expression didn’t falter, not giving away an emotional reaction or any hints as to what he was thinking. The silence haunted the two of us; the tension in the air was thick and unsettling.

Finally Zack brought his hands to his face, hiding himself away for a mere minute before rubbing his face to refresh himself. He turned his head to allow his hazel eyes to reach direct contact with mine, his rusty blonde curls tousled in the breeze. “Look, honestly… he hesitated, before sighing and softly admitting, “I don’t really want to know. All I want to hear, is that you’re okay?” his voice laced with concern and his eyes danced with panic as they begun to search my face for reassurance.

I opened my mouth though no words formed as I struggled with what to say to him, “It’s not that easy, I’m afraid.” I confessed while shaking my head letting him know I was far from ‘okay’.

Before I could continue on in explaining myself, or how I was feeling anyway, Zack interjected, “Nothing is ever easy, Cassie but lets just accept that, okay?” There was a hint of desperation in his voice, as if he seemed to be struggling in pessimistically admitting to life being harsh and emotions being complicated. “Nothing is fun with us anymore…Everything is… difficult” he sighed in frustration.

I took that as my que to zip my lips and revisit the vow of silence we had previously lapsed into. Zack was obviously distressed and disturbed, in no state to assist me with the haunted feelings and thoughts of guilt consuming me. To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t sure what Zack’s statement really meant and as curious as I was for answers I knew not to question it in a time of vulnerability. We were both in a fragile state.

I laced my hand with Zack’s and rested my head upon his shoulder feeling the slightest form of inner peace for a mere second before the moment was ruined with the call of my name. My body couldn’t help but stiffen, all my muscles tensing as I heard the voice drip with venom, my name practically being spat. As of lately I hated the way he said my name, in fact I was beginning to hate everything about him, he was becoming less desirable by the minute as I gained my senses realising how treacherous a character he really was. The power he held over me was wicked and dangerous, something I was training myself not to fall for…let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. It was like a drug, an addictive love/ hate relationship. I silently cursed him for disrupting my false sense of security with Zack for that mere second.

“Are you going to see what he wants?” Zack whispered quietly to me, his breath warmly brushing my ear. It was clear Zack hadn’t registered Ben’s bitter tone; instead he was suspicious as to why I was ignoring our friend.

I nodded; my eyes were clamped shut tightly as I dreaded confronting Ben. Luckily Zack couldn’t see my face that was buried near his chest and hidden with loose stands of my long golden hair. Eventually I forced my eyes open, slowly lifted my head off Zack’s shoulder and pulled myself to my feet turning on my heel and hesitantly approaching Ben whose figure was tensed looking livid in the doorway. Zack remained by the bonfire, his back facing us, the distance and darkness causing him to slowly fade from my vision.

Instead of speaking to Ben in the doorway, knowing the risk of Zack overhearing or unveiling Ben’s and my secret I continued walking towards my bedroom, brushing past a very frustrated Ben. I could feel him follow me down the hallway of the house however I was not anxious as I knew this needed to be dealt with and the timing was perfect; most of the household had crashed in the lounge room in front of the television watching a marathon of movies. There was no fear in being caught out being with Ben seen as I knew for a fact Jess had crashed hours ago, falling asleep during Superbad, Rian soon following Jess to a state of unconsciousness. The only people remaining awake besides Ben and myself were Zack, who was currently by the bonfire and Alex, the only survivor successful in staying awake for the marathon.

As soon as I set foot in my empty bedroom, I flicked the light switch on before moving a few footsteps further into my room. I turned on my heel to finally confront Ben who I knew had trailed behind me and was present; as I faced him he was shutting the door behind him to enclose the two of us in the small room, ensuring privacy.

His eyes were narrowed, shotting laser stares at me, “What the fuck was that?” his voice indicating aggravation.

“What?” I spat feeling quite fed up with Ben’s mood swings. I genuinely had no idea what he was going on about this time.

I was sent an icy cold glare and he shook his head in disgust before filling me in, “That shit out there, with Merrick.”

I scoffed, of course, Ben was jealous. Only this time, I wasn’t as flattered by his envious green eyes as I was when I flirted with Gaskarth…now I was plain sick and tired of Ben’s bullshit. “Fuck off, Ben.” I said confidently before heading towards the door.

Ben intercepted my path, blocking my passage to the door, he was now a close and uncomfortable proximity away from me. His face still scrunched and twisted into an expression of fury,Don’t tell me to fuck off Cassie!” his anger rising.

“I’m done, Ben!” I exclaimed, “For good...” My voice firm to clearly send the message this was the demise of our stupid games, “I’m done.” I repeated, stretching out the words with emphasis to indicate their deliberate meaning.

Now Ben scoffed in disbelief, he was ready to protest but before he could I cut him off, “ I mean it, Ben!” I watched his cockiness crumble, his confidence gradually deflating as he allowed us to fall into silence giving him time to let my words sink in.

He shook his head looking sceptic before clamping his fists into balls of wrath, his jaw clenched in frustration, “This is bullshit, Cassie! You know it.”

“You know what is bullshit, Ben?” I seethed, inching my face closer to his as I felt the rage boil inside of me now, “You promising me that you wanted me. You, promising me that you would leave Jess… that is complete and utter bullshit, Ben! How dare you fucking have a go at me like this you lying scum bag. You’re so fucking selfish! ” I pointed aggressively in his face.

Ben grabbed my wrist of the hand that was in his face to patronise him, his grip tight and fierce hurting me whenever I resisted and went to pull away. He eventually took both my wrists in his hands; his grasp was so strong it left me feeling slightly helpless and physically weak.

Once I finally calmed down after retaliating physically he loosened the grip on my wrists allowing my arms to rest down by my sides peacefully. It was then that he inched closer to my face with our noses just grazing, with an arched eyebrow and a collected tone he challenged, “And you’re not, Cassie?”

My shoulders slumped in defeat knowing very well I was just as selfish as Ben; we were as bad as each other. I exhaled stale air roughly in disgust whilst pushing Ben’s chest harshly to create a gap to avoid the temptation of either kissing him or punching him in the nose. It was then that Ben let go of my wrists, red marks of where his hands had been securely grasped onto my skin were visible.

“We’re done. From now on, Ben. This is finished. It was me or Jess and you picked her.” My voice was shaky though I knew this needed to end for my own sake.

Ben pushed stray hairs off his face in an agitated manner before complaining, “That’s not fair, Cassie. How could I pick you or Jess when you can’t pick between Gaskarth, Merrick or me?”

All I could do was shake my head in fury before calmly dismissing this conversation, “I may not know what it is that I want right now, but I know it’s not you.” My eyes narrowed fiercely as I shot Ben a look of repulsion as if he were an insignificant piece of dirt.

Suddenly Ben went to close the gap between us, hastily moving in to steal a kiss from my lips but I had improved in my game. I was prepared and one step ahead of him, moving my head to the side dodging his lips that was mere centimetres away from crashing onto mine. Using my agility I then straightened out the palm of my hand, slicing it through the air and letting it land abruptly and harshly on his cheek. The slap had been impressive, the noise of my hand colliding with Ben’s cheek made me wince at the thought of the force I had used and the minute I pulled my hand away, the red mark stained on his skin confirmed how painfully violent it must’ve been. Funnily enough, I didn’t regret it.

Ben raised his hand to his cheek to cradle it as his body crouched over dramatically in both pain and shock. “Ouch, you fucking bitch!” he groaned, cursing me violently.

A wave of triumph and liberation washed over me as I confidently strode out the door while threatening in a deep, low voice, “Don’t you dare touch me again or I’ll tell Jess who you really are Ben.”

Although I wasn’t confident enough to believe I could ever confess to Jess I knew I had at least done one right thing by my friend and that was enough to put my mind at ease for the night.