I Caught Myself

“I…I-what?” I managed to splutter after stumbling over his statement. My head was beginning to feel like a pinball machine, all these thoughts shooting back and fourth like the silver ball, bouncing round and round in my head at a rapid speed.

Zack corrected his posture, straightening his spine so he sat tall and confidently, “It’s okay, Cass. I get it, you don’t have to talk to me about it if you don’t want to.”

Shaking my head quickly the word spilled from my mouth instantly,“No!’

I couldn’t be certain but I suspect it was hurt and offence that pinched Zack’s face before he rearranged his expression to be one of empathy, “Alright, I predicted you’d be uncomfortable talking about this but just know I’m here for you and will kick his arse if he hurts you.”

“No!” I repeated again idiotically, my head still shaking from side to side to rebut his assumptions. It was then my palm collided with my forehead, realising how dumb I must’ve looked and how confused Zack must’ve been- he now looked like a tourist lost in a foreign city with no map. Sucking in a deep breath of fresh air, I took the time to arrange thoughts and carefully select choice of words. “Zack,” his name drawn out slowly and softly, “I don’t see Alex in that way. I consider him as nothing more than a friend.”

A part of me wanted to tell him that he seemed to have more of an effect on me as of lately, that it was his body that my eyes seemed to enjoy wondering and even devouring…that it was his presence that made blood rush to my cheeks tinting them with a pink blush…that it was his close proximity that sent my heart racing into overdrive- instead I didn’t. Mainly because I wasn’t sure what it all meant. I also wasn’t sure what my intentions were if I were to impulsively share such intimate information.

Once the words had been processed Zack’s reaction was to simply nod, and with that the conversation was over. This disappointed me, however there was nothing more to be said, if it hadn’t been dismissed I’d have only confessed impulsive and irrational feelings to Zack that I was certain was just a phase or potential cure for my loneliness. I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore.

Zack then gently pushed himself off of the bed, moving towards the doorframe before drawing his feet to a halt and spinning on his heel to check I was following behind him. Instead he found me still seated not having moved from the bed, just simply staring at him intently, lost in thought. He leaned against the doorframe casually with his arms folded across his chest wearing a frown and an amused smile all in the same expression. My guess was he was expecting me to snap out of my daze and follow his lead however I wasn’t ready for this moment to fade.

“What happens when the sun sets on the last day of summer break?” blinking in a blank state, I awaited his response.

An eyebrow raised inquisitively as he tilted his head to the side to reflect on my question, “I could be a real smart ass right now and tell you the moon takes the sun’s place in lighting up the sky for the night…but that’s not what you meant by the question I take it.” He sighed, his shoulders slumping forward as he transfixed himself into a state of anxiousness, uncertainty and bemusement, “We’ll call, text,skype, tweet, write each other…the lot, whatever it takes to keep in contact.”

“Right.” I nodded strenuously feigning optimism with a weak smile as if all the forms of communication he listed could cure the distance the end of summer break would curse our friendship with.

Interrupting any further conversation was the blaring of a car horn which was a means to recruit its passengers; we were finally ready to leave for home. Zack shot me a weak smile in return waiting for me while I pushed myself off of the bed to make way to the car. It was at that moment the simplest thing happened as I walked alongside him, his hand unintentionally brushed against mine. His touch was electric surging from my fingertips through my hand travelling to the rest of my body, the sensation thrilling yet confusing all the same. I snuck in breathes of fresh air in attempt to calm my racing heartbeat as we walked to the white van we’d travelled in for the duration of the trip.

Upon approaching the van, Zack’s and my own facial expression contorted into uneasiness as we witnessed Izzy awaiting our arrival from behind the steering wheel in the driver’s seat, Jack belted up stiffly beside her in the front passenger seat of the vehicle appearing an unhealthy shade of white.

“I thought Jack would be driving us home. “ Zack murmured quietly to me, avoiding moving his lips at all costs to prevent Izzy from suspecting or recognising our nervousness from her driving.

Helplessly, I gnawed on my lower lip, “So did I.” my voice cracking from the panicky feeling stirring inside of me.

Zack then muttered something inaudible, I’m guessing his last words and prayers, before we approached the backdoor of the van in which Zack graciously slid open lending an arm for support to assist me in getting into the vehicle. Once Zack followed suit, climbing into the van and we buckled up Izzy twisted the keys in the ignition.

I couldn’t help but doubt the seatbelt’s purpose which now appeared to be a weak, oversimplified and flimsy restraint. It wasn’t that Izzy was a bad driver, rather her road rage and led foot made the journey intense. Izzy could usually be described with a pleasant string of words with the exception of when she was on the road. She gave Alex a run for his money in shaping the definition of road rage; her aggressive, impatient and violent streak prominent when driving. Having a horrible tendency to spit a series of obscenities and blare the horn at all the incompetent drivers on the road was only the beginning of Izzy’s rage. What heightened the anxiety for all Izzy’s passengers at present was the simple fact the van was manual, a skill Izzy wasn’t accustom to yet meaning this would be one of her first times driving properly on a road with civilised traffic. The thrill of learning a manual car excited Izzy and she had pleaded persistently with Jack to teach her the tricks of the trade, eventually he caved to his girlfriend’s begging volunteering to supervise her whilst she experimented with the vehicle on isolated properties. The day Jack gave in to his girlfriend’s pleas was the day the roads no longer remained safe, for Izzy was determined to learn and insisted she prepare to be component in driving the four of us home from this trip. Today’s ride back home would be an ultimate test for not only Izzy who would have to adjust to driving on ‘real roads’ but for Jack, Zack and I in remaining calm and staying alive.

Bouncing in her seat before readjusting the rear view mirror one final time, Izzy sort confirmation to take off, “Everyone ready?”

Gulping nervously I chimed in, “Uh huh” along with Zack’s murmured, “I guess.” and Jack’s shaky and low “Yeah.” We were hardly convincing or reassuring however this didn’t bruise her spirits.

With a massive grin spread across her face, Izzy applied pressure to the pedal before releasing the clutch sending the car into motion in which I was positive caused Zack’s, Jack’s as well as my own stomach to drop however we all remained tight lipped allowing Izzy to take control.

***
The journey home couldn’t be deemed peaceful however after a few initial mistakes of stalling the engine Izzy eventually got the hang of it, getting into a rhythm and understanding the manual system. This was enough to allow Jack, Zack and I to relax temporarily, our muscles ceased from tensing as we sat back further into our seats. Jack was an exceptional supervising driver, his voice soothing as he gently guided and commanded Izzy on what to do. His eyes were fixed on the road; highly alert watching for any unpredictable danger Izzy may miss. For this I was highly thankful, without Jack’s monitoring and watchful eyes the four of us may have ended up as mince meat. The rising of Izzy’s confidence in driving a manual was almost fatal as she boldly attempted to pull out onto the highway and merge with the regular flow of the traffic. However Izzy didn’t seem to account for the swift speed in which the traffic was travelling at, so when she decided to pull out and cut off a rapidly approaching monstrous four-wheeled drive a collision was so close to taking its course.

“Shit! Foot on the pedal Iz!” Jack screeched in panic, aware of how close the vehicle to the right was at sweeping us off the road and cleaning us up for good. The whole scenario happened so fast, within the blink of an eye. My pulse immediately quickening to an unnatural fast pace as an initial panicked reaction to Jack’s shrieking voice. Zack’s eyes widened in a similar manner to mine, a curse word leaving Zack’s mouth as his vision focussed on the four-wheeled drive travelling uncomfortably in what felt like mere inches away from us.

Luckily Izzy’s foot seemed to be naturally magnetized to the accelerator and she didn’t choke under the immense pressure. She pressed her foot hard pushing the pedal to the floor, the car engine quickly responding and picking up enough power to create a safe travelling distance between the cars before she safely merged properly into a lane, travelling in uniformity with the sea of traffic.

Jack allowed a sigh of relief to escape him from the front seat before he twisted his body to face Zack and I, “Are you guys okay?”

Zack and I simultaneously nodded in a stunned and shocked silence, allowing ourselves time to recover and process what had happened. Jack’s dark brown eyes darted from us to Izzy whose attention was devoted to the traffic ahead of her, “Are you alright, babe?” he enquired.

“Yeah, the arsehole just came out of no where. Talk about gunning it last minute!” Izzy huffed; blowing a strand piece of hair away that had fallen from her ponytail into her eyes.

“Yeah, don’t worry about that now! Just focus on the road.” he both instructed and warned firmly. “If you’re too stressed then I can drive us all home.” using a gentle tone he volunteered.

Zack and I exchanged a look of plead and hope that the god’s above would for once cease conspiring against us and allow Izzy to surrender the wheel to Jack, in whom we all had faith to drive us home safely. I held my breath as I awaited Izzy’s response; Zack had his fingers crossed while wishfully thinking.

We were shit out of luck. “I’m fine, Jack. I can do this.” she insisted stubbornly, a hint of annoyance in her tone as she took offence to Jack’s doubt in her driving. She abruptly pushed her foot to the accelerator jerking the car forward at an increasingly faster speed.

Jack threw his hands in the air, “Alright Iz, I was only making sure you were in a proper state to drive. Sorry for being concerned about everyone’s wellbeing.” With that, the car fell back into an intense and ear splitting silence. Sadly this made me feel slightly safer knowing there was no conversations or music to distract Izzy from the road.

I turned my head to check on Zack, whose foot I noticed was repeatedly tapping, a sign indicating the stressful state he was currently enduring. It was only a natural coping mechanism in such a tense environment, I was feeling wound up myself. I could understand how freaked Zack must’ve felt seeing the car so close beside him previously; it was so close to crushing him and Jack. Softly I rested my hand on his thigh which was shaking still from his foot tapping; he immediately stopped after the gesture. “Are you alright?” I mouthed to him quietly feeling concerned, it was horrible witnessing Zack stirred up like this.

He closed his eyes, taking in a calming breath while shaking his head in affirmation hesitantly and slowly before reopening his eyes to make contact with mine. I gave him a half smile before pulling one of his hands away from the other he was fiddling with. Taking his hand in both of mine I traced circles with my thumbs softly to try to soothe and reassure him. He gave my hand a gentle squeeze to let me know he’d be okay before shuffling in his seat to move closer to me. The familiar scent of Zack’s cologne enveloped my senses- a fresh, pleasant blend of crisp spices and zesty fruits with a faint undertone of floral. The definition of toned arm muscle couldn’t have gone unnoticed as my head rested upon his shoulder, despite his baggy navy T-shirt hiding his gym efforts. As I rested my eyelids shut feeling Zack rest his head softly atop of mine, I was ridiculously wishing I could peer into the future so I knew how it was going to be.