I Caught Myself

When I woke I found comfort in the morning’s warm summer rays softly kissing my face and arm that was hanging over the sheet. What I found to be even cosier was the warmth of Zack’s body curled up beside me. As I stirred awake to full consciousness I noticed Zack gently twirling a strand of my blonde hair with his finger. That was enough to send my heartbeat somersaulting at an uneven and accelerated pace. Our legs were intertwined and wrapped up within one another, hidden under the sheets. If I wouldn’t appear a complete lunatic doing so I honestly would’ve pinched myself to reaffirm that this was reality. I was sharing a bed with Zack after a very intimate-but innocent night together. Putting the icing on the cake, those feelings didn’t disappear with the darkness, instead here was Zack playing with my hair and breathing barely a whisper into my ear ever so sweetly “Morning”. The sun was up, the intimacy still lingering. My teeth sunk down chewing nervously on my bottom lip and a coy school girl smile crept upon my face.

“Morning” I echoed his greeting before grabbing his sturdy arm and wrapping it tighter around me. He easily obliged shifting his body closer to seal any distance between us left.

Luckily we were laying down or I could guarantee my knees would have buckled by now and gave way-that or I would’ve turned light headed and fainted from the lack of oxygen due to forgetting to breath consistently.

“This is nice.” I admitted bashfully, enjoying the indescribable feeling of pure ecstasy Zack’s presence had upon me.

He formed a lopsided grin before tilting my chin upwards so our eyes could meet and we were face to face. So gently and smoothly he leaned forward to kiss me, our lips moving in sync. I ran my fingers through his hair while his hand lingered on my lower back. The bare skin exposed from where my jumper had crept up prickled with heat as Zack’s fingertips ghosted across it. I let my hands roam around Zack’s upper body feeling the muscle definition of his ripped arms and chest. The kiss becoming more heated as our lips moved faster as if hungry for more.

The bubble of bliss created soon evaporated as the mobile phone vibrated loudly on the bedside table, the screen lighting up with an incoming call. Ignoring the interruption, Zack and I continued with tongue hockey relishing the heated moment and exploring each other intimately. The silent plea for the phone buzzing to cease was not answered, the caller persisted to call. The phone bounced around the wooden table.
My forehead creased with a frown as I began to become distracted by the constant irritating buzz; slightly I pulled away from Zack’s lips in which he groaned in protest.

“Just ignore it” he mumbled against my lips before continuing making out. I moved my face away again to which Zack planted kisses down my neck. It was hard for me to resist him, “Zack,” I whined.

“Just turn it off” his fingertips ghosting across the exposed skin near my hips. Not wanting to crush his ego I gently cupped his cheek rubbing small gentle circles with my thumb, “I’m really sorry but I think I need to take this call-it seems urgent seen as they keep trying to contact me every five minutes…”

Zack sighed before turning onto his back in defeat looking disappointed by the abrupt end to our intimacy. I wanted to roll over and reconnect lips and take off where we last left off but my phone wouldn’t quit vibrating. When I grabbed the phone off the table the name ‘Jess’ flashed across the screen. I was most definitely confused, “It’s Jess?”

If I wasn’t racking my brain so hard as to why Jess would be calling me at 9.30 in the morning- relatively early for summer holidays- my cheeks would have been flushed pink by the sight of Zack. With arms propped up behind his head on the pillow revealing a flexed set of triceps and biceps, customized with his colourful tattoos, “Why would she call this early?” His hair a dishevelled mop with loose strands of curls falling upon his face.

“I’m asking myself the same question…” My shoulders shrugged, slumping forward. I quickly accepted Jess’ call before she had to redial, taking a seat on the edge of Zack’s bed I crossed my legs and placed the phone to my ear.

“Hello?” My voice still sounding sleepy.

Ignoring the greeting, Jess cut the bullshit skipping straight to the point, “Cassie, we need to talk.”

Zack was trying to tease and lure me back to him, drawing soft circles and swirls with his finger on my back. It would’ve tempted me had I not been so worried by the grave, firm tone Jess was currently using with me.

“Umm, okay? Go for it” I encouraged her to continue on.

“Meet at mine.” Her harsh tone never faltering.

I began to feel nervous; unsure of what it was exactly I was in for, “Ahh, right now?”

“Yes, right now.” I could hear her growing impatient with me.

I glanced back at Zack who had now propped himself up on his elbow with his head resting in his hand. A matching look of confusion was exchanged between us.

“Is it urgent Jess? I’m actually kind of-”

“If you have the slightest amount of respect and care for me and our friendship then you will come right now.”

I felt like I was being called to the Principal’s office only it was scarier because the person I was dealing with was a friend. A distressed friend at that who may have a troubles keeping level headed judging by the short, snappy conversation we were having. Jess was struggling to keep her cool with each and every minute of the conversation passing. Knowing best not to threaten our friendship, I agreed to meet her.

“Okay, I’ll be there as fast as I can. I’m leaving now.” I promised hoping she wouldn’t reach boiling point before the end of the phone call.

Abruptly Jess hung up, leaving me with the sound of the dial tone beeping. I found myself exhaling a deep breath in relief, it was a breath I hadn’t realised I was holding in while chatting to Jess. Sitting on the edge of the mattress I found my bare foot tapping rapidly against the timber floor as I felt a wave of anxiousness overcome me. Sinking my teeth into my bottom lip I chewed at it worriedly while fiddling with my hands. Sucking in a deep breath I knew what I had to do, not wanting to upset Jess anymore than I apparently already had.

“Well, it looks like I’ve got to go.” I turned so my eyes met with Zack’s green ones.

He leaned closer to me, his thumb tracing my bottom lip which was now red and swollen from gnawing on it nervously. “Are you alright?”

I simply nodded before tucking a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. Next minute, Zack rolled over quickly tossing a shirt on and reaching for his car keys and wallet which were carelessly tossed on the floor last night. “Come on then.” He gently took my hand leading me to his car where I began to function on auto-pilot, buckling my seatbelt while preoccupied with the concern of Jess. We didn’t bother gathering my baggage from the trip away, figuring we could come straight back to Zack’s to retrieve it afterwards.

“Jess said for me to meet her at her house.” I told Zack to which he nodded and stuck the keys in the car ignition before heading towards the direction of Jess’ house.

The silence was thick on the car ride there. Zack wore a worried expression, constantly glancing at me before focussing on the traffic ahead of him. I barely noticed this too concerned with the problem with Jess. Once more for that morning my phone buzzed again, only this time I had received a text message. I was horrified when I saw the name that flashed upon the screen. All the missing, jagged pieces of this situation were coming together to form a clearer picture for me.

My hands were shaky as I opened the text message which read: “She knows.”

My stomach dropped. Immediate knots and ulcers swirl around to create the feeling of nausea. Staring at the little mirror on the sunshade I watched any colour I had suddenly drain from my cheeks, transforming to resemble a ghostly white shade. I had bitten down so hard on my bottom lip teeth imprints were evident. I felt my temperature rise as I broke into a perfusive, nervous sweat. Struggling to keep an even paced rhythm of breathing I found myself squirming in my seat ready to be sick.

Feeling the sour taste of stomach acid clawing it’s way up my throat I clamped a sweaty hand over my mouth, “Zack, pull over!”

With little time to spare Zack had abruptly shaken the steering wheel down into a full left lock, pushing his foot on the accelerator to cut off the car behind. Swiftly he indicated to pull up to the side curb. I quickly fumbled with unbuckling my seatbelt before pulling the door leaver and kicking it open only to lean over just in time onto the sidewalk grass. My knees hit the soft, damp grass and I reached for my hair holding it back with one hand while the other leant on the grass to hold myself upright. Without any control, the contents of my stomach were emptied onto the patch of grass in front of me. The smell of putrid vomit making me feel even queasier, I dry retched ready to spew again. It all happened so quickly. Zack had cut off the car engine and ran around to be by my side. He helped hold my hair out of my face while I stared at the grass trying to calm myself down. I felt so weak.

“You’re so hot and clammy, Cass!” Zack discovered as he placed his cool palm against my sweaty forehead.

Before I knew it I was vomiting again, coughing as the last of it came out. It was disgusting. I slowly sat up right, still kneeling on my knees while I wiped my mouth with my sleeve. I tried to regain composure taking deep breaths. Zack was now rubbing my back in soothing circular motions trying to comfort me, it only made me feel more distressed.

“Don’t touch me please Zack!” I cried hopelessly, feeling tears water and brim around my eyes.

He ignored me, continuing to try and comfort me, “It’s okay, Cass. You’re okay.” He smoothed back my hair, pushing loose strands behind my ear and holding it off my clammy neck.

This time I pushed his chest to wedge distance between us, “Please Merrick, stay away. I don’t want to be touched.” I choked out between sobs.

Immediately he listened, standing up from his crouching position beside me and backing away with both hands forfeited in the air. “I’m sorry.”

“No. No, please don’t be. It’s me.” I wailed hopelessly, sniffing as I roughly wiped my damp cheeks with the back of my hand. The feeling of guilt unravelling me apart. I felt my energy quickly being drained from me. “C-C-Can we p-please k-keep going?” I stuttered in a barely inaudible whisper to Zack knowing I now had to confront my demons.

“Cassie you’re not well enough for this, Jess will understand.” Zack’s voice soft and full of compassion.

I just shook my head, fighting against him. Weakly I pushed myself up off the grass, and slid back into the passenger seat waiting for Zack. Without an argument Zack followed with his lips curled downwards, worried. He started the car, winding down my window for fresh air before we continued driving. “Please tell me if you’re feeling like you’re going to be sick again.”

I nodded to him before slipping my eyes shut focussing on breathing and remaining calm. Zack had no idea what was going on, but I knew all too well. And now Jess knew too. The trial had begun and I was about to be found guilty as charged for lusting after her boyfriend.