I Caught Myself

Upon entering Jess’ bedroom I didn’t feel worthy of sitting so I decided to stand. I stand in the corner leaning against the pink feature wall by the window, rendered speechless. My focus on Izzy, her arm around Jess’ shoulders with pursed lips not daring say a word. Jess is sitting on her bed, legs cradled in her arms with her chin resting on top of her knees. Her spine prominent as she wraps her body tighter into a ball with a blank expression on her face. She tries to look at me but it is all too much for her; she has to redirect her eyes in disgust.

I can’t read one clear emotion on Jess’ face- not that this surprises me seen as she is dealing with a cocktail of emotions spiked with betrayal, confusion, anger, disappointment and misery to name a few. The girl’s head must be spinning I imagine-an effect from the emotional punch I’ve thrown at her.

The skin on the side of Jess’ neck appears irritated, red scratch marks from her fingernails…a habit of hers when she is nervous, unsure or frustrated. The last time I remember her scratching her neck like that was a week ago when we first went to Iz’s holiday house. She was worried, seeking my advice on how to get Ben to open up to her after Mickey died. The thought making me swallow the lump of guilt lodged in my throat.

Silence envelops the room, the tension building with every minute that passes. I am not sure whether it is my duty to cut through the silence with an apology or whether I’ve been called here by Jess to act as a punching bag for her to vent with. Opting to stay silent appears the safest bet. Instead I observe the damage I’ve caused. Dark shadows circle around Jess’ bloodshot eyes, I guess sleep has escaped her lately. Messily sitting atop of her head in a bun her caramel strands are greasy, with occasional loose strands flying in uneven directions from the elastic holding her hair together. Her face is clear of any make up meaning her skin is washed out and pale opposed to the shimmer, bronzed shine Jess always wears. Evidence of no eye make up gives the illusion of her eyes having both sunken inwards and shrinking to look smaller and undefined.

Finally Jess’ petite lips, cracked from dryness, part slowly. Her eyes narrow and teeth bear as she growls “You sicken me.”

These words alone are enough to make me feel scummy. I suck in a deep breath as if it will act as armour, preparing me for the verbal bullets I expect Jess to shoot at me.

But she is better than that. Instead of calling me the slimy names I deserve she sits there shaking her head, “I thought you were a best friend.” The shock of this stone cold truth still has her overwhelmed.

All I can think is ‘I’ve fucked up.’ I duck my head low feeling the weight of the shame.

“Why?” Her voice cracks.

I can’t look at her; it only makes the guilt worse. My eyes don’t break contact with the off white carpet.

Again she barely whispers, “Why did you do it, Cass? Just…why?” desperation yet hopelessness laces her voice.

All that comes to mind is the not so distant memory of sitting by the fire with Ben, ranting how much I did care for him before his lips collided with mine. I can’t remember if it were love or lust I was feeling…

I bury my face into my hands, hiding. My blonde strands fall from behind my ears across my face, like a curtain to cover the humiliation.

“I don’t know” I choke out feeling completely idiotic. “He said…” I stop the words trailing from my lips letting the sentence fall short. I realise it didn’t matter what Ben said, it was a lie. He lied to me like he did to Jess. Worse yet, from here in it was his word against mine and in Jess’ eyes we were both liars having betrayed her.

“He said what Cassie?!” she cries with spite though still completely baffled as to what Ben could say to trigger this.

The resentment towards Ben right now loaded and fired in my words at Jess, “He promised he would break up with you. He led me on, and I fell for his bullshit Jess. I thought I liked him and he showed an interest in me so I thought…it was a mistake, it was all a big fucking mistake.” I cry shaking my head, spinning with confusion. I spoke nothing but truth thinking back to that very drunk night he pulled me into that dark bedroom of his, his exact words embedded in my brain “Do we have to do this now? I’m thinking of breaking up with Jess, can’t we wait?” before our lips meshed together again with his hands snaked around my waist. Never have I felt more foolish.

“You thought wrong Cassie, it looks like you didn’t fucking think at all. All you’ve done is betrayed and hurt your friends by lying all the time. How are I supposed to trust you again?”

I shake my head, speechless. With damp cheeks and a sniffily nose all I can do is let the tears keep rolling. I cry from the realisation Ben probably never cared for me and intended to play me the fool, I cry for betraying Jess and ruining our friendship, I cry from the guilt of dragging Iz, Jack, Gaskarth, Rian and Zack into this sticky situation. I cry for myself for ruining all my close friendships and my real chance with a good guy like Zack. I cry in complete embarrassment in front of Jess and Iz, feeling sick for pitying myself like this when I am to blame.

Jess continued to shoot me down, “You’re selfish Cassie. You’re selfish and pathetic and a blatant liar. Grow the fuck up, it isn’t always about you. Ben chose me, but you just couldn’t handle the rejection. You have to have your way. Guess what... I pity your sick, twisted, pathetic self because after all of this you still can’t win and get what you want! Ben got a taste of you but he still chooses me because after all this he still has the balls to be honest with me and confess to the sick games you two have been playing. Not only does Ben not want you but now you’ve lost friends because you’ve shown them how sad and self absorbed you really are.” Malice drips in her voice as she talks down to me.

My back slides slowly down the wall until my bum hits the floor. I feel so small. There are no words worthy of a defence. Even I hate myself right now.

“I’m sorry Jess, I really am. That’s all I can offer you right now.” I whisper hoarsely.

Warm tears finally budge, sliding down Jess’ cheeks, “Well that’s not enough Cassie… you’ve really hurt me.”

I’d ignored Izzy’s presence until now where she pulled Jess into a tight hug attempting to give the girl a sense of comfort.

Frustrated with myself an outburst of words flung out of my mouth in a somewhat aggressive tone, “What do you want me to do Jess?” I throw my hands up in the air before calming down and pleading, “Tell me please. I want to make this right but I have no idea how to do that.”

“Neither do I Cassie, the damage is already done.” As I make direct eye contact with her I am reminded Jess is in for a series of restless nights, dark, bloodshot eyes and the constant lingering of paranoia. I’d set her up to struggle with trust for a good while… “I need time to think. I’m trying to digest the betrayal from two people I thought I could trust the most… I don’t want to have to see your face because honestly, right now, I can’t bear the sight of it without wanting to tear you hair out and claw your eyes to pieces. I hate you right now Cassie.”

I can’t help but flinch at the words drenched in malice. With that, I take my que to leave; no words could mend this now. I just nod at her indicating I understand and respect her wishes before slowly standing up from my spot on the floor and taking swift steps towards the door, head hung low.

As I make my way down the long corridor to the front door I hear the trail of footsteps from Jess’ room trying to catch up to me, “Cassie?” Stopping and turning on my heel, Iz is standing there wringing her hands awkwardly wearing a worried expression with her forehead creased and lips pursed.

I suck in a deep breath of fresh air aware the rhythm of my breathing is unsteady, I bite my tongue focusing on not to cry in front of Iz again. I notice Iz is struggling with the same problem, fighting back the tears beginning to prickle in her eyes.

Her voice shaky and weak, “I’m so disappointed in you…” she shakes her head disapprovingly, “…but we can work through this. Right now though, I have to be there for Jess because she’s going through a lot. I hope you understand this…”

I understand perfectly. I don’t deserve her friendship because I am in the wrong. I knew what I did was wrong the whole time but I’ve figured it out pretty quickly, I’m selfish. Exactly how Jess put it, so damn selfish which is why I find myself battling not to wallow in self pity.

Swallowing the lump lodged in my throat I nod before weakly adding, “Take care of her Iz, she needs you. I’ll be okay.”

Izzy just shakes her head looking worn out and exhausted from this emotional turmoil. Her usual perfect posture is ruined by slumped shoulders leaving Iz looking slouched and weak. A pang of guilt strikes in my gut again. I realise I need to leave now.

Leaving this skeleton behind wasn’t going to be easy because as I turn my back on Iz to leave at a haste speed I stop in my tracks immediately standing in Jess’ corridor. I feel all pairs of eyes in the room lay upon me waiting to witness my next move. The tension in the air is thick and the silence deafening.

I let my eyes travel the room to gauge the reaction of each of my friends. Gaskarth’s cocoa brown eyes are the first I connect with, his face scrunched up in an uncomfortable cringe as if there is a thorn stuck in his side. Feeling my gaze, he shifts his body awkwardly in the black leather sofa he is seated on. Sliding my vision along, I make contact with Rian seated beside Gaskarth and notice him shoot me a pathetic sympathy smile where only one side of his mouth is poorly curled up to feign a reassuring grin. Sadly I feel little comfort knowing this isn’t something that will mend itself. As I begin to drop my eyes to the floor they’re caught by the contact of Jack’s dark irises hiding behind his thick black fringe of hair. Jack’s back is slumped against the sofa Rian and Alex are sitting on, his legs outstretched on the floor making his body appear extra long and lanky. I guess panic sets in for Jack, unsure of how to respond he instead chooses to flick his fringe out of his eyes and direct his gaze behind my shoulder to where Izzy still stands.

A sigh escapes my lips, “I’m so sorry for this guys, I really am...”

It is barely acknowledged, but hearing Zack’s cynical snicker triggers another pang of pain to knot inside the pit of my stomach. His presence had not even been registered by me until now but it most certainly made impact on me. I see his fists progress to white from gripping tightly to the lounge he is standing in front of. He appears aggressive enough ready to rip the leather from the lounge at any given minute, evidence of his boiling anger embedded on the piece of furniture damaged with fingernail marks where his nails have dug deep ripping the material. He won’t dare look at me, and I fear this is because he is struggling to resist sucker punching and breaking my nose, instead using the lounge as his anger outlet. My mouth dangles open, speechless as I am preoccupied with watching Zack. It hurts so much.

The next few words meaning to land out in the open air of the room though seeming to be directed at Zack as my eyes glue to him, “It was never my intention to hurt you and for this to effect you the way it has...” I trail off uncertain of what to say next, not that there is any right thing to say.

Before I have the chance to continue on with anymore humiliating rambling my thoughts are distracted by the abrupt exit of Zack. Storming out of Jess’ house without another word he slams the door behind him causing the glass windows beside it to rattle and tremor. Everyone flinches in shock from the impact of the sudden loud noise.

After a moment of heavy silence the sound of Zack’s car is heard skidding rapidly down the street. My jaw is sore and I realise this is because subconsciously my teeth are clenched tightly together. I huff, exhaling a breath of stale air before curling my lip inward and staring at my feet which are concreted to the spot I stand.

Gaskarth clears his throat, pulling his fingers through his mop of shaggy brown hair. The leather lounge squeaks as he pushes himself off the sofa seat. Slowly he approaches me. Standing beside me, he gently touches my arm before leaning in close very cautiously as if any loud or abrupt movement will unsettle me. He can see I am fragile, like cracked china porcelain ready to crumble apart. Whispering faintly into my ear, so calm and so serene, “Let’s get you home, Cass.”

I remain still. Closing my eyes I press my fingers to my temples rubbing at the throbbing pain before stealing a couple of steadied deep breaths. It doesn’t get rid of the sick nauseous feeling I have though. Alex’s calloused hand is still gently resting on my arm; his thumb runs small circles over my skin. The affection and concern would’ve been endearing to me had I not loathed myself so much so to feel I don’t deserve such comfort.
Finally I nod my head signalling to him I’m ready to leave. In a delicate manner he guides me to the front door with his hand never leaving my arm acting as support, holding me upright. All my energy feels drained. It is as if I have rapidly aged with bones brittle and a fragile frame suddenly needing his sturdiness and strength to refrain me from collapsing. Of course there is an ear-splitting silence that remains with only the faint noise- soft pattering of Alex’s and my feet moving to the door- to be heard in this miserable house.

After buckling up and laying back on Alex’s passenger seat I turn my head to look out the window. Alex fiddles with his radio landing on some station playing music which he lets hum softly in the background. I let Alex drive while I just watch the world outside my window whoosh past me into a blur of colour.