I Caught Myself

I couldn’t tell you what time it was, let alone what day. I’d lost track of it all and nothing really mattered to me anymore.

Withdrawn from the world, I resorted to living a life hidden under my bed covers with my curtains closed to seal out any sunshine. Fatigue had defeated me and I wouldn’t even try and fight it because whenever I was awake I would just sob. A constant headache nagged, temples throbbing and cheeks damp from the tears that ran from my bloodshot eyes.

It was during this dark state I had trapped myself in I realised too little and too late my friends were my everything. My family life had never really been peachy; Dad walked out on our pathetic ‘family’ leading my mother to preoccupy her time with her boyfriend -who wanted nothing to do with myself or my younger brother Max.

The result was young Max leading a reclusive life voided of social skills but consumed with video games and the Internet while I just spent my days with the gang trying not to get upto too much mischief.

I remember when we were younger Zack and Ben could never understand why I would complain so much about having an empty house and no parental figure around half the time, all they saw was freedom but all I’d felt was loneliness.

While the boys dreamt up the possibilities like late nights, house parties, sneaking out easy and general peace from not having parents nag about chores and school, all I could wish for was the guarantee of my parents there to greet me in the morning and when I got home from school, proper cooked meals waiting on the table for me, help with keeping the house clean and disciplining the very stubborn Max.

That’s why a couple of days ago when my mother came barging into my bedroom unannounced, I was utterly surprised.

“Cassie, are you ever going to leave this room?” she quizzed with confusion.

I just rolled over with my back facing her, pulling the covers higher to mask my face, grumbling at her to get out.

Without even looking at her, I knew my mother had her hand planted on her hip and a face cringed in disgust, “What’s the matter with you? This room smells revolting, you haven’t eaten or showered in days… you’re going mad Cass. Get up.”

Most daughters would’ve been flattered their mother noticed a decline in their eating and hygiene habits because it showed they cared, but my mother, she had no hint of concern in her voice only annoyance. This made my blood boil.

I ripped the cacoon of cream sheets from my body, launching to sit upright as I shot daggers at her with my bloodshot eyes that had puffy, dark bags circling them. “No, get out.” I seethed through my teeth.

She recoiled in shock, taking a step backwards at the sight of me, raising her eyebrows, “Cass,” she cried, “Oh sweetie,” her voice softened, “What’s the matter?” Suddenly upon seeing the train wreck I had become, it sunk in for her and sympathy kicked in.

“Please talk to me Cassie,” she pleaded with me again, “I’ve tried contacting Zack but he wouldn’t tell me anything and I couldn’t find Ben’s number or I would try him too… I don’t understand what’s going on with you?””

A pang of pain struck my chest and my heart sank hearing Zack’s name. My throat tight and constricted, “You never have understood what’s going on with me, no point trying now. The best thing you can do is leave.”

I dismissed the conversation by laying my head back on my pillow, feeling light headed from sitting up. Bundling and rewrapping myself in the sheets, I closed my eyes to fight the tears I felt brimming again.

The click of the door shutting softly caused a sigh of relief to escape my lips, yet I felt more alone then ever.

Clutching tightly to the pillow, I longed for Zack to be here, lying beside me.

***
When I stirred awake, the headache I’d had since confronting Jess and the group continued to persist. Feeling even more pathetic and worthless each time I surfaced to consciousness was taking its toll on me. I didn’t know how to make myself feel good anymore.

All dark thoughts ceased for a second when a faint, soft knock sounded on my bedroom door.

I didn’t answer, but another set of knocks ensued to which I answered with the usual “Go away.”

“Cass, please let me come in?”

It was Max.

“It’s open.” My voice void of any enthusiasm, only robotic and dull.

“I, uh, I can’t open it myself” he stammered.

I ran my hands over my face before I mustered all the energy I had to push myself off the bed and open the door for him. Standing in the doorway was Max with a little wooden tray filled with a plate of poorly flipped eggs and crispy bacon. A glass of orange juice accompanied the hot food and embellished on the side of the tray lay couple of hand picked daisies from our garden.

With his head ducked down unsure if he should proceed and a small voice, “I made breakfast…Well I tried too…” Max stuttered nervously.

I cracked a small smile at his sweet attempt to cook but the smell of the food was making my stomach feel queasy.

“Thanks” I moved to the side allowing him to advance and place the tray on my bedside table.

Before my brother went to leave he casually tossed me an insult, “You stink. I strongly suggest you have a shower.”

At this normalcy I chuckled before Max continued now more confident with himself, “ You never know when Bradley Cooper might show up at your front door….”

A half arsed chuckle escaped me at the line I had recycled so many times as an excuse to hog the bathroom to get ready in the morning. I felt a hint of comfort at his mockery of me.

Taking Max’s advice I decided to try and make myself feel a tad better by making a trip to our medicine cabinet to sort out this headache before I showered.

After prescribing myself a couple of pills that were packaged in boxes that guaranteed to rid headaches and work miracles, I went to the bathroom, stripping off the dirty clothes I had lived in for weeks, I jumped into the shower, letting the hot water scorch my skin while I lathered excessive amounts of soap over my body and smothered my greasy blonde hair in berry scented shampoo and conditioner. I carefully concentrated on these simple tasks to give my mind a rest from the stress and worry that usually enveloped it lately. When I finished, I changed into a fresh, clean pair of pjs and wrapped my woollen lavender dressing gown around me, feeling exhausted and drained from the shower.

Upon returning to my bedroom I heard the muttering of a deep voice I recognised as Max’s, “Thanks for coming around! She’s not doing too good man. We’re all starting to really worry but don’t know what to do about it.”

The other voice murmured lowly, something which was incomprehensible before Max started again,

“I tried calling him while Mum was out but he said to let her sort herself out… she’s so beyond that though man. It’s been four weeks and she only just left her room for the first time today because I convinced her to shower…I’m pretty sure she’s depressed. Please, go and see her. Talk some sense into my sister?”

I shook my head sobbing as I went to return back into my darkly lit and now musky smelling room but instead Max called for me, “Cass, there’s someone here to see you!” His voice bellowed up the flight of stairs.

In all honesty, I didn’t feel like socialising. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and wallow in self pity because that was all I knew how to do well these days.

“Cassie, please come downstairs? We’ll only come up if you don’t choose to say hello!”

Chewing on the inside of my lip, I was anxious as to who it may be, hesitating with every step I took. Reaching the end flight of stairs, waiting on the lounge in a pair of black skinny jeans and a glamour kills shirt was Alex chatting seriously with my brother.

He flicked stray pieces of chocolate brown hair off his face and greeted me with a soft smile, “Hey Cass” he slowly peeled himself off the lounge to embrace me in a hug.

Swiftly and silently Max made his departure leaving us in privacy.

“Alex” I breathed while he ushered us back to the lounge to sit.

He wrapped an arm around me while we sat there as a way of comfort, “How you doing?”

Shaking my head with my teeth sinking into my bottom lip, I swallowed hard, “You shouldn’t have come here, Gaskarth. They all hate me and if they find out you were here-“

“-They don’t hate you.” Alex reasoned while twirling a strand of my blonde hair with his fingers absentmindedly. “ I have every right to visit you Cass, because you’re my friend. Most of them know I’m here as well.”

I covered my face with my hands, “You don’t have to be nice to me or feel sorry for me, Alex. What I did was wrong and I can accept the consequences. I deserve it.”

He pulled my hands from my face, “Cass, look at me.”

I shook my head in protest, keeping my eyes on the coffee stain by my feet that marked our cream carpet, before he took hold of my chin raising my face to make eye contact with him. “So you stuffed up Cass… you made a mistake. We all have, but life goes on. Now you just have to move on. You’ve done the right thing and said you’re sorry but how can anyone forgive you when you won’t even forgive yourself?”

“What I did was disgusting Alex and it has hurt so many of the people I care about. “ Alex’s cocoa brown eyes fixed on my face as he concentrated on every word I said
“People that will never be able to trust me again.” I finished, my voice shaking with weakness.

Rubbing the stubble along his jaw, Alex shook his head in disagreement easily, “You don’t know that for sure. You think that, but you don’t know it. Because you’ve already given up on yourself.”

I just shook my head silently and began to sob, wishing his optimism was truth but knew better that his words were designed for a few minutes of comfort.

“I’m speaking nothing but truth Cass, you’ve got to forgive yourself and start taking care of numeral uno before you can care for everyone else around you. Have you considered going to a doctor or seeing someone you can speak too?” He questioned in a gentle soothing voice.

My body tensed, “No, I don’t need their help Alex!” A tear rolled down my cheek, “I did this to myself, so I have to fix this myself.”

“Well start doing that Cass, you could take baby steps like starting to eat properly and shower normally again? Then try other things like running- you love running! And hanging out with friends…” He gave me a sad smile before admitting in a low voice, “I mean I’ve been waiting for you to respond to my calls and texts to let me know how you’re doing. I wasn’t sure if I’d be welcome around here and if you’d wanna see me…”

I mustered up a dry, cynical laugh, “Huh, I thought the same thing, I didn’t think you’d want to see me…”

“Of course I want to see you!” he smirked, “however, I would prefer to see the bubbly, smiley, flirty Cass again. Y’know the one that calls me an idiot and teases me a lot?” He shook my arm, trying to get his enthusiasm to rub off onto me however it only made me feel sick. I couldn’t even fathom how to become that girl again.

Gaskarth must’ve read my mind because he stopped the shaking and joking around, opting for his soothing voice and placid aura again, “ Seriously Cass, give it time. I know you’ll pull through this. You’ll be okay.”

He delivered his words with such confidence that I had no choice but to fight my pessimism. He was right, it was upto me to work on fixing this and before I could mend things with Zack, Jess, Iz or any of the others, I had to mend myself.