I Caught Myself

Some days were good but I also had my share of bad. I was quick to realise how easy it could be to just give up, to quit the fight and just creep back into darkness. If it wasn’t for Alex pushing me to keep going I probably would’ve withdrawn, crawled back to my bedroom and stayed hidden away from the world under my sheets. But I’ve kept fighting, noticing small progress each day.

With every fresh breath of air taken in by my lungs and every ray of sunshine to kiss my skin I felt better. My pale, washed out skin was colouring with life from sunshine and nutrition after taking up running again and eating regularly. Healthy curves now shaped what was once a gaunt, skeletal looking body and more importantly I learned to smile bigger gradually each day.

I refused to see a counsellor or medicate myself because I wanted to fight this battle of depression myself and –with Alex’s and my brother Max’s help – that was proving to be a possibility. Each day was getting better.

Despite the ongoing progress I’d made, unfortunately this did not mean a returned state to normalcy. I may have taken control of my life with regular exercise, dieting, socialising with Gaskarth and a general everyday routine that involved simple things like actually getting out of bed every morning, cooking, brushing my teeth, showering and cleaning the house but I still had more to conquer: Earning forgiveness. A task so daunting with an improbable, unpredictable outcome.

I’d rehearsed scenarios in my head over and over, sharing some of them aloud with Gaskarth sometimes for a second opinion; however it didn’t matter how much I rehearsed because I’d never be able to communicate how very sorry I was to my friends and I’d never be able to guess how they’d respond to my apology…

“ You look like a beetroot, Cass!” Gaskarth laughed as he entered the kitchen, pulling up a chair for himself.

Practically breathless after my run I huffed at him as I retrieved a glass of water before topping it with ice cubes, “Oh shhh, I went hard today. Took the long route home and upped my speed. I’m beat.”

“It shows” he nodded with a smirk before adding kindly, “ You look good though. Not so scary and zombie like!”

I nodded understanding the improvement he saw in me, “ I know and I feel good, but I could be better… I just want things to be ok with him.”

“There’s only one way to try and fix things with Zack…” Alex eyed me warily tiring of this reoccurring conversation I have had with him so many times before.

I sighed feeling defeated, “I wouldn’t know what to say to him Alex…we’re like a broken ceramic vase that has shattered into millions of pieces…trying to glue it all back together and convince everyone it’s okay and as good as new…” I sigh before admitting, “…it’s bullshit.” My voice falls small and weak, “You can see all the cracks.”

“Cassie, I refuse to hear anymore of your pessimism. You’ve worked so hard on yourself and you’re improving, now you need to take the next step, you owe a few apologies…” Alex was the ultimate motivator, keeping me from steering off track and always ensuring I kept the wheels turning, driving me steadily along a road to recovery.

“And you know what- about that vase?” he raised his eyebrows challenging me, “It still got fixed by the glue and still works as a vase right…?” There it was, his almighty optimism fighting my cynical, bitter ways. He approached me with a friendly smile, grabbing my shoulders he shook me gently as if to awaken the positivity that seemed to escape me, “One can survive everything nowadays, except death.”

“Ah the great Oscar Wilde” I smiled, familiar with the wise words.

Shrugging his shoulders Alex joked, “Well, I knew I couldn’t have said anything so clever and sensible myself!”

Pulling him into a hug I paid him a compliment, “ That’s not true, All Time Low’s frontman is quite the wordsmith in my opinion…one day your lyrics will change kids lives.”

He scoffed in disbelief, “ I don’t know about that, but thanks Cass.”

“No thank you Alex, for everything, and I want to let you know I’m sorry for putting you through all this. I truly want to set things right.”

Alex pulled away from the hug with a wide grin, “ Cass…you just made your first proper apology! You’re ready. You can do this!” He exclaimed with excitement dancing in his chocolate brown eyes and dimples gracing his cheeks from smiling hard.

A small smile grew upon my face, knowing I’d just taken another baby step, but fear remain instilled within me at the thought of what I had yet to face.

***

While one of Alex’s arm rested upon the open door frame, the other was extended out towards me offering me a hand out of the passenger seat of his car.

“Uh uh.” I refused to take his hand, remaining buckled up and paralysed to the seat, “I don’t know if I can do this…this isn’t a good idea.” I fretted.

Alex moved his hand away from my face to comb his fingers through his hair, stressed, “ Come on, Cassie. You can do this. You’re got to do this, they’re expecting you.”

Clammy, hot hands and unsteady breathing were only some of the deadest giveaways that I was anxious. “What if-“

“No what if!” he cut me off, “ There can’t be any possible scenarios here or any certain answers unless you get out of the car and take some action. Cass you’ve got to take responsibility if you want them to respect you…”

Nodding slowly in agreement, I unbuckled my seatbelt still unsure of myself. “Thank you for offering a hand but I suggest you withdraw your offer immediately.”

“Why? I’m just trying to help you out of the car?” his eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

I wiped my sweaty palms along my jeans, “My hands are disgustingly sweaty.”

Gaskarth laughed, “Man, that’s gross.”

“I can’t help it, I’m downright nervous.”

Tossing an arm around my shoulder as we walked away from the carpark and to the cafe, Gaskarth reassured me he would see his promise of friendship through, “Which is why I’m right here by your side to help you out buddy.”

I sucked in a deep breath, hesitant to approach the glass door with a generic welcome sign taped to it. Silently I cursed Gaskarth for tracing my steps behind me, I had wished so badly in this moment I had followed behind him so at least that way the option to bail and run was there. Gaskarth was hot on my heels, even leaning over my shoulder to push the door open for me, giving no other option but to proceed entering.

Immediately my eyes darted everywhere nervously looking for them while Gaskarth took my arm, guiding my feet in the right direction.

“It’ll be alright Cass” Alex mumbled in a low voice reassuringly as we approached the round little wooden table, set with salt/pepper shakers and sugar satchels, with two seats empty while the opposite two chairs were preoccupied.

“Hey Cass” a bell like voice greeted quietly.

When I dragged my eyes away from my sandals to meet hers all I saw was pain straining her hazel eyes, “Hi Iz” was all I could manage before I turned my head to see the boy sitting beside her looking slightly uncomfortable, “Hi Jack.”

“Hey Cassie, how are you going?” Jack questioned politely.

Insecurity enveloped me leading my arms to wrap across my chest while my shoulders slumped weakly. Alex gently ushered for me to take the seat beside him, taking upon the role of gentleman with the seat already outstretched from the table. My body slumped into the chair before he pushed the seat back closer to the table.

“Umm, “ I shook my head unsure how to answer the question.

“She’s doing a lot better, aren’t you?” Alex chimed in, pulling up the chair beside me.

I nodded in agreement choosing to remain silent while I studied Iz. Concern and stress had worn her out, showing upon her face in the form of tired lines around the eyes and creases around her forehead from frowning.

“I’m glad to hear you’re getting well.” She offered genuinely.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I bravely asked, “How are you guys doing?”

“We’ve been okay” Jack answered on behalf of Izzy and himself as he placed his hand over Iz’s which rested on the table.

At that moment the waitress interrupted the conversation, with a notepad in hand awaiting our orderwhich took a little pressure off me. We ordered our drinks before the girl was a blur of brown hair and black clothing darting off behind the counter to quickly serve our table.

Izzy nodded in agreement at Jack’s words, “Yeah we’re alright” before adding, “ We just want to hear that you’re okay Cass…Alex has been keeping us updated and it’s good to see improvements.”

Alex chimed in aiming to lighten the mood, “Definitely witnessing an improved Cass, she was a pale white, smelly zombie before.” He pulled a horrified face with eyes wide, eyebrows raised and his mouth twisted to one side to emphasise the tragedy that was my zombie- like state.

The three of us could not help but to chuckle at Gaskarth and his outrageous facial expression.

“He has a point.” I nodded, “It’s taking time, but I’m doing okay and working on getting well. I’m not a ‘zombie’ anymore as Alex has so kindly put it…I shower now.” I joked to which they laughed. “But ah… in all seriousness Iz and Jack,” I shuffled uncomfortably in my seat unsure of how to say what I needed to say, “I…ahh…well, I want to tell you both how sorry I am. “

My eyes locked between Izzy’s hazel orbs and Jack’s dark ones to reveal my sincerity, “I don’t expect your forgiveness, but I do need you to know that I never wished for this to hurt you the way I know it has. I understand I’ve really strained our friendship but please know that I am truly, deeply sorry and remorseful for all that I have done.”

A small smile crept upon Jack’s face while Iz licked her lips as she thought of how to deliver her words, “We know you’re sorry Cass. We know and it’s okay. It’ll all be okay, right?”

Tears began to brim in my eyes upon thoughts of anguish and pain I had inflicted upon my friends from a stupid affair. I couldn’t answer Izzy, because I couldn’t guarantee her it would be okay. I didn’t know whether a few years down the track we could still be friends or whether she could ever learn to trust me again…

“You’ve been nothing but a good friend to me Cassie, and I want to give you a chance because I’m confident you can prove yourself to be the good person I know you are.” Iz now had a tear sliding down her cheek, mixed emotions surging through her.

I sniffled, wiping away the falling tears, leaning over the table and embracing Iz in a tight hug where we stayed like that for a moment, exchanging a silent promise of a prosperous friendship. “Thank you” I whispered in her ear, truly grateful for Izzy’s understanding and faith in me.

“Come here Cass,” Jack now appeared at my side of the table as I pulled away from the hug with Iz to take in his embrace. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a comforting hug while he mumbled, “You had us real worried Cass, so I want you to know we forgive you but you’ve got to promise us one thing? You’ve got to promise you’ll keep smiling and keep fighting okay?”

I nodded into his chest mumbling a barely audible “ok” in agreement.

“Good, because that’s the Cassie we all know and love” he grinned before giving my forehead a kiss.

I sniffled again, taking my seat next to Gaskarth while the waitress returned with our tray of drinks, setting them on the table and leaving with a puzzled expression probably thinking Iz and I were typical emotional, hormonal females.

Iz retrieved a packet of pocket sized tissues from her bag offering me one before she and I dabbed at our damp cheeks in unison sharing a giggle at how mushy we must’ve appeared.

“Hey Cass, I know you may not be feeling upto it… but tonight Jack is having an end of summer bender at his-” Iz began,

Jack added with wide, excited eyes, “It’s going to be huge. This summer is going to go out with a bang!” To which Gaskarth equally enthused agreed with Jack, sharing a high five.

“Anyway, it’d be really great if you would come along? But we totally understand if you’re not feeling ready yet…” Izzy rambled.

I shook my head, politely declining as my head already spun with dizziness at the possibilities of disaster that were sure to unfold should I choose to go.

“Wrong answer, Cass!” Gaskarth exclaimed with a cheeky smirk, already hyped for the party.

Tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, Izzy proceed to softly persuade me, “It could be fun? I mean…I’ve really missed you.” My heart stung hearing this.

“And if you’re worried, umm Jess or Ben definitely won’t be attending… She, ah…umm Jess has gone out of town for a while to take a break and Ben… well…” she trailed off leaving Alex to fill in the blanks, “No way Ben is welcome. There’s no chance Zack and him can be in the same room without punches being thrown!”

Jack was rubbing the stubble on his jaw while he nodded in agreement at Alex’s words. “Anyway the invite is there Cass and you’re more than welcome to come along. There’ll be nothing to worry about because if anyone causes you trouble or grief they’ll have to answer to Gaskarth and I!”

Iz shot a small smile at Jack and Alex, impressed with their chivalry and protective instincts. “You should come at least for a little while, Cass.”

“Ahh yeah, maybe.” I answered half heartedly, certainly not persuaded with the knowledge Zack would be there.

Honestly, I had no intention of going. My day had already been exhausting and a cyclone of emotions swirling by, I needed to sleep tonight, not party.