I Caught Myself

“Seriously, fuck off Alex. I’ve already tried to tell you nicely ten billion times, so let me spell it out clearly,” my voice raising an octave higher as I carefully articulated each word slowly and deliberately with my lips, “ I’M. NOT. GOING.”

Exaggerating my point I brushed past Alex rapidly, storming up the staircase to my room.

But Alex was hot on my heels. His feet racing up the stairs with a pace quick to follow my trail.

Upon reaching my room I spun on my heel, planting my hands on my hips and shooting daggers with my eyes at Alex as he leaned against my door frame, with his arm stretched out to hold the door in place…wide open. ‘Dammit’ I cursed to myself, he had predicted my next move to slam the door ever so rudely in his face.

Alex combed his fingers through his hair so forcefully it was as if he were ready to rip his hair out, not bothering to disguise his irritation at my immaturity. Using a bold, heightened volume that matched mine he cried, “You’re being a fucking princess Cass. Suck it up and get ready. You’re going to this party!”

“NO I AM NOT” I roared, determined not to back down from this battle. Attending this party was easily the worst idea for everyone involved. I’d already been selfish enough, no need to spoil the party vibe and ruin everyone’s night.

A bitter chuckle escaped Alex as he rolled his eyes, “So what, Cass…you’re just going to have a pity party here? Feel sorry for yourself all alone?”

His words stinging like a freshly grazed wound. I sighed feeling deflated as my shoulders slumped and my arms knotted across my chest, “I just think it’s best I stay home. There will be people there who clearly I’ve upset and I don’t want to cause them any more grief or hurt. I owe them at least one night of fun and laughs after all the trouble I’ve caused…”

“Do you really think they’re going to enjoy themselves anyway? I mean they’re already upset and it’s safe to assume they’re probably anxious about how things are going to pan out and wishing for things to be better than what they are. Besides, there are people that would really like you to make an appearance” he reasoned.

Looking up at him through my lashes, my voice was flat and unamused, “Who?” I challenged.

“Jack and I for starts, but I don’t think Jack’s dick jokes or my persistence is going to persuade you to come to this party…maybe Izzy would though?”

I shook my head, lose strands of blond hair falling on my face as I argued, “She was just saying that she wanted me to come to be polite.”

“Nope, you’re wrong Cass. Deadset wrong I’m telling you. Iz is wanting you to be at this party because she does genuinely miss you. She just wants to move on, to let things fall back into place and the friendship to feel normal again just like you’re hoping for.”

My incredulous expression faltered when he continued, “Jack and I have been talking and we’ve reached the conclusion: you and Iz want this friendship to work…so stop being so selfish and get yourself to this party to check in on your friend. She needs you. Especially with Jack leaving her soon…”

“What?” I frowned.

Alex’s mouth bunched to one side in discontent, “We start touring at the end of summer…and Izzy still has no idea where she’ll end up now that school is all done. Anxiety is getting the best of her Cassie, believe me Jack is talking my ear off about it. “

I took a moment to let all of Alex’s rambling sink in. He probably didn’t even realise how his one minor word choice- no doubt a thoughtless slip of the tongue- managed to change my mind. That one word, ‘selfish’ was the very word I wanted to be ridded from my now tainted reputation.

I wanted so badly to prove my loyalty to Iz but the idea of rocking up to this party petrified me. Trying to ignore my fear I focussed on how I owed Iz my support, therefore I would just have to be brave and face the shit storm I foresaw brewing.

“You honestly think she wants me there?” Sincerity laced my voice.

He nodded without missing a beat, “I know she does. She needs you there. Summer is coming to an end, her days are looking darker right now. Remind her she has a friend back home with her rockstar boyfriend and his incredibly good looking band mates go party?”

I inhaled a deep breath in attempt to calm the nerves jolting through my body, “Okay” I agreed quietly, “Give me twenty minutes to make myself look respectable.”

“YESS!” Alex cheered looking so very pleased with himself.

As I ran to my room I casually yelled over my shoulder, “By the way, you guys aren’t rockstars!”

“Pfft, maybe not YET!” he retorted to which I rolled my eyes with a half smile, unable to do anything but adore Alex’s cheeky nature.

***
Upon approaching the front door to Jack’s house I found myself acting as Alex’s shadow, slumping my shoulders with poor posture to hide myself cowardly behind him. My heart rate had accelerated drastically from the small walk between the spot where we parked the car to Jack’s house.

Alex could sense my anxiety and tense aura, grabbing my hand and giving it a quick reassuring squeeze, “It’ll be okay, Cass. Nothing a beer can’t fix” he joked before letting go of my hand to push open the unlocked wooden door.

I scoffed, imaging how easy it would be if intoxication was the resolution to all my problems. Alcohol and I didn’t have a very good history…last time we mixed I ended up in a pool making out with Alex. Instead, tonight I would remain stone cold sober, taking responsibility for myself and not daring to risk stupid behaviour.

Upon entry, Jack’s house already reeked from the smell of liquor and stale smoke while my feet could feel the vibrations from the extremely loud constant thud of music. I was immediately hit with a heat wave created from the mass of people crammed into the small living room, flooding out to the back yard.

Remaining as Gaskarth’s shadow I grabbed for his hand again before following closely behind him, weaving through the crowd of glassy eyed, stumbling drunk people. Nerves knotted in my stomach as I let my eyes fall to my black ankle boots to avoid stares and in attempt to act invisible.

I should have guessed Gaskarth would lead us to the kitchen table which had plastic cups scattered around it alongside sinful amounts of alcohol bottles to choose from and, of course a huge keg of beer.

“What’s your weapon of choice pretty lady?” Gaskarth smirked, clearly impressed with the liquor supply. I could predict the mischievous thoughts running through his mind; tonight he was going to get mortal and pass out somewhere ridiculous like a bath tub or the front lawn.

Biting my bottom lip, panic danced in my eyes at the thought Alex would soon be incoherent and no doubt leave me stranded alone. The thought crossed my mind, maybe I should just drink away my misery.

My better judgement kicked in, “Water.”

I would just have to be brave and deal with whatever shit was thrown my way tonight sober.

Alex sighed before leaving to retrieve a bottle of water, he clearly was disappointed I wouldn’t be his partner in crime like usual… no crazy antics, mischief and drinking myself stupid tonight.

“CASS SEE!” I was enveloped in a tackle turned bear hug from behind. The smell of beer spiked with the strong putrid smell of bourbon on his breath and reeking through his pores.

“Jack!” my enthusiasm not even close to matching his loud drunk excited greeting. Jack’s oblivious, lurid tone was drawing unwanted attention to me- something that unsettled me. I wanted to avoid the stares and nasty whispers as much as I possibly could.

Jack didn’t release me from his arms, keeping me cradled in the comforting hug, “So glad you decided to come and Iz is hoping to see you too” he whispered sloppily in my ear. “We’ve missed ya Cass!”

Even though his words were fuelled with alcohol, it was still nice to know Jack cared, “Thanks Jack, I’ve missed the two of you beyond belief.” I pulled into his hug tighter this time, “I’m really am sorry, I’m gonna do my best to set things right though and promise to never hurt you guys like that again.”
“It’s ok Cass, you’ve already apologised. Things are going to be fine. Anyway lets have some fun, grab a drink yeah?!” he slurred while refilling his cup of beer to the brim before grabbing me an empty cup.

I took the empty cup from his hand shooting him a smile of appreciation, “It’s all good thanks, Jack. I’m not drinking tonight, besides, Gaskarth is getting me a water already.”

Jack shrugged his shoulders before taking a sip of his beer, “Suit yourself! If I see Izzy I’ll let her know you’re here” he ruffled my hair messily before vanishing into the sea of people with his beer.

Standing alone in Jack’s kitchen waiting for Alex -for what felt like an eternity to return with a bottle of water- made me feel so vulnerable; I feared everyone at this party had learned of my promiscuous reputation and absolutely hated me for it. I imagined myself as a sitting duck in that kitchen, expecting drunk girls from my high school that I’d never spoken to in my life to shoot me down with dirty words like “Slut” and “Skank” and for sleazy guys to take a crack at me…in reality I stood in that kitchen alone and barely acknowledged.

I fidgeted with my hands, unsure of what to do with myself while my blue eyes scanned the party. I instantly regretted letting my eyes wander in the first place as my stare now remained fixed across the room, caught on one person: Zack Merrick. Standing with his back perched against the wall while a strawberry blonde with a small, petite stature whispered in his ear. Her tiny yet fit physique made me instantly envy her, and she had a gorgeous sun kissed glow which my fair complexion could not compete with. Although my complexion was already naturally pale, I could feel myself turn another shade of ghastly white as I stood paralysed in shock watching this girl hanging off of Zack.

Merrick was yet to make eye contact with the strawberry blonde, his eyes looking lost in thought elsewhere though her words had indeed captured his attention. I could see him listen to her intently, smirking and laughing at times. Casually sipping at his beer, he let the girl try and win him over, with her hands resting around his neck, occasionally she would lean close to graze his ear with her mouth as she would whisper a sweet nothing and let her hot breath slide down his neck. I began to feel deeply self conscious as I analysed this strawberry blonde and scoped the rest of the room to find all the other girls dressed in short skirts, revealing denim bonitas or tight, body hugging dresses that accentuated their bust and the curve of their hip. Suddenly, the plain black singlet top and soft, chiffon maxi skirt I wore seemed a bad choice. I felt different to every girl here, as if I stuck out like a sore thumb and was totally underdressed. I felt pretty ugly and insecure in all honesty.

Unable to witness anymore, I tore my eyes away from Merrick and the petite babe rushing through the crowd of people before finally making it out Jack’s front door. I took a seat on his front lawn, taking in deep calming breaths and enjoying the cool breeze against my clammy, hot skin.

A deep voice approaching from behind startled me “Cass?”

I tossed my head over my shoulder, recognising the figure in the dark leaving Jack’s house to join me on the lawn. “Hey Rian” I greeted.

He took a seat beside me, “Oh good, I was hoping it was you, otherwise I would’ve looked like a creeper.” He outstretched his legs getting comfortable on the grass, leaning on his two hands behind him as he looked up at the sky.

I smiled, “I just needed some fresh air.”

“Me too. I didn’t realise you were coming tonight.”

“Believe me, neither did I. Boy did Alex have to put up a fight to get me here!” I chuckled.

Rian shared a small chuckle, “I can’t believe he won.”

“Me neither…I still don’t know why I’m here…” I mused.

Rian turned his gaze from the starry-lit sky to look at me, “To celebrate with your friends, before we run off on tour!”

I shook my head, “ I still can’t believe you guys are up and leaving this place! Summer flew by so quickly…pretty soon you’ll be hitting the road.”

We sat there in silence for a moment, admiring the sparkling diamond like stars dazzling across the night sky.

Interrupting the blissful silence, I turned to face Rian, “I guess before you leave, there is something I really wanna say to you Rian. I owe you an apology for the stress and strain I put on our friendship this summer. You didn’t deserve any of it, but I want you to know I am sorry and deeply regret what I did. I really want to make it up to you because you’re a brilliant friend to me.”

“It’s okay Cass.” He leaned over and wrapped an arm around my shoulder, “We all make mistakes. And honestly, you’re proving to us to be the bigger person here. You’re owing up to what you’ve done and righting your wrongs by trying to prove you care about your friends. As for Ben, he’s not worth my time…”

We sat there letting another silence linger before Rian continued to muse “I kept checking up on you, getting Alex to give me updates. You had us all worried y’know?”

My teeth sunk down on my bottom lip as guilt washed over me, “I’m sorry…I just, I had to learn to live with myself and deal with what I did y’know. Like what I did…” I swallowed the ball of guilt lodged in my throat, “…It was terrible. I should have never thought…” I trailed off unsure how to word let alone even begin to process what had happened.

“It’s okay, the important thing is, as Alex put it, ‘You caught yourself and you’re pulling yourself back together.” His arm still resting on my shoulder for comfort as he began to tilt his neck upwards taking in the sight on the beautiful, clear night sky.

“Thank you for understanding Rian.” I whispered resting my head on his shoulder, “I promise I won’t let you down.”

“I know” he whispered back.

My eyes began to feel dewy with tears threatening to fall from my eyes at any given second. I blinked them away before clearing my throat, “Rian?”

“Mmmm?” his eyes fixated on the black sky sprinkled with glints of silver stars.

“I know the last thing I should be doing is asking anything of you, but can you promise me one thing?”

He moved his big brown eyes to my blue ones, nodding.

“Look after Zack on tour for me.”

“Oh what the fuck?!?!”

Rian and I followed the direction the unexpected voice had travelled from, turning our heads to look over our shoulders. Zack’s cry came from behind us and, like a lightening bolt, shuddered through the blissful quiet that had consumed Rian and I. He stood by Jack’s front door, a few feet away from where Rian and I were seated on the lawn. My eyes were wide and my mouth dangled open, though I was speechless.

Amongst the dim light I could make out the exasperation and anger twisting into fury contorting his face. He shook his head disgusted before hastily turning back around, ripping the front door open, “Zack!” I called while he ignored his name and stormed back into the party furious letting the wooden door slam boldly; anything to get away from me I thought sadly.