I Caught Myself

“He’ll be alright Cass-“ Rian blurted out offering the words hastily for my comfort, but I wasn’t listening to him.

I pulled myself up off the grass quickly ready to go after Zack but I felt a pull defying me.

I looked down to find Rian’s hand wrapped firmly around my wrist as he tried to tug me back down on the lawn where he sat.

“Cass, please listen to me, you can sort it out tomorrow with him…just not now okay? He’s really drunk. It won’t end well.” Rian practically pleaded.

I tried to resist Rian’s sturdy grip, pulling away from him but he was too strong, it was only leaving red marks around my arm.

“I know he’s too drunk, but that…” I pointed to the front door replaying Zack’s outburst in my mind, “…that anger. It proves he still cares. I have to speak to him now because in the morning when he wakes up, he’s going to pretend I never existed all over again and build up a wall.”

Splitting through our argument was the sharp sound of glass smashing, which echoed from inside the house, before a series of voices roaring was heard.

“Distracting Rian and I, our heads turned towards the yelling and wore matching expressions of confusion.

It was in that short moment the opportunity presented itself, Rian’s grip had softened just enough as he’s focus diverted to the house that when I used all my strength to yank my wrist free he had not expected it.

Before he had a chance to realise what had happened, I was sprinting towards the verbal boxing match inside and Rian was chasing after me, calling my name between laboured breaths.

He was wasting his breath, I was going with my gut instinct determined to make peace with Zack…I had to.

When I pushed through the front door at full force, I could feel tension mounting in the air, with a swarm of people circling around the yelling as a deadest giveaway that a disaster was brewing.

The crowd watched intently, waiting with excitement as if for a boxing battle.

I knew I had little time before Rian would come for me, so I kept moving, rudely shoving through the crowd of people closer towards the fight.

When I reached the inner circle my feet came to a halt, the scene that unfolded before me was a disaster- broken shards of glass and puddles of beer was scattered on the floor.
There stood Alex with his back pinned to the wall unable to move as Zack’s arm was firmly flexed, locking across Alex’s throat holding him firmly in place, restricting his windpipe.

Alex was gasping for air and his face tainted red as he yelled at Zack “That was my beer arsehole!”

Zack shoved his arm with more force and pressure against Alex’s windpipe, making him suffer. Gaskarth wheezed, “Get your shit together man! She came onto me…”

“I thought you were my mate, mates don’t do that!” Zack slammed Alex’s spine into the wall even harder. The alcohol clearly helping fuel his rage.

“Let me go!” Alex fought back, struggling to shake Zack off of him. His volume turning up a notch as his cocoa brown eyes met directly with Zack’s hazel ones, “We both know this isn’t about blondie over here!” Alex’s head titling towards the busty strawberry blonde that was whispering sweet nothings to Zack earlier.

“Alex, please don’t fire him up, he -” Iz stepped forward into the circle looking highly distressed.

Jack came up from behind Iz, gently hushing her and pulling her back into the circle of onlookers, trying to protect her from getting hit. Jack then stepped forward, shaking his head and using a calm voice as he advanced towards the boys, “Zack, please don’t do this. Not here. Can we please just talk it out?”

I felt sick and swallowed the lump in my throat, I’d never seen Jack so serious or Alex so helpless or Zack so…. so furious. A wave of guilt washed over me, and somehow again I felt responsible for all this damage.

Although shaky and small, I found my voice and spoke up, stepping into the circle, “It’s not him you’re angry at Zack, it’s me. You don’t want to hurt him.”

Jack shot me a wide eyed, wary look that pleaded for me to shut up before any punches were thrown.

“Cass, stay out of this, this isn’t your fault.” Rian’s stern voiced warned from behind me and again I felt my wrist being gripped and pulled at.

Something inside of Zack snapped and he released Alex before spinning on his heel to face my direction, “Why are you all defending her?!” He cried as he pointed a finger at me in disgust. He was clearly frustrated as he took three steps towards Rian and I with clenched fists and a puffed out chest.

Iz noticed Zack’s knuckles going white, preparing to swing punches and instinctively ran towards me but Jack’s long arms caught her before pulling her back to safety in his arms.

Honestly, I was frightened as Zack inched closer towards me. He was livid. I was witnessing a side of Zack, I never thought possible to exist- never did I think those kind, pure hazel eyes could flick to dark, fiery rage. Nor had I heard Zack’s quiet, gentle voice turn so deep, harsh and aggressive.

I felt a tear stray from my eye.

In the blink of an eye Alex attacked from behind Zack while Rian was quick to pull me out of the way to advance forward on Zack. The two of them managed to lock Zack’s arms so he could no longer take a swipe at them. Against Zack’s will, they began dragging him up stairs away from the crowd.

“Let’s get you upstairs Merrick, you need a minute to cool down.” Rian instructed as he and Alex used all their strength to pull a very resistant Zack up each step.

The crowd began to disperse from the once ‘boxing ring’ and resume partying like normal, as if a fight never occurred in the first place. The unattended smashed glass bottle dripping beer onto the floor was the only evidence to remind me what I had witnessed was indeed reality.

I wiped my damp cheek taking in a deep breath as I tried to understand what had just happened.

A few feet away from me was Jack soothing a very distraught Izzy.

I closed my eyes, covering my face with my hands feeling absolutely horrible. Making my way to the bathroom alone, I washed my face with cold water and focussed on deep breathing. The sound of the running water from the tap was soothing but only a temporary fix…my mind would always wonder back to those dark fiery eyes of Zack’s that I’d been met with- it caused my heart to ache.

Then I did something, everyone wouldn’t have let me do if they weren’t all preoccupied, I ran as fast as I could, making it half way up the stairs before coming to a stop as I saw the three boys standing at the top of the staircase having a very calm discussion.

Upon spotting me, Alex shot daggers with his eyes as he huffed “Do you have a wish to get punched in the face? He was this close to it downstairs…” Alex shook Zack’s shoulder, “ …and I do everything I can to stop that, but now I’m ready to hit some common sense into you Cassie. Just leave it. Give Zack some peace.”

“I’ve just got to talk-“ I began as Rian and Alex descended the stairs ready to remove me as far away from Zack as they could.

“Just let me hear her out guys…” Zack said unexpectedly with his feet still planted firmly at the top of the staircase. No longer was Zack tense, his chest since deflated while he took rhythmic, calm breaths. His fingers combed through his hair as if he was concentrating on maintaining composure.

Rian and Alex eyed us both wearily before Zack sighed and nodded, confirming he was placid and had returned to a proper state of mind.

With that Alex and Rian released their grip from each arm and slowly walked away leaving me on the staircase, looking up at Zack.

Gone were the dark orbs that had glowered at me minutes earlier, all that remained was an exhausted, emotionally drained boy.

I slowly climbed the stairs, not one hundred per cent certain that closing the distance between us was the best idea but then again, when had I ever been so sure of myself.

“They were defending me because they forgive me Zack. Why they do, I have no idea… I hate myself just as much as you do.” I mentally kicked myself, hating how raspy and weak my voice sounded. The last thing I wanted was for Zack to think I was indulging in a pity party…

He scratched the back of his neck in frustration, though remained quiet. His mop of hair like a veil over his face as his eyes dropped to the floor.

I let the silence envelop us, waiting for him to say something if not with a choice of words, with body language and a reaction.

He was giving me nothing.

The background noise of the party happening downstairs polluted the atmosphere, yet with each passing moment of silence between us the tension mounted.

Was this really it? All over one spark- one tiny flame for Ben? I risked it all, knowing full well I was playing with fire and now I couldn’t help but regret it after seeing the collateral damage- the friendships and love I had burnt to ashes.

My eyes ran over Zack intently, hungry to study all the beautiful finer details of him I was afraid I would no longer be able to enjoy so closely in the future.

In that moment as I analysed him, I craved to be the reason to hear his laugh and see the dimples rise on his cheeks again, to lightly trace the tattoos down his flexed arm with my fingers, to feel his warm lips brush against mine, to watch in adoration at the way his nose crinkled up in disgust when he tasted bitter foods, to run my fingers through his freshly cut hair, even to feel the spikey stubble on his chin scratch my skin…something I would always mentally curse about during all those make out sessions . All this desire for Zack…these uncontrollable urges, overpowering me like a bloodthirsty vampire.

Although my body craved to touch him, my feet stayed planted still while my desires tortured me with these thoughts. My fingers tingled, as if receiving tiny electric zaps, feeling the rush from even thinking about being with Zack.

The adrenaline rushing through me had me losing control of my tongue, clarity was clouded as I boldly spoke up, “What I did was really shitty, I get it Zac-“

He scoffed, before firing up and cutting me off, “ You get it, Cass? You sincerely understand how it feels to be in my situation right now?”

“No.” I cried, “I never claimed to be. It’s just-“

Zack’s volume rose, “Listen-“

“- No you listen.” I shot back firmly, taking a step forward, closing a distance between Zack and I, “You said on that staircase to the guys that you would hear me out! So hear me out? :

His mouth dangled open in shock at how bold and abrupt I was, “Let me tell you how even though I well and truly care about your opinion of me, your hate for me is just like a mere pale reflection of my self loathing. It just can’t compare, I honestly hate myself and I know I won’t forgive myself for all the pain I inflicted upon you. That weight of regret is going to stay with me Zack, because you’re my everything. And I want to say sorry not only for causing all this pain, but also for realising this now, when I know it’s too late. It should have never been Ben, it should have always been about you.”

He was tugging at his hair, looking stressed.

“But it’s okay to hate me Zack, it’s okay to be angry at me. I don’t expect your forgiveness or anything- I mean I’m gonna fight for it, but I accept I may never earn you forgiveness or respect or trust again…”

“-God Dammit Cassie, why have you got to do this to me?! “ Zack abruptly interrupted my babbling soliloquy.

Inhaling a deep breath Zack finally cried out “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you,” before exhaling the stale air. “ You know how I feel about you and it drives me crazy which makes this all so much harder.”

I took a daring step closer towards him, resting my hands on his defined chest. I could feel his heart rate accelerate as I whispered, “Then let’s fight for this. “

Passion ignited in my eyes while determination coursed through my veins, this time I spoke up more confidently, “Let’s fight for us. We’ll kick fear to the curb and give this all we’ve got. Please Zack?!”