I Caught Myself

There is something so grounding about lying on the grass, while letting the last of the summer season’s sunshine rays beam warm you before Autumn rolls in. I didn’t mind though, I wasn’t worried about a change of season where leaves fall gracefully from the trees and a chilly bite accompanies the wind….why?. Because I was due for change and I knew it would all be okay.

This summer had been a turning point for me.

Inhale. Exhale. I took extra care to focus on the rhythm of my breath as I lay on my front lawn, looking up at the clear blue sky, soaking in the bliss of Mother Nature.

Finally, I felt like I had control over my life again- those dark days were gone. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, vowing to myself that I would never look over my shoulder and re-live my past dark state EVER again.

When I reflect on it now, I realise I had an incredible support system of friends that were stronger than any drug my doc could’ve prescribed me to help me pull through. I now have gratitude because I understand I had, and always will have something so important, and that is love. Despite all the shitty things I did this summer, I have love from an amazing group of friends. What makes this summer just that much more significant is it has a nice ending- because I learned to love myself.

It’s the first time in my life where I’m beginning to grasp my self worth, and it’s an ongoing journey that I’m excited to discover. After spending days under a bed cover, crying in a dark room and feeling all alone, I realise was challenged with this important life lesson.

Now, I don’t live my life in fear because I’ve surrendered and accepted everything for just how it is….and I’m happy with that. I like to think that the Cassie I was at the start of this Summer was just a lost girl living in fear – getting drunk all the time, making out with guys in hopes to feel validated and oblivious to all the greatness she already had in life.

When I think of myself now, in this present moment laying on the lawn, I feel I’m a girl starting to comfortably grow into the strong woman I’m meant to be… at least that’s how I look at it…it’s like my inner Beyoncé moment where I turn into a cheerleader for girl power.

It sounds corny as all hell, but heck, my life has turned for the better because of all this shit and a complete mind shift.

I don’t need a man to be okay, I don’t need a shit load of make up to cover up every imperfection and I don’t need to hide when I’m feeling sad. I just need to feel, to accept that feeling, let it pass and remember I am loved.

My body lay in stillness spread like a starfish on my front lawn with eyes gently shut and a massive grin on my face as these thoughts of being loved filled me with joy. It was confirmed I looked like a complete lunatic when I heard laughter along with footsteps approach me.

I didn’t flinch.

Suddenly, a shadow was cast over me as I felt the warmth of the sun disappear from my face and the light evade. I opened one eye to find Zack hovering above me.

He was grinning as he stood over me with his hands on his hips, “What are you doing?”

I stared straight up at him with both eyes shooting open, “I was enjoying the sun”

Zack made a point to take a step left so the sun continued to filter on my face and the warmth returned. He looked down at me, “Aren’t I meant to be your sunshine and all that other sappy stuff?”

I tugged on his ankle, hinting at him to join me on the grass to which he took a seat, sitting cross -legged. Pushing myself up, I mimicked him, crossed my legs while I acknowledged that zealous feeling showing up within me that I got every time Zack was around. “ Well I suppose in a way, this summer did just get a whole lot hotter?” I winked before giving him a nice hello- a quick soft kiss on the lips.

Let’s just say that quick soft kiss with Zack felt a hell of a lot better and had a much longer lasting impact on me than those drunk, sloppy make out sessions I was used to with guys.

“Good” he smirked as his hand slid up my leg, the other lingering from my back to on my waist, he was dragging me closer to him. I could see the fire in Zack’s eyes that he wanted this moment to move forward, and my god did I want it to ‘move forward too’…I wanted to jump his bones. But we didn’t. This was all part of that journey from girl to woman.

Exercising my willpower I quirked an eyebrow up at Zack and playfully took on a stern tone, “Hey young man, what do you think those wandering hands are doing?”

A fortnight ago, I was at Jack’s house party at the top of his stairs pleading with Zack to give us- whatever us was meant to be- a fighting chance. And now we were here, after hours of raw, honest talks, some time spent apart to heal and slow advances…we were finally comfortable to embrace and kiss each other again.

He sighed in defeat but honoured my wish, “You manage to surprise me each and every day Cass” he admitted in awe with a small smile.

I grinned seeing Zack was secretly a little torn between rejection of not proceeding to a more intimate level like a typical horny guy but proud to see these mature changes in me- he was stoked I cared that much for him and wanted to make this count.

“So do you think the boys and you are ready for tour?” I asked, changing the subject.

He involuntarily tucked a stray piece of blonde hair behind my ear as he answered “ I think so, we’ve all worked out our differences…Alex and the boys have had no hard feelings towards me since I apologised for wanting to bash the shit out of them- they get it was the beer and anger talking. It’s funny though, Rian even admitted when you and I are a team, I’m a better guy to be around- so there’s credit to you lady.” He winked at me, stealing a quick kiss, “But yeah, we’ve had heaps of practice this break so it’s time to get out there and let the fans see us play again. The hardest part that we’re not ready for is packing everything up again and leaving all of this behind... ” Zack’s fingers gently stroking my cheek as thoughts of his departure consumed us.

If these cards had been dealt to the insecure Cass, she would’ve crumbled but I’d already mentally prepared myself to accept that once this Summer finished up Zack would have to leave me.

I nodded with a small smile taking his hand in mine, and leaning in to him so our foreheads were touching and eyes connecting, “It’s going to be hard, but it won’t be forever.”

Zack sighed, “ I know, but I’m going to miss you like crazy.”

“Me too.”

We let it fall quiet for a moment, leaving our hands interlocked.

I squeezed his hand, sitting upright and shaking off the sad mood, “You’re still keen for the farewell dinner at Gaskarth’s with the gang? I’ll drive us.”

“You’re seriously not going to drink?” I shook my head, “But everyone will be drinking Cassie, you’re not going to change your mind?”

“Nope.” It was another honour I had made to myself. I hated the girl I was when I lost my inhibitions, my thoughts would turn dark and my self worth would always plummet…plus I quite enjoyed waking up feeling fresh each morning.

Zack chuckled to himself.

“What was that about?” I quizzed curiously.

He shook his head, “Nothing.”

“Come on?” I slapped his chest insisting he fess up.

A smirk crept up the corner of his mouth, “Well…now that you don’t drink anymore what is Gaskarth going to write about?”

This time I smacked his chest a little harder “Hey!”

He shrugged still chuckling, “It’s true, a few of his songs were inspired by you and well…mainly your drunk antics.”

I bit my bottom lip turning quiet and solemn, “I think I’ve given Gaskarth plenty to write about this Summer.”

Zack leant in and kissed my forehead, “You know he and I…in fact not one of our friends would change a thing. What’s done is done. No more beating yourself up, alright?”

I nodded, taking in a deep calming breath.

“Please Cass, look at how this all turned out…all that has become of this. It was a learning curb for everyone. Promise me when I’m gone you’ll look after yourse-“

I cut off his endearing self care speech, “I will Zack, you don’t have to worry. It’s all about forgiveness, and I’ve earned it from the people who matter to me most. I forgive myself…I’ve done all I can to make amends….” I confessed.

Honestly, my words were truth. The boys were all willing to give me a clean slate and I worked on rebuilding trust with Iz. Being the gorgeous soul Izzy is, she was investing so much time and support into rebuilding our friendship…it may be too soon to say, but I felt it was stronger than ever and we’d just set ourselves up for a lifetime of fun filled, valuable and honest friendship.

As for Jess, just two weeks ago after waking up from Jack’s house party feeling the guilt of my actions still nag at me, I took the time out to put all my thoughts and feelings to paper about the whole situation. I let her know my remorse and tried best to paint her a picture of my sorrow without burdening her with a self pity party. I sent her this letter as a peace offering, expecting nothing in return.

And that’s exactly what I got.

I never heard from Jess since and the latest spinning around rumour mill was she had fled from town with Ben, the two of them chasing a new beginning themselves now school was done. The girl was in love, but still I prayed she would one day awaken with an abundance of self worth and strength to leave the coward, but until that day Ben had got what he wanted.

Funny enough, none of that mattered anymore. I only invested in myself and those that cared for me, and I was so lucky that there was one person in particular that cared…A WHOLE LOT. Zack’s forehead was creased with worry at the thought of leaving me; I convinced him to relax with humour, “I’m going to be a busy woman Zack, I don’t have time for an emotional meltdown now that Iz and I are going to set up our online fashion boutique! I promise you it will all be okay. Now will you stop acting like an old man and kiss me again?”

He smiled, dimples breaking out on his cheeks, “Yes Ma’am.”

I relished in the exciting slow-fast-slow varying rhythm of our kiss, intoxicated by Zack’s cologne and high on the feeling of his skin against mine. I groaned into the kiss, frustrated that I couldn’t drag him up to my bedroom now and have my way with him- I couldn’t do it because that would really send him confusing signals about how serious I was about this whole maturity commitment thing…

“God I want you” I sighed.

“Not now.” Zack breathed shaking his head in resistance, reassuring me I was walking down the right path.

“I know…”I shoved him in a cheeky manner, “Why must you be such a gentleman?”

“Believe me, it’s hard sometimes.”

I grabbed him by the front of his shirt pulling him back into a kiss and let my fingers run through his hair.

“It’ll be worth it” Zack mumbled into the kiss with a smile.

“This is going to be the longest tour ever… I’ll be counting down until you’re back, I’ve already got it marked in my calendar, ‘When Zack will be slappin da bass’ ” I winked mischievously.

Zack quirked up an eyebrow, sharing my excitement before he tackled me, both of us laughing as we half wrestled, half made out on my front lawn with not a care in the world.