To know you is to hate you.

Voices sounded over the intercom; voices that no longer made sense. Everything around me was just a blur. The usual commotion of the airport brushed by me, I kept my sun glasses on and my body spread out on a row of terminal seats. Mike was sitting by my side reading one of his novels while Tre and Jason White were discussing German food and I could hear every word of their insane conversation. I buried my head into my chest, the hood pulled up on my sweater and my hands tucked into my chest. One fist was in my mouth and I gnawed on it gently.

My ears were ringing with a screaming ‘eeeeee’. It was the sound of my brain turning to mush, my thoughts dying in my endless negativity and all of my cells dying. For days it had been the same hopeless and depressing void. The voices in my head were talking me both up and down, bickering with each other, fighting for my sanity. I can tell you, they had very little left to fight for.

I could feel people’s eyes boring into my back. I stirred and pulled myself into a tighter ball trying to shake that feeling, but only succeeded in giving myself a hard knock on the knee. Mike, I assume, placed his hand on my head and lent down.

“You okay?” I heard his velvety voice utter and nodded without so much as a grunt.

He sighed and straightened back up.

“Honey drop, why don’t you go for a walk?”

“Because.” I thought in response.

Twitch. He was the nicer one, the one I had grown to actually quite like. He defended me against that other devil and treated me like somewhat of a ‘son’. But that’s not to say that I wanted him anywhere inside my body. No, I just preferred him to Fink.

As if on cue his slimy accent filled my head.

“He should go for a fuckin smoke but no,” he dragged out the ‘o’ ,” We all have to stay coped up in here like fuckin rabbits until we can catch a plane home.”

“Oh shut up Fink! He doesn’t need any more of your jabberin!”

“Both of you just fuck off.”

I had whispered it to myself knowingly, masking it to be like a mummer in my sleep. I felt a hand pat me gently on the shoulder and the soft ‘hush’ above told me it was Tre. He laid something over the top of me, I later discovered to be a blanket, and I heard him shuffle back to his seat.

For the first time in a week I felt myself grow genuinely tired. My whole body was engulfed in warmth, my arms were pulled up against my chest and I could feel all my limbs beginning to relax. Last thing I hear is the faded sound of the intercom calling a flight.

I woke Billie Joe when our flight was called. He sat up upon the terminal chairs, pulled the blanket Tre had laid over him up to his chin and then attempted to stand. He stumbled and almost fell to the ground had it not been for me reaching out to catch him. His body was so weak and frail, his weight had dropped significantly and I knew he must be tired from his lack of nutrition. Jason moved forward, laid a hand on my shoulder and whispered into my ear. He then proceeded to lift Billie Joe up onto his back, the singer’s hooded skull resting on his shoulder and his legs dangling on either side of White’s waist.

I followed, with both my backpack and Billie’s propped on my back. Tre rolled his blanket up and carried it with him.

“We should take him straight to the hospital.” Tre whispered to me.

Freese sprung promptly to my side.

“He should have been in the hospital ages ago. Why didn’t any of you take him?” He snapped.

“He wouldn’t allow it.” I replied mournfully.

“Insist! You should have insisted!”

Jason promptly swung round to face us, Billie Joe lying limply across his back.

“Would you all shut it? It’s too late now. We can get all that sorted when we get back, take him home, inform Adie and then off to the hospital. Or on call doctor – whatever! Just let’s not discuss it now and upset him further.” Jason hoisted him further up onto his back, “He may be out of it at the moment but he isn’t asleep. Or deaf!”

Jason was right and we all fell silent as we filed onto the plane. We took up first class on the plane, mostly so no one would bother us. Its fun being a rock star and meeting fans and all but sometimes you just want peace.

Billie Joe was laid out next to me, his head fell against my shoulder and Tre tucked the blanket back around his now gaunt body. He was shivering rather harshly despite the heat of both the cabin and the covers, so I threw caution to the wind and pulled him closer to me.

“Thanks.” He whined.

It was sad to hear such a fragile voice come from the singer. Not only that but to watch him physically waste away, anxiety and God knows what rushing through his mind; it was heart breaking. Tre felt it too. I could see it in his cobalt eyes and in the way he gazed utterly at Billie Joe.

As we pulled away from the airport I thought of Adie and of the boys. If we, his friends and his crew, were this worried how would they react? It was going to take a lot of explaining. Myself and Tre had just about come to terms with both Twitch and, sadly, Fink but how would they react to hearing such news? And the effects it was having on Billie Joe’s mental and physical stability? I hated the answers I was giving myself but it was all too easy to think of the worst.

“Do you want something to eat BJ?” Tre leaned over me to the singer and pushed some hair from his face. Billie Joe opened one eye on a smidgen and then shook his head. The drummer sighed and retreated, “He has to eat.”

I nodded, “I know. But we can’t force him.”

Tre and I ordered drinks, I even ordered a coffee for Billie Joe, and bought some snacks to tide us over during the in flight movie; A movie neither of us would really be paying attention to.

Turns out the snacks I ordered didn’t get much attention either. Billie Joe’s depression was rubbing off on me; my stomach was so riddled with anxiety that eating seemed more of a chore than a pleasure.

After 4 hour most of the crew had kicked back and gotten some sleep, including Tre. I, however, lay wide awake, staring at the drop down television. Billie Joe shifted and snuggled his head into the nape of my neck.

“Thought you were sleeping.” I whispered.

“Nah. Haven’t slept since we got on this thing. I was just avoiding conversation.”

I scoffed, scared that if I spoke I would cry. Billie Joe never avoided conversation. His arm entwined around mine and his breath ghosted over my skin. I pulled him closer to me, wanting more of the warm, tingling sensation.

“You make me feel safe Mike.” He mumbled.

“It can’t be like this when you get home BJ.” I sighed mournfully.

He reached up to pull the hood upon his head further down across his face but didn’t reply. His sigh, a small feeble attempt at realization, brought tears to my eyes. He had known the situation couldn’t last but he had simply tried to ride out the comfort; I had ruined that.

Gently, I pulled his head against my chest. He buried his nose into the fabric, relaxing against my warmth. My arm was slung over his back and I allowed my hand to creep beneath the blanket. It came to rest upon his gaunt hip. I finally kissed his forehead before lying back in the seat and popping my headphones onto my ears.

There was no chance I was going to fall asleep. My brain cells were all but burnt out and the trembling of Billie’s fragile body scared me intensely. At a different time, not too long ago, I would have been aroused by the touch of my best friend and begging my mind to banish the sexual images. Not now though.

My love wasn’t an issue; not in that sense anyway. I wasn’t what he needed right then and the actions which had taken place in the last few weeks I was putting down to his fragile frame of mind. Surely he couldn’t feel the same as I, which would mean God doing something right for once and highly doubted that he liked me enough to cut me a break.