To know you is to hate you.

Holding my little boy in my arms made me forget, if just for a moment, of everything that had happened on tour, on stage and on the flight. He giggled and buried his face into my shoulder. He wasn’t even a year old and I could already tell that he had his mother’s good looks and his father’s attitude. Call it papa bear instinct.

Billie Joe met his family outside the airport as well. His youngest son, Jakob, wrapped his arms around Billie’s slim waist and wriggled up his nose.

“Daddy, you’ve gotten so small.” He said.

Billie Joe simply ruffled his hair before moving on to give Joseph a tight, fatherly, squeeze. Finally he held Adrienne tight to his chest and kissed her tenderly. From the corner of my eye I saw Billie Joe place his forehead to Adi’s, his hands gently caressing her cheeks. He whispered something to her and she nodded solemnly.

Brittney wrapped herself around my waist and stroked the stray strands from my eyes.

“You okay baby?” she asked me.

I hosted the little man further up in my arms before planting a kiss on her rosy lips. Guilt bubbled in my gut. I had kissed and caressed Billie Joe in same way not day’s ago, I had lain beside his warm body and made love to him as if he were the only person I loved. But yet here I was, kissing my wife.

Tre pulled me aside for word in my ear. I excused myself and followed him to the side of the road.

“What about Billie?” He asked.

“What about him?”

“Well, shouldn’t we talk to Adi? Explain things?”

I shrugged and gazed over at the couple. Things seemed to be okay. She was helping him with his suitcases; the boy’s were talking to him as if he never left. I looked back to the drummer.

“Billie will explain it to her. He’s a smart man.” I replied.

“I hope so.” Tre hung his head and moved back towards his former girlfriend.

I walked over to the Armstrong’s. Joey and Jakob hugged me and each started with their own round of questions. I politely declined, took hold of Billie’s shoulder and gestured to Adi that I was going to borrow him.

“So, are you going to talk to Adi?” I asked once we were out of ear shot.

He fiddled with his fingers; his head hung low, and mumbled something.

“Yeah. But-but what do I say?”

“The truth. You tell it how it is BJ.” I sighed and placed both hands onto his shoulders, “Bite the bullet and just sit her down tonight. Please Billie Joe, before something happens.”

He chewed on his lip momentarily before sighing and pledging defeat. I released him and he solemnly shuffled back to his family, his hands in his pockets and his tail between his legs.

My head was so full of contemplation that I found it hard to relax as myself, Brittney and Brixton sped home. My son giggled and made bubbling noses in the back seat while I sat in the front passenger side trying my hardest to hold up a decent conversation with my wife; I didn’t want to worry her.

“Honey?” she asked me.

I jumped to attention and took my eyes from the direction I had been obviously spacing out in. Her smile was small and shy, almost as if she didn’t know who I was. Truth is, she didn’t. Not really. The man she knew would never have fooled around with his best friend just because he had been in love ---. I swallowed. Did I just admit that I was in love with Billie Joe?

“Yeah?” I answered a little too quietly.

“What happened on tour? You never explained to me why it just ended?”

More than anything, I wish she hadn’t asked that question. I sighed heavily. My head throbbed just thinking about it, my tongue was tied; what do I say?

“Billie Joe he was sick. I mean he wasn’t sick he got injured which made him sick. Augh, I don’t know how to explain it.” I shook my head.

But I did anyway. I launched into the full story, missing out the sexual details of course. I told her about the morning I had been called, my friend’s mood swings and the breakdown on stage. I showed her my arm, which was still in the process of fully healing, and I even told her about the two entities. Brittney nodded along, her eyes never left the road but I could see them widening with disbelief.

“That’s it. That’s everything and I tell you Brit, it’s damn scary. Seeing my best friend that….animalistic.”
“Mike, baby, that’s horrible. Does Adi know? He needs to see a doctor.”

“No she doesn’t, he is telling her tonight and yes, I know that. He will. Tomorrow I am taking him whether he likes it or not.”

She nodded and my son made a gurgling giggle of a noise in the backseat. We pulled up the drive into the home I had missed for many months. It was just the same except for a few extra plants here and there.
Brittney insisted on carrying the bags and I did my part by taking the little man. I unlocked the front door, stepped into the hallway and was greeted by a tap tap of small feet and then a high pitched whine. In the living room door way sat a fluffy puppy, its tall swinging from side to side and it’s tongue hanging out the side of its mouth.

“Mike, this is Mikko.”

“It’s…cute.” I said.

“He’s been looking forward to meeting you baby.” Brittney set my bag down and went around to pet the young pup. It jumped up on her and snuggled into her leg.

“Affectionate little thing isn’t he?” I hosted Brixton up a bit as he began to squirm and reach for the pup, “Um, did you ever thing to consult me?”

“No time. The pound were going to put him down. Poor thing.”

“Alright but he better not get into my music room.”

“Already has Mike, and he plays a mean piano.”

*******

“Billie Joe how could you not tell me!?” Adrienne glared at me from where she stood at the sink. I sat in a chair at the breakfast bar, my head in my hands and my shoulders shaking with sobs.

She wasn’t shouting, not really, she was only giving me what I knew I deserved. I heard her click the kettle on and mugs being retrieved from the cupboard.

“Honey, why didn’t you tell me?” She asked again.

“I – I couldn’t. Hell, Adi, telling you now is damn near killing me.” I looked up at her, with what I knew were puffy eyes, “God dammit, look at me. I’m a mess.”

My heart sank as I saw the fear in her eyes. I realized that she was terrified of me, I was the source of her anxiety although I knew she would try her best to suppress it. I couldn’t blame here though; who could?

“You need to see a doctor.” Adi leant against the work top, a hand laid on either side and her head hanging low.

“Mike is taking me tomorrow. He texted me saying he would take me come hell or high water.”

“Well, I’m going too.” I opened my mouth to protest but her determined look cut me short. She was right of course; I would do the same if the shoe was on the other foot.

She made up two cups of strong coffee. After setting mine in front of me, in the all time favourite cup ‘#1 Rockstar’, she set down biscuits, the fruit bowl and some other oddities. Obviously it was an indication to eat.

I lifted an apple, took it by its stump and began to spin it around on the table surface. Adi snapped her hand down over mine, stopping the apple mid spin. I pouted.

“Don’t play, eat.” She said in the same tone she used

So I did. The apple tasted so sweet in my mouth, but good. It was when I had finished the whole thing that I began to feel full and sick.

“You know that’s not allowed Billie Joe.”

I cringed.

“What? Honey, are you okay?” Adi placed her hand in mine and I squeezed it back.

“Yeah, fine. Just feels weird to eat again. Just feelin a bit sick is all.”

My stomach gave a leap.

“I know just how to push your buttons, boy. Don’t forget it.”

Surprisingly he let up. Adi still had hold of my hand and when I looked up I realized she was crying. I reach forward to brush away her tears with my fingers.

“Please Adi, don’t cry. It’ll be okay. I promise.”

She attempted to smile but failed. I knew it was hard for her to see me like this, it was hard for everyone. I couldn’t begin to imagine what was going through their minds, perhaps something similar to mine. Was I ever going to be right again? If I didn’t what was going to happen to me?

Quite frankly I would rather be dead than be unsafe in my own body.