Status: Finished.
To know you is to hate you.
And so it went.
The café was quiet today. Martha, one of the waitresses, served myself and Tre burgers and cold beers. Together we sat in silence; today Billie Joe was to start his medication. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, I was afraid of how it would affect him and how he would cope with out Twitch. Sure, the guy was a figment of Billie Joe’s mind but he had grown attached; I had grown attached.
Right now I was confused about our relationship. I loved him, more than I loved my own wife, but it was complicated. Y’know?
“He love’s Adi.” Tre stated, “And he adores his boys.”
I nodded, not really listening to his more than obvious statements.
“But he is fucking in love with you. He has been for years. Everyone on the crew knew it but you two.”
“Yeah, but now that we know it’s more fucked up than ever. That’s why keeping quiet and denying it was more than ideal.” I placed my head in my hands and sighed, “Fuck. This is just wanked.”
“Love is always screwed up Mike. I mean I have been fucked over so many times I lost count but I will never stop believing that it exists. That the perfect love is out there.” Tre was gazing out onto the street, watching a couple of birds fighting over food. His expression was so dreamy; so far away.
“There hasn’t been an ‘episodes’ since we got back.” I changed the subject, gripping Tre’s attention just like I had intended, “It’s good that the more ‘sane’ entity has been able to push down Fink.”
“Yeah. Let’s just hope it stays that way until the medication kicks in.”
I nodded, “But there’s a chance that the medication could rid Billie Joe of Twitch first, rather than Fink. It should ideally rid him of both at the once after a few months, or weeks, but that may not be the way it happens.”
“Shit.” Tre sighed, closed his eyes and pitched the bridge of his nose. “If I ever get my hands on the fuckers that did this too him, I swear to god they’ll put me away for life.”
“Hmph. They’ll chop my fucking head off for what I want to do to them.”
***
“So you are putting me on anti-depressants?”
Doctor Jennings scribbled on her note pad before nodding.
“Yes, well, with DID depression is often apparent. I may not rid you of them but it may help quiet them. In fact your treatment will take between five and seven years, Mr Armstrong. You will also be recommended to take part in relaxation methods.”
“Five to seven fucking years!” I stammered, “I can’t do that! I have a job. I have a band.”
“I understand that Mr Armstrong but there is no other way. I am sorry.”
I sat still. My hands held on tight to mug of hot coffee, my legs were crossed and, as far as I was concerned, nothing was real. This couldn’t be happening. What had I ever done to the man upstairs to provoke this, sure I didn’t go to church and I wasn’t religious but I have never done anything to hurt anyone. Not really. I felt betrayed, chewed up and spat out.
“What’s on your mind?”
I gazed up at the doctor blankly.
“Talking about it is a start Mr –“
“Billie Joe, call me Billie Joe.”
“Billie joe.” She smiled and pushed her glasses up into her hair.
“I – I feel so empty. Betrayed and worthless. It’s like I am in this hole and all the dirt is falling in around me.” I sighed and shook my head, “What have I do to deserve this?”
“What does anyone do to deserve anything like this Billie Joe? You are a man of the world, you are intelligent and creative, as well as being a deep thinking, I am sure you know that the world is a horrible place. I am sure you know how unfair life can be and how unexpected many things are. Billie Joe, the one thing you must understand, is to not give up. With the right attention and help this will get better.”
We sat in silence for a moment while I contemplated what I had just been told. No matter how much I had come to respect or like her in the last 30 minutes, I still couldn’t believe her. But I nodded regardless. I was willing to cooperate and do anything to get rid of Fink. Not so much Twitch.
“So, do you mind telling me about ‘Fink’ and ‘Twitch’?”
I told her briefly about Fink, making it very clear my dislike for the fellow. I told her how he appeared to be much more dominant than Twitch but how the Reverend was doing a good job of keeping him down. She nodded and took notes, every so often stopping for a drink of her coffee. My description of Twitch was a lot longer. She commented, telling me she
understood that I had a real connection with the softer personality and I completely agreed.
“He’s real nice y’know? He’s kind and gentle and always reassures me. I sound crazy don’t I?”
“No, no not at all. I have no doubt that those voices are actually there and it is only normal to hold up a conversation. You can’t escape them when they are in your head, unlike the outside world where you can simply walk away or ignore a phone call.”
“Yeah, they’re in your head. They can hear your thoughts and stuff so it’s only logical that you can’t escape them. Like, right now, Twitch is agreeing.” He was, “and I haven’t heard a peep from Fink in days.”
“That’s a good start. Twitch seems strong enough to suppress him. But just be on your guard Billie Joe. He doesn’t seem nice at all.”
She was talking about them as if they were real people. Was she patronising me? Or was she simply trying to make me feel at ease? Less crazy? Who knows, therapists are all quacks. I explained this to her, leaving out my opinion of course, and she simply told me that she speaks of them like that because she has no doubt that they are actually there. I guess what she meant was they’re real ‘people’ just not people. Y’know?
I guess you don’t. I hope you never will. It’s deafening in my own mind.
***
Going home felt weird. Adi talked to me in the car and I responded as best I could but my heart just wasn’t in it. My stomach was sore and my chest ached with loss of hope.
Everything below my waist was pins and needles and even moving my own arms seemed alien.
My ears were ringing. The continuous ‘eeeee’ of my cells dying, like the long lost swan song. Fear coursed through my veins, sweat formed on my brow and the reason why hit me hard between the eyes; Twitch had failed.
Right now I was confused about our relationship. I loved him, more than I loved my own wife, but it was complicated. Y’know?
“He love’s Adi.” Tre stated, “And he adores his boys.”
I nodded, not really listening to his more than obvious statements.
“But he is fucking in love with you. He has been for years. Everyone on the crew knew it but you two.”
“Yeah, but now that we know it’s more fucked up than ever. That’s why keeping quiet and denying it was more than ideal.” I placed my head in my hands and sighed, “Fuck. This is just wanked.”
“Love is always screwed up Mike. I mean I have been fucked over so many times I lost count but I will never stop believing that it exists. That the perfect love is out there.” Tre was gazing out onto the street, watching a couple of birds fighting over food. His expression was so dreamy; so far away.
“There hasn’t been an ‘episodes’ since we got back.” I changed the subject, gripping Tre’s attention just like I had intended, “It’s good that the more ‘sane’ entity has been able to push down Fink.”
“Yeah. Let’s just hope it stays that way until the medication kicks in.”
I nodded, “But there’s a chance that the medication could rid Billie Joe of Twitch first, rather than Fink. It should ideally rid him of both at the once after a few months, or weeks, but that may not be the way it happens.”
“Shit.” Tre sighed, closed his eyes and pitched the bridge of his nose. “If I ever get my hands on the fuckers that did this too him, I swear to god they’ll put me away for life.”
“Hmph. They’ll chop my fucking head off for what I want to do to them.”
***
“So you are putting me on anti-depressants?”
Doctor Jennings scribbled on her note pad before nodding.
“Yes, well, with DID depression is often apparent. I may not rid you of them but it may help quiet them. In fact your treatment will take between five and seven years, Mr Armstrong. You will also be recommended to take part in relaxation methods.”
“Five to seven fucking years!” I stammered, “I can’t do that! I have a job. I have a band.”
“I understand that Mr Armstrong but there is no other way. I am sorry.”
I sat still. My hands held on tight to mug of hot coffee, my legs were crossed and, as far as I was concerned, nothing was real. This couldn’t be happening. What had I ever done to the man upstairs to provoke this, sure I didn’t go to church and I wasn’t religious but I have never done anything to hurt anyone. Not really. I felt betrayed, chewed up and spat out.
“What’s on your mind?”
I gazed up at the doctor blankly.
“Talking about it is a start Mr –“
“Billie Joe, call me Billie Joe.”
“Billie joe.” She smiled and pushed her glasses up into her hair.
“I – I feel so empty. Betrayed and worthless. It’s like I am in this hole and all the dirt is falling in around me.” I sighed and shook my head, “What have I do to deserve this?”
“What does anyone do to deserve anything like this Billie Joe? You are a man of the world, you are intelligent and creative, as well as being a deep thinking, I am sure you know that the world is a horrible place. I am sure you know how unfair life can be and how unexpected many things are. Billie Joe, the one thing you must understand, is to not give up. With the right attention and help this will get better.”
We sat in silence for a moment while I contemplated what I had just been told. No matter how much I had come to respect or like her in the last 30 minutes, I still couldn’t believe her. But I nodded regardless. I was willing to cooperate and do anything to get rid of Fink. Not so much Twitch.
“So, do you mind telling me about ‘Fink’ and ‘Twitch’?”
I told her briefly about Fink, making it very clear my dislike for the fellow. I told her how he appeared to be much more dominant than Twitch but how the Reverend was doing a good job of keeping him down. She nodded and took notes, every so often stopping for a drink of her coffee. My description of Twitch was a lot longer. She commented, telling me she
understood that I had a real connection with the softer personality and I completely agreed.
“He’s real nice y’know? He’s kind and gentle and always reassures me. I sound crazy don’t I?”
“No, no not at all. I have no doubt that those voices are actually there and it is only normal to hold up a conversation. You can’t escape them when they are in your head, unlike the outside world where you can simply walk away or ignore a phone call.”
“Yeah, they’re in your head. They can hear your thoughts and stuff so it’s only logical that you can’t escape them. Like, right now, Twitch is agreeing.” He was, “and I haven’t heard a peep from Fink in days.”
“That’s a good start. Twitch seems strong enough to suppress him. But just be on your guard Billie Joe. He doesn’t seem nice at all.”
She was talking about them as if they were real people. Was she patronising me? Or was she simply trying to make me feel at ease? Less crazy? Who knows, therapists are all quacks. I explained this to her, leaving out my opinion of course, and she simply told me that she speaks of them like that because she has no doubt that they are actually there. I guess what she meant was they’re real ‘people’ just not people. Y’know?
I guess you don’t. I hope you never will. It’s deafening in my own mind.
***
Going home felt weird. Adi talked to me in the car and I responded as best I could but my heart just wasn’t in it. My stomach was sore and my chest ached with loss of hope.
Everything below my waist was pins and needles and even moving my own arms seemed alien.
My ears were ringing. The continuous ‘eeeee’ of my cells dying, like the long lost swan song. Fear coursed through my veins, sweat formed on my brow and the reason why hit me hard between the eyes; Twitch had failed.