A Friend Like Me

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so
When the truth came out, were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
Cause what you did was low.
Low - Kelly Clarkson

I stood up, my eyes wide and my lips parted slightly open. Slowly, the shock passed, only to be replaced by rage.

“What are you doing here?” I asked coldly, folding my arms across my chest.

Seeing that I wasn’t about to fling myself at him, Joe lowered his arms and his smile disappeared. “I wanted to talk.”

“Right,” I scoffed. “Just like how I wanted to talk to you when you left me out there in the snow and the rain?”

Joe gave me a small, hopeful smile. “But I’m here now.”

That did it.

I lunged at him, but Nick held me off, telling me to “Calm down! Breathe! He said he wants to talk!”

“You left me!” I screamed at him. “I begged you to come back! I went after you in the freezing snow and rain! And then you drove off!”

Joe looked down. “I know. I’m sorry.”

I let out a bark of derisive laughter. “Sorry? You think, that after leaving for a week without telling any of us anything, that you could just come back and say sorry?”

“Ava, I wanted to come back. Trust me.”

“Trust you?” I sneered. “After you kiss me and then run off to kiss Demi? God, and to think that I actually thought that I actually meant something to you.”

“You do!”

“I’ll just leave you two alone,” Nick said anxiously before walking quickly out of the room.

“Av,” Joe said, his eyes watering, “I came back because I thought about it and…I don’t want to be on non-speaking terms with you when you left. I didn’t want you to leave while we were both angry at each other. I want to talk to you while you’re in Prague.”

“Oh?” I said, cocking an eyebrow. “Okay, but just one thing. Did you ever sleep with Camilla and broke your promise? Did you kiss Demi while you were away?”

Joe’s eyes focused on the top of my head. “No,” he said, talking out of the side of his mouth, “I didn’t…to both questions.”

“Wow, Joe. You actually have the decency to lie to me?”

“Av, I –”

Kevin barged into the room. “Guys, it’s nearly midnight!”

He left as quickly as he came in.

Without another word, I strode out of the room and down the stairs where everyone was chatting animatedly. Secretly, I was jealous of them. Everyone in the room, save for Joe and I, looked forward to a great year. This year only spelled Prague.

“Ava…please,” Joe said, standing beside me. “I just want to start this year off right. No more fighting.”

“Well, it’s too late for that now, isn’t it?” I said casually.

“No.” Joe shook his head. “Av, you mean a lot to me. The only reason I left you is because you’re my best friend and you didn’t tell me you were leaving for Europe. I was angry.”

I looked at the countdown clock on the TV and sighed. “Really.”

Joe followed my gaze, looking at the countdown as well. “Ava, I don’t want to start or spend this year alone.”

“That’s another difference between you and I. I, meanwhile, am content with being alone and with loneliness.”

“Are you?”

“I – yes.”

“Av, can we just sort of…start over?”

“No. Joe, listen, too much has happened between us. We kept too many secrets from each other. It can’t go back the way it used to be, when we told each other everything. Now, leave me alone.”

“No.”

“Ten!” nearly everyone in the room shouted as the clock ticked down the last seconds of 2009. “Nine!”

“Av, please…” Joe said, sounding similar to how I did a week ago.

“Eight!”

Joe continued. “…I don’t want to be alone.”

“Seven!”

Then, quietly: “You promised me.”

“Six!”

“You said you’d never leave me.”

“Five!”

“That you’d always be there for me.”

“Four!”

I looked at him as everyone continued counting down. “Joe…you, out of all people would know that promises are always broken.”

“Two!”

Joe’s hand found mine. “Not always,” he said.

“One!”

As the room erupted in cheers at the start of the new year, Joe’s lips crashed onto mine.

The kiss was gentle. Joe’s hands snaked their way up to my face, cupping it. His grip tightened, as if he wanted to prolong the kiss as much as possible, as if he was desperate to keep me with him for as long as he could.

I broke away. The room was silent as everyone gaped at us. Behind Joe, I could see Demi, her eyes watering, her lips parted. Then I realized that, in the end, it wasn’t just Joe and I that were hurt. We managed to drag James and Demi into our mess. They, too, were hurt because of us. And in Joe’s eyes, I could see hope – hope that his kiss worked, that because of that kiss, I would tell him everything would be alright.

But it wasn’t.

My slap echoed like a gunshot in the room. The room’s silence thickened so much that it pressed down upon us. Joe’s eyes watered, his mouth in an O. Tears spilled down my cheeks as I marched away. I wrenched the entrance door open and stepped out into the cool, LA winter air, sobbing.

“Ava?” Joe called, opening the door, following me. “Oh. Hey, Av, please, just listen to me.”

“Listen to you?” I repeated. “Joe, we’re so screwed up that we dragged James and Demi into this! And then – and then – why did you kiss me?!”

“Because, Ava,” Joe said, his voice shaking, “like I said, I’ve been so confused lately. You have no idea what I’ve been through. I was so angry at you because I didn’t want you to go, okay? I wanted you to stay with me and be with me.”

Although I knew the answer, I asked, “But…why?”

“Why?” Joe echoed. “Because, Av…because over the past few months, I’ve been falling for you.”

“Gosh,” I said, adopting a lofty voice, “what a touching story, Joseph! You must have been so confused! Being in love with your best friend? I thought that only happened in movies!”

“What? You‘re the one who didn‘t notice!”

“Joseph, you’re right!” I exclaimed, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “Imagine, a few months! Well, that really puts five years into perspective, doesn't it, Joseph?”

“Ava, what are you talking about?”

“Joe, I’ve loved you for five years. For five years, you’ve been the first thing I always think of when I wake up and when I go to sleep, you’ve always been the last thing on my mind. When you walk into the room, I just – I see you and I can’t help but be happier and my heart just starts to race. God, you just – you just drive me so insane!

“And then, when you kissed me a week ago, it was like…like my body ignited or something. I never knew that anybody could feel that way from a kiss. I never knew I could feel that much, Joe, when we kiss and – and it just felt so special! Even just a small touch from you makes me just so – so – I don’t even know how to describe it. How do you do that, Joe?! HOW DO YOU DO THAT TO ME?!”

“You’ve always loved me?” Joe echoed. “What? But…why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because, Joe, for all these years, all you’ve seen me as was a friend! You didn’t see me that way! I mean, you didn’t even realize that I was a girl until a few months ago!

“God, and you think that you’ve had it bad. Do you know what it’s like for the one you love to come to you over and over throughout the years, ranting to you about how perfect his new girlfriend is? Do you know what it’s like to hear whoever you’re in love with go on about how much he loves someone else? Do you know what it’s like to be in love with someone for years and years and then hear them say, ‘Wait, Ava, you’re a girl!’?

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to ruin anything. And, because of the way you saw me, everything would have changed if I did. Everything would have been awkward. You didn’t feel the same way I did; I know that. I just didn't want you to leave me and I wanted our friendship to be the same as it was.”

"But…Ava…you know how I feel now. Why can't you stay with me? Please?" said Joe, his voice soft and gentle.

“Because I have to go to Prague! Joe, for all of my life, I've put you first. You were my number one and I always thought of you first. Ever since I've known you, practically my whole life, I've dropped everything for you. I even went with you to Europe, remember?

“And then you – you – why did you sleep with Camilla?!” I pointed to the ring on his left hand. “I thought that meant something to you! You broke your freaking promise! I FOUND THAT OUT FROM KATELYN SAGE!”

“I'm – I thought I loved Camilla, okay? It was a long time ago. And it wasn't even –”

“Just leave me alone, Joe,” I snapped, sitting down on a bench. I folded my arms and determinedly looked away from him.

“But Av –”

“Leave me alone!”

Ignoring me, Joe sat down next to me. When he spoke, his voice wavered. “So that's it? We both have feelings for each other, something you've been waiting for for years, and you're just going to ignore them and leave?”

I kept silent, indefatigable on ignoring him.

“I didn't know, okay? I thought…I thought that you saw me as a friend, too. If I had known, I would've – just – I didn't know. None of this would have happened if I knew. Av, come on.”

I looked down at the grass, as if they were the most fascinating thing here.

“Ava, listen to me. Okay, so I kissed Demi when I left you, but I did it because I was confused and – it didn't mean anything, Av, I swear. I'm not keeping anything else from you. I'm sorry.”

“You're sorry?” I asked and laughed bitterly. “So, you really do think that you can just come back here after everything, tell me you're sorry, and then everything would be alright?”

“Well, what else am I supposed to say?”

“Think, Joseph. It shouldn't be too hard to rack your brains. Oh wait, we are talking about you; you can't even say words correctly.”

“Ava…”

“Leave. Now.”

Beside me, I could hear Joe taking deep, shaky, heaving breaths, signaling to me that he was crying and trying to calm himself. I longed to comfort him, to embrace him and let him cry on my shoulder, like I've always done. This time, however, it was my fault. I couldn't comfort him.

“Av, please, I'm sorry,” Joe said, his voice shaking madly. “I don't know what I'm going to do without you.”

“Well, that's too bad,” I said and stood up. I walked back to the house and this time, Joe didn't follow me.

But when I nearly reached the door, Demi stumbled out, crying. I instantly felt a pang of guilt, because she was dragged into this without a clue of neither Joe's nor my real feelings. And she even offered to stop dating him and I told her that I didn't have feelings for Joe.

“I'm sorry,” I whispered.

She nodded. “I'm sorry, too.”

Reaching out, we both pulled each other into a hug. As we both weeped onto each other's shoulders, I realized that we understood each other.

We were on the same boat, after all. We both tried to take our relationship with a best friend to the next level…but we failed.

{∞∞∞}

When I entered Joe's house again, the chatter inside stopped for a second and picked back up. I sighed and ambled up the stairs.

“Are you okay?” Nick wanted to know, walking into the guest room I was using shortly after I collapsed down onto the bed. “I mean, you two just kissed and then…you slapped him.”

“Everything's out between him and me,” I muttered. “No more secrets.”

Nick's eyes widened. “You mean…you told him your feelings?”

“In one way or another.”

“So…”

“Everything's still a mess. It didn't come out like I always thought it would.”

My eyes stung again as I felt like bursting into tears. I always thought, ever since I started to have feelings for Joe, that my feelings would come out in a sweet and romantic way. That he'd say, “I love you” and I would return it. I never thought that he'd tell me he had feelings for me and that I'd tell him that I've had feelings for him for five years just to guilt him.

And for revenge.

{∞∞∞}

“I can't believe you're leaving tomorrow!” my mom gushed.

We were in the middle of my “goodbye” dinner. Everyone – the Jonas family, my family – was there.

Everyone except for Joe.

Mr. Jonas nodded. “We're all thrilled for you.”

“I don't know where Joseph is, though,” said Mrs. Jonas. “Did something happen between you two?”

“We're – we're just in the middle of a little bicker is all,” I said casually.

There was a clatter as some idiot ran into a waiter nearby, knocking down some of the plates the poor waiter was holding.

Wait. There's only one guy I know who's idiotic enough to actually run into a waiter carrying dirty plates.

“Sorry. So sorry. Here, let me help – what do you mean the last thing you need is my help? – okay, okay, I'll leave you alone.”

I tried to look away quickly, but Joe turned around and his eyes immediately met mine. Despite everything that's happened, despite the long silence between us, the butterflies in my stomach woke from their half-a-month long slumber and started fluttering. The nerves in my tummy woke. My heart started pounding and my body temperature increased. I fought back the vapid smile fighting its way onto my face.

Okay, seriously, what I want to know is: How does he do that?! I hate it how he does that!

“Hey guys,” Joe said, looking into my eyes, even though he was talking to everyone seated at the table. “Sorry I'm late.”

“You really need to work on your punctuality,” Mr. Jonas said.

“Mhmm,” Joe said absentmindedly (the boy probably doesn't even know what punctuality is, even though he claims to know every line from Aladdin thanks to me). Then he turned to Frankie, who was sitting next to me. “Move.”

Disconcerted, I looked at the menu and tried to focus as Frankie said, “No. You got here late. It's your fault.”

“I'm her best friend.”

“So? She said you were in a fight, anyways. Go sit next to Kevin.”

Joe's hand brushed against my back. “You did?” he said softly.

I ignored him.

“Frank,” he said, “come on. I won't see Av until the middle of May.”

Frankie groaned. “Fine, but you owe me.”

Joe's hand skimmed my arm as he sat down and glided down to my hand, where his fingers interlaced with mine under the table. “Av,” he said to me in a undertone so that only I could hear him, “I know you don't want me here, but I can't not be here. Av, you're leaving for five months and I have to say goodbye to you.”

I tried to pay no attention to him, but my heart, doing nothing to help, palpitated quicker and the butterflies in my stomach fluttered around more. I shook his hand off, but that didn't do much with the butterflies from hell.

“But,” Mrs. Jonas was saying to me, “we're going to say goodbye to you tomorrow.”

“Really?” I said, trying to seem interested in what everyone else – not Joe – was saying. “But I leave at eight! You'll have to meet me at JFK at around…six.”

Mom raised her eyebrows. “Ava, none of us really care.”

“But…are you sure it's not too early?”

Mrs. Jonas laughed. “Ava, we're used to waking up early.”

Below the table, Joe found my hand again, squeezing it. “Av, please, I need to talk to you. Just…look at me, please.”

I slipped my hand out of his. Already, him just being here was bringing back memories. Tears were fighting their way again.

You know, I thought I cried enough all this past few weeks. Why can't it ever stop?

“I – I need to step outside,” I said. “I need to be alone, hold on.”

It wasn't long after I stepped out of the posh restaurant that Joe came after me. Without a word, he pulled me into a small alley where nobody would see or hear us.

“Av,” Joe said, gripping my arm tightly but not too tight, “just listen to me. I'm sorry, okay? I just – even if you want to just be friends forever, it'll be alright with me, because I'd – I'd still have you. Just don't…don't do this to me.”

I weakly tried to pull away, but instead of breaking free, I just broke into tears. “Joe, stop. I can't trust you anymore. I can't even look at you anymore. Let go of me.”

“Av, you promised,” said Joe, his voice cracking on “promised.” “You told me, remember? At Kevin's wedding? You said that you would never leave me. You said that you couldn't ever leave me…that it would hurt the both of us too much.”

“I – that was before,” I whispered.

“But I need you.”

“But what kind of relationship would we have if we can't trust each other? Because, Joe, I'm serious. I can't trust you, not even a little, after what you did. You're so – I can't believe you did all that, Joe, and I just – how can you do this to me? How can you storm out on me and then – and then kiss Demi and keep the fact that you slept with Camilla? God, Joe, I really can't even look at you anymore. You make me SICK.”

Joe's grip slackened as I yanked my arm away from him.

I was nearly out of the alley when I heard Joe say softly that I almost didn't hear him, “Av, you're the best friend I've ever had. I just – I need you, okay? I feel so comfortable with you and you – and you've been there for me for – for everything, Ava, ju-just – you know me. You're the one person who – who just knows me so – so well.

“You been there for me for forever, Ava. And when you kept it from me that you were going six thousand miles away, I just – I couldn't think. You were leaving. I couldn't just…just jump for joy or something. And I was so damn confused and hurt and Demi just…comforted me, you know? So I kissed her, but Ava, I was just so confused about everything and angry and depressed and so – so upset. Just…just…just forgive me, please…I'm begging you.”

I turned around, looking squarely at him. “You're begging me?” I repeated. When Joe, teary-eyed, nodded, I added, “Well, now you know what it feels like to be left begging.”

As I left, I knew that I had my revenge on him. He was as hurt as I was now.

But, even then, nothing was better.