A Friend Like Me

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's two AM and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
The Way I Loved You - Taylor Swift

Joe and I hadn't talked for over a month now.

Since leaving him, I settled into a routine. I always tried to incorporate routines in my day to make it more organized and whatnot. Joe, however, always had other plans and messed everything up. “Life should be unexpected,” he'd always say. Then he'd add, “You can quote me on that. Isn't that cool? Like, you can say that your favorite quote is, 'Life should be unexpected,' by Joe Jonas.”

As if I was an impatient student on the brink of summer, waiting for the bell to finally ring and signal the beginning of summer, time progressed slowly.

I guess it has something to do with the fact that Joe and I weren't on speaking terms. I mean, with him, time flew by. He always made me laugh; we had fun.

“Ahh!” Emma exclaimed, sweeping into my room. “I'm so excited! You'll get to meet Liam! And I'll get to meet James Brown! A Grammy winner!”

I snapped from my trance-like state of staring at the picture of Joe and me. “What?”

She noticed where I had been staring at and offered me a small, sad smile. “Cheer up. I'm sure you'll work things out eventually. It's just…just in case you don't, there's James. Judging by what you've told me, James is a sweet guy. I mean, I remember seeing what that Joe guy did to Taylor Swift. Harsh.”

I immediately jumped to Joe's defense. “Yeah, but he just called her to discuss his feelings with her. She hung up.”

“Right. Well, the bottom line is, James just sounds like he treats you better.”

“Yeah, but –”

“Who's the one coming to see you right now? James.”

I had a vivid, mental fantasy of Joe coming after me, boarding a plane to get to Prague.

“Joe could be,” I reasoned.

I mean, he's always loved those romance movies (well, except for Made of Honor, for some reason). And he tries to channel them at times, like how he says that one day, he wants to “give whoever I love a letter in some secret place…like a book or behind a picture or something.”

I sighed, realizing I just crossed the threshold of being pathetic to extremely pathetic. “Or he's not. You're right. I'll just…get ready.”

I changed out of my clothes and threw on the first things I could find – a white graphic v-neck that hung loosely on me and blue jeans. I looked down at my shirt, realizing it was one of Joe's shirts.

Darn! How did I even pack that?!

I turned back to my closet. However (because either I seriously have the worst timing in the world or everyone just loves to interrupt me when I'm about to do something), the doorbell rang.

Dang. If only James wasn't punctual and he lacked punctuality like Joe, I'd still have enough time to change out of Joe's shirt.

I sprinted down the short hallway and past the living room/dining room/kitchen and wrenched open the door, revealing (lo and behold) James.

He smiled when he saw me. “Hey, I haven't seen you in a while! I missed you!” he said, pulling me into a hug.

“Yeah,” I said. “Same here.”

His eyes flickered down to my wrists when I pulled away.

Okay. Why in the world did he just look at my –

Oh. Shit. The bracelet.

The bracelet which I happened to have left back home in New York (and, in the meantime, somehow managed to pack Joe's shirt, Xhaiden, and the picture he gave me).

I'm such a horrible girlfriend to him. He deserves someone who actually feels something for him. And not a random American who he met at a coffee shop who kissed her best friend after receiving said bracelet.

Actually, I'm not even really sure where that bracelet is. Did I leave it in the Jonas' house in Dallas?

“We – I didn't have enough room,” I said, my eyebrows raising up and down involuntarily, “in the luggage. And…I dropped it somewhere. I'm so sorry. It was just a bit loose and I guess I just dropped it somewhere and – and I'm sorry.”

Hey now. Part of that is true. I am sorry and I did drop it.

Except the only reason I dropped it was because it was in its box and my hands did not want to hold it. It had other intentions – like running through Joe's hair, for instance, or pulling him closer to me.

Why is it that I can't stop thinking about Joe?

“Oh,” James said, crestfallen. “Well, that's okay. I can just get you something better.”

“No!” I said. “It's fine. Seriously. It was my fault in the first place.”

If Joe and I would ever be this civilized to one another, the whole world will die of shock.

Also, Joe needs to get out of my head.

“Hey,” I added, “do you mind if I go and change? This shirt is…”

Comfortable? Smelling like Joe? Doing nothing to subside my thoughts of Joe?

“A bit too big,” I finished.

“Liam's here!” Emma squealed from her bedroom, sprinting out the apartment, wrenching the door open.

“Hey!” I heard someone (I'm guessing Liam) say. Animated chatter that I couldn't really hear followed afterward.

Emma burst forth from the entrance again, both her and Liam positively alight by…well, by just being with one another. “This is Liam! Liam, this is Ava! And James!”

Liam, with his brown hair and eyes, grinned at me. “Hey, nice meeting you.”

Giggling, Emma pecked Liam's cheek. “I'll just go get ready more, okay?”

Liam nodded. “Sure.”

When Emma was off in her bedroom, Liam said, almost to himself, “You know what I love? That I'm so comfortable with her…she knows me so much.”

I sighed. “Well, those are the benefits, I guess, of falling in love with your best friend,” I blurted out without thinking.

“Yeah. Like…she's been with me at my worst and I've been with her at her worst. There's nothing to hide.”

And for some reason, that stung. My mind wandered over to a guy in L.A., who, like Liam said, had seen me at my worst and I at his…how there was (nearly) nothing to hide.

{∞∞∞}

“Here,” James said, opening the door of the horse carriage for me. He helped me up.

“Thanks,” I said, offering him a small, fake smile.

If this were Joe, I'd be arguing with him over how cheesy these horse rides are.

“But it's so romantic!” he'd argue. “Look at it! Doesn't that scream 'romantic' to you? And it's a horse-leading carriage! Come on, Summers!”

Then, because I've always secretly wanted to ride in one of those with Joe, I'd give in. After correcting him, telling him that it's horse-drawn carriage, of course.

God, I miss Joe.

Okay. Yeah. You know what? Screw it. I miss Joe. He's my best friend and I just happened to fall in love with him. He's my best friend first, though, and I've been with him for seventeen years. I can't not miss him.

I miss his laugh. I miss his smile. I miss his little freckles. I miss the way he pokes his tongue out the side of his mouth when he's laughing sometimes. I miss the cute lisp he gets when he's nervous. I miss the way his mouth moves off to the side when he lies. I miss his eyes. I miss the fun we always had. I miss his arms around me. I miss kissing him.

Strangely enough, I missed even his flaws. I missed arguing with him, too. I missed the fighting, the screaming. I miss him getting words wrong. I miss helping him back up after one of his clumsy falls. I miss his puerile sense of humor. I miss the way he never took anything seriously, even though it drove me crazy.

I didn't realize I was tearing up until James asked me worriedly, “Are you okay?”

“Huh?” I asked, coming out of my little reverie. “Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I just – my contacts are bothering me, that's all.” I smiled weakly at him.

Seemingly taking my excuse as real, James nodded, smiling. “Okay.” He put an arm around me.

I rested my head on James' shoulder as the carriage lurched forward. The clopping that the hooves against the cobblestones made was, in a way, soothing.

Maybe…just maybe, I could learn to fall in love with James, if Joe remained out of the picture. Maybe if, gradually, I stopped missing Joe and he stayed out of my life, I'd love James. I mean, he is the perfect guy. But still, I couldn't picture it.

I don't get it.

I should like James. He's the guy I've always wanted – sensible, intelligent, friendly. As opposed to Joe, who was frustrating, complicated, ridiculous, insane, and immature.

It's like that one Taylor Swift song I hear Emma blasting in the apartment sometimes. The Way I Loved You – and gosh darn it, I have that song stuck in my head now.

You know what I hate? When songs that are trying to subliminally send you a message are stuck in your head. Especially if that song happens to be written by whoever you're in love with's ex. Who also happened to write a song about him in her platinum album.

Breaking down and coming undone, it's a roller coaster kind of rush and I never knew I could feel that much…

I remembered the gentle pressure of Joe's hand on mine when he asked me not to go, when I was about to walk away with James. I remembered how soft his voice was, his hand clamped down on mine.

But this time, it was James' hand wrapped around mine. In a way, it brought me back to reality, as if it were an anchor that prevented me from drifting up to the clouds, preventing me from living in the past. It reminded me that it was James that was with me now, not Joe.

I closed my eyes, biting my lip as I struggled to control my tears. I wished it was Joe beside me right now, visiting me over spring break, his arm around my shoulders. I wished I could be there for him again, even when nobody else was.

The door to the hotel room slammed as Joe stormed in, running his hand through his dark curls. Looking up from my book, I noticed that his face was streaked with tears. Joe collapsed down on the bed next to mine, not even saying a word to me.

Silently, I got up from my bed and sat next to Joe, stroking his back lightly with my fingertips. “What's wrong?”

“N'un,” Joe responded.

“Joe…you can't breathe like that, you know.”

He flipped himself over after a long period of silence. “Do you – do you think she'll take me back if I – if I told her that our relationship wouldn't be as serious?”

“Joe…”

Joe stood up, wiping his tears away with the back of his hand, blinking up at the ceiling. “I ran into some Taylor fans out there. They said I deserve what happened to me.”

“You don't.”

Joe kicked a suitcase over. “But what if I do?! God, even Nick and Kevin won't talk to me anymore. Just because they're too busy with their girlfriends…just because Nick has Selena and Kevin has Danielle. And who do I have? Nobody, because all I am is a screw-up.”

He let out a yell of frustration and collapsed back down onto the bed. “I'm so stupid. I'm going to call Camilla again.”

“Joe, no,” I ordered. “Stop. Just…stop. Do not call her. Don't resort yourself to this. She's just missing out on you, okay? It's not your fault.”

Joe placed his hands over his face. “God…everyone's just so happy, though,” he continued on his misery, as if I hadn't said anything. “Like, Kevin's getting engaged. Nick has a girlfriend. And I get dumped. And I don't want to hail on their parade anymore because they're so happy and I can't mope around with them, you know?”

I didn't bother to tell him it was “rain,” not “hail.” Instead, I said, “Listen, someday you'll find a girl who's going to love you forever. She'll know all your flaws and everything and she'll love you, anyways. And…maybe she's been there all along, too. Maybe she's just waiting for you to look in the right place.”

Joe shook his head. “No. I'm the womanizer, remember? I've been with like every single girl I know.”

“Not everyone,” I muttered.

Joe took a pillow, hugging it, and pressed it into his face. His muscles tensed and his veins protruded as he let out a loud groan, dissolving into sobs again. “I gave her everything,” he said softly, almost to himself. “So, so much.”

It truly hurt me to see him like this. I reached out for him, gently taking the pillow away from him. “Come here,” I said gently, pulling him to an embrace.

He cried into my shoulder for a while, his shoulders shaking. “I – I gave her e-everything, Av. Everyth-thing I had that I – I could give and – and – s-so much….”

“Joe –”

“I – I lost her and now – now I'm going to be – alone and – I just…I have no one.”

“Joe.” I pulled away and looked deep into his brown, slightly green eyes. “You know that's not true. You have so many people looking out for you – your family, the fans…me.”

Joe didn't say anything; instead, he pulled me into a hug. “Thanks, Ava. You're a really great friend.”

{∞∞∞}

“I had a great time,” James informed me as we got to the front of my apartment.

“Yeah,” I said. “Same here.”

That is, if you count reminiscing about your old best friend/almost boyfriend a “great time.”

James' hand wrapped around my arm, pulling me to him. His lips gently touched mine. His hand drifted up to the back of my head. He was softly kissing me as we just stood there on the cobblestone walk outside the apartment.

Unlike Joe, James didn't make me weak-kneed when he kissed me. Unlike Joe, James' kiss didn't make me forget everything else around me. Quite the contrary, really. I was just aware of everything as if I were just standing on a sidewalk with my eyes closed.

I broke away after a while and pulled him into an alley to talk to him in private. “I can't – I can't do this anymore.”

James frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I just…can we just be friends? I'm sorry and – well, I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to leave right now, but…”

James looked down. “Yeah. Yeah, sure, that's fine.”

“Er – okay. I'll just…see you soon, then.”

“Yeah. Bye.”

I scratched my arm, looking at the ceiling. “Okay. Uh. Bye.”

Well, that wasn't awkward at all, I thought as I climbed up the stairs to my apartment. As soon as I entered my apartment, I sat down on the couch and pulled out my cellphone, pressing 'create new message,' sending it to Joe.

I miss you, I typed in.

I took a deep breath, my thumb hovering over the 'send' button. I closed my eyes…

and hit the 'delete' button. I did, however, save the message. You know, in case I ever get the courage to send that text.

{∞∞∞}

Joe and I were standing under an oak tree, laughing…smiling, he turned to me and pointed to a heart-shaped cloud.

“See?” Joe proclaimed. “Isn't that cool?!”

I was giggling…. I rested my head on Joe's shoulder. “You're weird.”

Joe was pulling me closer. “Oh yeah?”

I was laughing again; I tilted my head up to plant a kiss on his lips…but my lips never met his. Confused, I looked around…Joe had disappeared, a deep chasm forming where he was. Eyes wide, I took a step back and looked up….

Joe was standing on the other side, eyes locked on me, frightened. Eyes wide, he reached out towards me…the gap widened. I tried to reach toward him, too, but the chasm widened even more.

“Joe!” I called out. Before the chasm could get any wider, I leapt to his side, but suddenly, I was falling…falling….

Suddenly, I woke up, panting, tears streaming down my face. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, only to see Joe's picture when I opened my eyes. I groaned. I turned over onto my stomach, burying my face in my pillow.

“God,” I whispered into my pillow, “I miss you, Joe.”

I closed my eyes, trying to go back to sleep again, but it was useless. I exhaled sharply through my nose. I turned over on my bed and threw back the covers, walking over to a small bookshelf and pulling out a small photo album. I switched on the lamp.

A photo of Joe and I in second grade greeted me as I opened the cover. I let my eyes linger on that photo for a few minutes; it was amazing how Joe had grown from the boy who stuck his tongue out of the side of his mouth when he was working, complete with a bowl cut and glasses to the irresistible guy he was now, with girls falling at his feet all over the world.

For what seemed the millionth time, I blinked back the tears now forming in my tear ducts. Again, it was no use. My tears flowed down my cheeks as I sniffled, falling down onto the clear film protecting the photo.

I closed the photo book. I brought my knees to my chest. Propping my elbows on my knees, I rested my head onto my palms, closing my eyes.

What use was it when the one person who could comfort you, stopping your tears is the reason you're crying?

{∞∞∞}

Completely exhausted from a trip to Cesky Raj, I flopped down onto my bed, face-down. I was already in my sweatpants and shirt – the one that's Joe's – so I was ready for sleep. That's when Nick, always the guy with the best timing (please note my sarcasm here), called me.

“What?” I snapped when I finally gained the energy to walk over to my dresser and answer my phone.

“What happened between you and Joe?!” he said frantically.

“What are you talking about?” I answered, confused. “You know what went on. I – he messed up.”

“No, not that. I meant, what happened there?!”

“What?”

“Joe came home just now and he's locked up in his room right now! Dude, he's just – I can hear sort of his sobs if I stand right outside the door.”

“What happened?”

“That's what I'm asking you.”

“Well, I don't know.” I paused, not sure if I wanted to hear how Joe was hurting. “Why's he crying? What do you mean, he just came home? Where did he go to?”

Nick exhaled loudly from the other line. “Wait…so you didn't see him?”

“Huh?”

“Ava…Joe went there to Prague a few days ago.”

I could swear that I could hear my heartbeat, which went ten times faster, pounding in my ears. The ground looked like it was about to spin up and hit me. My breathing became shallow. I sat down to avoid collapsing down on a ground and having a panic attack. My throat closed up. My head started to feel clogged.

“What?!” I gasped, nearly dropping the phone in surprise.

Nick hesitated before going on. “Well, he said – he said something about how he messed up and how he was going to go after you to make everything better again. He said that he didn't want to hurt you anymore and that he wanted to see you again. So, a few days ago – maybe about four? – he went off to Prague.”

“Oh, my God,” I kept repeating, still breathing erratically. “Oh, my God. He…he what?”

“Went to visit you,” Nick said, sounding pretty fraught for himself. “He came home just now; Greg told me. And now I'm here right now and he's just shut in his room. I tried to ask him what happened, but he won't answer me. He won't answer anyone.”

“Oh, my God,” I repeated. “Wait – did you say that he visited me around four days ago?”

“Yeah.”

Realization dawned upon me and my breath got caught in my throat. My chest constricted. My heart felt hollow. Empty.

Around four days ago, I went on a date with James.

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath; I opened them. “Oh, my God,” I said, finding it hard to talk now. “I can't believe…he really…I can't believe…God, of all times, too.”

“Hey, are you okay? You sound strained. Do you know anything about this now? I'm really concerned about you guys and Joe's been just so…dead the past few months.”

A ripple of guilt washed through me. I inhaled deeply in an effort to calm myself down. “Okay. Okay. I'll – I'll call you later, okay? I just need to sort of think right now.”

“Yeah. Okay. Bye. And…can you try, too? I really can't stand it there's so much conflict, you know?”

“You should work for the UN.”

“Oh, ha ha.”

“But, anyways, maybe I'll try. Because I'm tired of fighting, too.”

Then I hung up.

I sunk down on the bed, my head overflowing with what Nick just told me.

Joe was here. In Prague. When I went out with James.

I pressed my palms to my forehead, overwhelmed with everything. Prague. Joe leaving. New Year's eve. The yelling. The arguing. James. Demi.

After I finished crying softly into Xhaiden, I made up my mind: I was going to call Joe. I owed him that much. I didn't know what he saw that caused him to go back to L.A. without even speaking to me, but I knew it couldn't be good. I owed him an explanation.

If there was anything I learned during these past few months, after all, is that we kept too many secrets. Secrets eventually pushed shadows into our relationship, gnawing away at the (what used to be) strong foundation of seventeen-year friendship that we had, until it collapsed on us.

My hand sought out my phone. I clutched it tightly in my left hand hand as I punched in the numbers, my thumbs shaking. I pressed the phone to my ear. My eyes were screwed tight. I prayed to myself that he'd answer the phone.

And on the fifth ring, he did.

“Ava?” Joe said on the other line, his voice barely above a murmur.