A Friend Like Me

If I told you that I realized you're all I ever wanted
And it's killing me to be so far away,
Would you tell me that you love me, too
And would we cry together?
Or would you simply laugh at me and say:
"I told you so"?
I Told You So - Carrie Underwood

“Hey,” I said softly, afraid.

Silence. Then: “What do you want?”

“You – did you really come after me?”

Silence again.

“Joe?”

“What?”

“Can't you just answer my question?”

“Okay, fine. Yeah, I did. Happy?”

“Why are you being so brusque?!” I snapped. “I'm just trying to ask you a question.”

“Why are you snapping at me?” Joe asked slowly. “I haven't even done anything.”

“You were being abrupt, admit it! Stop acting like I'm attacking you all the time. All I wanted to know is if you came to visit me. What did you even see?”

“What I needed to.”

“Joe, just shut up and tell me what you saw.”

“Okay, you want to know what happened?” Joe asked loudly, seemingly getting frustrated with me. “I go over to Prague to apologize to you. I look all over for you, and you know what I see? I see you and James outside and the two of your are kissing. That's what I saw. What, you happy, now?”

“Joe –”

“You know what? All I wanted was to make things better with you. And you know what I get? All I get is seeing James' tongue down your throat,” Joe said, his voice cracking on “better.”

“It's not like I knew you were in Prague!” I defended myself. “Besides, it's not like anything was going on between us. It's been five months, actually, since anything remotely happened between us.”

“So what, Ava?! That doesn't mean it didn't hurt! Just because I haven't seen you or haven't had a good conversation with you in months doesn't mean it doesn't hurt! Just imagine going to L.A. to come after me. So you can say sorry and try your best to make everything all better again. Then, when you get to L.A., after a day of looking for me, you find me on a street at night. And I'm kissing Demi or someone.”

“Don't flatter yourself.”

“I'm not. I'm just saying. And what, you're too full of pride to be able to tell me you still have feelings for me?”

“What if I don't?” I snapped before I could think about what I was saying.

A pause, then: “Stop doing that!” Joe yelled. “Just stop it! Stop hurting me!”

“I'm not trying to!” I cried. “God, maybe – maybe we're not even supposed to be together.”

When I said this, I knew it was true; at least, that's what I thought.

“Don't say that!” Joe said loudly.

“But it's true!” I said, sounding close to tears. “I don't even have to try to hurt you now and vice versa. And we keep fighting, too, and I'm just so…hurt right now that I just can't…”

I lost it and dissolved into tears.

“Stop saying that,” Joe pleaded softly into the other phone, after he heard me crying. “Don't say that. We're not…what you said.”

“But we can't even agree on anything. I haven't had a decent conversation with you since December. We're so different, too, and one of the only things we do have in common are our aggressiveness and stubbornness…. What if all this meant that we're wrong for one another?”

“Stop!” Joe yelled. “I told you, don't say that!”

“I'll say what I want to!”

“You know what?! FINE! If that's what you think, then I'll just – I'll just…”

Then I couldn't understand the rest, because he followed suit – he was in tears now.

“So what, then?” Joe asked softly after he calmed down enough to say a complete sentence.

“What do you mean?” I said.

“Are you…did you move on? Is everything over between us? Because if it is, then…I'll just leave you alone.”

It took a few seconds for me to answer.

“Joe,” I said softly, “it's –”

“Never mind,” Joe interjected. “Fine. Just…whatever. Go ahead and go with James. I don't care.”

“I didn't –”

But I found myself listening to the dial tone instead.

I groaned and laid back down on the bed, crying myself to sleep.

{∞∞∞}

Nick called me immediately the next day, apparently unable to contain his curiosity. I glanced up at the clock, which read 4:25 A.M.

Oh well. It's not like I was getting much sleep, anyway.

“It's four in the morning right now,” I informed Nick irritatedly when I answered. “Time change, remember?”

“Oh yeah,” Nick said. “But did you call him? Because he still won't come out of his room.”

“Yeah,” I said wearily. “It wasn't an apology session, though, if that's what you're asking. We're Joe and Ava.”

Nick sighed. “Fine. Just…aren't you tired of fighting?”

I stared at the ceiling, not saying anything.

I mean…I was tired of fighting. It's just…it was inevitable. I always feel like defending myself. Usually, I don't just stand there when someone's arguing with me or yelling at me. The only time that did happen was when…well, when Joe found out about Prague.

“I guess,” I said, finally. “But, I mean, Joe just keeps sort of…attacking me, you know?”

“Are you sure it's just Joe that's doing the attacking?” Nick said hesitantly.

“What?! Yeah!” I said, perhaps a bit too quickly. “He's just so – he always…he's…okay, fine. Maybe sometimes, it's partially my fault. Partially.”

“Ava.”

“What?”

“…Would it kill you to admit that you're wrong?”

I sat up in bed, flaring up. “Oh, sure, take Joe's side, even though I know he infuriates you, too! You always take his side!”

“I'm not taking anyone's side,” Nick said, always calm and collected. “I'm just saying, because everyone's tired of you and Joe acting like this. Joe's really sorry and you know that. Can't you just give it a rest?”

“It's four A.M.,” I said pointedly. “Of course I want to rest. Seeing as you're taking your brother's side, however, I will.”

“What?”

“What?”

“Okay, Ava. I don't know what happened, but…just put yourself in Joe's place. …Oh, and Mom and Dad told me to tell you 'hi' and that they're all proud of you for the whole studying abroad thing.”

“Okay,” I said. “Well, tell everyone I miss them.”

“Okay.”

Before he hung up, I blurted, “Even Joe, if he asks.”

I don't know if he heard me, though, because I heard the dial tone one or two seconds right after I said that.

And so I closed my eyes and couldn't help but pretend that I caught a plane to L.A. to visit Joe, to apologize for everything that's happened. I pretended that after a whole day of searching for him, I find Joe right outside his house, his lips glued to Demi's.

Maybe Joe was right. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have yelled at him.

{∞∞∞}

Sitting on my bed in a grey hoodie, black shorts, my hair pulled back into a neat braid, I switched on my laptop. Somehow, I found myself at JustJared Jr. a few days later, browsing through the gossip site and ending up on the “Jonas Brothers” page.

I found myself clicking at a page that lead to pictures of them at a charity event. Joe had a small smile tacked onto his face; his eyes didn't mirror his smile, however, unlike the smile I remembered. I clicked on a video.

“So,” the interviewer asked, turning to Joe, “what can you tell me about an Ava Summers? Rumor has it that you two aren't friends anymore.”

I leaned forward, furrowing my brows. Nick looked away and, realizing that looking over his shoulder seemed a bit suspicious, looked down at the floor. Kevin looked at the floor, too. Joe, meanwhile, bit his lip, hesitating.

“Where did you hear that? Things – things are going great with us,” he said. “She's – uh – she's in Prague right now for this study abroad program, so I'm…I'm really proud of her.”

“What's this about a James Brown, her, and you, though?” she pressed on.

Joe scratched the back of his neck, then stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “Nothing's going on between me and Ava. She's my best friend.” Looking up from the floor, he gave a strained smile, only just looked like he was baring his teeth to the camera. “I mean, I'm not saying that we'll never ever date, but…uh…it's – it's not really a-a possibility right now.”

The clip ended.

I just sat there, staring at the laptop screen for a while, though it soon shifted to the screensaver. Even then, however, I watched little beams of light shoot through my computer, going through the color spectrum.

My hand inched towards the phone (the one that actually had signal here) resting next to my laptop.

And in no time at all, I was calling Nick, not caring at all about the time change.

“Hello?” Nick answered groggily.

“Hi, Nick,” I said.

He yawned. “It's five in the morning here.”

“Oh. Right. Do you want me to hang up?”

“Nah, it's fine. I had an early call to set today, anyways.”

“…Nick, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah?”

I ran a finger over my comforter, stalling. Closing my eyes, I bit my lip. I can do this. I need to know.

“Er – how's…um…how is Joe?” I asked before I could change my mind.

“That's the first time you've asked about him,” Nick noted. “That's the first time you've –”

“– talked about him without condemning him,” I finished, then sighed. “Trust me, I know. Just…how is he?”

“Joe's – are you sure you want to hear this?”

“Yeah. I'm sure.”

“Well, Joe's been miserable. He's still pretty heartbroken, like you are. I never seem him being all light-hearted anymore. He's just in his house most of the time. I've heard that all he does is shut himself in his room, too. And when he's not in his house, he goes off somewhere. Nobody knows where. He just drives off.”

“My God, Nick,” I whispered, a tear streaming down my cheek.

It's amazing how much I cry these days. Before, crying was rare for me. I didn't even cry in my own high school graduation.

I also wished I was there. I mean…he probably goes to the lake. After all, he did tell me that I was the only one that knew about it, nevertheless where it was.

“I don't know,” Nick said. “I think that he's just lost without you, you know? Like, you've been his best friend for seventeen years and now he just lost you. I feel so bad for him now, but I have no idea what I could do. I've tried so much, but it's not working.

“And there's so much that reminds him of you, I think. I mean, we're filming for JONAS right now and…well, I mean, you know how his character falls in love with his best friend and stuff. People have been talking about you to him, too. I just…I feel so sorry for him. I see how he's reminded of you a lot, like how Frankie just mentioned Aladdin one day and Joe just got all quiet.”

“Really?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah. He's just so heartbroken, it's so obvious. Mom and Dad's worried. I've never seen him act like this, even when Camilla broke up with him…even when his dog, Cocoa died. Once, when he thought I was off reading or something, I saw him just sit at the piano and play that song you two danced to at Kevin's wedding and he was just sort of…singing quietly along with it. Then, he just sat there, staring at the keys; he put the cover down and just…buried his head in his hands. And I keep catching him calling you, and I try to stop him or something, but all he says is that he just wants to hear your voice. He just keeps torturing himself, man, like you are.

“I just want everything to be the way they were before. I mean, I know I'm not even the victims in these, but its so depressing to see you two this way.”

After my dismal conversation with Nick, I got off the bed and wiped off my tears. Trudging into the small living room, I switched on the TV. I flipped through the channels, past shows in Czech and Slovak, shows that I could only semi-understand. Finally, I found refuge in some English re-runs of Gossip Girl.

I wrinkled my eyebrows as I watched Dan and Vanessa, two best friends, get together. And because fate just loves to rub salt in my wounds, not only Dan and Vanessa got together, but also Nate and Serena.

Great. Why don't we all rejoice how seamlessly everyone's turning their platonic relationships into romantic, passionate relationships? Because, apparently, falling in love with your best friend is extremely easy and common!

Seriously, two best friend-turned-boyfriend/girlfriend in one show. Not to mention one of the only English shows I can find.

Rolling my eyes, I watched the whole program, failing miserably at not thinking about Joe. Reaching for the phone, I contemplated calling Joe, but I hesitated. It's not like our “Let's go make up!” calls have been successful (because, hello, they haven't at all. All that happens is that we break each other's hearts some more, as proved by my conversation with Joe two weeks ago).

If I called him, what would I say? “I miss you”? “I love you”? “I'm sorry”? “I wish I was beside you”?

Don't get me wrong, all those were true, but…what if he didn't feel the same way anymore, after all that's happened?

What if all he'd do is laugh at me and tell me he didn't need me anymore, after everything?

I wouldn't blame him.

By the way Nick put it, Joe was shattered. I've been nothing but cruel to him, come to think of it. And…

And all he's been doing is apologize. While I, meanwhile, attacked him and twisted his words.

He even traveled six thousand miles to make up. And…God, all he saw was me kissing James. All he saw, after swallowing his pride (unlike me) and coming to Prague, was me “moving on.”

Words that I've said to him echoed in my mind.

“…Why would I leave you? I couldn't do that to you; I know how much it would hurt you…”

“I've always been there for you…and I always will be.”

And the worst part was, I pretty much knew how much leaving would hurt Joe. I knew how much losing me meant, to him.

I closed my eyes and pressed my palms to my forehead, trying to forget everything that happened. I wished that I had told him the second I got that acceptance letter. I wished that I had been honest with him from the start.

It wasn't just Joe's fault, I realized. It was mine, too. I've just been too adamant to register it. If I continued to be that unrelenting, I wouldn't have asked Nick how Joe was. Knowing how Joe was coping with all this somehow made me…well, realize how cruel I've been.

I'll talk to him when I get home, I decided. I'll come after him myself.

{∞∞∞}

Finally, exams were over and we were coming home. I'd talked to my parents and the Jonai (minus Joe) before. They were all already in New York.

I folded my clothes neatly into the luggage, placing them on top of some of my textbooks. KT Tunstall's Through the Dark played through the earphones. I found that I could relate to most heartbreak songs now, which was uncomfortable, to say the least.

I hate it.

“Oh, what is store for me now,” I sang along quietly, “is coming apart. I know that it's true, 'cause I'm feeling my way through the dark.”

I groaned and nearly stopped packing, wanting to just collapse back down on the bed. But I couldn't do that.

And besides…I'm seeing Joe in a little over twenty-four hours.

And this time, I'm determined to make it work again.

If he's not there, I'll just go to L.A. I need to talk things through with him. I can't handle this stony silence – or the heated arguments that interrupted it – anymore.

I packed Xhaiden and the picture last, carefully tucking the teddy bear in the suitcase before reaching for the picture. It slipped out of my hands. I cursed quietly to myself as I saw the picture now crooked in the frame. Twisting the locks, I lifted up the backing to fix the picture.

That's when I saw hurriedly folded pieces of notebook paper, resting on the white back of the photo. Eyes wide, I reached for it, unfolded the pages, and, sitting down on my bed, began to read it.

12/25/09

Dear Ava,

There's alot of things I haven't told you lately. I'm sorry. I just feel so scared and confused now and I don't know how to tell them to you. But I don't want to hurt you, so here.

I slept with Camilla when we were dating. I thought she was the one at the time you know that. I thought that I was going to eventually marry her one day. So I thought that it didn't matter. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to disappoint you. Well actually, when me and Camilla were dating, I wanted to keep it to myself because it was..special, I guess. Then I decided to tell you, but then she broke up with me. And now…I just, I never want to disappoint you. Believe me, I wish I didn't anymore. I should've waited I know.

And do you remember asking me about a big envelope when we were packing for Europe? It was when I was picking my stuff up in the airport if you forgot.but then again, you have a good memory. Like you remember the weird stuff like the capital of finland. It was a movie contract and script and I wanted to get it to make you proud of me. I mean, you're in college and I'm just some stupid guy. And there's James who's so great and so perfect and I just can't measure up to him. Anyway I didn't get the part. They didn't want a Disney guy. They said I was too immature to handle a role like it.

But what I'm most scared telling you about is just…I have feelings for you. No, more than that. I love you. I'm in love with you, Ava. And everyday I feel stupider and stupider for not noticing you earlier. I'm an idiot for not noticing you. For only noticing you when you're taken. When I see James with you or your hand in his or when you do coupley things, I just I feel so jealous. I wish it was me. And James is so much more than I'll ever be. A Grammy winner, a lord or noble or whatever, and just so smart and mature and everything I never will be.

And I know you think we're too different for this to work. I know you. I know you have to have facts and logic and sense, but everything doesn't have to make sense. Things don't have to make sense all of the time and I really do think that this is one of those times. Or actually, you said so yourself to me. We've made it for 17 years. If we can be best friends for 17 years, why can't I call you my girlfriend? Why wouldn't we work that way?

Also, I know I've said things to hurt you, but they're not true. None of them are. And the truth is I don't want to hurt you. I never do. I call you a bossy know it all alot, but the truth is, I love that about you. There's nothing more I hate than seeing you cry, especially when it's because of me. Please know that when I told you I didn't need you anymore, I didn't mean it at all. I hated myself for days after that because of it. As soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back. The last thing I'll ever want to do is hurt you. Just remember that if I ever hurt you again, I'm hating myself. I know I used to say this all the time to you about alot of other girlfriends I've had, especially Camilla, but I really don't know what I'm going to do without you. You've always been there for me and like I said, I feel so stupid for not noticing you earlier.

I love you. I love your laugh. I love I can just get lost in your smile and your eyes. I love how you've supported me throughout the years. I love how well you know me. I love how comfortable I am around you. I love your smile. I love the way you crinkle your nose when you laugh. I love making you laugh. You drive me crazy when we argue about the most pointless things but in the end I always want to just scoop you into my arms and kiss you and make up. I love it when you roll your eyes at me or hit me because you think I'm being weird/cheesy, but I can tell you love it by your smile. I love kissing you. But really, I can go on and on, but the thing is, I love you.

So please, can we just like be together? I don't want to argue about James or Demi or other people anymore. I don't think I can stand any more of this. I don't want to worry anymore about other guys or whatever. When we kissed earlier today, I just felt like…fire or something. I don't want to worry anymore about whether or not kissing your or calling you beautiful would make everything awkward. I want to be able to kiss you when I want to and not have to worry. I want to tell you you're beautiful over and over again and never worry about making everything awkward between us. In Kevin's wedding, you just looked like...so stunning and beautiful and I wanted to tell you, but I thought you'd just think I was weird or whatever. I thought for some reason that I'd ruin everything.

But seriously, the point is, I love you. Maybe I'm too much of a coward to admit it in real life, but I really do. In 5 years or so I don't want to be the guy at your wedding. I don't want to be the “maid of honor” or whatever at your wedding, because I never told you about my feelings. I don't want to watch you fall in love more and more or have a family with a different guy, because I never told you my feelings. I don't want that to happen. I don't want you to be reading this letter in 10 years and you're with a husband and stuff and everything you're reading here, I still haven't had the courage to tell you. I wish all of this was simple and easy. I wish I can tell you my feelings, instead of just writing them down on a piece of paper. But it's not simple and easy. I should just tell you everything, and one day, I want to be able to.

I love you. I know it took me long enough to realize that what I've been looking has been here this whole time. But the bottom line is: I love you, Ava.

Love,
Joe

I was so absorbed in Joe's writing that I didn't realize I was crying until I finished reading. I covered my mouth with my hand, crying quietly.

“Oh, my God,” I whispered.

My eyes swept through the whole letter again, past the grammar mistakes, past his confession about Camilla, before settling on three words.

Three words etched harshly in black pen. Three words in Joe's sloppy handwriting, but were perfectly clear. Three words, three simple words with eight letters, that made my heart do their crazy somersaults.

I love you.